manifest raze she held his hair while he threw up in the bathroom sink. it took him a while to get going. there were a few stutters, a few involuntary upper body spasms, and then what looked but didn't smell like water came pouring out of him. when he'd finished and the last dry gasps were done setting off false alarms, she held him in her arms and carried him like a child, and in doing that she felt something about herself that had always been true but never acknowledged. she left without packing anything, didn't tell her husband goodbye, didn't leave a note. she gave herself a new name in a new town and fell in love with a woman she met in a bar and spent her nights laughing and drinking. she didn't drive. it was a bus that took her there. the bus gives you time to think about where you're going, and why, and who you're going to be when you get there. she thought she should have always taken the bus everywhere she went. 140323 ... tender_square he had been critical of her spiritual practices, the way she spoke of increasing her vibration, how she believed she attracted situations to heal from, the manner with which she avoided the news. she claimed she didn’t impose her beliefs on him, but it was precisely those beliefs that shaped how she perceived him and his actions. he had accused her of being ungenerous toward him. maybe he wasn’t entirely wrong. every time he spoke of struggling and how difficult it was for him as an individual, she thought he was partially to blame for how things had turned out: he didn’t make enough of an effort to find the spaces to support him. she resented that she was what he’d built his life around. what amount, if any, of his suffering was really his own fault? when did their love become a burden? 220321 ... nr at my third concert in four days, sitting in the back of the bar, i got to thinking about how much more i wanted to be doing things like this and how little i wanted to be doing what i'm doing. i pictured talking to you about my existential struggles, and the thought of that made me tear up. i was so tired. we'd be sitting on the grass and i'd be blowing on the blades to make them squeak. a little dog would run towards the sound like last time. i would let out a sigh, you would ask if everything was okay, and i would just start to cry. i would feel a mix of awkwardness and relief, and probably say something about how i feel awkward and this never happens and i've never been much of a crier. you'd probably say something like you hope you didn't do anything to make me upset. i'd tell you that it's the opposite. i can't really explain why this a good thing, other than the fact that you're there with me and for me and it makes me feel my actual feelings. it was helpful to even visualize this scene, and i didn't have any real expectations. i doubted how much was realistic. i wasn't sure if i'd get that open with you or what you'd be comfortable with. i didn't know if i was dreaming up more than you could provide. then something actually happened at this place causing the existential crisis that made me feel worse in a more immediate way. right afterwards, i saw you for real, and immediately mentioned having had a bad day. i think i was at a point where i was feeling low enough that i didn't really care enough to censor myself. there was a performance going on so i didn't really elaborate in that moment, but you asked on and off if it was helping me feel better. even that made me a bit secretly teary. when our group split off at the end, you asked if i wanted to keep hanging out. i said i did but i'm probably not the most fun company. you replied that it's up to me but you're happy to listen if i need to vent. so i suggested we go to a park. i was wearing a dress and didn't want to sit on the grass, so you offered your bag for me to sit on. you offered to hold my to-go cup. you came with me when i needed to find a washroom. there are a lot of other things like this you do that, while they seem small, show you're trying to make things better and easier for me. if you keep being so caring, it'll keep making me cry. just saying. i told you what was going on and you understood. we talked a lot of silly nonsense too. i blew on a grass blade and made it squeak but the dog didn't come running. 240612 ... nr sometimes you dream up so many situations that it's nearly impossible not to manifest any of them. but some are more fears than dreams. 240708 what's it to you? who go blather from