turmoil unhinged the maple tree outside my dining room window is blazing red. the rain here isn't as vicious. it let's the trees hold onto their leaves. the drought this year made the pine trees lose their needles first. i stood at the window staring at the mountains in the distance as if they could guide me to the right choice. there are no right, good choices. just varying degrees of shit. but somehow somewhere i decided that i needed to take care of myself for once. how was i supposed to take care of you when i can barely take care of myself? now is not the time for us. i let you go but it still haunts me. i feel horribly alone and selfish. i could have woke up every morning next to you with a kiss and a hug. soon the daylight will be soft and grey and barely an eyeblink. i will wake up in the dark and go to sleep in the dark and i will recoil from touch and sound and light. trust is a commodity i can't afford. the hills that used to seem steep have been replaced by mountain inclines i can't bear to climb. 'i don't remember you being so mean' i don't remember you ever being there when i cried for you 121030 ... unhinged i'm going to be late just the thought gives me panic attacks you didn't hear from me for over a month and you thought it was just cause i was busy either you are stupid or full of shit 130518 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Yesterday was an emotionally exhausting day in which not much happened. I went out with Mom to Cha Noir and Tandoori Delicieux in Verdun, plus a walk to the riverside park and brief bookstore / grocery store vists. Nice, calm, quiet. Came back around four. I open my email only to find out that the Intermediate German class I was supposed to take from late June to early August is cancelled due to low enrollment. And that was the easiest time for me to take it. I could take it instead of psycholinguistics in the fall, but I'd have to check if that course is a requirement for anything else and auggh this stupid cancellation is messing everything up... And then Sybil calls me just when I'm finished tutoring my small-group class, before I've had a late supper, and delays me until 9:30 venting about how the Presbyterian General Assembly went. Does that sound emotional? Well, it was, this time. I go back to the computer, resolved to be calm, but when Mom and Dad get off the phone to her my irritation with the Assembly situation and confusion with life in general prompts me to talk to Dad. He knows I'm not ANGRY angry, so he's not avoiding me. He expects my conversational shifts, contradictions, tears. He talks when he thinks it's relevant (though I fear I "get" him less than he gets me). Thanks, Dad. You're not the enemy. And I'm not the enemy. The problem is revenge and all-for-nothing thinking and me thinking I'm above it all when I'm not. 220608 ... e_o_i re cancelled (of language classes) and polygamous_presbyterian_divorce (of churches breaking up) 220608 what's it to you? who go blather from