dream_conversations epitome of incomprehensibility Sunday-Monday night. She's a speech therapist. I'm part of her group class, but she needs to see me personally for an assessment. Her blond-grey hair is swept asymmetrically from her face, but her voice and manner are pushy, demanding. She reminds me of conservative radio-show host Dr. Laura from years back. My voice comes out too diffident, so she asks aggressively, "Are you a lesbian?" In her mind, lesbians are soft, short, and shy. "No. Bisexual." "Bisexual!" She looks at the ceiling and back down. In her voice is scorn for the idea - hers - that I'm trying to be different, special. "All those LGBT and QIAP people, they're just making new things up and we're expected to just accept them." I find my voice. "Well, doesn't every field have its own terms? Like, like, most people don't know what a 'phoneme' is!" The implication: does that mean it's not real? And I want to say "what the hell a 'phoneme' is, but I'm presuming she's religious and want to make my point by logic, not by perceived offensiveness. In my mind this is a triumph. 210803 ... e_o_i Monday-Tuesday night. My father and I are in the basement of a building. It looks like the library where he used to work, but bigger. Annoyed that he doesn't respond when I suggest listening to Bach, I complain, "You never like Bach in dreams! Why not?" He furrows his forehead. "When did I say I didn't like Bach? I like all classical composers except Schubert. There's something about him..." and he goes on to explain how Schubert used calming and romantic music for mind control, a technique he learned from the "Polish masters." Masters of what, he doesn't explain, but they seem to be music scientists/theorists who research how sound can manipulate emotions. One of them, I decide, is Krzysztof Penderecki (despite the chronological impossibility). (Is what_makes_scary_music_scary here?) And while he's saying something about hypnosis, his pupils narrow to small points. To illustrate. That's what Franz Schubert does to you if you're not careful. 210803 ... unhinged (schubert is repetitively long_winded, boring to me. my feelings are not stirred but flaccid when i listen to schubert. like a piece of over fried schnitzel) 210803 ... e_o_i Then you'll be immune to the brainwashing :) As for real life, I don't know enough Schubert to form an opinion; I found his songs we sang in choir pleasant, preferring Schicksalslenker to Lebenslust - I'm actually listening to the first now, out of nostalgia. But if everything of his is on this sort of even keel, I can see how it could get tiresome. 210803 ... e_o_i In my parents' living room is an unexpected table, and under the table is a dog, a medium-sized, curly-haired goldendoodle. I crouch down. "Hi, doggy!" But he starts talking. His name is Rex, he says in a low voice. I see he is an adult. I use a more dignified tone in addressing him. After our chat, I see my mom in the other room, who asks, "Who is that? Did you break up with David and find a new boyfriend?" "No-o, of course not. That's Rex. The dog." "The dog talks?" I shrug and say she can try it for herself. I have some idea that dogs don't usually talk, so I figure this is a dream, and then I want to do something dreamlike, such as going down the drain of the bathtub and seeing where it will take me. But all that does is leave me in a dank stone tank - the idea of chambers connecting to chambers is interesting, but the visuals are rather dull, so I return. 210826 ... e_o_i I told Dad and he laughed. "Tell Mom your prophetic dream." So I did and she said Rex was a boring name for a dog. Overused. (They ARE getting a goldendoodle in the winter, if all goes well.) 210826 ... e_o_i Maybe this segment should be called Dream Concordia. I'm at the aforementioned university, stepping on an escalator and passing by a young woman handing out fliers. As I do so, she asks, "Who would you rather have narrating a film about evolution: an [indistinguishable], a male model, or a scholarly thinker?" "The thinker," I call from the escalator. "Oh!" she goes, as if surprised, as if nobody else would answer that way. I'm a bit annoyed. Of course that's the answer. She's just trying to make some gotcha point to convince people evolution isn't real. And why did she say "male model," as if a female model is the default, so she has to specify? And also as if she's tailoring the question to women and men separately and assuming everyone is straight. Her hijab makes me think she's part of the MSA (Muslim Students Association), but then I wonder if I'm exactly fair to equate it with my old Christian school. Would the MSA really be anti-evolution? ... Upstairs, I'm getting supper at one of the restaurants on the Hall building's seventh floor, which also has a wide stone balcony that connects to other Concordia buildings, high above the ground. (Both the food court and the fancy balcony are dream inventions, although there is a kitchen co-op called the People's Potato on that floor - it currently offers free lunches 3 times a week.) I choose pizza in two rectangular slices and sit across from a younger guy who looks familiar: round-faced, reddish-brown hair, acne scars larger and fresher than mine. "Hey, I've seen you before," I tell him. "You have a reaction channel on YouTube." His friend next to him teases, "Oh, you have fans! This is what you're known for now!" And he seems torn between flattered and embarrassed. I feel for his struggle in switching between different roles: video maker, undergraduate. He's earnestly telling me that he doesn't just react to movies, but also books - with the implication that I'll take him more seriously that way. Maybe he thinks I'm younger and a potential romantic interest. Maybe not. In any case, he launches into an analysis of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. I've never read it, but he launches into an explanation that involves characters named Dombey and, I believe, Mr. Pickiwick (after The Pickwick Papers, I guess, which I haven't read either). His speech turns into images of newspaper columns in bold, old-fashioned print. 220305 ... e_o_i "Launches" wasn't supposed to be there twice. Maybe I was thinking of "lunches." I did eat three suppers in the dream, one I had to go back home and make (a soup of many random ingredients). 220305 ... e_o_i One of my students was in my living room telling me that the "n" in Spanish was shorter than its English equivalent. To practice the sound, I had to press on my cheeks as I said "n" and eventually I'd get it. Somewhat. 220326 ... e_o_i I'm talking to a black-haired man with light brown skin on the other side of my bedroom window, where there's a lounge room with couches and a few other people. But they're about a storey down, it's tiring to keep leaning, and I feel left out. "Why don't I just go over there?" I say, or something like it, and prepare to climb through the window. "Don't do that!" he says, alarmed. "It's a dream, I won't hurt myself," I try to convince him. "It's not a dream! Don't do it!" he says, looking up at me like I'm crazy. "In dreams I can fly, you know." But when I jump, I find I can't fly, no matter how I flap my arms or do swimming motions. Still, I don't hurt myself - I land on the couch softly - and he and I share a brief awkward look before the dream scene changes. 220404 ... raze i'm trying to wash my face and brush my teeth in a public washroom. a cheerful middle-aged custodian, through no fault of her own, is hellbent on stopping me. i want to clean the inside of my mouth and everything around it. she wants to clean what's going to help me get clean. we get stuck trying to get to the sink at the same time. our bodies press together so neither one of us can move. "i'll just get out of here for a minute so you can get in there more easily," i say. i step away from the sink and examine my toothbrush. it looks like it's ready for the oral hygiene graveyard. i turn to look at the custodian. she has frizzy light brown hair pulled back in a ponytail. she's wearing glasses with thick black frames. "don't mind me," she says, smiling. "i'm not a tongue." "if you were a tongue," i say, "you'd be a very friendly one." "oh, i wouldn't be a tongue." "no? what would you be?" "an octopus on an ocean boat." 220419 ... e_o_i (I like the "octopus on an ocean boat"!) David is lying on a bed, so I snuggle up next to him, but he looks concerned. He doesn't want to do anything, he doesn't even want me too close to him, because...and he hesitates to admit it...but I don't smell too good. I smell like "farts and old books." How does that make sense? I want to say. Farts don't smell great, but they're by nature ephemeral. "Ah, but the old books are here," he says, reading my mind, and picks up one of the ones I've brought. Somehow. There's a whole bookshelf of them, smelling dusty and musty. And now he's ignoring me entirely. Evidently the books' smell he can stand! 220422 ... e_o_i Told that one to him yesterday He laughed. The one with my mom in it wasn't so interesting because it was too literal, too much like it would actually play out: I'm in the living room with her, complaining about the leaked U.S. Supreme Court draft of the abortion ruling - which, by the way, I understand now. It's not that it's just a motion to be voted on. It's something they can just DO behind people's backs if there's a majority...but now that it's out, hopefully there can be some backtracking. Anyway, I tell her, "There was a case in Ireland where a woman died because doctors wouldn't give her an abortion for a baby she would've miscarried anyway." Mom has heard of this, and she says, "But you don't know if that was the only cause. And you can't say this was the only thing that influenced the law in Ireland. There were probably other reasons." Which...fair point, but how is "pro-life" even accurate at this point? If you're prioritizing potential life over actual life, aren't you the opposite? Isn't the urge to preserve possible future life ironically influenced by the dark side of liberal-capitalist individualism that places so much emphasis on "potential"? (Perhaps not - that's a contrarian theory of mine, and I suppose you could call my moderate-left, soft anarchism "liberal" by default - but it would be the kind of argument I'd make with her. And also to rail against the concept of "gifted children" that sprung up at a time when "self esteem" was also a buzzword.) Don't think so much about yourself, '90s. (I could say the same thing to myself.) Learn to cooperate, and any realized "potential" will be more than an individual thing. Don't pursue self-esteem; it's like happiness. If you run after it, it will run away. You have so be looking for something else. My rants make less sense than usual! But I wasn't making up the Ireland thing; it was in an article I read before bed two nights ago. 220505 ... raze just a snippet. someone i haven't seen in twenty-five years: "you ever been to the doctor, or *a* doctor?" me: "no. i mean, when i was a kid. i don't remember. there wasn't much *to* remember." 220517 ... raze "i don't think i have that kind of money right now." "excuse me. you're absolutely broken. you don't." 220524 ... raze "you don't know this. he loves alcohol." "that *is* new information for me." 220531 ... tender_square the clipboard was being passed around the grouped tables with names and check boxes. “hey,” my frenemy called. “why don’t you just do your homework?” she was attempting to embarrass me in front of all our classmates for reasons unknown to me. i looked up from my desk and said, “i am doing my homework, it’s just—” my voice faltered—“late,” i whispered. 220626 ... raze "how's the six-part series?" "it's pretty good. i got past the 'do' part." 220630 ... tender_square “i’m always thinking of death,” she said. “every time i close my eyes i don’t know if i will wake to morning.” 220706 ... e_o_i yog_soggoth_isn't_real 220706 ... raze deana carter: "canada's full of country music stars. you know that, don't you?" me: "no. i come here just for the soy sauce." 220709 ... tender_square a healer held me and another woman in his arms, offering comfort. “tell me something good about your family,” he said. “they’re all alive,” i answered, a miracle i hadn’t considered before. 220715 ... raze whatever_will_sustain_us (one of the more interesting exchanges i've been a part of in recent memory) 220724 ... tender_square he directed the fishing boat across the still bayou as i sat between him and my sister. there was no wake despite other boats traveling to the same direction, at similar speeds. Somehow, the water narrowed into two streams, both leading to a larger body of water, but one of which was blocked off with a chain and a man waving flags to slow. “you’ll have to stop,” i said to him and we became clustered with other boats. “now we’re no longer urgent postage,” he remarked sadly. 220730 ... e_o_i look_at_the_sunset 220803 ... raze my dad is trying to pick out a dvd so we can bring it with us to someone else's house. "what do you want to watch?" i ask him. "something we've seen before? or something new?" "the brother of john man thief," he says. somehow i know he means "the third man", which now seems to be some sort of cheesy romantic comedy. i hear what sounds like someone using a chainsaw outside. it's eight in the morning. "great time to do something like that," i say. "fucking moron." my dad tells me it's kirby in dreamland. the nintendo character. "kirby made that noise?" i say. "he connected his butcher with his paradox," my dad says, smiling like a proud child who's just unlocked one of the great secrets of the universe. 220804 ... tender_square “houses have a way of representing who we are,” my father said. and if that’s to be believed, the derelict shack i’m rubbernecking from outside has a blue mess of wiring in the attic—an electric fire about to ignite in my brain. 220830 ... tender_square my sister candice tried to start her car but the engine hacked painfully before dying. “i waited too long to go,” she lamented. and i knew that she was talking about her relationship, that she was the engine in this scenario; her spirit lacking the electrical spark that once ignited the combustion of her heart. 220831 ... tender_square a soul singer is rejected by her grown children and sings, “nobody loves me except for me." 220910 ... raze "i thought you hated him?" "i do, from a shallow perspective." 220918 ... kerry she brought cookies. she looks like someone's grandmother. there's little sandwich cookies, cookies covered in frosting, cookies filled with frosting. some are shortbread. they are all different colors. i am taking a bite out of each and then putting it back onto the plate. "i have to try all of them!" 220919 ... tender_square the shop owner was saying goodbye to me as i exited: "have a good day," she called. then said, "that didn't sound very sincere of me did it?" and adjusted to have "a great day" which sounded even less heartfelt than her first try. 220919 ... raze "i hope you learned your lesson." "yeah ... if i'm gonna snoop around in your bedroom, do it with you there." 221001 ... tender_square “the problem is masculinity,” the woman insisted. “we need more feminine influence.” he and i openly scoffed at her. “that’s the last thing we need,” we advanced. 221115 ... raze two men who both looked an awful lot like frank sinatra had this exchange: "what's the matter? you never seen a pinko before?" "hey tommy. it's frank. we're brothers." "you were like kin to me. especially when we were breastfeeding from the same mother." "but that was a long time ago." "you set it up." "i knock it down." 221116 ... tender_square had an argument about bagels. the man i bought one from refused to toast it for my sister, even though there was a huge industrial toaster rotating its tray behind him. "we don’t start toasting for another hour," he insisted. i think he threatened me when i pushed about it. 221125 ... raze "you've never really screamed?" "i let one out as a homing missile at school and it scared the shit out of people." 221206 ... tender_square the two of us were in a big house together and i was trying to figure out the arrangement of how the sitting room should be since the property was becoming mine alone. i turned a corner into a sunroom and looked at rugs piled on rugs, an assortment of chairs, and so many cast-off knitting projects. some of it was mine, but a lot of furniture belonged to the previous owners, and they left so much of it. when i returned to the sitting room, he’d thrown much of it outside and i asked him why but he didn’t give a satisfactory answer. and i thought about how expensive it would cost me to get a dumpster to haul it all away. 221207 ... tender_square i was concerned that a group of uniformed employees were complaining to building management about a domestic disturbance i had caused when the windows were open in my apartment. "no, it wasn't you" one of the sandwich artists said. "there's an angry mob across the street and we thought it was safer in here." "angry mob?" "yeah, they're upset about the decision made in colorado." i pretended that i understood and walked away. there was a mass of people outside, but they didn't seem angry, more like vacationers hitting the streets with their summertime clothes and frozen drinks. 221223 ... tender_square the man told me we had to figure out the dimensions of the swamp and how deep it was. “follow me,” he instructed. he took me into a tiny house and lifted a trap door. below the corrugated floor was a pool of water with onion skins. he took a long metal pole and cleared debris from the drain, allowing what had collected to pass through. 221228 ... raze "they got him a new id card, but it's in his father's name. people do that sometimes. they carry the insurance for a year." "is that the idiot who used to go out and get in fights in bars every weekend? or was that jan's son?" "jan's son. you know what he used to do? he'd gargle water in people's faces. he told me that and said, 'i guess you think that sounds pretty stupid, huh?' dead silence." 221230 ... tender_square "can you give me bills for this seventy-five dollars?" i held out a handful of coins at a room of old ladies gossiping behind desks. "it'll cost you," one of them quipped. "seventy-three dollars?" i shot back. 230103 ... tender_square my mother was criticizing my writing. “joann and i were talking about your poem and there was one line that was disturbing,” she said. “i know, i know, the line that said ‘he called me beautiful like a normal human being.’” she stared at me disapprovingly, either because i was implying that i thought i was beautiful, or that looks should be what individuals are judged by, and she was warning me that beauty fades. 230107 ... tender_square (less conversation and more sing-along.) i was in a community center with a few others on a small dance floor and i was singing and skipping about the room holding hands with them ring-around-the-rosie style to fastball's "the way," my voice louder than all the others. 230114 ... raze "she's a lion." "definitely that." "same here." 230117 ... tender_square "yeah, i'm going to get this new dish that's sweetened with spinach water." we entered into a busy crosswalk together. i made a noise with a mouthful of food like i understood while nodding. "so i mean, fuck chipotle!" she added. 230117 ... tender_square a group of us were in the ocean, and i was using my foot as a rake along the sand to find pieces of a platform we were trying to assemble before another team did. i pulled a piece of a metal sign and threw it back into the waves. then, i surfaced a piece of plexiglass with my toes and tossed that too. there was a playground rising out of the water and i pointed in its direction. “isn’t that where we buried it last?” i said to the others. someone agreed with me, but i woke before we waded over. 230119 ... raze "you know where your trust form goes." "yeah. in the shit beneath his ass." 230126 ... raze my father: "what have you been up to?" his brother: "the same bullshit. i tell you the same thing every time i see you. you must not be listening." 230203 ... raze "do you love me?" she asked. "endlessly," he said. 230222 ... raze "i've got a community center around the corner, if you want to come." "i'm not sure i'd be much fun. i'm pretty wiped out." "well, we can lay under the table together. i'm very underpowered these days." 230302 ... tender_square i am led to a small table that seats one. a woman i went to high school with who studied to be an actress exaggeratedly begins pulling salad fixings from her apron and places them in a tiny bowl. she mimes a movement to say “satisfied?” and i laugh at the three pieces of wilted baby spinach and two small cubes of yellow pepper that constitute the "salad." 230312 ... raze "will you introduce me to it now?" "i'm not so sure. what do you think?" 230314 ... raze me: "you look beautiful." her: "you look skinny." me: "that's because i am." her: "oh, so you've cut the calories back?" 230316 ... raze "are you having trouble with that utility?" "yeah." 230321 ... raze me: "god, you've got a good memory." huey lewis: "thanks. but don't call me god." 230323 ... raze her: "what are you doing with those pickles?" me: "i'm throwing them out. by speaking about them, you made them unhappy. took their life force away." her: "what are *you* unhappy about, child?" 230324 ... tender_square the woman was overweight and older. with a shock of red hair, smoking at a table in the back of the house. she was family somehow, though we didn't look related. she spoke with the authority of a disappointed matriarch. "you didn't take that stuff outside, only the organ." she motioned through the window behind her at a pile of moldy records beside a trash bin. "yeah, we took it outside." "you were supposed to take it to the dump!" she sucked on her cigarette and shook her head. i pushed back. "you only said to get those pieces outside, you didn't say you wanted us to dispose of them like the organ, which i thought was weird." and when i wake, i wonder what organ within was taken to the confines of a metal bin and why i speak of not having completed the task alone. 230329 ... raze "maybe there's a simple solution that'll make it worse." "good. that's a bonus." 230412 ... raze "i can't fucking die soon. i just can't. i've got stuff i need to do." "you feel like you're dying?" "i just feel wrong." 230414 ... raze "i don't want this." "you don't have to. just do it." 230417 ... raze "you choose the books you read, right?" "yeah. for the most part. and i'm the one saying good_morning." 230424 ... tender_square "i remember that he used to have restless leg syndrome," i said to the man's aunts. i mimicked what it looked like in class. they nodded in recognition. "i also remember that he played hockey a lot," i said. "you should stick around, he'll be here soon," they said. i pulled an irish exit and left before my former grade school classmate arrived. 230506 ... e_o_i My dad shakes his head when I mention my friend J., so I ask why. He says, well, it's disappointing that she can have children but doesn't. "I didn't know that everyone who can have children has to," I say, frustrated. "Is this another part of your religion I didn't know about? And if it is, why aren't you getting after me for not having children?" "Well, it's like this," he says, putting his fingers together as he thinks of an example. "I would have a California dog if I could. You know, the longhaired type. But I can't, I'm allergic." 230511 ... raze "don't you want to be a part of what's going on out there?" "no." 230515 ... raze "i thought you were dead." "i leapt over eight gates. silent. i just countered all your martial arts moves, figured you out, and neutralized you. i'll take my reward at applebee's." 230517 ... raze "it's just the stuff that's important to me, john." "yeah. your foot on my crotch is important to me too." 230519 ... tender_square he was on my side of the bed about to cry. i sat down nearby and asked what was wrong. “here i find out you were so sure for so long,” he began. “when meanwhile, i just got better at hiding my own uncertainty about it.” i didn’t know what to say that would’ve been comforting. 230601 ... tender_square she was upset that i called her by the wrong name, though i caught myself in the mix up after the letters left my lips. i'd put an a where an o should have been. she was crushed that people had never really comprehended her writing, that they made inferences about who she was as a person based on her characters. it was a source of deep discomfort. "it must be awful to be misunderstood," i said. 230606 ... raze "some women wish they were cars." "well, they'd have more consistent affection from people. it's true." "they'd also have more consistent affection from *you*." 230607 ... raze "am i ever gonna be beautiful?" "you are now." 230613 ... raze "you wrote, 'bold and reincarnated: a family or a fire?' which one is it?" "maybe both, depending on the stomach." 230617 ... raze a man who's just accidentally shot and critically injured his best friend: "i need to get him to a hospital." a woman with a strange, sinister air about her: "he's only injured. we'll see if he recovers. his birthday worked perfectly." man: "i have to take care of my little part." woman: "all the things you do ... i want to take care of yours." 230618 ... raze "just to remind you, i'm pretty much deaf in this ear. i stick a carrot in it to compensate." "i'll have to remember that when my hearing starts to go." "it really helps." 230619 ... raze "it's a wise guy part, right?" "yeah. but it just suits him. suits his role. 230622 ... tender_square my colleagues were getting into a workshop i couldn't land a spot in. "how do i get into the emergency room seminar?" i asked repeatedly. 230716 ... raze "you haven't even done anything cold to me yet." "give it time, friend. give it time." 230717 ... raze "oh my god. that chicken's gonna be good." "well, it has to get hard like a rock." 230720 ... raze me, after handing a man an orange extension cord so he can vacuum with a wider range of motion: "it's easier to dance when you've got more length, i find." him: "that's what you think." 230801 ... tender_square a friend and i were seated at a table while we faced front to watch a women's panel of speakers. behind the row of presenters was a screen that showed a collage of images. the friend asked of one of the panelists, "why do the images have to be breasts?" the photos weren't sexy male-gaze nudity; the assortment of disembodied breasts were more medical in their arrangement, and became a commentary about how every woman's are unique. the panelist said, "our participants responded that the images weren't bothersome." she, seeing that my eyes were elsewhere, asked of me: "how long do you typically stare at the screen for before you lose interest?" "um...about 7 seconds or so?" and the panelist nodded and gave a tight smile towards my friend when i had proven the panelist's point. 230805 ... tender_square he and i were approaching the driveway of a house on the market. i whispered, "this house has been on the market for six months." we entered through the empty two-car garage. the walls had their exposed insulation and beams. in the center of the room was a plywood table that had once served as a workbench. "then, we'll low-ball 'em," he said. i wondered what could be wrong with the structure, what was hidden between the studs and found below the basement. would the inspection reveal what i couldn't see or was it caveat emptor? i walked around the rectangular table. i mimed holding a cue and broke a pyramid of clay billiard balls. yes, i thought. this would do. 230807 ... raze "i won." "you mean like edward?" "no." 230809 ... raze two women talking about a third woman's strange spotted pair of shoes: "they'll only be worn once in her life." "probably. they were for that specific outfit." 230814 ... tender_square a woman leaves through glass doors with her head wrapped in a scarf as she guides a bike outside. i ask her if she lives in the building. she tells me no. "oh, shoot," i say. "i do, but i think i've forgotten my keys." she leaves the door slightly ajar and i enter through the lobby and make a quick right for the elevators. 230814 ... raze "how are you doing?" "i'm doing okay. but i'm ready for the collective intelligence of people to rise." "you're gonna be waiting a while on that one." 230815 ... raze "hi, randomly seeming person." "hi." 230824 ... raze "i think people are the problem." "no. it's love. we're just not very good at it." 230826 ... tender_square i was a passenger in the van my mother was steering through a dirt road country side. she spoke of missing a turnoff the first time around as she sped. i pointed across her body to the left and shouted, "it's right there!" a lush tunnel entrance created by ivy and hedges jutted out from the flat, dusty landscape. my mother passed it in her hastiness. "turn around!" i demanded. "we can make it still!" 230826 ... raze an interview with sam neill: "you're an actor, orator, filmmaker, and more." "take away 'orator' and i'm just an actor. i don't write my own words." "but you walk around in other people's dreams." "i know what to say in someone else's dream. but do i know what to say in mine? that's an adult i didn't have to worry about." 230827 ... raze "i never regret, and i've thrown a thing." "ha. no regrets. regrets are big." 230905 ... raze "woman crazy?" "yes. woman crazy for your music." 230911 ... raze "i'll look it up on the thing. what's it called?" "the internet?" "yeah." 230912 ... raze "i'm ready to puke on myself in a harness." "that sounds messy." 230914 ... tender_square a teacher, who was really an actress in a sitcom about the seventies, kept repeating the directive "wrap it in beige" while pointing to the blackboard. 230918 ... raze "that's not me trying to have a problem. it's me having to have a haircut a long time ago." "me too." 230924 ... raze "as long as you're not eating dog food." "hey. maybe she likes it." "not that. no way to prove you're not eating the dog." 231003 ... raze "i'm just gonna play it as it lays." "play it that way, and i'll make sure you never lay anyone again." 231011 ... raze "the musical tunnel unfolds according to your sausage." "if you're gonna shoot me, do it, or i'll go outside. i need to talk to this guy." "then go ahead and talk to him, since you clearly don't operate according to the rules of reality." 231012 ... raze "it's not gonna be a good last day at all. guess_what?" "what?" "it's gonna be in the direction of a feeding frenzy." 231019 ... raze "you would be happy if you never stopped again." "no, i wouldn't. and i wouldn't be able to talk again." 231102 ... raze "listen to me. did you learn to speak to your grandfather? do you know if he's lost?" "what about you?" 231104 ... raze an excerpt from a job interview: "how are you important?" "well, i'm really supportive creatively and emotionally." 231115 ... raze "you want me to sometimes be on the computer?" "i said no." 231126 ... raze "don't forget the munchables." "you got some new ones?" "see for yourself." 231204 ... raze "you protect us from the european metal." "but i give them too long." 231208 ... raze "what if you could either participate in an endurance contest that would give you a million dollars but you wouldn't be happy, or you did work helping injured workers and it wiped out all your debt but you never had any money?" "that's a no-win situation." 231212 ... raze "where are your grandparents tonight?" "i think papa was tired from teaching his class on escorting." 231220 ... e_o_i I'm coming out of a mall and I ask for someone's help with the poster I'm painting - possibly a continuation of the dream_class in art from Saturday-Sunday night. He looks like a grown-up version of my classmate Mischa from Valois_Park - roundish face, short hair, pale skin - and he knows Arabic calligraphy: exactly what this painting is missing. So he starts to write, and I recognize a swooping letter like a quarter rest with a long tail. It's part of the word "river." Now, the word "river" has something to do with Palestine, and as I think about that, the memory what I've been doing previously fades. Why was I in the mall? What's the painting about? I don't know, and it annoys me. But I decide to be generous by giving him the poster when he's done. "You can use it for the protest about Palestine," I tell him. What protest? The one people are now gathering for. But part of me still blames him for the memory loss and/or wants to show aloofness, so for a parting shot I add: "I think both sides are wrong, but anyway." A swish of my long wool coat and I'll be gone - but not so fast. He replies, furrowing his forehead, "What do you mean, both sides are wrong?" "Hamas is a terrorist, and so is Ben Netanyahu and his government," I say, apparently processing them as singular entities. Still forehead-furrowed, but not loud or confrontational, he comes out with something about "occupation" or "occupiers." Going back in time. But I'm more focused on the recent past. "Yes, it was disproportionate retribution. I agree. But it's always like that: leaders cause harm and then innocent people suffer." ...Something like that, definitely with the words "disproportionate retribution." (My dream self will mix up singular and plural, will be simplistic and pessimistic, but five-syllable words? Bring 'em on!) 231220 ... raze "nice to meet you all." "nice to be met." 240105 ... raze "i'm gonna make it." "yep. i think you must." 240107 ... raze "that's interesting, isn't it?" "mildly." 240116 ... e_o_i This time my dream mind dwelt in the past where politics were concerned. I'm debating something with David, who's saying, "I don't think 'Energy North' is a good idea either, but..." and I say something like, "But it's not just Energy North! There won't be ANY environmental protection as long as Stephen Harper is prime minister!" (Stephen Harper hasn't been prime minister for years.) 240118 ... raze "this is property, man." "really? how old?" 240129 ... raze me, to my stepfather's brother: "hey paul. long time no see. i haven't seen you in something like twenty years now." him: "that's a long fucking time. lost time is crazy. fuck." (i never once heard him swear in my waking_life.) 240131 ... raze a woman decided she'd chosen the wrong career. she felt like she'd wasted her life. a man disagreed. "guess what comes out of this?" he said. "vegetables. and then you can make yourself a meal, man." her line of work had nothing to do with food. 240217 ... raze a man stood in the woods and asked god to take his life. "what?" god said. "i'm trying to say something," said the man who wanted to die. "what?" god said again. "something so lightly," the man said. "and there you go again," god said. "i'd have controlled my voice." 240218 ... raze a "deadwood" scene that never was: johnny: "can't say i understand constipation or its side_effects." doc: "decreed: and even when he ate something, he couldn't shit it out." 240222 ... raze an exchange i overheard without seeing the faces of the involved parties: "i'm not your mother." "i know, but you will be eventually." 240303 ... raze "i got a headache." "you know what helps with that? roast beef." 240309 ... raze "stay here, okay?" "bye-bye." "so long." 240310 ... raze he said, "you have another wife's name." she said, "i have ten or fifteen." 240315 ... raze "uh ... you remember ... you remember me, right?" "yeah. the eyes with the frozen hand." 240320 ... raze roger hodgson: "i'm not very happy to leave." the rest of supertramp, in unison: "but we're so glad to see you go." 240321 ... raze "can we go home?" "you can if it's up to you." 240401 ... raze "you're not getting paid for coming to my house." "what if i come to your house and beat you on the lap?" "i guess i'd pay you for that." 240412 ... raze "how did you give up that daily worship?" "i don't. i don't let them need the sea." 240420 ... raze "tommy ... he had to give himself a plunky." "how on earth do you do that?" "if you're lucky, really slow." 240425 ... raze "he lived in a car." "whatever happened to him?" "he was consumed by rats." 240428 ... raze "you've got a good voice, but you should learn how to talk." "i should learn how to talk?" "yeah. you should learn how to talk and let other people speak." "i seem to be doing a pretty good job of that right now while listening to you insult me." 240505 ... raze "so, tell me about the dream shot." "he's *the* dream shot." 240518 ... raze "your last name isn't waters," i said. "no," said a man i didn't know. "but it *is* rivers." 240522 ... raze "i'm gonna put in a bylaw that any word with a u in it must be a verb. ready?" "sure." 240530 ... raze "reminds me of me." "it's good to be reminded." "you're prettier than ever." 240604 ... raze "that shouldn't get here that long at all." "it may take a year." 240613 ... raze "a hundred and twenty?" "less than one twenty, but not by much." 240624 ... raze "there's no way to beat them." "you claw your way back." "how?" "a click at a time." 240704 ... raze this was written in a book, but i could see the speakers as if they were right in front of me: first woman: "yeil." second woman: "yonk?" first woman: "yay." 240730 ... raze "we're not gonna kiss." "i don't expect us to kiss. i don't expect to kiss anyone ever again for the rest of my life." 240801 ... raze "are you all fasted up this morning?" "aye. now i think i might branch out." 240802 ... raze "you think i'm that awkward person who makes everyone unhappy?" "it certainly seems so." 240805 ... e_o_i I'm going across the upstairs hall to my room at my parents' house when I step on what looks like someone's hand. That's odd, I think. I turn back and pick up a human arm detached just below the elbow. It's a little red at the cut-off part, but not bleeding. No bones either. I don't stop to question whether it's a real arm or not. Instead, I decide on a prank. My mother is sitting in her room, reading, so I throw the arm on her bed, calling out, "Here's a severed arm. Happy Birthday!" She looks at it and then at me, confused. "'Happy Birthday'?" 240806 ... raze these words appeared in speech bubbles that belonged to two unseen figures standing on either side of a table in a diner. the person on the left said, "temper's a bitch, kind spirit." the person on the right said, "you've read me well." 240809 ... raze i keep getting quick exchanges instead of drawn-out dialogues. the latest: "she looks like a little goddess." "she does. tiny but fierce." 240810 ... e_o_i This was two years ago, in England, just before leaving Glastonbury to get to Salisbury, but I was dozing off early in the morning while imagining a continuation of A_Clockwork_Orange where there are two psychiatrists named after the German words for white and black who plan psychological experiments for the main character, not necessarily to torture or punish him but just for the science... ...but in the dream, Alex has disappeared. Instead, there's the wizard Merlin, and he's summoned the two psychiatrists to help with his magic. They're a bit confused, being doctors and not magicians. Dr. Weiss is a woman in her sixties, her hair turned mostly white; Dr. Schwartz is a man with black hair, a generation younger. "You still keep talismans from your youth," Merlin insists. (I don't recall the exact words, but there's something about "talisman.") At first, they look confused. Then they both reach under their shirt collars to show pendant necklaces: Dr. Weiss has a silver star of David, Dr. Schwartz a gold cross. Merlin isn't familiar with either symbol, but he knows each has something to do with "earth religions" (as if he's from another planet) and so they'll contain magical power. But he frowns a little at the cross, saying, "It's not quite symmetrical enough. Do you have anything else?" Dr. Schwartz shrugs. "I have Catholic guilt!" (And then I wake up, not wondering about the symmetry of Catholic guilt but thinking of the geometrical sculptures made of something like fused-together metal rods that were hanging near the door of a hippie shop in Glastonbury. That's probably the sort of talisman dream-Merlin was familiar with: symmetrical, crystalline, 3-D to boot.) 240902 ... raze "did it?" "no." "why?" "i don't know. he wants it more to be the book he wanted it to be." (i think the conversation had something to do with an editor. the details kind of faded on me.) 240919 ... raze "where did you go?" "twice around the school." 240926 ... raze "we're gonna take your empties from you and stick 'em in the trunk." "oh_no. don't." 240928 ... raze "i'll be alone?" "no. you'll be enjoying two hells." 241009 ... raze "you have babies?" "no. just an ivory iguana." 241011 ... raze random fan to bono: "you have a song called 'beautiful day'. what was it about it that got you back?" bono: "one, it's doable." 241102 ... raze "i took care of my life. and what did the exchange student do?" "there was no exchange student that i know of." 241114 ... raze "you would know this better than me, because you've been all over the world. but i've seen an incredible amount of hypocrisy, dishonesty, corruption, and people in positions of power who have no business being there." "i can't argue with any of that." "i'm not sure if i'm supposed to focus on the good things, or if that makes me a hypocrite myself and it's better to wallow in everything that's wrong." "i don't know what to tell you." 241115 ... e_o_i I'm at a workplace or volunteer gathering that my dream mind invented. A loud-voiced young man is talking about how great it is that Trump won the U.S. election. No one else in the room shares his opinion. So I walk up to him and the older guy he's talking to. I decide to say something that he won't expect. What comes out of my mouth is something like, "I'm an anarchist AND a pacifist. You might think those things don't go together, but they do." He looks at me, shrugs. "I expected that of you." The older man chimes in, complimenting me. "And she's a very good chemist." I'm confused. "I don't know much about chemistry." "But if you did, you'd be good at it," he says. 241115 ... raze a man talking about another man: "his underwear probably outnumbers him dangerously." the man being talked about: "probably. no. no. my underwear does not outnumber me." 241119 ... raze "let's go to the gun and buy a department store." "which store?" "rounds r us." 241120 ... raze "it's been fun." "yeah. like having a boner that lasts so long, you almost kill someone over the phone." "you might consider seeing a physician about that." 241221 what's it to you? who go blather from