disappointed mon uow ever feel like oh no can i try again 050314 ... silentbob when i was seventeen i was so in love with you i would have destroyed myself to be near you. now i'm twenty-four. and you're really boring. and talking to you makes me feel like chewing off my leg to get away. it was as if the loss of you was a strong enough character-building exercise that i was able to grow enough to realize you weren't worth the trouble. 070413 ... tender_square my cell phone rang with the city's area code. i let the butterflies flutter after weeks of hope have led to a drought in confidence. it wasn't a potential employer: the bank was calling to inform that lines of credit could not be opened unless there was consistent income to report. "i'm working on working," i said. 230310 ... tender_square my friend said she didn't want to me to hate her but...last-minute cancellations for an outing that was her suggestion to begin with. she was trying to psych herself up for dancing, but was taking issue with her "size." she also mentioned a difficult family news dispatch; her grandmother from the west coast had a stroke and subsequent blood clots. my friend wanted to withdrawal though her mom encouraged her to go out. "you and i handle things differently," she texted when i revealed i'd had a shitty week too. she didn't even ask me what had happened; she didn't even know about my sister's latest attempt and my being my her bedside in the icu. instead, my friend cancelled. "i just feel like i'm disappointing you," she texted. i'm not some priest here to absolve her of her guilt. i was bummed, sure, but i understood. what she wants is to lie in bed and smoke a bowl and curl up with her cat like she does every night. she just wants to believe the circumstances leading her there are different. 230623 ... kerry walking to the train sweat dripping down the small of my back chugging ice cold water skipping down the stairs watching a rat scurry along the tracks leaning against the cold tile wall i am reminding myself: i am not supposed to judge people. i was taught to practice unconditional positive regard and i am getting better at mentally and emotionally checking out of work. but hour after hour sitting in my gray chair feet tucked under me i watch as people unpeel themselves like onions and the corners of my eyes want to tear up and i cannot let them. it has been months of dipping our toes into unconscious waters, skirting and avoiding, and now i'm hearing it, the it that pushed them towards me in the first place. i banged my head against a wall, over and over i stabbed my thigh with a fork i hit her... twice i know i'm pretty but i'm also numb when i was nine i stood over him while he slept, the knife in my hand, and i thought about killing him the train is hurtling south under broad street, people dressed in red white and blue heading to a baseball game despite the heat, laughing, anticipating and i am just staring out the window at the endless gray a hint of my reflection trying to reconcile the faces i'd grown so accustomed to with the confessions their eyes dart towards me, i wonder if they assume i hate them i don't. i'm just disappointed. 230708 what's it to you? who go blather from