medication kerry for years i thought i was insane, that something in me had shifted and i didn’t recognize myself it only took a moment to unleash perpetual derealization i destroyed furniture, threw fruit on the pavement locked myself in my room shredded clothing with my bare hands art supplies, plants, gifts, all went in the dumpster secret temper tantrums like a child i looked in the mirror and saw a stranger watched hours and hours of garbage tv crouched in a cave with no music, no books it frightened iz, the lack of reading, and books arrived regularly in the mail, were put on a shelf and never opened on good days i am a different person i can do laundry and make phone calls work my way down a to-do list, no problem make myself a sandwich on other days i am skinless and cold hungry for silence and nothing else i confessed all of it, and it was like turning myself inside out, like vomiting not bile and half-digested food but rage and shame i see glimpses of myself reflected in their eyes or the me i think is me, faint like the threads of a dream i forget upon waking 211113 ... kerry seven pills a day, down from nine. how do you feel? he asked me. we were walking down snyder, i was swinging my arms, enjoying the bite of winter on my nose. i feel--i feel fantastic, i said. i feel like myself. 211204 what's it to you? who go blather from