comforting raze i kept my eyes trained on the long line of light at the bottom of my bedroom door. the people in the other room were monsters, but distance defanged them and muffled their voices. made them safe somehow. it's a strange thing — realizing what you fear during the day helps you fall asleep once darkness comes to cover you. for years i had to have a bit of light leaking in from somewhere. always. at least enough to let me know no one was coming to get me. even when i knew i was alone. i wasn't afraid of the dark. i was scared of what hid in its hollows. now i pull the blankets up over my head every night and let the darkness have its way with me. i don't need to see to know what surrounds me. 220405 ... kerry i couldn't sleep. i was tossing and turning, had an unexpected hot flash. my head felt heavy, tired, but every time i shut my eyes there were fireworks and bright blue waves and palm trees and five golden voices harmonizing: i'm pickin up good vibrations (good vibrations) she's giving me the excitations (ex-ci-tay-tions) good good good good vibrations over and over. i wanted to scream, to tear the sheets to shreds. i didn't even know where the lines had come from in the first place. i like some beach boys stuff but i never liked "good vibrations," and now i'm dizzy and nauseous from the constant i'm pickin up good vibrations (good vibrations) she's giving me the excitations (ex-ci-tay-tions) and because now i'm spiraling--the melatonin i took isn't working, i'm thinking too much but i can't stop thinking, remember the last time i didn't sleep a wink for an entire night and how horrible i felt, and i can't afford good vibrations (good vibrations) can't afford to not sleep, what if i have a seizure on the platform or god forbid during a session, i can't look at the clock because seeing the time will make me calculate how many hours left i can spend in this bed good good good good vibrations i get out of bed, take my pillow and phone, and go into alex's office to sleep on the yellow futon. my dad is coming to visit this weekend and i've already set out folded sheets and towels and the quilt. i spread out the wedding ring quilt, blue and white and soft and smelling like the trunk at the foot of my parents' bed where they keep all their quilts. i shut the door and it is black as a crypt, how i prefer it, and i slip under the quilt and pull my knees to my chest and burrow my face into my pillow and pull the quilt up to my chin and breathe in its scent. i don't feel sweaty anymore i feel calmed and comforted. i feel like a child. and i don't notice that the beach boys have drifted away, perhaps because it is as black as deep space and i am thinking he will sleep here in a few nights. he sleeps easily anywhere. he will lie down on his back with his long johns and his gold toe socks and sink into sleep. finally i do too. 220405 what's it to you? who go blather from