debt nr “you don’t owe anyone anything” 220107 ... kerry standing at the counter in the olde city pharmacy, (the one on 16th street not in fishtown, i have to repeat to doctors every time) the pharmacist telling me oh this one isn't covered, has your doctor faxed over the whatever to whoever? they did? well, sometimes it takes up to 72 hours to be approved. did you follow up? you did? my hands are shaking--not because i'm nervous not because it's the same old bullshit--because they always do, i tell people oh it's a tremor from my meds, i'm fine, maybe i should have a glass of water. the tremor making a fork shiver and quake as i raise it to my mouth, making bills shudder as i squint to read the balance, the tremor of my hand in yours, a a seed-sized heart beating in your warm palm. the pharmacist grits his teeth, saying ok, well it's going to be $10 $75 $1000 i'm laughing as i hand him my credit card. he plucks it from my hand reluctantly. i'm laughing because i don't know what else to do. cry? the last time i heard him say this number, grimacing--the cost without insurance is $1000--the blood drained from my face, pooled down to my feet. i couldn't afford it. i called jackie. i couldn't give my parents this kind of news. i was wobbling down 15th street. the sidewalk was mushy with wet leaves. hey, you wanna come up here? you wanna drive up to toronto with me? she's laughing too. we've been talking about canada, right? we could stay with julian. or sefi. i don't know how it works up there but it's worth a shot, right? worst case scenario, she says, we just take a road trip. i don't know how this stuff works up there. but anything's better than here, right? then she says hey so i know you're going to try to say no, i know how you are, but for now i'm gonna send you some cash, okay? i'm horrified. i tell her i wasn't calling for help. i just needed to talk. yeah, stop being so fucking stubborn. i'm sending it to you. how much do you need? i'll pay you back, i promise. i don't know when, it'll take me years probably, but this is way too much. eh, whatever. she sends me $1000 through venmo. this is the number that makes me cry. isabel flies me out to minneapolis. you need a break, she says. joy flies me out to san francisco for a couple weeks. she says, how about you help me with my backyard. i gotta plant some trees, i'm thinking of building a trellis. maybe some stepping stones, mosaic in concrete. there's no room for debt in real friendships, but i can't help keeping a tally in my head. 230212 ... tender_square weeks ago, my analyst asked, "when does the debt get paid off between you and your ex-husband?" my analyst wanted to know how long i'd would be on the hook for codependency, when the scales would balance so i could finally walk away from being in a friendship or transition period that is very much a continuation of the patterns in my marriage. i didn't have an answer then. but i think that time is coming and soon. 230519 what's it to you? who go blather from