convinced raze he stared at yellow numbers on a clock while rain did a lazy dance on his half-eaten roof. he should have been sleeping, but he didn't feel tired in the way that led to sleep. he was thinking about part of a conversation. she told him there was something in him she couldn't see. "well use a flashlight," he said. "you'll see it then." she said she didn't want to. she left, but she'd be back. regret's the hand that shakes itself, he thought. it always draws back the part of you that wonders after questions you didn't ask the right way, or didn't ask at all. put that in a book and sell it to someone who can't get to sleep. let them run it 'round in their brain until they're half crazy or half sure of something. sometimes a sick fear rose in him like bile as he thought of what he'd done and where he would go, and he would swear at it to make it gone. "fuck you," he would say, to the person or the thing or the thought that tore at him, until it was beaten down deep enough to where it would leave him alone. when he'd gone too long without the fear, it would find him in his dreams. he would write the dreams down, thinking maybe it was a way to atone. "atone for what? what did i do? nothing. fuck you." he read a book of short stories written by a man who was dead and thought the least of them were better than the best of most. better than anything he would ever write. he sucked on his teeth like they might produce something, like a cactus gives water. they had nothing to give but spit, and it didn't come from them. he thought about the phrase "stealing kisses". he didn't think any of the kisses he'd had were stolen. they were conversations in a language some lips spoke better than others. an exchange of ideas. some gentle. some rough. some tentative and finished too soon. some that took their time. there was never any theft to it. he thought he heard a door open and close. it was just thunder. he watched lightning cross up the dark through his window and thought he might never sleep again. he sucked his hollow teeth and smiled with his eyes, listening to the rain speed up until it made a sound like running away. 131031 what's it to you? who go blather from