embodiment unhinged thank you leslie booker you are a beautiful human being. your embodiment of your practice is an inspiration. body scan, start with feet feel the lower belly moving with the breath feel the ribcage move with the breath object of meditation is the movement of either belly or ribcage align head feel the breath move chest dissolve technique check in: is my life my path? is my path my life? urbansanghaproject we can give people tools but we can't make them use those tools. vicarious trauma secondary trauma we carry our trauma in our bodies 151107 ... unhinged shambhala_training 151107 ... unhinged is now the way so many teachers talk about meditation but this was a new thing back in 2015. so much neuroscience has been brought to light about trauma, how it impacts the brain. how it impacts the body. how both of those are intertwined into tertiary impacts. my body has had so much trauma. genetic trauma passed to me by my ancestors fleeing things so horrific they chased them to a different continent. sexual traumas that distorted and contorted me into a sick sad miserable version of myself that ached for real connection but also pushed it away. physical traumas that have left knots of scar tissue and attachment disorders in their wake. being in this body means pain. every single waking breathing day. and now there is the trauma of helping my father die. a trauma that literally almost broke my heart so badly I thought it might just stop working. physically. that the actual physical beating of my heart would not continue. because the only person i had physical contact with when i wasn't laying in an incubator with needles and tubes stuck in me crying my little lungs out with not much loving touch to sooth me, the man that brought my mother's breast milk to me everyday while my mother suffered an infection from my emergency c section and held my fragile little body in his arms to feed me and sing me to sleep was gone. my physical heart, that had only continued to beat in those early days because of his close care, felt like there was no longer a reason to keep beating. but it did anyways. i found a grief tincture made with heart supporting plants. i started feeling my breath again. my heart feels like it can survive for now. i sit with my breath. the tears tumble out. little beads of processed traumas running down my face, gathering in my bra. my heart is sore and sad. but it's still beating. what a miracle. 210801 ... kerry the body keeps the score. unhinged, this is really beautiful. but i'm sorry for what you're experiencing. 210801 ... raze (what kerry said. your heart is in everything you write, and your heart is beautiful.) 210801 ... unhinged thanks kerry thanks raze i know it's apologies and condolences that are given in my situation but...i am glad that i was with my father in the last days of his life. it was sudden. it was traumatic. i miss the fuck out of him. i still cry almost everyday. but the truth of life is death. it seems like a duh statement but humans spend so much time and energy and money running away from that truth. the truth of my religion (that a huge part of can be summed up with this single word, embodiment) may be why i'm still alive. i feel like i have finally earned the label of strong that so many others have placed upon me but that i never believed. i think it's time to go back to school and change careers. which i would have otherwise never done. so...i guess i am finally going through_not_around and learning the deep secret meaning of the teachings, embodiment. so i am not sorry. i hate all the traumas i've endured but it's all fuel for the fire. thanks kerry thanks raze the support this place has given me is pivotal 210801 ... unhinged i spent my childhood in the refuge of imagination and dreams, floating in space far above this world reaching and searching for the escape hatch (i feel that this is a direct result of the early days of this incarnation in an incubator, literally termed an isolette. to this day, when overwhelmed with upset, i prefer to be alone, isolated. for most of this embodiment people have misunderstood my silence as acceptance, but that silence is only the end result of being told constantly as a child to stop my crying. the interior of my silence is pain, tears, a desparate need for hugs and touch. which i was medically denied during one of the most important stages of my brain development. this shit runs deep) so he hugs me. and my desperate need for hugs returns almost as soon as he lets go the body keeps the score knowing the roots of my discontent may help the beginnings of healing but i still struggle with relationship blather peeps still know me best 210802 ... unhinged when you stop to listen it's amazing what you hear when you stop to look it's amazing what you see (miksang) 210805 ... unhinged what happens when the teacher disappoints? what happens when the student doesn't practice? i felt like i was making progress but it turns out i just stopped looking because the pain of being rejected by my teacher was too much to bear with all this other shit going on 210826 ... unhinged i don't practice this for anyone but me i practiced twice yesterday. it was the first time i sat in weeks. i needed it. i mostly read after the first sit. after the second sit i made a collage that seems to be a favorite. creativity definitely flows from sitting. doing a zoom group with people as far away as munich creates a community that i think maybe only my blatherskite friends can understand fully 210926 ... tender square (i needed to read this today, unhinged. thank you for sharing it here. i guess i never really thought about how our bodies hold on to psychic trauma before but it makes total sense. i'll be chewing on this for a while, i'm sure.) 210927 ... unhinged np t_s i deepened my practice because of covid and had some really important insights with the help and guidance of my teachers trauma has to be felt. our bodies store it until we allow ourselves to feel it. in this seven year cycle i seem to be feeling out all the trauma that i've been lugging around since my premature emergency birth. i have neurological mood challenges but i AM NOT the unique wiring of my brain hello basic_goodness i piled a lot of shit on top of you for too long gotta bring it out into the light of day 210927 ... unhinged really though the isolation studies done to monkeys in the 50s and 60s by harry harlow; my isolation in my earliest days...my hunch that this was my root issue seems to be correct. holy shit 211010 ... unhinged go feel your feelings 'they are called feelings for a reason' integration 220122 what's it to you? who go blather from