drinking nom last night wasn't a good idea 070503 ... nom whiskey and beer after the show = stupid 070522 ... tender_square "there are a lot of hours ahead and i don't know how to fill them. i've been thinking about drinking lately. maybe it's seeing all these tv characters imbibing and doing so responsibly. i saw the SATC episode where carrie smokes pot with her girlfriends and it reminded me of being single and behaving like that in my apartment. it's like i missed being in my twenties again, but i wouldn't want to be behaving like that now. i've been remembering what sobriety has given me: my husband, writing talent, achieving goals i've only wished for. i have the life i've always wanted. i have arrived. i am realizing that. but maybe that's why i'm thinking about drinking now, because it's like, 'is that all there is?' i feel so out of touch with life." —journal entry from january 30, 2021, the beginning of the last mercury retrograde 220116 ... unhinged i realized recently that my itch to erase and forget leads me to alcohol over and over in the process of drowning my memories, many worse ones have been made 220116 ... tender_square "so, are you drinking again?" brea asked. there was a mischief in her voice, like she was eager to have her "fun" sister back. "god, no!" "no person is worth going back to alcohol for," mom quietly added. "i have eight years sobriety, i'm not going back to drinking." i was annoyed at the insinuation. "geeze! i was just asking!" brea said. "why? did you think i was only sober because i was with him?" "i wasn't saying that," brea attempted to backpedal. "i mean, from an outsiders view, it may make sense," mom offered. "but that's not why you got sober," she said, trying to smooth things over. 221228 what's it to you? who go blather from