enjoyed unhinged we sat in the fanciest restaurant of the pacific beach hotel a block away from waikiki; it was his birthday. we were having a bash because it was probably the last time we would all be together to celebrate his birthday for a long time. mom was ready to leave because the place was too expensive even with her coupon, but dad insisted that we stay. we noticed that the five course menu was probably the best value in the place even though it was like $80/person but dad kept insisting that we could get whatever we wanted even as my brother arched his eyebrows at him across the menu and the table. we knew the menu better than mom and dad; i watched a lot of food network and he had worked in the kitchen of a gourmet restaurant for three years. there was the seafood course, japanese scallops, the soup course (that french cold fish soup that starts with a v...visshe....something; "it would be better warm." "it's supposed to be cold mom."), the salad course, the entree course, the best crab legs i've ever had, dessert. we all were still in shock; but it was early enough for me, mom, and dad that the realization of leaving him there hadn't quite sunk in. it was the best meal i had ever had the pleasure of enjoying. we sat in the pub somewhere near downtown harrisburg. we were waiting for some dude to drop of some p.a. equipment for him to record with. the malibu and oranges weren't cutting it anymore so i switched to long islands. it was early afternoon. 'whatcha drinking dude?' 'a long island.' he got the characteristic little smirk i had privately nicknamed the_frank_face on his face and said 'god bless you' and chuckled a little bit. (i still don't have the heart to tell him that the only reason i shake so much around him is well...pretty much...because of him; he makes me quite nervous). i enjoyed that afternoon in harrisburg. taking pictures in the park, drinking like fish in the afternoon, chilling with larry at the studio after freaking the fuck out of the older shift manager at arbys. that was an archival day. christmas day 2005 was one of the rare occasions my brother got more trashed than me. he had stopped drinking cause some rastafarian bum had offered to dread his hair if he quit doing everything except pot. we went over one of his best friend's house after our family left. everyone was playing cornhole, or pool, or beer pong in the basement. it was the first time probably my brother got more trashed than me. 'fuck the police, fuck fuck the police,' at 4am on the porch as the cops rolled by and the illegally acrid smoke still hung in the air. it was one of the last enjoyable nights we had together before we both left town again. 060122 ... unhinged . (i'm not sure what to add at the moment. i feel petulant lonely and quite joyless these days. and really all_i_need is a cuddle and that seems pathetically hard to find) 090329 ... Ouroboros vichyssoise 090329 what's it to you? who go blather from