meal monee a meal a day keeps the doctor away 041203 ... monee or maybe it doesn't 041221 ... mon uow or maybe it does 050313 ... anomalous combination of fatigue, nausea, and depression feeling too heavy, wishing i could go running or do gymnastics so saying "fuckit! i'm tired, i feel sick, and i'm fat anyway, so i don't need food" sometimes just forgetting to eat but the more i don't eat, the worse i get when she came back and noticed i'd lost weight, i started eating more, so she wouldn't notice my sadnessness one meal plus a snack two meals some days i love food but every bite feels somehow like poison and i feel guilty because there are people starving i'm too big to be anorexic i just wish i didn't have to eat i'm afraid of gaining weight but i don't even weigh myself i just look at how much bone is there, how much is not i wish i hadn't started eating more but i know i need to eat 050426 ... anomalous smoking a bowl helps 050426 ... anomalous helps as far as appetite 050426 ... anomalous but as far as the way i see myself, that is something i have to continue to work on self-acceptance versus self-hate 050426 ... anomalous or maybe i meant: self-acceptance versus self-rejection or self-love versus self-hate 050428 ... chiidi endless parade of people who would lecture me out of one side of their mouths about how i needed to learn to love and accept myself first while proving out of the other side of their mouths why i didn't and each of them can fucking rot. 050428 ... chiidi bile disguised as pabulum broken glass disguised as manna soft deceipt like seasonings used to hide the creeping taste of decay 050428 what's it to you? who go blather from