anxiety jennifer this here in my hands in my feet in my chest a present begging to be opened to be released so that I can be set free 010204 ... chanaka is tearing my hair out. a slow tortuous decline into worryland. 010204 ... god it is stabbing myself in the neck with a pencil again 010204 ... j_blue it comes from the godsource deep inside my consciousness it touches me, in different places my stomach, the backs of my hands, my perception of the future i hate it 010204 ... birdmad attack 010204 ... teran666 anxiety, it gives me an edge... a rather annoying one... it's not as good as delirium... now that's how you should feel when you live out your life... delirious... 010204 ... deb there is just so much to do! i don't have enough time in the day to take care of it all- caterers and bakers and florists and ministers and invitations and... aaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! i could never be a party planner- i'd kill myself first week on the job. this one, and that's it. i mean that. 010214 ... fallen anxiety....feel every disappointment... every let down...happening over and over again in increasing intensity..throbbing in a maddening pace...the psyche clawing at the walls struggling for redemption...struggle to keep an outward appearance of calm...the cool cool waters look nice and safe, yet the undercurrent swirls and swells...every nauseous rip..over and over... heart beats in an erratic fashion ... th-thump ..thumpity...th-thump... gut wrenching ...the aniticipation of things to come? ... no control ... no guidance ... no chaos to sort through... no struggle... defeated...deflated... the rednering of unborn tears....these will not be relived... will not be relieved... just... this... the colours are not melding correctly... they are not working together... they are pointedly... purposefully denying each other.. no this is not my red...these are not my golden hues of rust... these are not my violets of serenity... the pointing finger giggles shamelessly... the smoking gun never fired... the sands...the moving sands....threatening to swallow up piece by piece ... the trickle of the solitary drop of sweat moving down the spine...not being able to wipe it away.... mommy cannot make this all better... daddy cannot chase this all away...it stays...it builds ...it grows strong...the ragged breath escaping the lips...the muse no longer statisfied....this is now it's food...offering....relinquishing unto the self... at least rage is pure...not tainted like this...the last leaf trembling on the barren branch of the barren tree... 010303 ... soia the desperation's gone 010423 ... ilovepatsajak makes my shoulders feel crooked. 011004 ... birdmad AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! too much coffee goddamn 12 cups of espresso can't even fucking type straight hahahahahahahhaahhah 011004 ... too many chromosomes fuck you, where's my ritalin 011004 ... someone i always thought anxiety was the craps 011004 ... belly fire I look at this handwriting and imagine him bent over these same pages. I can dream a thousand daydreams but that's all they are. I'm suffering my anxiety over again. I feel like I'm in withdrawl from something I need. I wish I was stronger. I think I used to be. I can't be sure anymore because I keep coming back to this point over and over again. Anxiety. I lied when I said absence reminds the girl of her independence. Bullshit. 021219 ... belly fire And back to this place. If it kills me I'm going to STOP feeling sick to my stomach every time you're indifferent with me. Your nothing-empty-nothingness can never bring me anything but back to this place. Back and back and back. It's like shaking from the inside out. 030214 ... jane this ghost still haunts me 050223 ... unhinged like a lump in my throat lungs constricted 090531 ... unhinged i might just throw up today 090601 ... rhin i feel the same unhinged. like i could throw up. i dont know whether to scream, hit something, cry, . i don't know. i don't know how to do this. i dont know how to be who im supposed to be. i dont even know who i am anymore. its not supposed to be like this. it gets easier as you get older? bullshit. you only feel worse as you get older because you realize its not getting easier and that realization is like running into a brick wall. im really sick of handling it alone. so fucking sick of it. i made my bed. 090603 ... raze worse the last few nights than it's been in a while. you'd think your brain would eventually run out of new ways to scare the shit out of you before you fall asleep, but the brain is industrious. it'll keep finding new nuances to drag out of the same old notes long after the rest of the band has packed up their gear and gone home. my brain ain't got no roadie, ooh-ee-ooh. my brain ain't got no roadie. how's about you? 131003 ... raze last night i woke up chewing on it. it was between my teeth. how do you get it between your teeth without trying? i think i swallowed it. 131121 ... CheapVodka Reaching up and I feel my hands on my face. Why? Why, again? It's a static electricity that I can't explain. It zaps me and I feel stunned. Is this just another episode? My nails!? Oh my, it's happened again. I just can't get it into a controlled space and I feel as tho this is life. C'est la vie. Should I just make friends with the ailment? Except it for what it is? Quit shaking, it'll pass. 131121 ... raze batman anxiety (because even the caped crusader doubts himself from time to time) 131122 ... raze (phooey. that was meant for today_yesterday.) 131122 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Cars are anxiety, even cars being driven by other people. I should have braved the rain and taken the bus; would add points to my environment meter and independence meter, both of which have been rather neglected. 131122 ... nr i feel anxious lately, sometimes bordering on OCD. but it's always about other people and the possibility of disappointing other people and ruining relationships with other people. did i lock their door? will i be around when they call? will i remember to send them what i said i would? i at least know mental techniques to deal with these things somewhat these days, and why they happen at some points more than others. a lot of it has to do with too much time to think/too little time with other people/too much magnifying and not giving oneself a break. i wonder if there's a word for someone who fears disappointing people. i guess i'm basically the opposite of a psychopath, at least. 151022 ... e_o_i I feel bad because I haven't been friendly. My aunt sent me some diaries of her mother (my grandmother) and I didn't even answer until a week later when she called. I just don't want to answer people and let it slip out that I'm rushed and/or anxious, because then I'll have to give specific reasons. And these reasons are complaining ones, i.e., I have to work long hours; it's hard for me to get along with my boss and we're the only full-time workers there now that my other supervisor is away (she's coming back next week); and I keep making stupid mistakes like writing "microeconomics" instead of "macroeconomics" in the calendar (the tutor could teach both but she's better at the -micro kind, and she got annoyed at us for not preparing her). I'm afraid of calling H. because she doesn't have a full-time job yet, and my complaints will wriggle themselves out of my mouth and perhaps look like perverse bragging. I'm afraid of calling H.'s sister, because she has worse problems (still needs leg surgery to walk) and it might seem weird of me to have bought her a book after only talking to her twice. I don't want to seem like I just feel sorry for her. I mean I think she'd like the book. I bought it before Christmas and I haven't gotten around to giving it yet. I'm afraid to call J. because she's more rational than I am. Plus I'm worried about my mother. Apparently she hasn't slept in four days. I don't know how to help. She was talking about being anxious and seeing frightening images in her head, or of having thoughts bothering her. My advice about "if you're having a panic attack, don't try to think; just breathe slowly, 8 seconds in and 8 seconds out" wasn't relevant. It isn't panic attacks. She was talking the time before last about having a "spiritual crisis" and I was thinking about that when either walking to or from the bus; I concluded that one problem was that she was "too religious" so I prayed in my head, "God, please help her not to be too religious," before I realized that this was funny. But I can tell my anxiety isn't as bad because I can laugh about things (sometimes inappropriately). Oh god, about a month ago: I was complaining "You're torturing me," about some trivial thing; Mom asked, "You don't know what real torture is like"; I said, "I dunno, you could pull out someone's fingernails, because there are a lot of nerves in people's fingertips," and she winced, "No, don't say that, I can FEEL it." Last night I couldn't sleep until around 3. Tonight I will try better. No watching Teens React to Something Something, no reading Susanna Moodie's Roughing it in the Bush (just laugh at the title seeming dirty, you juvenile little ineluctable snottality.) No picking at the skin on my arms. Please, please, have my mom sleep. I'll do my part. I'm turning off the computer now and continuing the proofreading project and/or the complaining in the morning (gah, when I still have 8 or 9 hours of admin shit to admin). 160405 ... e_o_i ...When I was proofreading my brother's essay (for free, of course) on Sunday she did say I was "a good kid" and laughed. Okay. I'm turning off the computer now. Goodnight. 160405 ... unhinged i've noticed a lot more articles on the internet recently telling people it is stupid to tell someone with clinical anxiety to 'just relax' cause 'everything is just fine' the first time i read one of those articles i cried tears of relief that at least there was someone somewhere in the world that understands my struggle 160407 ... e_o_i Yes. Thanks. Often non-depressed/anxious people assume that the suffering person is irrational or selfish, and say stupid things. It's also frustrating for other people, though, when they can't help. And it's frustrating that what works for one kind of anxiety doesn't work for another. Insomnia is another thing. My father can fall asleep in a minute or less. My mother has always had problems sleeping if she's worried. I'm somewhere in the middle. 160410 ... leif Anxiety is not the reason I left you. 160411 ... epitome of incomprehensibility It makes me anxious even talking about it! But that's what I had to do this morning. Panic attacks, their triggers (being alone someplace, being hungry or tired or too hot, trying something new...), general insecurity and fear of new things. Then ADHD, then impulsivity and anger problems, since my worst time for panic attacks was in 2012 after I hit someone in a bar (long story, but I tried to be concise). And as for impulsivity, how losing the admin part of my job was because I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut. Story, not too long: late last fall I criticized the boss for a policy that I thought was unfair; he reacted badly and kicked me out of the admin team. Wouldn't fire me as a tutor, though. And that proved rather reassuring when my schedule didn't change too much as a result of the pandemic. Oh yeah - as to anxiety, general anxiety because of the pandemic. Not so much that I'd catch it, but about the changes that took place and the overall heightened worry among people everywhere. I didn't mention the more abstract things that I've worried about: when I was younger, fear of dying because I was afraid of living forever (weird Christianity or weird me? let's say both). Because I'm not sure the specifics matter in a therapeutic sense. Maybe as a matter of literary interest. You can bet I'm putting SOME of this into my writing and I'll at least attempt to make it funny. ... But yes. I'd talked about anxiety in a phone appointment with the doctor first. From her assessment, since it wasn't a constant, debilitating issue I didn't need medication, but since it was a recurring problem I could use therapy. I mentioned some worries about money - 1-to-1 counseling is expensive, I've had it when I was a teen and my parents were paying - and she said the public health program in Quebec that would put me on a waiting list for free services. She had good things to say about cognitive behavioral therapy and recommended another clinic if I needed some other counseling in the meantime. And I had a good experience: someone from the public health system (CLSC network) called me THE VERY DAY she referred me to schedule an appointment. That appointment was today, so that's what the above was about. The only bad thing was that the CLSC person could also schedule me in with an ADHD support group right away, but couldn't do two referrals at once. In that case I could go back to the doctor to get another referral for the anxiety program, and that'd be a pain. So I said I'd choose the anxiety one. Follow-up call should be in 2-3 weeks, first counseling appointment maybe not for 3 months. But it's something. 200818 ... kerry a trigger, potential spark- not the good kind feels like i have no skin, everyone can see everything, and i am cold and sour and pathetic subsides faster now, easier, less paralyzing, more clarity 211103 ... unhinged polyvagal theory pranayama learning how to manage my anxiety without hurting myself has been one of the most pivotal lessons of my adult like thank you stephen porges thank you fleet maull thank you shambhala_training thank you to all those in the lineage that propagated the path and the sangha 211104 ... nr fuck off already a professional even told you "you don't owe anyone anything" 220212 ... tender_square she said she noticed just how bad it was with her mom. “i had to bite my tongue so hard it was bloody.” they’d been sharing a hotel room. her mom couldn’t find her face cream. she was tearing apart the room searching for it. she told her mom it was probably in the bathroom. her dad was on the can, taking a shit, and her mom busted in to look at the toiletries on the counter; still couldn’t find it. it went on for fifteen minutes. “it’s probably in the bathroom, mom.” she was exasperated, she just wanted her to let it go. then, the cycle continued when she couldn’t find a cooler she had hidden so it wouldn’t be stolen. they spent 45 minutes tearing apart the car, the hotel room, her grandfather’s room at the assisted living facility. “it’s gone, shit happens,” she said to her parents. her mom couldn’t let it go. (turns out they had left it in the wheel well of the trunk.) “i’m a talker,” she said to me, “and my mom *never* stops talking. like, ever. and i realized why it bothers me so much; it’s because i live alone.” she’s moving back in with her parents in two months. 220723 ... tender_square “i don’t want to bring a kid into the world with how things are going to turn out,” my anxious friend said. “wait—what do you mean?” i didn’t want to make assumptions about what i thought she was insinuating. “that i don’t think a kid would live to see their own natural death.” i couldn’t help but remark, “that’s an incredibly pessimistic way of viewing things!” her statement came hot on the heels of my reasonable friend saying that a former friend of ours believed the world was ending. the former friend had referenced the war in ukraine (“the beginning of wwiii,” she’d called it), climate change, and shortages in materials like gold, lumber, and computer chips all pointing to humans meeting their inevitable demise. my anxious friend agreed with this assessment. “i can’t focus on everything going on out there,” my reasonable friend interjected. “it’s all so negative and it’s beyond my control.” i was nodding along with her. “so i focus on what’s around me and who i love and try to make each day count.” 220724 ... nr hello and fuck off, old enemy. why is it always you who shows up in so many situations, no matter how unexpected? 221210 ... nr i would like to add another hello and fuck off, just over a year later. this is not an anniversary i'd like to celebrate. 240106 what's it to you? who go blather from