darkness mikey is darkness simply the absense of light? or to most of us does it mean depression. sadness. evil. wicked. shadows. amazing how simple words often are not used for what they truly mean. i have a dark side in my soul. always crouching ready to jump out of my mind. sometimes i enjoy letting it. IT as if its some THING. 010306 ... Aimee have you ever noticed that when you're outside at night with only the light of the moon and stars, the darkness is your friend, but the moment you pull out a lantern, or a flashlight, the darkness is immediately your enemy.... 010311 ... silentbob i want to take my army of darkness march it up to your lawn and say Ya know... our shadows look good together Just love me 010311 ... spoons happiness 010314 ... josie i cried twice today. like i seem to do each month, each year, each moment. I cried when my boss finally made me realise i have to stop fucking around with my life. i have to take all responsibility for everything these days. all god damn fuck all of it. and i'm crying now beause my life is making me realise so many other things i've done in my life that all seem rather meaningless now. i mean.. i thought it was there.. but now i feel it's gone.. and i was kidding myself into thinking i had what i wanted all along. i'm not blaming anyone but myself. i thought i had sold a part of my soul but was afraid to let you keep it and lose it like my mother did. fuck love. fuck god when he takes things away from you. i'm very fucking afraid. i was fucking afraid of losing you and losing me. i'm sorry i'm so selfish. i hate myself for falling in love with you. As much as i love you i wish that i could die of conciousness... becuase it seems as though i can't really see what's goin on anyway.. just put me in that little black box i call home and leave me to nothing but my guilt. becuase that's how i should die. lonely and sorry. i'm never going to love you.. you're never going to let me. i hate myself for throwing us all away. I hate myself for not having the ability to do anything i really want to do myself.. i want my real life. I want the person who could inspire me to do it to come back into my life. Fuck god for taking him away. No one will ever understand. where did all this come from? why am i existing like this? i never wanted anything but to be successful and now all i am is fucked up and leaving others fucked up too. i'm sick of feeling scattered. i'm sick of running away, i want to go home. 011112 ... Scarlet Photos Oh can't anybody see? We've got a war to fight here; We'll never find out way, regardless of what they say? How can it feel this wrong? Stoned in the morning light I feel: No more can I stay fronzen to myself. I've got nobody on my side and sureley that ain't right. How can it feel this wrong? From this moment, how can it fel this wrong? -Portishead (I probably got ALL the words wrong, but that what I hear them as, which I guess is what actually matters.) You don't need to die alone and sorry. ... shear up schmarlie. 011220 ... sharkieandgeorge to me, darkness is quite comforting. it's a place where i can hide my face from the world, hide my fears, my insecurities, my worries. i talk better in the dark, where the other person can't see the hurt look on my face. i feel safe, it's like a womb. nothing can get at me. i can cry, i can tell secrets, i can lie awake staring at the dark ceiling, living out my wildest dreams... 020702 ... white_light looks like it didn't take much convincing to shatter my dreams of true love conquering all.. it's getting dark in here. 020825 ... Cicero Two bouts of Poe and suddenly my heart seems to be glowing like the sun. I ponder how Goths look dark and feel different whereas I feel dark and look the same. Quicksilver shirts, 9 buttons on which to add my average. They know not the murky bog bottom of my soul. The night permeates my thoughts and cloaks my dreams until not even I can remember where to find them. My childhood was bright (the Sunnyside). At 13 I only wanted to be something more, after all hell was for them and I was for blessing. Then she came into my life – subtly, softly. She now cradles my heart in her hands and with her slightest change I jerk and shudder. Careful my love, careful. My predicament – and hers, I think – is a strange one considering I closed access to my dark heart sometime around 2nd grade. I’m supposed to be strong, and frank; supposed to be untouchable. And even now I can’t help but be taken by the pink sky. Pathetic. If she ever reads this perhaps she’ll come question me. Perhaps. 021211 ... bespeckled and then she smiles. 021211 ... DammitJanet it's always been there but i had denied it. as a child i was afraid. afraid to be left alone, afraid to be in the dark. yet deep down i was already there. i've hidden it from everyone for years. but as i get older, the harder it is to keep it in. 021211 ... tessa light is the absence of darkness life starts in darkness love lives in darkness beauty exists in darkness 050223 ... Norm There's a black cloud of smoke that darkens the sky. It takes away light and makes us all blind. Still we have vision. We see with our mind. Though, I cannot see it, I know light still exists... In a place far away, clenched in closed fists. More blind than we are those who would hold it, of those who did stole it. For we still see beauty in things that are unreal. Things we know that they could not steal. That they can not feel. So while they own the light and fly high on gold wings. We build a home of intangible things. A home built of strength, love, and of our soul; these things that we know to be our own. cannot be stolen. 050704 ... nom i woke up to that dark cloud in my left eye again i don't know what the fuck 060120 ... kerry i'm sure you know the story of kitty genovese? her name gets stuck in my head sometimes. it's the rhythm of it, i think. kitty gen-uh-vay-say--or did they, she, say it gin-oh-vee-see? poor kitty. kitty was 28, a waitress. she lived in queens. it was 1964. there was no 9-1-1, so when kitty was being stabbed to death in front of her apartment building. people heard things--but what? a scuffle? a "domestic dispute"?--and did nothing. and our world was also not so anonymous then. now you can pick up the phone and complain that someone who looks "a certain way" is walking down your block. even years after moving from a city to a little po-dunk town i never really came to feel comfortable in the quiet. i could appreciate it, the dense velvet quiet of the town and the valley and mountains and black sky. and the darkness, i could love the darkness if we sought it out--camping in the woods, for example--but i never felt held by the deep dark of the countryside. most people didn't understand, were Outside People. becka had her own vegetable garden and marjie went fly fishing and knew how to skin something probably, and it seemed like everyone knew how to use a knife, and had heard of someone being murdered and dumped in a ditch somewhere in the woods, or knew where people liked to do that kind of thing, because polite as everyone was it was kind of a lawless place, that whole area, it's as catherine put it once "bout as far to the edge as you can get," and "a good place for those people who are searching for their edge," meaning serial killers and bigamists and cults. but one coworker at the dispensary (who happened to be from queens) felt similarly. we talked about it one night when we were closing the store. it's like, going out there into the sticks where it's all dark and shit, you don't know what could really be out there-- --watching you --exactly --it's like you're in a horror movie --and no matter how loud you scream, no one will hear you. --right. --whereas in a city, in a dense environment- --there's practically no privacy, you open your front door and Good Morning, World! --and even if they don't figure out exactly what happened to you, there'll be enough witnesses and cameras that eventually they'll at least find your body. 210823 ... unhinged is like a warm blanket in the dead of winter 210824 what's it to you? who go blather from