rejected thorn i've now been rejected twice in less than a month by people saying "you're really cool and i really like you but because of circumstances i can't be with you right now and i don't want to try again in the future even if circumstances are different." i feel like shit, like there must be something wrong with me that makes other people not want me. 101207 ... unhinged i've been stuck on friend status for most of my adult life with not a single long_term_relationship in sight. i feel you. terrified_of_being_cool terrified_of_being_sweet 101207 ... thorn maria and i talked some, we are cool now. i hope she works through whatever bad shit is happening in her life, and i told her i'm here if she wants to talk. i just don't understand why she says we can't try again in the future. because i would love to, she's awesome. oh_well 101209 ... unhinged when i think about it, i've had a lot of it in my life this year and while it was pretty painful i still maintain that the_pain_of_loneliness is greater. when people push you out of their lives, it has more to do with them than you. he pushed me out of his life romantically because he didn't think he was in a good place for me (which he wasn't). i can respect it now because i've seen him in a better place here and there over the past year so he is right; i don't deserve to be dragged down into his hole. which he keeps digging and falling into over and over. and over. the bullshit of the situation being we are trying to be 'friends' which i have never been good at if i have stronger feelings. eh *sigh* i have never had a long term relationship. i am beginning to feel like i never will. it hurts. but i've done my share of rejecting, hurting. boy #2 was just not my style. the amazing sex only went so far and then i realized it was because i was still in_love with boy #1 so i tried as gently as i could to let him off the hook. but our lines kept getting tangled a few months later when we were also trying to be friends so i pulled the same old avoidant tricks and he wrote me an email that i perceived as nasty and we don't speak anymore. i try to keep my heart open to all things, all people but somehow my heart always ends up with the wrong ones 101209 ... thorn i wish i didn't care about her. this would be so much easier. all i want is for someone to want me. 101210 ... unhinged i've spent the past hour and a half texting someone who couldn't give a shit about me til it's midnight on a friday night instead of being present with a friend i hardly ever get to see she took me straight home instead of where he wanted me to be; then he tried to make me feel like shit for not being with him. when he knows i've been stupidly stressed about everything else in my life this week, most importantly my job, he doesn't give two shits til midnight on a friday night. what the fuck ever. 101210 ... unhinged (i know the feeling dear. that's all i really want too. i sat at a teaching at my meditation center tonight in tears because all i really want more than anything is an understanding person to share my life with. when the teacher said 'now check in with what your heart is feeling' i couldn't stop the tears from tumbling out) 101210 ... nr all my ideas pretty much every fucking one of them 160314 ... unhinged by his mother and a few days later by him i haven't bothered to get involved with anyone since. my career is on the verge of putting me in a comfortable position. i am proud of the fact that i can take care of myself and that i know how to work hard. if that's not good enough for him and his mother, fuck both of them. i currently do not see a point in wasting my time or energy on others. i have to keep focused on my own career, not someone else's. if my intelligence and self sufficiency aren't enough or are too intimidating, i am better off alone. i have reconciled myself on these facts. i mostly feel better now. loneliness isn't much of a problem anymore cause being alone is way preferred to people using me and treating me like shit. 160315 ... tender_square two years since the words have been sent out and a first response lands in my inbox saying, "no, but please try again." 230824 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Me. By Memorial University in Newfoundland. Now, this was somewhat expected - a while ago, one of the profs wrote back to me, saying none of her colleagues specialized in historical linguistics and so they might not take on a project that was mainly that. I can't help feeling a little bad, even though I'd probably have rejected them anyway. For this thing, I feel what some people feel about relationships: better to be the dumper than the dumpee. I don't know if I'd feel that way about people, though. As for relationships, David isn't going to St. John's. Or most likely not. He applied to a job there too and they never got back to him. So in that way it works out: his institutional ghosting is dancing a danse macabre with my slain attempt at linguisticking. 240319 what's it to you? who go blather from