shambhala_training unhinged this weekend i am taking level ii shambhala training. yesterday i did sitting and walking meditation for six hours. six hours..... the name of the second level is birth_of_the_warrior ; at the end of the day we had a talk by the senior teacher leading the class this weekend. step_into_fear 'a cocoon can be not only one of comfort, but one of irritation, or aggression' anything we use to block our experience of the world around us. 'we are trying to learn how to smile at fear. this is what you are doing right now, this weekend. you aren't learning how to be brave, you are already brave for being here' (sic) 101114 ... unhinged (i wasn't very turned on by shambhala at first; the secularism was kinda offputting since i was drawn to tibetan buddhism in part for the ritual. but the more i learn of chogyam trungpa's teachings i am liking them more and more. crazy_wisdom i just teared up a bit thinking of what my sitting this weekend has reminded me of: basic_goodness the three fundamentals of meditation: gentleness discipline openness) 101114 ... unhinged no matter what arises it always falls away 101114 ... unhinged has brought up a lot of tears, last night, today. yesterday morning vivian gave a little talk on mindfulness in the middle of our practice. she asked us to share what we were feeling over the course of our intense practice from the day before, that day. i was sitting toward the back of the room, so most people had to share before me. 'i had this feeling of 'so this is what peace feels like' 'i felt more connected as a human being. i've never felt that before...i mean i've felt connected to the things around me, but not to what it means to be human' 'i'd rather not share right now' 'i got this feeling that i was outside of myself watching' 'i got this vague sense of something deeper' sic when vivian asked us to share, the first thought that came in my head was irritation. one of my exes from the past year was at this training level. after dating me, he became a vegetarian, and started taking yoga classes and going to my meditation center. he is a member there now. he goes there for EVERYTHING. (it struck me over the weekend, that he might have a slight problem with ocd) we attempted to be friends a few months back when i was having serious problems with another ex, but to make a long story short on this unrelated page, he sent me a hurtful email and i don't want to be friends with him anymore. i knew he was going to be there before the weekend even started. i almost didn't go because i wasn't sure how productive it would be for me because of my strong negative feelings towards him. he doesn't seem to be getting the hint either. seeing him in my peripheral while trying to sit or walk, hearing his responses, having to sit next to him at lunch, him coming up to talk to me before our first full day...i was irritated. everyone else was bringing up this smooshy transcendent feelings. i questioned whether i should give my initial response. but i realized that people have a tendency only to share the good parts about themselves. i wasn't going to come up with some bullshit because everyone around me was answering the question with rosy words. 'i was irritated' taveta, one of the staffers, laughed. 'maybe i had a few seconds here and there of calm' out of SIX hours of practice 'but i was irritated.' and the more i thought about it, i realized people decided to focus on the few good seconds rather than the myriad boring, irritating hours. maybe that's not a bad thing. but.... dude that said he finally felt connected as a human being was seriously fidgety, more than everyone else, the entire weekend and was letting lose exasperated sigh like breaths frequently also. my ex was talking about feeling above the situation, watching his breath from the outside, but the meditation technique we were supposed to be using this weekend was the 'close' technique of keeping our breath and our gaze near us. the girl that decided not to respond was probably irritated like me and didn't want to admit it. another older man said that he was glad to be able to watch his mind settle amongst all the shit....i wonder how many seconds his mind was actually settled though. i was irritated. with myself. with my ex. with what i perceived as artifice from the people around me. my stomach was growling loudly through the last sitting period of the morning and i was afraid i might be irritating the people around me. 'we are creating a mandala here by practicing together? can you feel it?' i was thinking of the amazing sex me and my ex had over the course of our relationship, friendship, and why i currently refuse to have sex with him. how he always commented on the mandala tattooed on my belly when we were naked together. he asked me months ago if it was okay if he went to my meditation center. what was i supposed to say? no? i don't like to tell anyone what to do or not do. now he is a member there. now we are on the same training level path. (the center is going to offer all five levels by june) i kept telling myself it was a good opportunity for practice. today there was an email from him in my inbox about a youtube video. i get the feeling of a big dumb puppy from him. a dog following me around, sniffing my ass, tail wagging, constantly trying to please me. it's not attractive. how do i break through that cocoon? album of the weekend - vespertine, bjork i sat at the busstop each morning with my new awesome headphones letting myself be bathed in the beautiful twilight sounds of 'it's not up to you' and 'undo' with their vaguely buddhist message, a huge smile eating up my face. doing some tonglen for my fellow passengers, or some regular shamatha, eyes shut, whole face smile. i had to leave early yesterday, as the group was breaking for lunch 'bye guys. i have to leave to go teach.' frank walked up to me and gave me a hug, vivian and melissa (i think that was her name) also gave me a hug together. 'your students are lucky you are their teacher' frank said as i rushed out the door. aaahhhh. a little acknowledgement goes a long way 101115 ... unhinged has given me an even stronger taste for vows, long retreats of a week or more. but then i realized becoming a nun would just harden my cocoon. being in a sangha gives me courage i didn't know i had. 101116 ... unhinged still feeling it saturday was the first day i wasn't nervous for a recital in six years. i started to feel shaky but all my students looked so cute and i just trusted that the threat of public performance would scare them into actually practicing, and sat on that piano bench tuning little violins and breathing and smiling and complimenting my students. or gathering their little minds into focus if they looked scared. or if i felt my hands start to get shaky as i was playing, i took a deep breath. i'm glad i finally learned how to spot my nerves before they get out of control and calm myself the fuck down. my life feels bigger now. 101123 ... unhinged and then i forget my cushion and then my life is suddenly and quickly smacking me in the face step_into_fear when life feels like a battle, mindfulness seems like a pipedream. i guess that's why trungpa rinpoche called us spiritual warriors. 101207 ... unhinged level 3: warrior in the world and now i kinda want to step_into_fear that comes when you jump down my throat for no reason and sit down and talk with you. if you actually want to talk about it. renunciation and daring the renunciation of being separate the daring to practice that meditation as inhabitation of the body right where you are right at that moment and bringing the mind to that getting out of my head and just being goddamn that feels great 110118 ... unhinged resonant_happiness bravery possibility it is nice having new eyes to see the world with. where even the snow seems beautiful. giving_up_the_struggle 110124 ... unhinged i set the alarm 110204 ... unhinged after i finished level iii, i got an email saying i could staff any level i had already completed and my help was more than welcome. i let them know i would be happy to help. so i spent my days off this weekend staffing level i. making sure the water pitchers were full. cutting up the fruit and bagels for breakfast. setting out the cups, plates, utensils. resetting the cushions in the shrine room. running up and down the stairs. setting the ground to help others realize their own basic goodness. helping others always feels good, but this time there was even more resonant_happiness involved. still not sure why. then it hit me somewhat, when i was sitting in the back of the room during the closing talk yesterday evening. bill said 'you deserve to be here. taking the time out to do something like this for yourself is very brave and after this weekend you should have confidence in your own goodness and bravery' (sic) that very foundational message of the shambhala cirriculum was still resonant and fresh with me. glimpses have flashed over me this weekend of how much braver, kinder, and more confident i am in myself thanks to all this work i've been doing in the past year. i AM good i AM kind i AM brave i AM confident i will no longer allow myself or others make me think otherwise 110327 ... unhinged i took the level iv meditation instruction out into the world and realized that it can bring pretty instantaneous happiness if i look out into the world instead of down at my feet, broaden my horizons (as trite and cliche as those words have become) the bigger horizon leaves me feeling that i can't help but be happy to be alive. that is great news when my heart is in the midst of a painful severing. i can do it; all i have to do is look around. tritely rhyming, there is happiness to be found. this human life is so damn precious. i can appreciate the sunshine in the middle of strife. i can make the choice to lay down my suffering and pick up a smile. i am once again reminded that the sun is always shining above the clouds. i abandon hope i abandon expectation i abandon external means i abandon anger i abandon the past i abandon plans i grab only for now (in theory anyways) now to stay with the practice i take refuge in the buddha's teaching that in order to be righteous, happy, wise we must only surround ourselves with people, places, and actions that are righteous, happy, wise. i abandon the corrupt unhappy fools in my life. i waste no more time, energy, love on things that cannot possibly sustain me. ( brother_ali spitting truth in my ears the most truth and righteous hip_hop i've heard in years) uh oh all this self_discovery is making me rhyme 110412 ... unhinged open sky that image has always been a strong buddhist metaphor for me ( existential_airlines on blue) so something about level v was like coming home. gary allen was the instructor; he has been practicing shambhala almost since it's inception and had contact with trungpa rinpoche. my musical heritage is also pretty big on lineage so i find it awesome when my shambhala instructors go back to the source. but he is also a poet, so i felt some resonance on that level too. the saturday night teaching restated somethings i've come to kinda independently in my studies and with the help of a certain hsg skite around these parts. we are constantly making choices and it really is as simple as making a decision. but sometimes making the enlightened nonaggressive decision of the warrior is the absolute hardest choice in a given set of circumstances. those of us that got all the way through level v together made a strong group. frank was sad to see me go 'i'll never forget you...make sure we get to give you a proper send off before you leave town' i was standing at the busstop leaving early yesterday while everyone else was headed to lunch and melissa went to give me a hug 'goodbye dear' and i grabbed tight and didn't want to let go. my heart is already grasping, breaking, greying at the thought of leaving. but i'm much better at seeing the good in any situation now. oh am i so attached to the place and people that have helped me blossom into the best version of myself. the mandala of shambhala warriors i trained with on this first path are so important to me. i was supposed to be in this place at this time. life is a positive affirmation for me now. the dark cloud that used to hang over my head is pushed away by the great eastern sun. how fucking amazing. 110613 ... unhinged 'rest in fluidity' thank you mr. hebbert the three of us that had to leave early got together to complete our level v. we listening to a recording of the last talk. the thing i remember most was that it was somewhat of an invocation to be warriors in the world. to make our sphere more gentle, more enlightened. i feel i have tools to do that now. that i have activated parts of myself that used to feel like just a dream. pins are a big thing in shambhala. they remind me somewhat of the badges in girl scouts. they tell you and others what you have accomplished. (it makes it feel kinda like an exclusive club or something, which in some way feels contradictory to trungpa rinpoche's view on spiritual materialism, but *shrugs*) i got my first shambhala pin for level v. it is a small white rectangle with a yellow circle which symbolizes the great eastern sun. (as you complete more levels, stripes are added to the empty white space; the sun is not centered on the rectangle but offset to one side). i feel proud. is that a wrong feeling to have? wait, no. i should feel proud and accomplished for what i have done this year. holy shit; i have taken so many steps down my own path of becoming the best version of myself this year. of aligning my heart and my mind and my body. holy shit. my first shambhala pin is a badge, a reminder to be of noble service. to be the beacon, the flame, the raft, the vessel, that gets others across the water of their suffering. be gentle be open be disciplined 110628 ... unhinged needed_reminders sometimes the nonaggressive choice of the spiritual warrior is the hardest one in a given set of circumstances i ve come to realize in seattle that those of us at a meditation center are still human and therefore fallible. the irony and hypocrisy of the cliqueiness of the center here kinda wants to make me scream though. 111024 ... unhinged i abandon hope i abandon expectation i abandon external means i abandon anger i abandon the past i abandon plans .... *sigh* 111025 ... unhinged abandoning the past = forgiveness 120218 ... unhinged if you do the practice half_assed the benefits you reap from it will be half_assed like that partially cloudy day that will barely let thesun poke through 130901 ... unhinged the metta practices from joy in everyday life i was too hurt/angry to actually generate joy but it did help me refrain from indulging in the habit of lashing out that i picked up from my relationship with him 130901 ... unhinged in the past year, i've become too busy with two jobs to do much in the way of classes but i have become pretty dedicated to the sadhana_of_mahamudra chanting practices have always been more effective for me 140507 ... flux i like the 4th entry. one should certainly must be able to trust one's cohort (sangha?) to be able to express one's true feelings instead of expressing meaningless platitudes. 140826 ... unhinged the mandala i made with those people and that shambhala center was strong. i went there after a breakup with a full blown heroin addict and i rediscovered the basic_goodness this human birth forgot. none of them ever judged me, they just steered me back to the light. i miss the milwaukee shambhala center. the center here is too academic and not strong in community engagement. (seattle zoning regulations make it impossible for the center to be open on certain days) ive started doing ritual vajrayana practices instead that keep away the meditators. i am buddhist. shamatha isnt my only practice. the scientific nerds want to deny the higher universal order inherent in buddhism and scoff at anything science cant explain but chanting a wrathful deity sadhana with others is powerful. it religns things, psychic things. i am immersing myself in the lineage of shambhala, reading biographies of the great masters. i bought the life of marpa yesterday. i cant wait to stick my face in it 140827 ... unhinged conflict resolution: stop breathe what is my best intention here? what is my highest intention here? 151108 ... unhinged cultivating equanimity : may i accept this moment just as it is 151110 ... unhinged aggression is very unattractive to me now 151208 ... unhinged the life of tilopa and the ganges mahamudra (the mother text) (this is doing something) 160304 ... unhinged my genuine_heart_of_sadness is showing today all is right with the world step_into_fear i don't want to turn away this time. now i know the shortest path is through direct perception. 160506 ... unhinged i have learned to see my irritation as an indicator, to look past it for the root once you find the root it is easier to pull the weed (a little patanjali thrown in) embodiment meditation as coming back to the body my chronic pain keeps me in my head i spin the cocoon i keep the story going to cover up the gash in my conscious of this numbness of this stiffness of this black hole pain can make compassion really difficult 161025 ... unhinged (i don't smoke cigs anymore i don't binge drink anymore i am solid in my denial of pharmaceuticals to alter my brain chemistry the science says that meditation rewires the brain, that if we point our mental energies to positive intentions for ourself and others that the faulty wiring of depression and anxiety can be rewired to love and peace. it takes years. it is the long route. for people that are suicidal it might not work in time. (in my own experience, the survival instinct of our ancient brain kicks in right before you hit bottom and stays the hand of self destruction for most of us. some of us don't find that luxury in time) i turn away from western medical science more every day. i turn to the planet i turn to the sangha all the answers are right there waiting to be noticed 161025 ... unhinged you don't have to like someone to love them. a person's shitty actions are a manifestation of confusion that is obscuring their basic_goodness 170519 ... unhinged i stopped seeking my happiness in other people i stopped seeking other people (just because my body craves affection doesn't mean i should let others use/abuse me. a lesson i have avoided since i was 19 years old, trembling in my bed crying silent tears for what was stolen from me. for years, mistaking selfish sexual interest as caring. for years, being hurt in little replays of that initial big hurt. and in the mean time technology has sped ahead and having, sharing feelings is seen as passe in a world where everyone wants to be rich and famous (and all the famous people have public breakdowns and spend time in rehab and therapy). but i can't really reveal my heart to someone else if i am hiding it from myself.) pain is okay pain is human pain just is let_it_go 180406 ... unhinged (the last time i was at the center for the sadhana she asked me if i was taking any classes. i told her my work schedule didn't allow for it but the deeper answer is the center in seattle is fundamentally different from the one where i did most of my training (milwaukee) so i am not compelled to join in the way i was before. there is also the matter of being raised to be an independent spiritual being and not rely on any other human to interface with the divine. my initial felt reaction to her question was 'none of your business lady' but maybe she, as a teacher, was just concerned about my path. maybe.) 180406 what's it to you? who go blather from