conscience amy adaptability i gotta clue that i started to mature a little when it occurred to me i had a less than 50% chance of being wrong on some things. my impulse for control on things that don't matter is still strong and for that that does matter is still weak. a big problem for conscience! gut instinct is the only motivator then to rely on, i'm not exactly surrounded by successaholics, and i get the idea that god has given me a pass on it all. be creative, amy, god said, and don't protect anyone (anyone at all) like no one in particular. (that's the easiest way to get a pass on it all) it probably sounds like i'm talking in riddles, but i'm not. i just don't have a lot of actual obligations besides the ones i make up for myself. the only way i can make good on the science-failure is to vow to be a scientist again when that's possible- so what else is there to do? i mow the lawn a little. i do the dishes. i listen to the sorrows of others. i absolutely positively have only the material well-being of my parents to protect, while they believe it is their duty to protect my material well being. And I'll tell you -- it's just altogether way too boring. superficially i do nothing because of boredom. deep down, it's a big factor. i wouldn't trust me either. there's hope though: i'm looking to unbore me. it's stressful though bc i sincerely doubt that trust is warranted, in my case. it's just a tough nut, i guess. i should get back to work and avoid my escapist habits and policies. & also have a beer eventually. 130601 ... epitome of incomprehensibility If it was only a con against science. If only my guilt weren't tied to cold, hard, real-world logic. 140309 ... e_o_i And now I'm wondering whether it should be "If [third-person (pro)noun] was" or "If [third-person (pro)noun] were" since I seemed to have used both just now. I'm inconsistent and superficial; thanks, blather, for that revelation. I think I'll go to bed now. I seriously think, given the right (wrong?) upbringing, Anne of Green Gable's would've turned into a violent criminal. She has the internal justifications down pat ("Gilbert made fun of my hair! So I hit him!") (not exact quote). Sadly, she reminds me of myself. 140309 ... e_o_i tries to correct Not "Gable's." What is wrong with you? Now you're abusing grammar. Think of poor Werther: sure, he ended up killing himself, but when he got emotional he still wrote proper sentences. 140309 what's it to you? who go blather from