morning soia how am I supposed to just deal with this? I wake up with the same question every morning. Throughout the day I find a way to cope. Usually secretly hoping that things will get better soon. But I wake up and find that they haven't. I don't know how to deal with this. 010317 ... soia "i skipped the part about love" 010318 ... nocturnal I watch the morning creep up way too much now. it used to be so rare. maybe once or twice a year on some random sunday morning when I'd been out all night, but now I just watch it for lack of anything better to focus on. if I could have one thing for my birthday, I would have an end to this seemingly incurable cycle of insomnia that has gotten quite a tight hold on me. I just want to sleep with no pills, at normal times. I don't even know how this started. 010417 ... unhinged every morning when i get out of bed, on my way to the bathroom, i glance out the window and hope the sun is shining. the soft blurred lines about everything in the early morning sun make it easier. the clouds always drive me back into hiding. 010417 ... chanaka mornings are brutal wouldn't it be nice if we could just skip the morning, and start off at noon? 010417 ... silentbob i wake up and think about her and how tired i am and what time it is. i rub my eyes, swing my feet off the right side of the bed, whether or not its the wrong side. I walk into the bathroom, put on music, usually pearl jam anymore. I go, and i brush and i was and change clothes. i get my lunchbox ready and go to get jake and think about seeing her sitting at the corner 010418 ... swinger of birches its the spring of no leaves, i whistle softly as i walk around barefoot in my basement, and hear the coffee pot kick, think about the sun coming up on eastern horizon, drifting through and through, spending little more time to realize than i do conceptulize the days yet to come/wonder now bout the rain and the gray tea-bag sky in the western pacific time of dreaming. 010419 ... twiggie the later i wake up in the morning, the less i want to go to school... and the more i want to go outside by myself and get away from the world. i just want to be alone for a little while. 010419 ... j_blue person? 010419 ... soia I should not turn on my computer before I've taken a shower. It determines that I'll never get going. 010613 ... birdmad i woke up from a bizarre dream. i drank a big glass of hawaiian punch, jumped in the shower and got dressed wondered if my nine-o'clock appointment to review contract files was as sexy as she sounded over the phone (the accent...oooh) caught my ride to work got set up for the file review was not in the least bit disappointed (she was damn cute) [of course knowing what anyone knows about me, i take it as a sign of some kind of progress that i can even stop to notice someone, even just in passing] 010613 ... kendera it's funny because it's true..... 010613 ... bijou eyes. oh. can you take this back, can i sing with my eyes closed? i can see both of you. and you are together in her room. and i can't decide which one of you i want to be and which one of you i want to fuck. it's early. or is it late. 010626 ... wine bill me in the morning, bill me in the evening, bill me at supper-time. 020208 ... Fido Sunrise breaks, The birds elate, And the worms begin To eye the dew. Stranded in gray, Wiggling and strained, They sweat for fear The gray is turning blue. 030309 ... daxle here again. i feel sick. 030317 ... Mandy my favorite time of day. 030318 ... MAimy-AMy The morning used to be my favorite time of day. I used to get up and look forward to the day; used to rise and be glad that God had given me this day to do whatever I was going to do, whatever I was supposed to do. I used to just enjoy the time, the sun, the air, the sky. I didn't even have to be outside as long as there was a window open or with the blinds up. The morning of my 16th birthday, I went outside at 5 in the morning, just when the sun began to rise. I had stayed up the entire night before reading under the covers or cleaning- whatever kept me busy-so I'd be able to see the sun rise on my birthday. I put on a dress with sunflowers and eased the door open quietly. I pulled a white metal folding chair out and sat on it's cold hard surface with my knees up under my dress and just sat there for a few hours- until my dad woke up and got ready and opened the door to leave for work. I cannot remember a finer morning than that morning. 030325 ... Risen Every morning for months she has woken to an email from me. I want to write one tonight, but I have nothing to say that can be said. So tonight I will not write. I feel, in a sense... Betrayed. That I offered someone a window into my thoughts, that I gave them complete honesty, that I wrote about how I felt, what I feared... And had those words thrown back at me. I know I was wrong to label. That the instinct is unhelpful at best, but that does not warrant.... Oh, I am so incoherent tonight. Time for bed. 130409 ... terror-dactyl aftertaste of last night. dry and ashy, even though i quit smoking more than a month ago. i wonder what got in there to make this happen... the threshold where hunger beats sleepiness and i just have to move. my gut no longer rumbling, but causing the world around me to quiver and quake. i shiver and shake, entangled in sheets and start to think about breakfast. i forget all of my dreams except for one: that there were eggs in the fridge. 131127 ... tender_square the sun’s intense stare reveals half-finished frames of tiny threads withstanding wind, the turing pattern of dirt stamped on glass panes. imperfect beauties made golden by light. 211202 ... tender_square his neck creases smell of apple cider vinegar, sweat sweet and soured by sleep. she inhales him, embracing his scent with her body that fits into his, wishing it could preserve a love facing spoilage. 211209 what's it to you? who go blather from