contradictions arinna i'm sitting at home by myself, staring into the lifeless computer screen, and all i want is to be able to see someone, talk to someone face to face, know that the people i love still exist. but when i find myself in the midst of a crowd, at school, surrounded, chattering, i'm overwhelmed and all i want is to run away and lie on the beach. i just want to feel myself sink into the sand and isolation, read a book, listen to music, write in my journal. i need to escape; my head pounds; i close my eyes and imagine i'm away. my mind is always making contradictions. 010320 ... dean-bean I love you. I'm just not in love with you. Stupid little prepositions. 010329 ... newme mother tells me as we sit and listen to the day speaking she tells me i'm so full of contradictions i know i say and i suddenly feel so shakespearean it is true so true contradictory always it's true i know i'm crazy aren't i always saying how much i love everyone and everything and then blurb! goes my mouth criticizing some face or place of fashion and i know i have to laugh about it all and we talk about possibilities and impossibilities a separate god connected to our existence? an existence that is everything without connections? and i lose my tongue in words i can't find my way through a sentence without finding myself laughing at myself for trying to speak at all how much i think it's all us everthing how i love it all how i love us how i hate being incapable how i don't know the answers how i think there are no questions and i say we were given tongues to taste life and talk about it all but really it's all the same taste and the same word and the same tongue talking the same mouth but then i say i can't stand something and it makes me laugh to think about it 040712 ... newme and then i read and i laugh 040714 ... newme and now my mind flutters through thoughts words gnosticism pantheism etcetera thoughts words finding memory 040714 ... nom yeah 070103 what's it to you? who go blather from