forgiveness a some say people dance around the cruelties in their heads... and I suppose they do, because I know they will make conversation in this way. but I think the other people are saying no, what they really waltz with are forgivenesses. little nods, melding and annihilation. and they (me too) still just dance around and around and around, because they like the tune. how it changes when you're in the supermarket, compared to the dress shop. and they will marvel about how still other people churn out the music for you endlessly. by that time they must be lost, they've forgotten and hopefully you go home and get some sleep, waking up for work in the morning, you'll be waking up again for more of that endless sort of work. 010415 ... soia I know I read this blathe before, but didn't really get it. Now I am amazed. 010621 ... pralines&cream It's okay. I accept your apology. Now we're back to how we were before. Or not. 020115 ... mademoiselle . 050113 ... nom i keep trying to find it in my heart i keep trying to find my heart in it 060120 ... no reason humans make mistakes and bad decisions. this is a given. it's interesting to me how people are likely to forgive others for some arguably "immoral" acts, and judge them (and possibly not forgive them) for others. i wonder where the line is. 140829 ... flux i've never really had a problem forgiving others, but i really need to learn to forgive myself. 140830 ... flowerock self forgiveness is often difficult. sometimes it takes a while to realize I was wrong at all and that I need to correct the thing that I did wrong and let it go internally too. it can be difficult too to desire forgiveness from others who are not ready to offer it yet, even harder to ask for it. I find it easiest to give forgiveness. and sometimes I think I am ready to forgive but am not ready to let go of the heavy feelings. 140830 ... raze it's a strange place to be when you're not sure you want to give it, even though all the bad feelings you once had have pretty much faded away, because it would feel like you were giving the person who wants it a pass, almost telling them what they did was okay. but there's no sense in holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore. i guess you can forgive someone without wanting anything to do with them. 150822 ... raze though it would help if the person who wanted you to forgive them didn't apologize in such a vague way that it allowed them to not really take responsibility for anything. just a simple "hey, sorry i secretly recorded you with my phone so i could rip off your ideas and then pretended i needed to have surgery so i wouldn't have to hang out with you anymore once i got what i wanted" would be nice. and really, isn't that what we're all longing to hear? 150822 ... epitome of incomprehensibility I hate forgiveness because it's not real. I mean, I discovered when I was young that it was words and a feeling, and as such it can be manipulated by other words and feelings. "I forgive you," I'd say to Mom after a fight, when she wasn't convinced she'd done anything wrong. (And usually she wasn't.) The purpose was to annoy her, of course. I just said that tonight at supper over a stupid argument. "I'm sorry." Pause. "Are you going to say you're sorry?" As if everything should be reciprocity. And then, "I forgive you." That is wrong, but she doesn't understand why I was laughing at David's stupid joke about the dog's name. It's because it wrenched and distracted my feelings, which was only minimally his fault and certainly not my parents', and I didn't want to be alone in my misery. Dad understands. She doesn't. If I should say, "I wasn't laughing because I was happy; I'm tortured by guilt and I'll never be forgiven," she'll just latch on to that last part and say that God forgives me. I don't want God's forgiveness, I want people's. It doesn't even have to be forgiveness. Just some sign that I can do better. 220213 ... e_o_i Correction: I'd say [this] to Mom after a fight, when she wasn't convinced she'd done anything wrong. (And usually she hadn't.) ...Because she usually didn't start anything, and she probably did feel guilty, even if she didn't need to. Guilty, but not for the right things. Mere_Christianity, ha. 220213 ... tender_square i think i just got tired of punishing you. you do enough of that to yourself, heaps and loads more than i could ever muster. i was angry at your bedside, all mouth sour and narrowed gaze. indignant, even. thinking how could you do this to us again? how can you keep doing this? you struggled to write "mom" on a clipboard, your bloated hands shaking violently in withdrawal like spooked pufferfish. the word came out "moom." i told her what had happened with you in icu and she huffed and rolled her eyes. "i have to stay numb," she said, as though i was judging her. maybe this is what i've been running away from, the hurt of losing you and acting like you're already gone, when you are living and breathing, tube shoved down your throat and staring at me in terror. i don't know what this means going forward for us. i don't know how long you'll be here. i needed to see you, really see you. i mean the kind of seeing that communicates that i am witness to your agony and the demons you are fighting. please keep fighting. 230619 what's it to you? who go blather from