the_weight_of_it_all Sonya I started waitressing today. The manager actually balked when I told him I wanted LESS hours, not more because of school and studies. His reasoning was that he still needed me to pull hostess shifts because he wanted it done "right" -- so I guess the guy hired 9 other hosts that are imcompetent, or maybe I'm better than I thought. I don't know if I will like the waitressing. I actually did not end up hating it as much as I thought I would. I realized that I am a busy body and need to be kept busy otherwise I become fidgety and drive myself crazy. I still miss him sometimes. It's painful whenever something reminds me of him. I thought at about 3 monthes this wouldn't be as bad, but dear God sometimes I just want to break down crying. I still love you and I ask myself why. I wish to hell that I didn't just so I could have a sense of normalcy again. This cannot be. As a result of the pain he's caused me, I've been pushing K further and further away. I think I may have actually hurt his feelings due to being so defensive and evasive. I just can't bring myself to trust him the way I need to be in order for something to happen between him and me beyond friendship. I don't know if I'll ever get the courage to tell him. He's such a warm soul and I like him so much. It's times like these that I wish I had a guardian angel who gave me the strength to straighten everything out and make everything okay. My heart is not agreeing with my head which doesn't seem to want to agree with my painful memories. And I wonder if he still misses me at all, or even really loves me. Half the time I think I hate him and never want him back. I don't know what I would do if he suddenly grew up and realized what he had when I was there and tried to ask me to come back into his life. I wonder if he feels the same void that I feel whenever I come across a David Eddings book or see Starcraft action figures or think about making snow turtles. I don't think I'll ever be able to play in the snow without remembering that very first night it snowed around Christmas with him by my side. It is such a good memory that I never want to lose it. K asked me if I ever read any David Eddings the other night. I was in so much pain at the reference but I didn't tell him anything. We had this really long conversation about it. I find it horrifically ironic that what I had in common with -him- would bring me and K closer. Fate is a cruel bitch sometimes. I really think she is cackling at my situation and wants me to suffer and beg. "What is happening to me? Crazy, some say. Where is my friend when I need you most? Gone away...but I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world...somehow I have to find." I'm sitting here listening to this song through bloodshot eyes. I just want everything to be okay. Someone please tell me everything is going to be okay. My life is the busiest it's ever been, but there is still something gravely missing from my life. I don't even know if I have the emotional room for it now, but I still desire it. People are too complicated sometimes. Sometimes I just wish my stuffed hippo would come alive and tell me everything's alright. the sullen feline 050830 ... unhinged if by okay you mean that eventually the memories wear away to only little sardonic smiles because after a sufficient enough time without him your heart realized that what he brought to you wasn't worth the heartache that he caused when and how he left, yeah you'll be okay. that just takes a lot longer than anyone wants to admit. 050831 ... Sonya I guess I've reached the conclusion that were I to fall off the face of the earth he would not care. It's apparent to me that he's so preoccupied in others that I wonder and question every day what I really meant to him. Was I just another person to be taken for granted over a 3 year period? How can you do that to someone? What kind of sick, twisted, emotionally fucked up monster is capable of that kind of mental and emotional theft without any real remorse or sadness? He has the audacity to expect me to be civil after the hell he has put me through. He has long forgotten what I went through during the time I spent with him. And I guess he took for granted me sticking by his side during his darkest times and toughest days and weeks. Maybe they should send him back there like he always wanted...to make him appreciate things more. What am I saying? I just don't understand. And I look back and wonder what it is I really saw in him. And all I can feel is that he stole from me my ability to trust. I've met this guy I am really interested in but I am so utterly terrified of feeling the pain again that I hold him at arm's length even though maybe in reality he's not really a threat to me. How can you feel no guilt for doing something like this? I have never hurt anyone so selfishly and without thought. I am not the type of person to wrap myself up in people and or use people as bandages. People are not things. Other people are not there to make you happy. It is your job alone to make yourself happy. And all I want is to be able to love again and I can't bring myself to do this. I am empty inside because of what he took. And I can't help but feel that he doesn't care and never loved me. I can hear the words, but I don't feel it. My heart doesn't believe it anymore. At the end of the night he's just a selfish, spineless jerk who was only in it for a good time. Nevermind what I'd put aside to be with him. What does it take to make someone appreciate what he truly has? Apparently a trip to the sandbox is not enough. I will never be able to fully understand people. I just wish that I had been told the truth instead of lies, because right about now I feel like the I Love yous or I will always love yous were complete bull shit. Why is it so damned difficult to deliver honesty? I wish I'd never slept with him most of all. And it's horrible to say this, but it's true. He wasn't worth it. I can honestly say that if I had to do it over again, I would have probably done everything but that. Yet somehow I feel that if I hadn't done it, we wouldn't be where we are today. And I have K but I'm too afraid to let him in. I'm an emotional fuck up on crutches. I just want some stability again. Don't think that you can just do things like this to people ... countless women...name after name on some list inside your head. People stop caring when they realize they're just being used as a commodity to help you get through the day. You couldn't care less, so why should we? And yet I still do. Damn the human heart. 050901 ... unhinged i had a girl that crushed my heart like that once. the only consolation i can offer you is that you won't let it happen again. but, it becomes easier and faster to push people away. it is a double-edged sword. i'm just looking for someone who won't damage me. conciously or subconciously, many human beings just want someone that will take care of them without having to give anything back. i've been the pedestal for too long. now it's my turn to be elevated by someone. 050901 ... Sonya Sometimes I really do hate him. Selfish bastard who only cries after what he has is long gone and doesn't give a rat's ass anymore. Karma dear... 050904 ... Sonya pain... sometimes it's just too much I want to go to sleep and make it all go away. the extremely weary feline 050906 ... crOwl "weight is a gift." ~nada surf 050906 what's it to you? who go blather from