brother belly fire "His" song came on the radio today - Ahead by a Century. I can still go back to that day when Henhouse was new and a day wouldn't pass without having seen the video on Much or Chum. On that day my brother declared to everyone in the car, "This! Is my favourite song." He went on mumbling the lyrics in his baby-speak and I'm sure we were all wondering what he thought the song was about. It didn't matter I guess, since he only really cared about the chorus. Last month my brother burst into the room to announce he had a new favourite song...I have to admit, my heart sank. When my sister was very little I used to try to imagine what her voice would sound like as a teenager. I would bend my brain around her even sounding like me (which, admittedly, she does). I think I tried so hard to hear the words that would eventually come that I failed to make memories of her voice as it used to be. I didn't make that same mistake with Troy. When he was very little he had such a fragile, sickly voice. Choking on tonsils far too large for his tiny mouth everything always came out a little flegmy or a couple octaves higher. Always eager to be the one to answer the phone, most everyone remembers his tiny voice. Recently he forgot himself for a moment and spat out the word "shit" in front of me...I have to admit, my heart sank. And, by the look on his own shocked face, I think his did too. I don't mean to make out like there is any disappointment in his growing up. From his very first moments he proved to be capable of almost anything - forgiveness being his most powerful weapon. What I find disappointing is even the possibility of his gentle spirit being lost along the way. All in the name of learning four-letter words to pepper his conversations. I love him to the point where it's almost embarrasing and I'm arrested by the sight of him. I can accept that he will inevitably change for the sake of getting older but I hope my heart can be spared. Troy dancing. Troy laughing. Troy rushing to the phone. Troy's face in the doorway. Troy's voice. Troy's tears. Troy stuffing his hands into his ears. Troy sorry sorry extremely sorry. Troy listening and, most importantly, learning. Troy playing. Troy growing. Troy's unquenchable comfort with being completely naked. My baby brother. Oh, how I adore the boy. 030124 ... unhinged you are the only person on this planet that can get through to me the very first time even when i'm in the grips of denial. just the right amount of asshole mixed with just the right amount of concern and if you get carried away your 'aaawww nikki' suprised 'don't be a dumb ass' laugh gets me to forgive you immediately. our wordless_conversations amaze me sometimes and i miss you so bad it hurts, but i know how happy you are there surfing so i can't be mad. i can only hurt and be happy for you at the same time. cultivate_compassion little bro than you just might be the closest to enlightened being i know (sorry about the trite rhyming i took it to the dome) 060218 ... no reason he forgot to say goodnight before he left 060218 ... unhinged how many people do you know that can say they accomplished the biggest dream of their life let alone before they were even old enough to legally consume alcohol? he amazes me and i'm so proud. and HE taught ME some important lessons. as_in you are the only one that stops yourself from getting what you want. or in_other_words you can only blame yourself if you don't have what you want. as_in physical distance is just and only that. love can keep you connected to someone through all odds and boundaries. as_in dream the dream and then get up off your ass and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. don't wait til tomorrow; do it today. don't let your dreams turn into wishes and regrets. and while you're at it, fuck all the people that tell you you can't do it or have it. damn naysayers, every single one; give them something to really be jealous about. (like moving to paradise and completely transforming yourself inside and out while they live afraid in their little ratrace existence wishing they had the balls to take the plunge) as_in i can do anything i can go anywhere as_in looking like a 'freak' keeps away the assholes. and when you catch the assholes staring instead of flicking them off just smile and say hello. sometimes i'm in awe of him, the person my little brother has become. 060612 ... leni i envy you your brothers, mine is thoughtlessly mean, doesn't realise how much he her hurts her, me, her, him... we are never good enough, never fast enough, never smart enough, always do something stupid and he lets us know we are. why is he this way? i don't know. but i, too, have parts of him, i know. he scares me. i would like to break him. i could. but i love him. i dreamed that his name was here and that froze me. 060613 ... nom "i've lost a brother" 061004 ... nom i keep thinking back to may30th in the house in the kitchen he was on the phone with one of his students the way he said "my sister-in-law" i noticed something then i'm still not sure what it was 061127 ... e_o_i He's here! But asleep. I haven't seen him yet but my mom testified to his existence. He came in on the night bus and arrived about 7:30 when I was asleep myself. So it's Christmas in Killarney and all of the folks at home (or, oh no - he's going to begin playing those dreaded Celtic Christmas albums). But it's nice to have him back for the vacation. 151221 ... jane i'm still afraid to speak with mine. perhaps fear isn't the best word for it, but then, what is? the idea makes me uncomfortable. 151221 ... Pickletoes He really was an asshole And he died young But knowing he was going to die made him a better person 250215 ... epitome of incomprehensibility We walked back from the fireworks at Millennium Park in the dark. Bitter words burst out of him, un-sparkly: he's jealous of the person who got the job he applied for, and upset with himself that he's jealous. "But it's not fair," he said stubbornly. "She already has another job in the city." I thought he was getting over this. He's known for weeks that he didn't get the job. The director said there were still some volunteer opportunities, but his pride resisted this. Anyway, he's known for a long time, but he was particularly upset yesterday because the night before last he looked at the summer camp's Instagram page and found out the name person who was hired to the job he applied for. "I know her a little bit. She already has a job in the city. I don't have any." I said, okay, but it's not her fault. She wasn't trying to take it from you. I also tried comforting him with the fact that it wasn't his fault either. It was just that the other person applied first. I told the story of being rejected from a similar job with Dorval because of a distorted report from a supervisor who said I was "covering my ears when children asked me questions" (it wasn't a habit but something I did theatrically while at a waterpark to get them to stop talking all at once). I wasn't fired, but I wasn't given the same job or a supervisor job the next year. And this was because of my supervisor's report and/or my own incompetence: after all, at that waterpark I nearly lost the first aid kit and had to retrace my steps to find it. But that wasn't what I was criticized for, weirdly. It was the hands-on-ears thing. But I *was* incompetent in explaining things so that the director above us understood. I rehashed this with him, not quite as long-winded as the above, to show him that his situation wasn't as bad and it wasn't because of a bad report that he wasn't re-hired. It was just because he missed out on not applying earlier. That was all. But the unchangeability of this missed opportunity set him off. He strode ahead of me. I lost patience. "Come on, it's not so bad! It's not a big deal!" "You don't understand. It is." "What can I do to make you feel better?" "You can't. I can NEVER feel better." "There you are again, you're exaggerating." "I'm not!" "But I asked, what can I do?" "Stop talking, please. I'm sorry. Just be quiet." Something like this. And he walked ahead, crying. At first it frustrated me. I thought of dumping the rest of the water in my bottle over his head. Maybe that would distract him. Logical mind: would it improve his mood? No. So, don't. But with empathy came angst. Why was he so stubborn? I'm stubborn, but he's stubborn differently. Have I failed him by being so glacially slow, a bad role model? Glacially slow and yet flaming up with unreasonable anger sometimes. Like Montreal's cold and hot. I'm in my elements, sort of; he might flourish better in a different environment. Hard to adjust. I'm like that but in an ADHD way. Is he autistic? Lia is and she thinks we both are too, but with me it's because classifies ADHD as a subset of autism. And that doesn't mean she's bad_at_categorizing (I was feeling grumbly about boss B. when I wrote that). It's just being different at categorizing. There WILL be differences because the_categories_are_made_up, generally. (Once she said, in a different conversation, "I'm half white and half Jewish," which struck me as weird. Like, how is that not white? How is her mom not white?? But again, it's not an impossible way to categorize things.) Okay, my mind is wandering now. But at the time, it was fixed on the problem of Y. and how to make him feel better - not that I could *make* him feel better. So I did something I think was good. I let him have some space, walking ahead of me, and then I caught up with him and walked beside him, not talking. Going_around_being_supportive. Oh yes, and I was picturing an invisible bridge of strength spanning from me to him. Rays of encouragement. Prayers of fortification. Not that this did any good, I was just being fancifully mystical, but maybe I said the right thing after a while: "I shouldn't have been pushy. I know it takes time." 250702 ... e_o_i When I returned from Arden on Tuesday, I found him in better spirits. He's writing, he's reading a book called Daughter of the Moon Goddess, he's listening to choral music on repeat (slightly irritating, but it's not as if I haven't done the same), and he *has* signed up for a job counseling session. 250718 ... e_o_i Oh, yes - a conversation from earlier this week went something like Dad: Are you still reading...what was it called, The Moon's Daughter? My brother nods. Me: It should have a sequel. The Sun's Son. He rolls his eyes. (But it's Daughter of the Moon Goddess and as I head to bed, I make another title parody, replacing each noun or adjective with something in the same field: Niece of the Demon Comet. Or Niece of the Demon Asteroid. My tired mind delights in this.) 250718 what's it to you? who go blather from