mothers raze we were talking about people. the kind of people who go hiking in places where they know there are bears and then react with righteous indignation when they're seen as a threat by the family whose home they've shown up at without an invitation. that's if they can avoid being eaten long enough to register surprise. "everything in the universe is just trying to coexist," he said. "but when you get between a mother and her cubs, all bets are off. you hear about women lifting cars to save their children. i don't know how much of that might be true. all i know is when my wife is upset and the kids are involved, i get out of the way. they've got some kind of power." 241102 ... Jus It's 6am, I've slept for a total of 5 minutes, plus the pathetic 4 hours in the afternoon. Before then, it's been long stretches of immobility or deep, necrotic bolts of sleep at inappropriate times of the day. It's been a week, I think. Time is flowing how it normally does during the holidays; like sticky molten candy poured over a steel table. They weren't days I enjoyed, the holi-days. I'm a parent now, nothing is as enjoyable as it used to be. That's why I'm here. It's 6:16am, I've checked the baby's breathing 15 times in the last quarter of an hour. I'm depleted. It's blizzarding outside, that part I like, but I can't enjoy it, not to the depth that I used to. I can't touch the mystical anymore, I've been disillusioned. Or maybe I'm coiled by the fear that if I let go for even a moment I'll forget who I am (mama), and he will flip onto his belly and float off through the wind-whipped tree branches. I can't tell how bad it's gotten in the light of day, I mostly just enjoy when he articulates or puts his tiny face too close to mine. In all honesty, I love him more than anything I've ever known, but that may be why I feel scooped-out. There's no room for anything else. There's no more room. 250104 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Welcome to blather! I never had a baby, but I can imagine the first few months are the most intense, at least time-wise. Hang in there! ... This word also relates to some personal reflection I was doing: why do I get unreasonably upset when mentor figures act in flawed or tactless ways? Am I trying to find replacement mothers? With my own mother, am I too quick to get angry at her? (To the last one: not as much as I used to be.) A couple of days ago, I got angry at my longtime creative teacher for seemingly not paying much attention to an email I sent and then giving less-than-rational life advice. The advice was something like "don't go too long without a partner if you want one" (I told her about my breakup because she knows the other person involved), but how can I control if other people fall in love with me? Perhaps she meant more like "don't be closed off to the possibility of love just because it didn't work this time" and that seems much more rational. Maybe I'm the one reading too much into things. Anyway. I hope I'm not being too vague and wordy. 250105 ... e_o_i edit: creative *writing* teacher. Not someone teaching creativity in general, though that might be interesting. 250105 ... Jus Thanks EOI :) and I hear you, the mother wound is a deep one and can pop up in all kinds of relationships. I'm in creative writing too and my mentor actually stopped talking to me when I got pregnant (he's male, but has kids of his own)...was weird but c'est la vie. Sorry to hear about your breakup x 250105 what's it to you? who go blather from