swallow belly fire I have to remind myself every day to have control. Take it. Maintain. I don't cry nights anymore wishing rejection away...waiting for something to come along to save me. Now I stay up nights remembering the words that were whispered too loudly. Those that were supposed to frighten or threaten. I run them over again in my head...realizing just how small people are. How petty their efforts. Sad. Sometimes I curse the ulcer that eats me away...but more often than not I realize it is the fire that burns inside me. My own little pilot light. They don't realize I only have to swallow the pain. 021203 ... the swinger of birches if i ever become a dj, i think i will call myself dj swallow and where a shirt with dark looking barn swallows in it. remember the scene in "sleeping beauty" with the music and the blessings from the fairies and how there were red and green and blue swallows spinning around and flying. i think that is why i would call myself dj swallow, because the music would be like a thousand swallows infesting the crowd. i would want it to be contagious and unescapeable. not to mention, i swallow. 021204 ... DammitJanet sitting there in silence, driving myself crazy. the room is clogged with stories and laughter. chew. chew. swallow. chew. chew. swallow. spinning forks, soiled napkins, passed food. the sounds of metal on metal, metal on porcelaine, glass on glass. chew. chew. swallow. chew. chew. swallow. eruptions of laughter, shaking tables, spilling wine. stop! listen to the words and not the actions. chew. chew. swallow. chew. chew. swallow. swimming in deep water, getting into boats, embarrassing moments. sunscreen, dresses for dinner, two balloons, happy birthday. chew. chew. swallow. chew. chew. swallow. the words pause, they all take a breath. here's my chance! lips part to speak, words come out. no one pays any attention. chew. chew. swallow. chew. chew. swallow. 021221 what's it to you? who go blather from