pills tender_square i’m standing in front of a mirror preparing for bed. i open a bottle of pills to take my medication. instead of dispensing a single circular pill into my palm, i tip the brown prescription bottle to my lips to ingest just one. as i put the bottle down on the countertop, i realize my mouth has the sensation of many pills inside it. i examine my mouth in the mirror and see tens of tabs in various states of dissolve on my tongue. instead of spitting them all out, i use my finger to hook and scrape them back into the bottle. i don’t know if i could overdose on this medicine; there’s nothing on the label that says to be cautious, only that it won’t work in an emergency situation. i’m surprised a bitter taste hasn't filled my mouth; the pills don’t really taste like anything at all. i open my mouth one more time and find yet a few more pills hiding in my cheeks. i use my finger to scrape those ones into the sink. 230312 ... kerry "this isn't working for me," i told dr. pickard. "i can't afford to pay $1300 a month for this medication. i have to try something else." i watched as her eyes darted back and forth, skimming and scrolling what was evidently a list of medications. she smirked. her annoyance felt like sympathy. "at this point you've tried just about everything. everything i'm willing to give you, anyway. the others--no. they're brutal." i couldn't help but laugh. i asked her if there was any way something that hadn't worked in the past might work now, when used in combination with a new drug. "nah," she said. "a lot of this is trial and error but i can tell you, if it didn't work before it won't work now." i rubbed my eyes. "what do you think about just coming off it altogether, being on two drugs?" my stomach dropped. fear but also excitement. we batted around some ideas. i had some suggestions. taper down on this, maybe add a little more of that. "you know what," she said, "at this point, i'm going to let you decide. just keep me informed." i left the appointment feeling inflated, light, like i had wings. the box of medications i keep in the downstairs bathroom must weigh a pound. i have a whole pharmacy of my own. i set the bottles out in a row. they remind me of little soldiers--ineffective, unprepared, drafted. who should i cut first, and how much? i feel like a chemist. i feel like my brain is more my own. 230326 ... tender_square her comrades in recovery said there were pills scattered all over my sister's floor. five different bottles were emptied, and no one could say how much of the contents were strewn and how much were ingested. she'd swallowed a bunch of benzos and anti-depressants, chased it with some sleeping pills. when the ambulance arrived, she was unconscious. i called the hospital switchboard and they confirmed she's in intensive care. i haven't spoken to my sister in two years. i don't know if this is my last chance to. 230617 what's it to you? who go blather from