miserable auburn is not strong enough a word. 090709 ... cocoon feeling miserable and maudlin down and depressed nothing seems to be working out 090712 ... roasted bird in this bloody ridiculous heat staying low and quiet, like some twilight reptile, until the sun begins to set yet, even then it is still unpleasant 090713 ... epitome of incomprehensibility I was trying to diagnose why I felt miserable today: -Making a list of tasks for this week that I'm already behind on? (Possibly.) -Tired? (No - I slept too much, if anything, not having to wake up early today.) -Period? (Not yet, and probably it's too early for PMS grumpiness.) -Poor? (Not poorer than yesterday.) -Lovesick? My mind pauses, runs a script something like, "Oh, yeah, that. Why am I a sad_romantic? Worrying that someone I like won't like me back. Why do I have the same anxiety about this at 35 that I did at 15?" (Upon which I remembered I was 37, not 35, which didn't measurably improve my mood...though that *did* lead to thoughts about how in dreams I can imagine myself not only a different age but a different person, and that was a pleasant distraction. Sometimes the cloud of ADHD has its silver daydream linings.) But I feel too old and too young at the same time. I feel too old for the little I've accomplished so far. 251125 ... ovenbird That feeling of being both too old and too young resonates e_o_i. I also feel that my list of formal accomplishments is very short and I struggle with the fact of my adulthood. When I was a teenager I felt older than my years. My mom always said I was fourteen going on forty. Now I'm in my forties and I still feel very close to fourteen year old me. It's a strange thing. 251126 ... Jus EOI, are we the same person? I also made a list today in an attempt to figure out my mood. And, as I sat in a classroom full of 20-somethings, I felt old but still just a kid. Someone called me the mom of the group...kill me lol I hope you're less miserable now. Maybe it was mercury or some other planet messing with the vibe? 251126 ... raze just adding my voice to the chorus to say that i too have often felt both older and younger than i am. aging is a strange thing to experience. i don't know where i thought i'd be at the probable halfway point of my life, but i'm pretty sure it wasn't here. 251127 ... e_o_i Not so miserable today, and thanks! And yes, time and its relation to the self can be weird. Not always in a bad way, but sometimes it's disorienting. So it can be weirdly reassuring when other people have similar struggles (although to those here, I want to say you have many things to be proud of). ...Jus, I was also was in school recently - graduated last year from an undergrad in linguistics. A funny moment in 2022: someone in a German class expressed mild surprise at me being 34, upon which someone else misheard that as 44... Then, when she she was corrected, she went, "If you WERE 44, I'd say, wow, you have great skin!" (which was not intended in a bad way but came out sounding funny) 251127 ... e_o_i (speaking of which, "was also was"? ugh, I need sleep) 251127 what's it to you? who go blather from