seeing emily is deceiving 020109 ... Sonya People, dirt, signs, cityscape views flying by... Public transit will never be the same again. I wish I had an eternal supply of film and a camera that never broke. I see it all...why wasn't it there before? It will flow through me onto the digital landscape. I will make them see. I will make them smile, cry, and remember. This is the beginning... 020109 ... pralines&cream I am seeing old memories of you crying, of you sitting alone on your bed, hating/loving/craving me, as you sit alone in your car, wondering if life really matters at all. I am seeing old memories of you seeing me ... with him, laughing, talking, giving furtive glances to you that said "i'm sorry ...". I am seeing old memories of us together before, laughing and kissing and hugging and punching and holding each others' hands. I am seeing old memories of you wishing I was dead and you were with me. I see your memories. I'm sorry I made them. 020110 ... Cicero I gotta be careful in here. I'm liable to stub my toe. 030704 ... u_r (blue) but with nothing to believe 030705 ... monee sparkles 041203 ... monee in both eyes 041203 ... temporal there are so many things i am afraid of admitting 041204 ... tender_square she invited the topic; it was the first time they were alone together in years. “tell me honestly, do you think my husband is controlling?” her mother hesitated before replying. “yes.” “fuck!” she sighed, tears clouding her eyes. “this is the consensus i’m hearing.” there were red smears on her hands suddenly, a stress nosebleed, her heart leaking out from her face with every sniffle. “but i didn’t always think that; not at first,” her mother explained. “it wasn’t until after you married that i felt it change.” “how so? i need to know what it is that you see.” she shoved a tissue into her nostril to staunch the flow. she loved him so much she didn’t trust her judgement. “limiting how we could see you, or getting to see you alone.” she nodded solemnly. “that’s what i thought.” “it’s just…i see the way you’ve changed for him to meet his needs. and that’s where it bothers me, because you shouldn’t have to change who you are to be with someone—i never changed to be with your father.” “i think i’ve been realizing that,” she said, “just how much i’ve given up in order to be with him and i don’t like it. i told my girlfriends that i am trying to reach toward life and they say that they see that with me, they feel it.” she sobbed. “it seems to me that the more you try to branch out on your own, the more he is trying to hold on to you.” “he needs me,” she said. “there’s a difference between need and want,” her mother said. “a need is a dependency.” she let this perspective sink in, studied the crimson-splotched crumple. “sometimes i wonder if he even wants me.” 211224 what's it to you? who go blather from