indifferent mcdougall Am I the only one who doesn’t care anymore? 031116 ... Doar i would if you didn't 031117 ... spoons guess I'm ruled by my heart... 031117 ... Death of a Rose and i'm measured by my foot steps on the brown grass. 040224 ... DammitJanet he's made me that way. and i'm happy for it. i didn't think he'd be capable of being such an incredible asshole like the rest of them. but he did it. congrats david. i all of a sudden don't know you anymore. you're doing all these things out of the ordinary and the funny thing is, you're doing it all to spite me. because i'm okay and you weren't and the only way for you to deal with that is to make me believe you're doing better than me. but all you're doing is looking pathetic. so go ahead. toss. turn. flop. dive into the real world. live in reality for a change. fuck who you wanna fuck. because i don't care. big happy smiley face back at ya big boy 040224 ... Mcdougall The hazy middle. In but not in, out but not out. Working, but not working, sleeping. Maybe sleeping. I don't know. And I bet neither do you. Any of you really. Anyone, ever. We made all this but who cares; it's not who we are right? So what? Sure, of course, why not? We aren't all we made, Are we? Don't know, don't care. No don't, no. Everything againandagainandagain, and we don't care, until we do, until we don't again, and again. You know? You know. Don't you? I don't, What's it matter? 160413 ... insouciant When i walk through the woods i try to notice one new thing every trip. I once noticed that at the farthest end of the trail and the deepest into the woods, i saw a completely red bird. You might say it was a cardinal, but I don’t ever recall seeing a cardinal far into the woods. They are common in the areas near open fields or on my feeders. They also have darker feathers on their wings. The bird i saw was vibrant red, almost glowing. I could not get a better look at it, before it flew out of sight. If you are looking at the way the light moves through the trees and bushes when the sun is low in the sky, sometimes it appears like the sun itself has picked out a specific thing to illuminate in brilliant orange and yellow that glows as light spills over. The light has traveled an incredible distance, been warped and deflected and absorbed all to produce a momentary spectacle. I will try to identify a new tree i didn’t know how to identify before. Learn about how to pick out distinguishing characteristics, preferred light, or proximity to other trees. Did you know that birch trees differ greatly in trunk diameter in different states? I’ve noticed the most impressive ones up north. Perhaps a path has been washed out due to rain, or a tree that was once standing was now on the ground after a wind storm. Notice how the path remains the same as the seasons change and the whole vibe of the walk shifts. But most often I notice that the earth is indifferent to my presence. It doesn’t know it’s beautiful, and it doesn’t care. It exists with or without me. 220824 ... tender_square [this is a gorgeous narrative, insouciant. i feel like i'm on the walk with you. i love how you describe the red bird and the small details that gather your attention. i'm really grateful you're writing with us here.] 220824 ... insouciant [Thank you so much for your kind words. It takes me a very long time to feel comfortable in anything remotely social. I share things that I genuinely feel and its validating when I hear that someone else understands. I'm feeling content being here] 220824 ... Bizzar [you already know this, but i am really glad you're here too. the details in your writing always paint such a clear image in my head. it's lovely. and so are you.] 220824 ... epitome of incomprehensibility The professor answered my email about being a possible project supervisor. I wasn't necessarily expecting her to say yes, because her main focus is different, but she didn't suggest another prof and the tone sounded... ...like what? I was thinking about this on the metro. What did I object to about the tone? "Robot-like?" No, too harsh, not fair or accurate. "Bored?" Well, why should she be interested? But I took this second word and narrowed it a little. "Indifferent," that's it. Still, not an indictment of her character. She probably had a lot of emails to answer, couldn't put much time into it. When I was answering students from the last course who wanted to know why their marks came in late, I might have sounded dismissive to some because I was in a hurry. So that's something to be more careful about both ways. But I guess that's why the tone disappointed me. "Oh, you can apply and choose a possible supervisor and we consider a bunch of factors, but I don't know if anyone here will do this particular thing"; not "Why don't you ask X person if you can do this, focusing more on Y?" Maybe that's my job - I mean, to make suggestions like that. But I don't know these professors. All I know about them is what's available online. You'd think a reply from someone in the department might be more informative. But I don't want to get discouraged or annoyed. 240128 ... e_o_i I'm trying to reply but I keep thinking grumpy things like "This is a nothing answer that means nothing." (Redundancy built into the system.) 240201 what's it to you? who go blather from