heavy slothisily too heavy to comprehend [instead i lifted the clouds and watched the sky sink into oblivion] 051114 ... nom accordion, but it's fun 051125 ... unhinged like a big rock sitting on my chest 151107 ... neoncrackle it's time to let some of these stories rest it's time to put them out to bleach in the sun why does a lifetime get chalked up to an experience 220222 ... tender_square "you've carried me all this time," i said, formulating my goodbye as i stood up from her couch. "there's no way i could've gotten through all of this without you." in our twelve years of therapy, dr. alice helped me through two divorces, two affairs, my mother-in-law's cancer diagnosis and death, the abrupt end of a ten-year friendship, sobriety, a new vocation in writing, two graduate programs (one of which was aborted), moving out of state, moving back in state, moving back to canada, my siblings and their twenty years of countless relapses and bullshit, and my dad's alzheimer's diagnosis, just to name the headlines. "you say that i carried you but not once have you ever felt heavy," she told me. "i admire the way you handle all that has happened. it's been a privilege to watch you grow." 230203 ... Jus I had a really good Halloween. That whole week was bright, like sucking on a lemon. On Halloween night I handed candy out at my sister's house. I kept telling people to take real handfuls and they were both surprised and elated (it was the norm in the 90s, what is this "take one" bs). It was my son's first Halloween, we dressed him as Bluey. God was he cute. I was a witch, again, and A was a pirate. I was so happy. And then I wasn't. And that's just how it is sometimes. All you can do is move through the shit until it gets deep enough to drown you or shallow enough to kick it off your boots. I keep saying, "life has been heavy since Halloween," like it's a marker that won't budge. I'm not complaining so much as I'm observing. Maybe the next lemon is right around the corner or maybe it's more shit. Who ever knows. 250114 what's it to you? who go blather from