james kerry i found out today that you used to like me a lot. and maybe still do. i was lying on my floor on the tiny white rug at the foot of my bed looking up at the retro fan and the hanging star crystal. phone pressed to my ear hands like ice pajama shorts sliding up my legs so weird that i have been thinking of you so much lately/ wondering how it would feel to have our lips collide. your scruffy chin. your blue eyes. your clumsy hands. you kill me and you liked me and that kills me and i sat straight up and couldnt say a word couldn't breathe and my knees shook and i hate this feeling because now i think i might actually love you but i don't know i don't know i don't know how i feel and le sigh 021006 ... unhinged the perfect man so precious and talented and beautiful i just can't let go of a man with a fro "i thought you guys were straight and when i found out you weren't....ppffffftttt" 021006 ... kerry we don't talk anymore in drawing when you pass by i wait for your usual smile, "what's up" you always smiled first so now i don't at all because you just look at my eyes and keep walking. and you walk with her, her arm around you. and i asked you if you were getting a date and you said no but you don't tell me anything anymore and i sit in front of you stiff sitting the way i used to except when we started out i remember the soft scratching sounds of your pencil and when i turned around you were drawing me. i dreamed last night that the boy who used to like me pinned me down and took off his shirt and it scared me so much that it woke me up. his ribs were poking everywhere the way it feels like mine do when i am near you the way it feels like i scare you away being too nice or something that you have to go talk to her you don't see it but i know you're her bitch now. 021012 ... kerry "is james there?" "no, he's not. is this katie?" katie? who's katie? you say you miss her so much. you say this one moment and then laugh and look into my eyes so deeply the next moment, teasing me playfully and joking around. i guess if i didn't feel this way for you, i could just be happy for you. but it makes me sad. are you in love with her? 021023 ... kerry this morning when my alarm went off, i smacked it really hard to quiet down. i rolled back over, yawned, and was ready to get out of bed. before i had the chance to do so, i fell right back asleep. in the 20 minutes i was asleep, you haunted my dreams and it kills me just to think about it. we were on this lush soccer field at a game and you were standing by the midfield line, looking very attractive. i had been planning to kiss you so i walked up to you and your eyebrows raised questioningly. i held the sides of your face, pulled you to me, and began to kiss you deeply. and it was wonderful, because i could feel it and it was vivid and i couldn't wait to see you this morning. 021024 ... kiss my ass Your and asshole and I hate you 021025 ... kerry he's going out with katie. i feel broken. 021025 ... Casey He smokes, plays the guitar, makes really funny jokes, and gets his heart broken. 021025 ... kerry she goes to bed thinking of you as she always does and she wakes up longing for you as she always will 021103 ... jane you said you don't like being called james so i guess i have to call you jimmy 021104 ... jane you said you don't like being called james so i guess i have to call you jimmy 021104 ... belly fire don't tell her to turn down, put on your shades if you can't see, don't tell her to turn down, turn up the flame. she's a star 021105 ... silentbob he fell out of a tall window and a teacher wrapped him in his coat and carried him away. 021106 ... jinx *love* bobby james castle 021107 ... kerry your voice hurts my head like my teeth are being smashed into bricks 021109 ... kerry she moved us apart today. my stomach clenched when i realized i had no one to talk to. you sat on the floor in front of my desk and whispered hi. caught me off guard. caught me biting my nails and wondering why the hell i was still thinking of you. it doesn't really matter how many days pass without us laughing. i will still sit and paint crimson over cerulean over chartruese over goldenrod remembering how your eyes skillfully unbutton and untie and the way your mouth twitched a half-smile when you told me you almost came by my house on sunday the awful feeling i get when i remember i've never even kissed you, not really except that one horrible dream that was so bittersweet blissfully tossing and turning in jersey sheets while our lips weld together rose petals to chapped copper like flowers pressed into pulpy paper and then woke up and felt more cold and lonely than i ever have felt in my entire life got in the shower wishing i could crawl back into bed and forget nothing was real. 021111 ... jane i think i could love you maybe i already do 021112 ... kerry everything i do is just a distraction. mere sidenotes, things to temporarily draw my attention away from you. it would be so hard just to talk to you the way i used to be able to do. do you ever have that weird burning sensation in your nose, just in the back of the nostrils, when your vision clouds and you think you may just cry? just a minute ago i was dreaming about how nice it would be to be a poet dressed in pink or brown or cream, or a happy girl wrapped in a blanket next to a warm voice guiding her eyes to all the right places. how sad that blather is the only place i can really write about you the way i'd like to. unrestrained, chains thrown to the ground; i stared at the sloping curve of your back, slightly womanly under a charcoal thermal shirt, and wanted to sketch you. or command you to look at me. which you hardly ever do anymore, or when you do it's different, because we used to smile twinkling grins and laugh about some secret joke we'd never be able to explain to even each other, and now your eyes are reluctant or longing, almost but maybe that's just something i made up. i don't even know anymore. but i see this eerie sadness lurking rimmed with salty blue, the kind of sadness that reminds me of myself when people would ask me what was wrong when he told me i looked like a person who never slept when she said i seemed sad all the time when i'd look in the mirror and see these miserable hazel pools dripping tears and sweat and blood and shit and now i see it in you 021119 ... kerry i think i'm starting to get used to things. the way we dont really talk much anymore. i'm not sure why it is but things are getting lost. today you waved at me from across the room and my eyes fell to the floor. i had halfsmiled and felt sad and when i looked back up a split second later your hand dropped to your side and you looked at the floor too. and it made me ache... but, like i said, i'm used to it. 021125 ... kerry when we smile glass and leaves and crunchy and sweet my tummy goes topsy-turvy 021203 ... jinx He lives in California. He's living off his savings right now and spends his time writing and going to coffee shops and libraries. He's big into animal rights and goes outside to smoke so his kitty doesn't have to suffer. He's a wallflower. 021204 ... kerry you told me that sometimes it's visible the way i look like i wish i could just go, anywhere but that classroom... just get up and go. 021204 ... kerry almost looking forward to spending time around you. wishing i hadn't made up so much lacy bullshit in my head. i can be myself around you. i can act normal. i can breathe as long as i'm an arm's length away. and also i can ask you things and be brave about it; all this is good. but, a lot of times, i just wish you would drop off the face of the earth. do you want to know something scary? i want to crawl inside your face. 021230 ... kerry listened to the song "get me away from here, i'm dying" a few times last night, it was about 12:00, i was surprisingly tired and lying face down on the bed while silvery glitter polish dried on my nails i've been leafing through winona ryder photography books and reading up on kerouac and ginsberg and cassady i have become obsessed with jack kerouac and neal cassady and i want to tell you all about everything and i felt so completely deflated last night because the day had been alright and at the end, my brain was back in normal mode and i had to actually stop and think, i need a distraction. so i wrote in my journal, read some, and thought of you, and decided that keeping this to myself may be a wee bit unhealthy because only johanna and jackie know about it, and only jackie knows about it to its true extent, and it kills me every day. i think about telling you and i know it could go surprisingly well, or it could be not so good, and though i know this i cannot help imagining it turning out as anything but horrible. hey, it would be a good way to get over you, eh? quick and rather painful. i dont want to go that way. 030126 ... ShilohLoved I still love you...DAMN IT!!! I'm in love with you and no matter what I do I can't just accept that youre gone and have another lif in another place. Last I hered you had another girlfriend and you were touring with some band somewhere... I don't know...I just know that fore some reason I can't shake the feeling that I'll see you again...so untill then...I'll have my life..you have yours...and I Love You 030612 ... ShilohEmbearassedOfHerself Wow...I am a blathering fool... I'm sorry that I tend to just spew out whatever I am feeling all over everyone...And sorry for the typos... anyhoo... I was actually thinking about the day I met you...I drew out the cafeteria and how everyone was seated at the table...What I was remembering wasn't when I first first firstly met you...but the day I met...the day ..The day I met youre eyes...and that was when I met you. It felt strange to try and re-think everything in it's place on my notepad. I seriously was sooooooo Curious. I knew I wanted to know you..but I wasn't sure how I wanted to know you...then sometime later or during that thought our eyes met...and I knew that If I wanted to keep my life the same I had to stay away from you... I can't believe I remember this... but you knew...you felt me get uncomfterable under youre gase because I wanted soo badly to ask you soo many wuestions and I knew I couldn't escape you. I knew I wouldn't let myself escape you.. Why didn't I listin to my first instinct? because I don't listin to anyone. I was looking through letters I wrote to you...I feel pathetic reading them now and I wish I could erace all knowledge of ever writing such stupid things...I mean you far away& me moved and I was still writing letters to you... I'm still writing letters to you only I know you will never read these and I know that I'm writing this for myself more or less... but anywayz...those letters were...a waste of paper..but If I ever see you and we are still on the same terms or on my prefered terms I'll give you the letters just so you can have a good laugh at my stuipdity. I also wrote you this venom filled letter sealed with whip lash...but It's not really that bad...I was still shocked when I read it becuase It took me long enough to finally explode from all the anger I had... but I'm still wondering why I still held back while writing that...what did I think I would have ever given it to you?....no I probibly would've said it all to you come to think of it because I was pretty mad everything...and I wouldn't admit that what I knew wasn't really my buseness and it was just Amber trying to... well I don't know what she was trying to do...but it dosen't matter...I was mad... I think my real peoblem is/was that I have/had feelings for a ghost... you don't exist in my life and for a long time I was still waiting for the phone to ring and for it to be you. Now I know that that is just all a little girls imagination, and that I will not be able to make a ghost into a person. Thank you for telling amber that you have a girlfriend and for showing me that you;ve gotten on with youre life. When I worte that angry letter to you... I was reacting out of anger that you didn't tell me any of this information and that I had to hear it from amber. For those reading this I know it must sound like I'm still in like ot whatever for this guy. that is not the case...I will always love him because he was that first love type of a person and We had that typre of a connection that If I looked into his eyes and asked him a question he could anwser it by just looking into my eyes. I know that sounds stupid but yea...so I'm stupid shoot me :)... but anywayz what I was saying was that it was a deal that you lose a part to the person. I;m happy to say that I can function and live perfectly normally without thinking of him all the time...It took a while but the pein went away and the empty ness is leaving too. LOL..I think I'm saying all this for myself becuase I know how far I've come and how much of myself I've gotten back. I've changed and grown soo much sence my whole ordeal with James that it seems to be only bits and traces of a beautiful nightmare. I know I will see him again in the future and I know that I will always carry a little bit of him with me...(I've been finding myself with traits and habits that I always noticed in you and ceriain tastes and smells always seem to take me back to little events is my past.) I don't mind and I wouldn't trade the times we had for anything. I needed to lern the lessens that I lerned from that and i am happy to say that yo made me a better person. Now i hope that my memory won't be a sploch in youre Paige and I hope you won't hate me ...LOL... And then again...I don't seem to care.. Wow... Great feeling... Ok anywayz I'll stop now cause I've written a friggin novel and you don't know about this so you aren't getting anything out of it and the poor ppl reading this will be asleep... 030702 ... Shiloh(Still hiding my face) hahahahaha!!!!! Can't type or spell!!!!! Sorry guys!!!!!!LOL 030702 ... Concentric Seamus 060719 what's it to you? who go blather from