seek raze and ye shall find, and wish ye had not sought. there are things that are better not known or understood. 130610 ... unhinged i didn't memorialize it the way i have other days of the same significance...but it was around this time of year that i went to the clinic. i took the pregnancy test on mother's day, so that day can always be a cruel reminder to me now. i was walking down fourth avenue to the library to return books and get new ones. it was just before the library opened and the last time i waited outside the library for it to open there was a hoopla by a small group of heroin users so i was trying to find an innocuous spot to wait, when suddenly i was looking into your eyes. eyes i have imagined for years, belonging to a little face, part me, part you. i always thought your eyes were the most beautiful part of your face. out of some instinct my eyes quickly darted away...you waved. i pretended not to notice and crossed the street to the drugstore to avoid you. the secret of what you did that i never told you, what i did that i never told you, my compulsion to always want to tell the truth might have won. so i went to the drugstore to buy more tissue for my allergies. to avoid the universe throwing you back into my life at approximately the same time of year. this year, mother's day seemed a little easier than the previous ones. it seemed like maybe i had healed. about a week later, there you were, the eyes i think of when i think of who our daughter might have been, touching me like a slap to the face, a punch to the stomach. 160517 what's it to you? who go blather from