|
|
even_more_things_learned_from_dreams
|
|
|
e_o_i hopes this finally works
|
The neighbour's dog can fly, and I can't, which leads to a convoluted storyline and a lesson on envy.
When I'm Anne of Green Gables, I won't actually be a psychopath. On my first day of sixth grade, I'll rescue two little girls from drowning - one more than the previous year.
I'll also have a crush on Diana Barry. And I'll assert that there are fearsome Orcs in willow trees everywhere.
|
140314
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
forms are easier to fill out when they're not upside_down, though a bathroom counter is never going to be an ideal writing place, and memories that belong to others are sometimes jogged by strange hairy toothbrushes.
|
140315
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
feet are the great equalizer, no amount of hot water can rescue bad coffee (no matter how passionately poured), and philip_seymour_hoffman doesn't mind a little coleslaw in his juice.
|
140316
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
I can impress my mother, who sends me out to "seek my fortune," by running down the street and retrieving a bag that was blowing in the wind. Inside are three plastic bottles that can be redeemed for five cents each. Because fifteen cents a minute is a fairly good rate.
|
140316
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(Really it'd only be nine dollars. But sometimes I'm logical in dreams: I told two girls they couldn't make maple taffy by pouring syrup on a heating dish - it would just evaporate, I explained patiently; they needed to put it on something cold, like snow. They ignored me. Kids these days.)
|
140316
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
you_make_my_ears_hurt
|
140317
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when engaged in a pvc pipe fight, aim for the belly, not the face. it's the easiest way to win without getting too dented in the process.
|
140317
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a way to make a hammond organ sound like an electric piano. you just have to not really know how to play it.
|
140318
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sitting down for dinner naked as the day you were born is amusing for the reaction you get from peter krause when he's your brother. not so much when you notice an old woman and two young boys standing at the head of the table looking horrified.
|
140319
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
how to incapacitate a lion that's been sent to kill you: plug up its nose while repeatedly spitting in its mouth and kneeing it in the genitals. you'll still get a little scratched up, but what's a lion fight without some scratches?
|
140320
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an ashtray can be anything. even the night itself.
|
140321
|
|
... |
|
|
no reason
|
my sister will say "it's a little early, isn't it?" to a man on the street, who will immediately know she means that he's acting drunk and it's too early to be drinking. he'll look a bit offended and walk away.
then my sister won't understand why my mom and i are telling her that was mean of her.
|
140321
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes, when you wake up with your arm asleep and you're still half in a dream, tennis commentators will weigh in on the state of the limb. today, for instance, robbie koenig had this to say about my right arm:
"it's good for one thing right now: pole vaulting."
|
140322
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
restaurants named after short-lived television shows never last.
|
140323
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's no saving a flooded memory. all you can do is stand there and watch it drown.
|
140324
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Burkina Faso looks like rural Laurentian cottage country, dotted with transplanted palm trees from my memory of southern Italy.
Address books that are part book and part Internet will suggest you know more people than you really do. I'm more likely to befriend a red-haired woman who says she has "tiny" daughters smaller than her thumb if she's a character created by the young Ellen DeGeneres.
|
140324
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
liam neeson never loses a sword fight.
|
140325
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
Anything by J.D. Salinger that isn't narrated by Holden Caulfield will look blurry, even when I put my glasses on.
And when I have that typical anxiety dream where I need to do just one more assignment to graduate, I'll flee the library and wander into a Gothic-style courtyard to befriend a giant crow by feeding it bread that I've softened in my mouth first.
|
140325
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's been so long since i got a haircut, i don't even know who to go to anymore.
|
140326
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Coldplay will make more interesting songs when their producer is an avowed communist with the middle initial E.
|
140326
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you've been given an assignment to bend a piece of metal into three different tools and some stranger has the nerve to criticize your efforts, you can always use that piece of metal to smack them in the face.
|
140327
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
people from the past sell strange homemade VHS tapes, but if the price is right, they just might be worth buying.
|
140328
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
My strategy for increased popularity? Invite people to an already crowded house the minute I find out I can order two pizzas for $9.
But it backfires when I notice that one of my guests, who owns a quirky curiosity shop, has stolen my beloved copy of Finnegans Wake to place in their display window.
|
140328
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
whatever you do, don't ever hit the N button on an elevator in a fit of blind fury. the N stands for narrow, and it's agony going down.
|
140329
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you get off of the bus before it brings you to school and you forget how to make it there on foot, you can always tenderize a steak with your fingers. bare hands work just as well as a blunt object if you know how raw meat wants to be touched.
|
140330
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm teaching a class of small kids that turns out to be a Sunday school, I'll tell them about the time prophet Obadiah met Jesus to talk about making scarves.
|
140330
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
tell the same story enough times in enough different dreams and you'll spontaneously become fluent in spanish and start telling it in that language.
|
140331
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
justin timberlake's way of explaining his relationship needs to new girlfriend lauren graham: "i don't want to play 'let's infiltrate the DJ booth'. i'm just looking for someone with an understanding of serbian guilt."
|
140401
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
math predicts the future, but no one believes in scrawled basement equations when they should.
|
140402
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Katy Perry's an honourary Canadian due to her invention of low-water-usage toilets for third-world countries. It says so on a water fountain in a movie theatre.
|
140402
|
|
... |
|
|
no reason
|
whenever i have a dream that features a baby, the baby will be the size of a dust particle. and i will always misplace the baby and get stressed out about it.
|
140402
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Jumping_in_slow_motion is an indirect protest against Quebec's proposed Values Charter. Making smoothies is an indirect critique of British author Jeanette Winterson.
|
140403
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
matthew_mcconaughey has a thing for eavestroughs / rain gutters. he likes to hit them. with a drum stick.
|
140403
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A preposition is not just a kind of word, but also a tree and a totally different plant that produces tiny "indigo to violet" flowers and then dime-sized cabbages. The smaller preposition plant was once banned in Britain, a curly-haired scientist says.
|
140404
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone means to harm you because they mistakenly think you've stolen their girlfriend, you can always challenge them to a ketchup fight. the rules are simple: you throw opened packets of ketchup at each other, and the first person to get hit loses. it's like a messier, more awkward form of dodgeball. even if they refuse to indulge you, chances are they'll be caught off guard and confused long enough for you to get the drop on them.
|
140404
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
female body builders can get possessive in a relationship. when they start bench pressing you without asking your permission first, it might be time to consider seeing other people.
|
140405
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some grandparents seem to age in reverse. the secret to their apparent eternal youth? sleeping in an unfinished basement. the air must be kinder down there.
|
140406
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's a good rule of thumb to check on how much chicken you have left before you start making a stirfry, not after.
|
140407
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
urine is a surprisingly effective substitute for gasoline.
|
140408
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The apocalypse is kind of like a snowball fight. Both involve mountains. Of snow.
|
140408
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when six members of the mafia are all under the same roof serving a house arrest sentence, they'll sit down and iron out their differences. there isn't much else to do without anyone to whack or anything to whack them with (an old mattress is a poor substitute for a gun or a garrotte).
|
140409
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an improvised prison is only as good as its guards.
|
140410
|
|
... |
|
|
leahcar
|
Even random women in ridiculously hard to use bathrooms think I should do yoga.
|
140410
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in the beginning, elvis presley was a woman, and it took a brave basketball coach to quiet her crowds.
|
140411
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
people who work in department stores don't mind if you relax on one of their reclining couch-chairs with your shoes on, as long as you're pretending it's christmas morning to comfort a tired friend and you're not entirely yourself.
|
140412
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the brain of a master chef is not so easily reconnected after it's been stolen and recovered, but it can survive a surprisingly long time away from the body. so too can the body without the brain.
|
140413
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
eddie money's "take me home tonight" is a surprisingly effective choice of song for a book musical, but the real showstopper is "at last" sung in french.
|
140414
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you get into an argument with someone while you're sitting in the waiting room at a doctor's office, if your argument is good enough everyone else will stop talking and start listening. if you've got a really good audience, they'll even laugh at the appropriate moments.
|
140415
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
how a depleted, down on its luck school basketball team finds redemption: rip torn becomes their new coach, teaching them sleight of hand techniques and bringing in a zebra to serve as their new point guard. you haven't lived until you've seen a cartoon zebra execute a difficult pass with its tail.
|
140416
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's incredibly sensual when someone rubs her nose against my bare back, even when she's named after the girl who refused my mixed_tape in high school.
But the greatest feeling in the world is putting on socks - not sexual at all, but very texturally satisfying.
|
140416
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
getting the notes you need on a trumpet is a lot easier when you're watching yourself in the third person.
|
140417
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I find a miniature replica of Montreal in a used clothes store, I'll just stop long enough to look at the Parc Ex neighbourhood and then go, boringly, to the shoes and clothes section. But they'll all be shoes and clothes I already own.
|
140417
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
dressing up as sylvester stallone for halloween isn't so hard. it's not so much about the costume; it's all in the way you hold your mouth.
|
140418
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it might be difficult to make yourself understood to someone who doesn't speak your language, but everyone understands the language of mashed potatoes.
|
140419
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's not that scary when I split into two in order to carry on an interior dialogue. It's only scary when the other half of myself turns into a talking plastic bag that hovers over my shoulder in dimly-lit rooms.
Outside, I'm whole again, and the front yard has turned into a lettuce forest.
|
140419
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the food court at the mall is no place for a family reunion.
|
140420
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If you're an expert, you can build a house's foundation entirely out of PVC pipe.
Certain kinds of conversations involve speculating on car doors made out of orange peels. There's a word for them, but I can't remember what it is.
|
140420
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
drawing a love scene is made more difficult by a white cat who thinks he has ink in his claws. there's no easy way to tell a cat he doesn't have a pen built into his paw.
|
140421
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one of the strangest cover songs you'll ever hear: david bowie doing james brown's "living in america".
|
140422
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock
|
bad smells in dreams still smell bad, butdo tey really or does the memory they are attached to determine the good or bad smell?
|
140422
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
prison is like high school; someone gets a new toy and everyone starts gossiping about where it came from. a shiny new wheelchair doesn't just fall out of the sky, you know.
|
140423
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Winning a poetry contest allows me to levitate for seven seconds.
Some university libraries have secret gyms behind archive-type doors, and I can get a free tour by sweet-talking the younger librarian/personal trainer. She shows me that I can jump seven feet above the ground, about the same height as the average library shelf. Cats do better, though. When you're not looking they regularly jump over shelves.
"UNWRITTEN TEXTS" means unpublished texts, though the library sign had me confused for a while. But that's nothing next to "UNWRITTET TEXTS" - which seems to mean small watercolour paintings.
|
140423
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
come the spring, the coconut you've stashed beneath the hollowed out stump of a tree will be right where you left it.
|
140424
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
In summer camp, it's easier to avoid the rain when I have no friends. I can find a bed under a canopy and sleep through the part where a camper, via a prank gone wrong, gets struck by lightning and dies.
|
140424
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
paruah (father of jehoshaphat) makes for a strange subject for a german industrial metal song.
|
140425
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
without lettuce there can be no hiss.
|
140426
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even after i've changed my ethnicity, some friends will recognize me immediately by the way i walk and talk.
|
140427
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
two women making out on top of you in bed might sound like an intriguing proposition, but when you're treated as more of a human pillow than a participant it can be kind of awkward. it's worth the discomfort, though, when your reward at the end is a magical self-refilling plate of bacon.
|
140428
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Despite having no training, I can drive a car very, very fast without hitting anything. I'll have to slow down once I get to South America, though, because giant alpacas roam the highway there, not to mention the outdoor sculpture-painting carnivals.
|
140428
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a distressed photographer always feels better after changing their gender. i don't know why, but it works every time.
|
140429
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes a relative giving you the last of their potato chips is not a kind gesture, but the kiss of death. at least it's an edible kiss of death.
|
140430
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the way to a stranger's heart is fresh bread. a little cheese doesn't hurt, either.
|
140501
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I stomp too hard in my backyard, I'll break through the floor of a basement library. It's my father's, which means he's now a rich university professor rather than a mere librarian. I'll swing on the tire swing that no longer exists and listen to him laugh at his students' writing.
He tells me that the more controversial or novel their essay ideas are, the more likely the essays themselves are trash. I doubt this, so he waves about a student paper by the female grad student he's supervising, which is about "child sex in Chaucer." When I skim it, swinging back and forth, I find a sentence like this: "With this proposal, I and child sex in Chaucer will go far." I also find that it's neither about precocious sex or pedophilia, but about children having encounters with ghosts.
I think: "I don't remember there being ghosts in Chaucer. I must have a bad memory."
|
140501
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Don't throw away your English-French dictionary when it turns into a Finnish Bible. Chances are, someone else is looking for that exact thing and will be very grateful for the gift.
|
140502
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(It did look like Finnish, too, to the non-Finnish-speaking eye: a lot of Vs, double As, and diacritical marks.)
|
140502
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a porcelain guitar that doubles as a standup sink is not as expensive as you might expect.
|
140502
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's always awkward telling a relative they're in dire need of some deodorant. the best course of action is to hint at it sideways.
|
140503
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes what calls itself a record store is just someone's house with a bunch of fragrant old furniture that's for sale.
|
140504
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When it's "LARPing day" and I get poked with a plastic sword by a bunch of neighbour kids in Lord of the Rings costumes, I should play along: before I pretend to die, I will shout "I am Theoden, son of Borodin!"
|
140504
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when assigned an essay about someone who's passed away, it doesn't matter if i never knew the person and don't have enough time to fill two pages like i'm supposed to. whatever i write will make a pretty good song when the teacher sings it to the tune of pachelbel's "cannon in d".
|
140505
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
("canon", even)
|
140505
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(That's a good mistake, a portals-to-discovery mistake! I want to hear some cannons in D... Ezra Pound's "great bass" indeed, as in nightmares_from_books...)
In related news, Terence Malick's version of A Clockwork Orange starts with fish_evolution.
|
140505
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
(the question is, how difficult would it be to master the art of lighting the cannon so it fires and sounds the D note at just the right time?)
the word "dank" can be used as an insult. as in, "don't worry about him; he's a dank." the meaning of the word as a descriptive noun is a little murky, but being a dank clearly isn't something to aspire to.
|
140506
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm a summer camp craft director again, I'll have an obsession with dyeing things purple, and I'll have to explain to a camper that you can't embed a video on a piece of poster paper.
|
140506
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
keeping track of a building that changes location and purpose every day is the best way to learn how to walk backward up a set of stairs with confidence.
|
140507
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
rabid squirrels make for skittish basement buddies.
|
140508
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes ignoring the "no guns and no umbrellas" rule will keep you dry and save your life.
|
140509
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when life becomes a movie, it's nice to have someone there to watch it with you, even if they don't have any snacks to share.
|
140510
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
old books are voyeurs. what makes them disconcerting is that their eyes are impossible to track, because they're everywhere.
|
140511
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I complain about Montreal metro stations being named after "racist bastards" I'm not talking about Lionel-Groulx but "Ezra Pound/Parc." It has a pretty nice bus shelter, though, and a reproduction of Henri Gaudier-Brzeska's portrait of his frowny face.
(What's Ezra Pound divided by Parc? Now I'm curious.)
|
140512
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone starts quoting scripture at you during the pre-food portion of an impromptu dinner party, it can be difficult to tell the difference between bible passage and shakespeare. it's all about the theatricality of the delivery.
|
140513
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Ezra Pound was also secretly bisexual and he wrote lengthy love letters to a man who might be imaginary.
|
140513
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the serendipitous discovery of unexpected pants is enough to make some people question the existence of a higher power. me, i'm just thankful to have some jeans to wear.
|
140514
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I understood wall tiles, I could solve murder mysteries.
|
140514
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
water slide soliloquies lead to surprising revelations. the longer the ride, the larger the surprise.
|
140515
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
anything can happen in an auditorium.
|
140516
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
time flies when you're cleaning a bedroom that isn't yours anymore.
|
140517
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The Statue of Liberty's arms got cut off because of Aristotle's Three Unities. Aristotle's a bit of a jerk.
|
140517
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
friends will put up with a lot of things from each other, but lying about being a barista ... that's grounds for an immediate dismissal.
|
140518
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes all a fugitive really wants is to know what they've missed on their favourite indian soap opera.
|
140520
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a diet that involves starving yourself and hallucinating food to maintain the illusion of eating. the only problem is, it causes you to age at an accelerated rate if you're an animated character.
|
140521
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you're talking to someone and they're a facebook picture at the same time they're a person, sometimes you need to click on them and make them larger so you can hear them better.
|
140522
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the way someone falls asleep on you in a car says a lot about the kind of relationship you have with them.
|
140523
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
3-D immersion video games are disturbing when they involve killing people that look real. But the reason I'll refuse to stab a naked man cowering in a bathtub is because he "isn't heavy enough."
For Christopher Hitchens, floral-patterned fabric is as bad as religion.
|
140524
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some literary agents double as private detectives, and they can trace a killer based on the freshness of half-eaten discarded chocolate bars found in public parks.
|
140524
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
or old things learned
forgotten
and then reminded
there's no safety in dreams
|
140525
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the pen truly is mightier than the anesthetic. at least it is when they're trying to give you a forced lobotomy at a mental hospital and you decide to fight back. better to die who you are than have your life taken away by people who never knew you.
|
140525
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
what happens after you survive a sprint down a perilous stone path set on a steep down-slope? you're "lovingly lithographed by an old flame". at least that's the way the dream narrator puts it.
|
140526
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can lie about superheroes during a card game, but sooner or later someone's going to figure out what's what. unless you're playing solo poker. then you're good.
|
140527
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When you think "lolic" is a Greek poetic form, the "Amazon censor" thinks it's about underage porn and tries to shut down your Internet, but only manages to switch the functions of the forward and back button. And you'd much rather read blather pages about Greek poetic forms than look at fourteen-year-olds who have bigger breasts than you do, but now you're wondering whether the forward-back reversal is a metaphor, and what it means.
|
140527
|
|
... |
|
|
TK
|
Nothing particularly surreal
Nothing like golden retrievers will only wear traditional kilts on st patrick's day. (other wise they prefer spandex pants)
But for the very first time I didn't steal.
That may not seem like a big thing, but if ever I wanted something, say I was at a store or helping someone clear out their attic and found something I felt for one reason or another I just couldn't live with out I'd steal it. Yes I'd feel incredibly guilty for doing so and yet I'd do so anyway, I always had one justification or another for doing so. Then I'd eventually wake up and be So upset that what I'd stolen hadent made it back with me. Pathetically I'd actually be kind of mopey and sad for a good 5 mins after I woke up.
But for the very first time in my dreams last night I did not steal what I wanted out of the store I was in, nore for that matter did I even feel inadequate for merely being in the store in the first place. Yea it was nice Not to hear an elevator music version of Radioheads "I'm A Creep" being piped through the speakers.
It felt so Amazingly Good to know I could actually Buy the things I wanted. To no longer feel the guilt of stealing.
I woke up smiling today =)
|
140528
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you're afraid to look at your report card, it usually means you did okay.
|
140528
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(TK, I can relate to that, or around that... I mean, I've had some weird guilt dreams, for example that I killed a baby by throwing it out of a window... and also dreams that I've found money or some object that I want, only to be disappointed when I wake up.)
Oh yes, and since it's ridiculous to take an airplane from Dorval to Laval since the distance's so short, I might as well fly there myself. After that, I decide I have to get more in shape before attempting a solo flight to Puerto Rico - it requires a lot of arm-flapping.
|
140529
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
for some reason, a bed that's far too small for you to sleep in will become much more comfortable when you sacrifice your pillow for someone else. it must be instant karma.
|
140530
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best revenge is getting monkeys with helmets that fire lethal laser beams to do your bidding.
|
140531
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Park trails are marshy with concentrated nostalgia. They lead to the past but not to Beaconsfield.
The knight Percival's superpower was giving men and women instant orgasms with the touch of his (literal) sword, but this fact was effaced from most King Arthur legends.
|
140531
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes the best way to hit it off with a potential romantic partner is to make them an accidental sandwich with too much mustard and tomato, and not enough ham.
|
140601
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's hard to teach the magnetism of pencil shavings over the Internet, even when I can replace pencil shavings with pins, because the connection keeps cutting out when I try to tell my youngest student that "mayo" is not a drug. Mayo is short for mayonnaise. But what is a mayo addict, and what does that have to do with magnetism?
|
140601
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
interesting things live on old cassette tapes. always.
|
140602
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Earthquakes in a remote cabin are fun: just cover it wall-to-wall with pillows and mattresses, invite friends over, and have a life-endangering exhilarating bouncy time.
|
140602
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if i were david duchovny i'd make a great male hair model, but if my employers asked me to let them give me a mohawk, well, that's where i'd draw the line. i can tolerate a side part, but a mohawk just isn't my style, even if i'm not myself.
|
140603
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can't show another person their sleeping doppelganger. it's something only someone who isn't them can see.
|
140604
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
getting lost in the mall isn't so bad as long as there's the feeling of salsa music in the air.
|
140605
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's against the law for my aunt to sell her collection of glass paper weights and miniature "song comics," so I try to buy them from her to resell them, but she doesn't have change for a twenty and the law makes me sad.
|
140605
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in a museum, you have the freedom to decide what the colour green means to you.
|
140606
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The fact that a cardigan my brother wears is blue and not black just might have saved blather. Still not sure why.
|
140606
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a slingshot maneuver you can use when a helicopter is stuck in a tree, but it may lead to a camouflaged squirrel attack, and that's bad news for everybody.
|
140607
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
licking sweet snow off of a manhole cover is a fine winter snack. it just hasn't caught on with the masses yet.
|
140608
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you travel backward through time to the 1960s as a middle-aged man, a rudimentary neck tuck procedure performed by a barber will turn you into lana del rey.
|
140609
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
You never know when the ice-cream shop you're working in might become a backdrop for the filming of Game of Thrones, or when angry fans will protest outside because of the unexpected death of Cersei's young daughter "Alanna, Protector of the Small."
And finding kind handwritten letters in a shoebox, seemingly written by a former poetry teacher, will prove that I am not Kim Kardashian, although I might have watched her on TV talking about what she does between 5 and 7 PM (she gets her hair washed, trimmed, and styled, of course. Every day.)
|
140609
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when the floor is red and sticky, it means someone's getting double-crossed.
|
140610
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
everyone gets a nickname when there's a war going on.
|
140611
|
|
... |
|
|
no reason
|
if you get out of your car and move a pop can on the road out of the way, your car will be able to squeeze past a truck.
|
140611
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm playing the part of an unconventional child in a fancy school, I'm shocked to find a trope reversed: I get the worst, not the best, mark on a test because of my creativity. Apparently I shouldn't answer grammar questions with superhero-style cartoons.
|
140611
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
...And the fancier a school is, the more pillars it has.
|
140611
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when it looks like saffron burrows is having a secret love affair with a female friend of mine, what she's really doing is trying to recruit me as a spy. where do spy recruitment meetings happen? the nearest greasy spoon, of course.
|
140612
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I can borrow plants from a library. When the plants I borrow are in my own front yard, I have to remember to take them out or else I'll forget to return them.
|
140612
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I leave a Skype-type program open after talking to an old school friend, I'll manage to invite a stranger to my room. Her name is Epiphriona, which sounds Greek to me. She wears twin brown braids and sits on my bed, looking at my computer. Then she looks at the tuna with parsley I'm almost finished eating on one of my orange plastic plates and tells me that she's a Muslim and not allowed to eat fish, since apparently I've also invited her for Thanksgiving. But when tells me that fish isn't good for me either, I protest: "Some fish is good for you. Or, it depends on who you are."
|
140613
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i edits
|
(when SHE tells me, I mean)
|
140613
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
writing songs in the shower is all fun and games until someone uses up all the hot water.
|
140613
|
|
... |
|
|
Toxic_Kisses
|
JUST ~now~ "woke up". still not really awake yet.
I fell in love
with a girl who wore avril lavigne amounts of eye liner (doesent her name make you think anvil ravine?) she's beautiful in an alternative indescribable kind of way. Tall, large eyes, pronounced cheekbones.
I help her record her youtube music parody / sometimes musical social cometary videos. I'm just geekyish untalented reclusive me. But that's fine, I like being the one she relies one to help her shine, I don't want to be in the spot light, I don't want to be noticed. It's more then enough to know I'm the one she calls to talk to in the middle of the night when she cant sleep, and the one she texts all her bad knock knock jokes to. I feel like I know her through and through.
I love her, but I keep such feelings to myself, she wouldn't understand, and theirs no way I could ever even hope that she c/would feel the same for someone so average as me. She deserves far better
She no longer wants to be a she.
She wishes to be a he.
Confides in me it's something she's been afraid to even so mush as whisper honestly to herself, but she can no longer lie to herself, no longer deny who she really is ment to be.
I support her/him in this decision.
My love is not about this persons gender.
Love is beyond gender
Love is genderless.
~~ REWIND ~~
Repeat all the above but make her a him and replace all the she's with he's
I'm in love with a goth guy I fell in love who wares avril lavigne amounts of eye liner (doesent her name make you think anvil ravine?) he's beautiful in a dark angry shy poet alternative indescribable kind of way. Tall, large eyes, pronounced cheekbones. Incredibly sexy hands.
I help him record his youtube music parody / sometimes musical social cometary videos. I'm just geekyish untalented reclusive me. But that's fine, I like being the one he relies one to help him shine, I don't want to be in the spot light, I don't want to be noticed. It's more then enough to know I'm the one he calls to talk to in the middle of the night when he cant sleep, and the one she texts all his bad knock knock jokes to. I feel like I know him through and through.
I love him, but I keep such feelings to myself, he's my best friend and I wouldn't dare want to fuck that up bc theirs no way I could ever even hope that he c/would feel the same for someone so average as me. He deserves far better.
He no longer wants to be a him.
He wishes to be a her.
Confides in me it's something he's been afraid to even so mush as whisper honestly to himself, but he can no longer lie to himself, no longer deny who he really is ment to be.
I support him/her in this decision.
My love is not about this persons gender.
Love is beyond gender
Love is genderless.
~~
The internet however can be so cruel.
There is so much hate, so much back lash.
As if they have the final say so as to whats "Right" and "Wrong"
I'm there through it all. The angry rages, the crying jags, the confusion. I'm there.
After a phone call of trying to stay strong, to comfort, to support. After the phone call, I brake down. I throw and brake things, I shout angrily, I slam the bathroom door behind me.
Up until now in the dream I was a rather mousy plain looking female in glasses who wore her hair in low ringlet pigtails that sat on her shoulders, one side had a purple steak in it that I always dyed. I usually wore my dads old over sized Amiga computer work shirts and tight worn and tattered jeans.
but when I look in the mirror
I'm no longer me. Instead I'm some pudgy guy who looks 15 but yet I some how know is actually nearly 20. My hair is red, short curly, my face is flush from anger.
My fuck who the hell is the person starring back at me?!? Those arnt even my eyes!!
Then I wake up.
And come to blather.
~~~~~
Hi EOI.
Yea the first bad dream I can even remember having is that I was at my grams and she had a cat made from couch pillows (the body was a long round pillow) and we had a lot of fun playing together for a while, but then I wanted to pillow fight with it so I got a pillow from grams bed and, well I guess I swung to hard, and the pillow cat flew all apart, I tried to put it back together, but it was dead. I’d killed it. I woke up crying and feeling absolutely horrible for some time. Somehow even though just a dream I’d grown quite attached to that cat.
Oh an not really directed in your direction, just to blatherskites in general:
I Don't feel like talking to ppl, don’t even want my existence acknowledged.
I know that sounds rude and no doubt more then a bit mean, truly I ~am~ sorry about that, I have no intention of hurting any ones feelings and I fully acknowledge that had I had said as much earlier that this would not be an issue so I fully accept responsibility of that.
Being a bitch can be quite fun, however I usualy don’t enjoy being one around here, not around ppl I actually like, so I apologize if that’s how I’m coming off. It’s simply that I’m just not in a place mentally or emotionally where talking to ppl is a good idea. At all.
Thus I am for the most part avoiding blather.
This dream however, it took me a bit by surprise so I wanted to write it down quickly before it got lost. Then noticing EOI had wrote, and seeing as I rather like EOI well fuck I can’t just ignore her and be rude like that. Ugh I’d just leave severely hating myself for treating EOI like that, no way could I do that to her.
So yea, I’m asking nicely, please leave me alone.
And
Thank you for putting up with me.
|
140614
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a new kind of telemarketer that shows up in your home when you're trying to relax and keeps pestering you while denying that they're trying to sell you anything. all you can do is swear at them and hope they get fed up with the abuse and go away eventually.
|
140614
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
all drummers from the past come back eventually, and they're always louder drummers than they were before.
|
140615
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(No problem - I won't bother you except to wish you well, and I hope you'll write when you feel like it again.)
I'll get kicked out of a conference for saying, after everybody rejects my serious solutions to world problems, "For peace in the Middle East, let's get the Americans to nuke Jerusalem!" - an almost word-for-word quote from my Marie character's cynical Jewish grandmother, in a story almost based on real life.
The punishment is being stuck in the basement with a group of children, and the way out of that is convincing a makeshift doll that it's Mary Poppins and can fly.
|
140616
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i still haven't found a way to get doors to stay locked when it really matters, when i'm running from someone. you kind of want a lock to behave itself when the person who's after you is a deranged police officer, but nope, not gonna happen, no way, no how.
|
140616
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's awkward having a former war criminal over for dinner, especially when they get drunk and turn into frank sinatra.
|
140617
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are animals you can watch evolve into people in a matter of minutes, but they kind of look like people to begin with, all upright and with stoic man and woman faces, making the accelerated evolutionary stages difficult to keep track of.
|
140618
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one throws a rooftop party like kenny rogers.
|
140619
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when my family doctor gets out of prison he'll have long hair, and it'll suit him better than anyone ever would have expected it to.
|
140620
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Sarah McLachlan can hypnotize people by parodying Lady Gaga - something about tuna or ant sandwiches - and it feels like falling from an upstairs balcony into a garden.
|
140620
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i can double back in time, in tiny increments, to redo or undo something i just said or did. the trick is remembering i can do it in the heat of the moment, and saying "rewind" out loud to make it happen.
|
140621
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when i become the principal at my old grade school, emancipating the place from an oppressive new regime, i'll rename myself "president fun". some of the students will take the name too literally and they'll never want to do any work again, leaving me no choice but to issue an upside_down news ticker explaining the importance of some amount of discipline and order.
|
140622
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock
|
deer antlers from the ocean make beautiful art pieces when put together with sea weed, moss, and other beach things. oceans that are like big salty lakes, calm and silty at the bottom but so crisp theough the water... if lake_superior were and ocean... beautiful. dreams_are_like_vacations sometimes. refreshing.
|
140622
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
tom_waits sings "can't find my way home" like you wouldn't believe. john hurt makes a good world-weary lawyer. and when i'm faced with the possibility of my whole world crumbling around me, the first thing i'll do is hang out at the back of a telemarketing call center where everyone is engaged in some really dispassionate seated group sex. naturally.
|
140623
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
communicating through crème brûlée means even your disagreements leave a good taste in your mouth.
|
140624
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
be careful who you ask about on the beach. you just might see them whipping past you on a jet ski, naked. and when the person in question is someone's crazed-looking grandmother, that's not an image easily forgotten.
|
140625
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
There's a book that changes depending on what words I use to fill in the blanks. But it's not simply Mad Libs, because it changes the rest of the content to fit the words I've put in. It's half The Fault in Our Stars and half Cleverbot.
|
140625
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone contrives a way to get their genitals stuck between the steps of an old, poorly built set of stairs, everyone pitches in to pry the penis loose.
|
140626
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
singing the song someone wants played at their funeral as a gesture of kindness while they're still alive is nice and all, until the people gathered start critiquing the lyrics and making changes. think twice before poking fun at a ridiculous superhero theme attached to a song that's supposed to say meaningful things about life and death by sarcastically suggesting a line be inserted about power rangers having sex with a toaster oven; there are some people who will mistake your sarcasm for enthusiasm and deem that a good idea.
|
140627
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock
|
having the toilette in the kitchen by the stoce is a pretty bad idea.
|
140627
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the parts of your body are like the keys of a piano. when a key is pressed hard enough, the piano remembers.
|
140628
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Pulling up carrots will break a basement ceiling. That's sad and all, but my priority is to replant the carrots, so I find a wooden bench and saw a hole in it.
|
140628
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some people take on the characteristics of the last person they slept with. when their partner is a deer, it means sprouting antlers and sneezing a lot. when their partner is a store mannequin, it means having to fight against mannequin paralysis.
|
140629
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you only have so much time to kiss someone after they let you know they like you before they change their mind, but the feelings behind ruby wedding rings last forever.
|
140630
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when buying_a_used_car, one must always be wary of the truth and danger.
|
140701
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If you're a man who needs to play with dolls to solve a mystery, the polite thing to do is apologize for controlling them, specifically the fact that they'll be speaking without their lips moving. Despite this ritual, Nancy Drew will die in the haunted mansion, since it was foretold in a dream she had in an earlier book... which makes me think, unsympathetically, "Yeah, it's easy to establish narrative continuity if you're continuing from a dream."
|
140702
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when your waitress is hard of hearing, you gotta pour your own mountain dew.
|
140702
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes a postcard leads to a happy reunion, and sometimes a postcard is just a postcard. as long as you keep a guitar in standard tuning, you'll be prepared either way.
|
140703
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
ingesting motor oil to fool a foe is generally not a good idea.
|
140704
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Flooded backyard adventures: tripod with a harpoon on the top can be transformed into a peaceful instrument for marking underwater rocks - not to prevent boats from crashing into them, but people wading from hurting their feet.
Jazz festival blues: neither soccer or the Bank of Montreal can neutralize gravity, and music only thinks it can.
|
140704
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's neither/nor, if I'm being picky -
and on a dream in the bus, I need to tell my friend J. I don't know how to cure AIDS before she gives me research money to do so.
|
140704
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes you need two barcodes to make one price. especially when the item you're pricing is not an item at all, but a person.
|
140705
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
tracking down a thief who's stolen a wad of money from your hotel room locker is easier than you'd think. all you need to do is ask the people at the nearest food stand if they saw a guy who seemed to have a lot more cash than he needed for a hot dog. they'll point you in the right direction. then you chase him down, corner him in an empty clothing store, and kick him in the junk until he gives you your money back. his disappointed father will kick in whatever's missing from what little spending he was able to do in the time it took you to catch up with him.
|
140706
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone thinks you're thirteen years older than you are, the only appropriate response is to find a way to incorporate a "that's what she said" joke as you're correcting them.
|
140707
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the mind of a wild animal in the body of annette bening makes for a dangerous creature, because "all it knows is it wants to eat, and you're food".
|
140708
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you ask for something purple at a kentucky fried chicken, the best you're going to get is purple cabbage on your chicken sandwich.
|
140709
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The Soviets are at it again - accessing phone books and inserting the letter Y in unexpected places. So I should know that if I keep referring to Donna Anna (a character in a Mozart opera I've never seen) as Donya Anya, people will get suspicious.
|
140709
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"images and dick horses" is not a line from the radiohead song "idioteque", but it'll do in a pinch when the proper lyrics resist being remembered.
|
140710
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
One thing I can do to show my admiration for a singer is to pull a few hairs from her lighter brown stage wig and start flossing my teeth with them.
|
140710
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some of the most beautiful ghosts have beards. that goes for lady ghosts too.
|
140711
|
|
... |
|
|
no reason
|
when we're not getting along, you will pick on things that i do, such as pronounce jay-z like jay-zed. (which in reality i don't, seriously, but the canadian-ness of that made me laugh when i woke up.)
|
140711
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in the event of an uncontrollable fire started by a table tipping over, my first instinct will be to save as many books as possible.
|
140712
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A sky full of parachutes doesn't mean war; it means "soccer baskets."
|
140712
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
interesting things are bound to happen when there's a red fender telecaster in the room.
|
140713
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
retaining the rights to amateur footage you've filmed of taylor swift is easier said than done.
|
140714
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm in one wicker basket and my 19th-century British parents with their Indian servant are in another, it's a given that we'll be hit with a hurricane. Also, that I'll worry more about what adjectives I'll use to describe the storm than the storm itself, even though I could very well die. But everything turns out okay with the obligatory scene change.
|
140714
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a high school class in which the answers to every question are third eye blind lyrics can be tricky when you only ever heard that band's radio hits.
|
140715
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you never really notice how expensive footwear can be until you need to replace a pair of rare imported sandals to save a failing friendship.
|
140716
|
|
... |
|
|
no reason
|
when you ask about job openings at a restaurant in chicago, the dude there will tell you they're looking for a dishwasher from "arts winnipeg."
"why winnipeg?" you will ask.
"we don't know, we just think it's cool," they will answer.
|
140716
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock
|
when I wake up from a cute dream about cuddling and making love to your lover, I'm still tired enough that I just roll over towards him then away again and pass back out. Then I half wake up to kisses and cuddles but still think Im dreamimg, mumble an pass out again. so it goes when life tires me out and I let the dread of going to work overpower my desire for my lover. three days off, my lover will be my work in these coming days off.
|
140716
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock
|
correction : to my lover... not your lover
|
140716
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a piano tuning leaves the hammers red and hot, like eighty eight angry oven burners, and playing the instrument before it's had the chance to cool off will lead to your piano tuner locking himself in a supply closet out of protest.
|
140717
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
In a ship, I don't have to worry, because there will always be a captain on each deck. The whining noise in my ears means that I'm hungry - it's also windy - but it's okay because it's the end of Ramadan, so I can abandon my plans to somehow get my cousin on the ship so that she can convert me to Judaism (because only a Jewish person you know well can do that.)
|
140717
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when your visible friends not only doubt the existence of your invisible friends but get mean about it, and one of your invisible friends is a woman who becomes a giant eye that gives birth to a "mortal kombat" character you have to fight, things can get a little sketchy. on the bright side, a little powder white talking pig is the cutest thing.
|
140718
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
how to tell when your neighbours aren't happy with you: they keep chanting about how they've got machine guns and they intend to come over and show you their collection (and not in a friendly "hey, look at my awesome guns!" way).
|
140719
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an elephant is not the animal you want to be riding when trying to reach the end of a forest trail that doubles as a maze. the second the elephant sees a squirrel all your instructions become pointless, because all he wants to do is chase that squirrel.
|
140720
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if a friend is upset about something but doesn't want to talk about it, you can always stroke their hair through the telephone as a gesture of support.
|
140721
|
|
... |
|
|
TK
|
It's possible to jet ski through a church during an informal social gathering.
|
140721
|
|
... |
|
|
TK
|
Bicycling was frowned upon though, I don't understand why one mode of transportation while within a church is ok while another is not. Oh and don't wave hello to the Jet skier bc his GF will get all pissy at you and Cliff will leave with previously stated GF. Well at lest someone who looks exactly like Cliff but is not actually Cliff for some unknown reason.
Guess: Alien?
Q: Did the change happen before or after Claudia brought me over to spend the night?
Also: Why are we in a church when neither of us is particularly religious? Is that a Claudia thing too? or is that a completely separate issue?
Regardless it was nice to have him in my dreams =)
|
140721
|
|
... |
|
|
TK
|
oh and lastly: So it's socially unexceptionable of me to wave to the jet skier, but perfectly ok for his GF to leave with Cliff. Yea, hypocrisy much. Damit why was that not Cliff?!?
Bla @ remembering dreams.
|
140721
|
|
... |
|
|
TK
|
I wasent upset that she left with Cliff, bc Cliff wasent really Cliff (fine by all means have at him bc it's not like that's really Cliff anyways) I was pissed bc of the the fact she got all angry at me for waving then left with Cliff. A.) I was innocent bc I dident know the Jet Skier had a GF, and B.) bc Cliff was around it wasent like that wave was meant to be flirtatious anyway (when did waving Hi become such a crime?) and C.) I think her leaving with Cliff (who was not really Cliff) outweighs a simple wave, so where does she got off being all angry?
Ugh, it's just a dream and I shouldent take it so seriously, I feel silly getting all riled up over it but damit she ticked me off.
I think I need Miss Manners to start refereeing my dreams.
|
140721
|
|
... |
|
|
TK
|
Typo
got = get
|
140721
|
|
... |
|
|
TK
|
Why did it not occur to me in the dream to save Cliff from the thing that took over his body?
|
140721
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm being chased around an abandoned stage by a cereal mascot, the best thing to do is hide under the bleachers. That way other people will come and join me, including a woman who pretends to be a heavier Rihanna and who now sings on a "classical music sitcom." (Company like this reduces the risk of murder by deranged cereal mascot.)
|
140721
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
jogging on no sleep is not a good idea, even when inhabiting the body of ellen degeneres.
|
140722
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm at an interview that takes place in a tea parlour in Upper Canada Village, and I'm wearing a white billowing skirt, I'll sit down at a table with people who are YouTube famous: Ian of Smosh and PewDiePie. To the latter I'll say,
"I know you. You're PewDiePie. You play video games on YouTube."
Grinning, "Uh huh."
"What's your real name? Jürgen?"
At that he will frown. "NO. Not Jürgen."
"It's Felix, isn't it? That's it, it's Felix."
To Ian: "I'm not even German."
|
140722
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a device that can be implanted in the brain to record everything a person sees, filming the movie of their life, like in "the_final_cut". the surgery, if you can even call it that, is quick and primitive. the implant is fed through one ear, and some sort of thread is fed through the other ear to serve as a grounding element, to cancel out hum. when you're joan rivers, hum doesn't bother you one bit. me ... well, i'm a bit of a different story.
|
140723
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a true gentleman, after beating someone to the point of unconsciousness, carries them home and makes them tea. also, i will never not be afraid of hornets. that's a built-in fear that won't leave.
|
140724
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's difficult to write an essay properly when you're a) out of practice, and b) in a noisy auditorium surrounded by giant lego sculptures.
|
140724
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
never underestimate a redheaded child with a meat cleaver.
|
140725
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
friends don't douse friends with unexpected hairspray.
|
140726
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone kills your brother in cold blood, the only way for them to make amends is to give you your own reality tv show in iceland.
|
140727
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
nothing says "you irritate me" like a fistful of sand in the ear while sunbathing.
|
140728
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A giant $20 bill is legally worth $1, at least at fast food joints.
My life path is kind of literal. When I'm walking on the wrong sidewalk, I become convinced that I should take supplementary math courses and apply to Computer Science.
|
140728
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an out_of_control train that's also a movie you're watching can be pretty transparent in revealing its villains, but you'd do well not to underestimate the way they can fill up a mall.
|
140729
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I could also teach a "Sunday School sleep clinic."
(If my next dream involves a fake career, I'll... be amused. Hm. I was planning to be angry until I realized I wasn't angry.)
|
140729
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a broken tooth is not part of a balanced breakfast.
|
140730
|
|
... |
|
|
TK
|
The guy who has the galaxy tattooed an inch above, on and below the knuckles on his hands do not make for very good kissers. but may be that had something to do with the fact he was missing a few teeth, he does however have absolutely incredible fingers ^.~
also a wolf will leave you alone as long as you stay on your side of the street
unless
your eating a yummy sandwich, to which you should throw in the opposite direction of yourself and then quickly walk away.
A mean wolf does not want to be that way it has just never learned there are alternatives.
Also it's difficult to sew when all your other dream friends are stuck learning choreography from a rally mean teacher who is mad at life and takes it out on those around him.
and lastly, when your brother gets out of prison he can turn into a dingo when ever he wants and swim especially well, but thats not particularly useful when you want to start up a screen printing company with him so neater of you have to work in construction anymore.
oh and even tho not all plants are pretty they still deserve to be loved.
|
140731
|
|
... |
|
|
TK
|
typo:
do not make for very good kissers
Should be:
does not make for a very good kisser
|
140731
|
|
... |
|
|
TK
|
oh and
rally = really
and
neater = neather
|
140731
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
whatever you do, don't ever try to yank a mole out of someone's nose. innocuous as it may seem, the mole may be the only thing holding them together.
|
140731
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the most effective way to cool off a room is not with air conditioning, but with hot coffee, poured between the blinds of its best window as if watering a plant.
|
140801
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
true mastery of the art of dancing_in_the_kitchen involves being so in tune with your partner that no one watching can tell who's leading who.
|
140802
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you know a handshake really means something when it stretches all the way across a room.
|
140803
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
give people the power to create and control their own gods, and chaos will reign supreme.
|
140804
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are worse ways of reacting to being on the run than by singing horribly depressing tom_waits songs that don't exist in the waking world. and it's probably not the best idea to joke about a paraplegic doctor to her face while she's on a blind date, telling her potential suitor she's an "orthocomedic surgeon". but if he moves his chair closer to hers after hearing that crack, you know he's a keeper.
|
140805
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you're going to give a zucchini slice a voice, it just seems natural that it should have a lisp.
|
140806
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
just because you have a gun, it doesn't mean the laws of logic and confined spaces no longer apply to the people you're carjacking. i mean, "on your knees" isn't a realistic demand to make of the person driving the car. how are they supposed to keep their eyes on the road and work the pedals if they're kneeling in front of the driver's seat?
|
140807
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a comic strip called "the man who couldn't control his erection", created through the absurd doctoring of existing photographs of adolf hitler to present him as a sex-crazed maniac given to the sudden cheerful exposing of his manhood during speeches and debates, is a strange diversion in a book that's an otherwise dictator-free work of fiction. especially when the unexplained comic goes on for about a hundred pages before the initial narrative picks up again. being seen reading such a book will lead people to believe i'm some sort of psychopath, but an autobiographical short film that takes serious liberties with one small scene from my life will vindicate me in the end.
|
140808
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's only one way to deal with swingers who decide to take over your home as their base of operations for a massive sex party: insult them over the phone while all their friends are listening on speakerphone.
|
140809
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
led zeppelin do a surprisingly good cover version of the number one single in armenia. it's a motörhead song, of course.
|
140810
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm in a musical that's reminiscent of Grease, I'll be playing the female half of the "last couple," meaning the least important couple. The last couple has the benefit of getting together with the least amount of conflict: my character's a tomboy, and his is less athletic and more of a scholar, but our differences are resolved/accepted in just a single song.
|
140810
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
chopping wood is more fun when you turn it into a game for three people called "pass the axe". but when "pass the axe" becomes "toss the axe", someone's bound to get a bad toss and lose a finger or two when they catch more head than haft.
|
140811
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a long prison term heals all animosities, even when attempted murder between inmates is involved.
|
140812
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a metal pipe isn't nearly as effective a deterrent to would-be home invaders when it becomes a broom at the moment of impact.
|
140813
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
underwater handwriting is the purest form of communication.
|
140814
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
You can cover the downtown areas of cities with tarp in the winter, when they're not being used.
|
140814
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's no undo function on a cassette player. once you've recorded over something, it's gone forever. the good old proverbial dream rewind button can help, but it's finicky about what dreams it chooses to cooperate in.
|
140815
|
|
... |
|
|
Toxic_Kisses
|
Saving West Point from total annihilation from terrorist with the help of President Obama puts a smile on my face when I wake up in the morning.
PS.
Thank you Rachel Maddow ^.^
|
140815
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you only have enough lunch meat for half a sandwich, your best bet is to go to mcdonald's for a quesadilla and some horrifying grape drink.
|
140816
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock
|
when you work in the city Godzilla battled monsters in you might have dreams about being there when it happens. In that case you'll ne super glad that youknow the guys who drive the fiant red double decker buses because they'll save you and your lover and friends seats to eacape. You'll also be glad that the bus driving friend has seen the new movie as well so that when you panic remembering that the bridge you re crossing geta rippes apart he can tell you "we have thirty minutes until that part happens, I think we can make it!"
and if tou think you missed a shift at work in a dream then jump out of bed to wonder if you still have a job, should I call in sick? shit! you'll again be relieved to remember that you do not work today, but tomorrow.
bad dreams are just there to remind us how nice relief feels when we realize it was just a dream.
|
140816
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When my friend J. suddenly has little children (the same age and gender of those of my cousin with the same name), I'll get the sense that something's different than usual, but I won't quite figure out what until the next part of the dream, where I'm an employee at Elections Canada.
Nobody's voting, so I must program computers by facing them and breathing deeply. My carbon dioxide helps them think
|
140816
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a useful alternative to saying "oh my god" to mark a moment of revelation: "oh my your name". because who really knows what god wants to be called anyway? better to keep things open-ended.
|
140817
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a man can have an operation that allows him carry a child and give birth, but there are some quirks. the child exits through a surgically appended flap of excess skin on the man's side and emerges already able to walk.
|
140818
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i missed a "to" in the first sentence. meh.
|
140818
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
vampires throw the best house parties.
|
140819
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no lead is ever safe in a tennis match, but if your dog starts coughing up dirt and you spend fifteen hundred bucks for pills and an operation there's no reason he won't live another forty five years.
|
140820
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when rare coins become characters in a role playing game, there will be no survivors.
|
140821
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Share a meal with someone, and he will inevitably demand a dessert of homemade ginger-pear-mango ice cream.
|
140821
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
confronting someone who's neglected their duties as a restaurant owner will inevitably lead to cleaning your third grade teacher's sports car while he hurls abuse at you. luckily there's a hidden basement room where all the mistreated elves hang out, and you can join them after school if you're stealthy enough.
|
140822
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i can play the saxophone, but only when it doesn't matter.
|
140823
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock
|
if a group of mean looking bikers break into your car and leave three toddlers in it while they murder their parents and drive the dead bodies away you should just let them do so and wait for the police to come accuse you of having pounds of cocaine hidden in the children... when did my brain think I needed this lesson? geez.
|
140823
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I don't have to worry about a swelling wound on my arm - eventually it'll turn into a very nice sleeve.
|
140823
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
nothing underlines the passage of time like the realization that two cousins who were still children when you last saw them are now grown men.
|
140824
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a "fortified burrito" is an actual thing. i don't know what difference, if any, there is between the taste of one of those and a regular burrito, but it sounds pretty strong.
|
140825
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can save a bicycle from its place at the bottom of a perilous swamp, but if "eye of the tiger" doesn't start blaring on the dream soundtrack at the moment of rescue, there will be no heroic ride off into the sunset. just an anticlimactic return to the shoe shop.
|
140826
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an evil plan to flood a building and drown everyone inside by turning on every shower head and leaving the water running is "not probable, but possible". it's still cause for alarm, in spite of how unlikely it is to work.
|
140827
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I've got a job interview to be a farmer at a small-town hotel with a "wisecracking atheist innkeeper," where I must take care of a cow called Bessie.
She seems cool - meaning the innkeeper, I never saw the cow - but I keep questioning who's narrating this thing. "Wisecracking atheist innkeeper," not that bad, but a cow called Bessie? Such a stereotypical cow name, my dream mind thinks.
|
140827
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can tell a lot about someone based on what their face does when they talk about certain people.
|
140828
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When a psychology-class test turns out to be based entirely upon the minutiae of someone's (William James'?) life, I'll start sobbing to the teacher that it's "too detailed," but he'll be unmoved.
|
140828
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"you say 'argentinian', i say 'argen-TINE-ian'" isn't the easiest line to insert into george and ira gershwin's "let's call the whole thing off", though it can be made to work by a singer with enough conviction.
|
140829
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When pop-up ads appear in real life, they'll say things like "Don't eat cabbage without turnips or it'll give you diarrhea" even though what I'm eating appears to be red onions.
Also, I object to being called a "strong female character" when I'm currently a triangular prism.
|
140829
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a tall raisin cookie truly is the greatest love of all.
|
140830
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
family reunions should always take place while knee-deep in the river. for some reason the water adds an extra layer of poignancy.
|
140831
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no matter what feelings a foot in a fountain stirs up, the burning question remains: "are we science?"
|
140901
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when a villain in a video game develops consciousness and starts making decisions for itself, no one can stop it — not even the programmer of the game itself.
|
140902
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I win a game of freeze tag in a country barn, a town official will give a speech praising my strategy.
|
140902
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I need to go back and write another version of my tropical-island article (based on a true story; see "writing"). I've made it into a narrative about how a long-term romance is rekindled when a couple visits an island, but at 3 AM I suddenly realize that the sentence "their penis and vagina were drawn to the island to make a new person" might be considered
a) rude for mentioning genitalia, albeit in a generic way
b) insensitive if the woman is past childbearing age, and
c) grammatically ambiguous.
I'm also speculating whether to write "Good morning" at 3 AM; I'm wondering if I can convince the people who are paying me that I get up really early, since if I get up early I must be industrious and diligent and all.
|
140903
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one should never try to hide more than two people behind an open door. anything beyond that and whoever you're spying on is bound to notice something is amiss.
|
140903
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
sometimes stores will sell perfumes that are meant to smell like specific people. the one that smells like a girl you know will be sold out (apparently it's popular) but you can still smell a bit from where the bottles were, and it smells nice.
...come to think of it, that may be the first dream i've had in which smell was the most obvious sensation.
|
140903
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a skittish animal is just a friend you haven't made yet.
|
140904
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best way to commit a song to memory is to play it on guitar in a boat that's in danger of being towed away with you inside it, naked, with guests.
|
140906
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
charismatic conspiracy theorists will do their best to bring you around to their way of thinking, until you offer to donate money to the cause. then they suddenly have no interest in talking to you anymore. the message is clear: throwing money at a conspiracy is its kryptonite.
|
140907
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
threatening to burn the ashes in someone's care doesn't carry a lot of weight when they're none too fond of the person the ashes used to be. and when you really start to think about how what's about to be burned is the end product of something already burned, it becomes more amusing than intimidating. people just don't put the work into forming really good threats anymore.
|
140908
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's embarrassing to be the clothed one when everybody else is topless.
I dread arriving late to a class with a strict, blond-haired prof - a composite of two or three real-life people - but when I blurt out the reason why I'm ten minutes late, "I forgot I had another class and I went to the library instead" - she finds it so funny that she lets me be.
|
140908
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
trying to play matchmaker for a female friend on facebook isn't necessarily the best way to go. for all you know, she's already dated the person you're trying to set her up with, it ended badly, and that's why she's chosen to shave her head and grow a beard.
|
140909
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
In a world where Marjane Satrapi writes her memoirs and stories in text format instead of comics, finishing her books is a plausible excuse for avoiding conversation.
|
140909
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if someone tries to steal your food from a restaurant patio, give 'em a fork in the hand. nothing says "don't touch my food or i'll kill you" like a good old-fashioned cutlery stabbing.
|
140910
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you don't stomp out a cigarette once you're finished with it, you might set an upside_down red couch on fire. and that's no fun for anyone.
|
140911
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
any male performer who has the audacity to play their own mother in an adult film is going to win an acting award eventually. that's just the way it goes.
|
140912
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
having everyone in town try to murder you for something you didn't do isn't so bad when you're barricaded inside your house with a good supply of beer and cocaine.
|
140913
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no matter how many times you ask, a dog isn't going to tell you why he chose to eat a yellow chocolate bar wrapper.
|
140914
|
|
... |
|
|
flux
|
kooky billionaire's mustaches are generally shaped like their middle initial.
|
140914
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
ukulele balls are fun to play with but not so easy to strum.
|
140915
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I can jump over large pieces of furniture - pianos, couches - but I can't get up the nerve to start my own radio show. Especially since it seems to involve going up to a radio producer and "buying an hour," and I don't know how to buy hours.
|
140915
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some people will write you off after they ask for your gatorade and you express concern when instead of taking a sip they use it to try and coax an insect out of their eye. excuse me for not wanting bugs in my energy drink.
|
140916
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Ariana_aria: pop music makes you younger.
|
140916
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best way to slip through the back of a store undetected when the cops are after you is to sell a bunch of your old comic books to a guy who looks like the joker before the nerve damage before briefly cuddling in the bathroom with a "south park" character. i don't know why that helps, but it does.
|
140917
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
John_Milton has breasts sometimes.
|
140917
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an old porcelain bathtub that plays the sting song "russians" (itself indebted to prokofiev's "lieutenant kijé" suite) when it overheats is best avoided in favour of the adjacent sink which exhibits no such quirks.
|
140918
|
|
... |
|
|
Toxic_Kisses
|
A plethora of cannibalistic horses do not belong inside tennis courts to be treated as if in a petting zoo.
Some how we took a wrong turn down a very hilly street and magically end up touring this while in a golf cart.
Despite the fact that there were in fact horses quite literally eating each other the ppl who were observing this seemed to be taking this in stride. Parents buying their spoiled brats cotton candy and balloons before finding an over crowded tennis court to watch horses devour one another out of hunger.
The horses did not just lye there motionless and dead eathere. There eyes were unfocused rolling in there heads, mouths frothing and entrails strewn about staining the ground as they endlessly tried to get back up while yet other horses whoes own hoofs sticky with blood continued to consume them.
Agony Confusion Fear Insanity
The emotions of the horses overwhelmingly palpable, and yet the ppl merely watched on as if this was simply just a new and for that matter mundane form of entertainment.
~~~~~~~~
What is wrong with me and my world that I would have such a horrific nightmare lastnight!?!
I dread going to sleep tonight, yea think I may stay up just a little while longer.
|
140918
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes the most surprising people will pluck the strings of your piano like a harp and make beautiful, sad sounds.
|
140919
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one cannot overdose on a water-based frozen snack.
|
140920
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one can resist the charms of individually wrapped christmas croutons.
|
140921
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
In some movie-set wild west town, a band of outlaws try to find the zeros of a quadratic function by kicking some hapless cowboy they find sitting in a barn. Mathematically, it doesn't work, but it makes an impressive cloud of smoke and I can understand their frustration.
|
140921
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone you know becomes a queen, you acknowledge their superiority by kneeling, pressing your head against something like a royal ottoman, and saying, "hail caesar." then you invite them to a replacements concert.
|
140922
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
There's a special kind of small decorative fountain from India that's decorated with wreaths of tropical flowers. It's called something like a "vishnaram" and it brings good luck to restaurants.
If a baby boy is suddenly granted the power of speech, his first word will be "asshole" and he'll delight in shouting it at everybody, which is a little embarrassing for me when I'm wheeling him around.
|
140922
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
for eleven dollars a month i can have access to a stranger's vast library of obscure music, but i can never own anything i listen to. if internet streaming is as good as i'm going to get, i'm not sure i want to spend the eleven bucks.
|
140923
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A rather obvious_lesson about being organized.
|
140923
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when denzel washington plays marvin gaye in a film, he wears a grey unicorn hat and can only speak his name. there's just one problem: he thinks he's julius erving.
|
140924
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
two people can push a car, but three people can make it fly.
|
140925
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when shunning a child you never knew you had, it's never a bad idea to walk through a glass or plastic tunnel in a place where no transparent tunnel should be.
|
140926
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
they say you're only as old as you feel. well, with dogs, that applies to size and weight. if you think you're a larger dog than you are, the universe will respond accordingly. this is how a tiny, playful bulldog can jump up and knock you over without even trying.
|
140927
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
mentioning miley cyrus and urine in the same sentence while riding a bus is a good way to start a fight.
|
140928
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If people take the moon to earth's surface for closer study, global warming will cause the moon's ice core to melt and the whole thing will dissolve into foam on the ocean.
|
140928
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Turning my brother into a puppet and pulling him around on a string will make him drown me at the earliest opportunity, and drowning means waking up.
|
140929
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
my dad isn't a big fan of mel gibson, mostly because he thinks he looks like a testicle.
|
140929
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even bulletproof villains have a weakness. their bodies aren't stone-like; that's just a ruse. they're actually gelatinous and very fragile, and what damage can't be done with a gun can be dealt out with bare hands. there's something both hilarious and a little sad about watching the lead villain's incomplete torn-off face try to crawl across the floor, pulling itself with its nose, using what it has of its mouth as a steadying agent, desperately trying to remain a relevant force in a fight that's already been lost.
|
140930
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I can sneak into a San Francisco art gallery by blending it with delegates from the "World Python Conference," all women with clipboards who make jokes about high school math. But it's outside I see a "found sculpture" - an old board with one boot on it draped with a piece toilet paper - and I'm inspired to preserve it by spray-painting it silver, sort of like the sculptor Louise Nevelson did.
|
140930
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i edits
|
(blending in, not blending it, though I guess that works too)
|
140930
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Sometimes it makes sense to write, in a job application, "I'm good at staying still and breathing."
|
141001
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
hitting a giant boulder with a hammer in the mouth of a cave is not one of the nicer things you can do to the elbow of your dominant arm, but it's a living.
|
141002
|
|
... |
|
|
Toxic_Kisses
|
My grandfather being the leader of a Boy Scouts troop invites Penn Jillette (of the magical duo Penn & Teller) to a boy scouts camping trip because they are apparently old friends. Anyway while he is there I get hypnotizes into thinking my right arm is a snake mainly I think for his personal amusement as he assumes that I am afraid of snakes, when in fact I have quite an affinity for them (so long as they’re not poisonous, and even then I wish no ill towards the ones that are poisonous I’d just like to keep a safe distance away from them) so he is rather disappointed about my affectionate reaction to the “snake” but leaves me hypnotized for the rest of the night bc he still finds is somewhat funny to watch me talk to and pet my own arm.
Odd that I was never concerned over the loss of my right arm when I’m hypnotizes, I would definitely think that at least to be rather distressing, definitely far more so then a snake, but eh since when are dreams rational? When considering his art I can’t help but wonder what Salvador Dali dreamed about though , most certainly it had to be the farthest thing from rational.
|
141002
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
cats and dogs are skilled typists when no one's around to catch them in the act.
|
141003
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are plants that challenge you to confront buried issues through the discharge of smoke, which first causes crotch itch, sudden and strong, and then shows you what you need to see as a documentary film viewed not on any screen or surface, but right before your eyes as if you're reliving it, a part of the lesson but unable to interact with it.
(i couldn't make this stuff up when i'm awake if i tried).
|
141004
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I succeed in levitating and I happen to float past my mother, she'll say, "Aren't you ever going to do any work around here?"
A "lesbian film store" has nothing to do with gay women or films. It sells teacups with witty sayings on them.
|
141004
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i'm not intimidated by a gun unless i'm sure the person holding it is certain to pull the trigger.
|
141005
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Art school: where all the students, children and adults, are given 5-7 cards and half an hour to build something impressive.
|
141006
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If you cut down a tree, sometimes a new trunk will grow in the middle of the old one. But when this recurs so often as to stretch credibility, you'll complain to your father about it.
|
141007
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an old mattress will only break your heart.
|
141008
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you give yourself over to dark forces so your daughter might live, a sorceress will fool you with beauty before showing you the ugly truth of the deal you've made.
|
141009
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"the taste of our new combinations is x y z", which is a fancy way of saying the water of the future will be an absence of taste. at least it looks pretty in cursive writing.
|
141010
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
christopher plummer doesn't approve of the need for every modern hero to have a sidekick, but if you need someone to save you when you're falling down stairs, he'll be there.
|
141011
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you find david suzuki in an ex-girlfriend's bed, maybe it's time to re-evaluate some things.
|
141012
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best way to get someone to leave you alone in a movie theatre is to bite their forearm as hard as you can. whichever arm is nearest to you will do quite nicely.
|
141013
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's an obscure bruce springsteen song called "inbred howl", and in certain circles knowing how it goes is the truest test of your credibility.
|
141014
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
People are more likely to forgive you for hitting them in the face if they discover you have concert tickets. But you can't offer them a ticket; they have to discover it themselves. It comes with one free drink, but not more than one. This is important.
At the "Disney House" in Old Montreal there are coins, loonies and toonies, on the ground. I know these won't last, but I pick them up anyway.
|
141014
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
baby vomit is surprisingly frightening when seated in a minivan.
|
141015
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
when a group of people who are about your age and dressed in normal clothes come in and say they're robbing you, you will say you have no money, which at first they won't believe, but when you recommend other, richer neighbourhoods for them to rob, they will be pleased and leave your place empty-handed. one girl will even say as she leaves, "we should go for coffee!"
|
141015
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's no need to explain what a double negative is to a cat. they already know the score.
|
141016
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some people say nothing but it still means something, oh lord in tulsa, oh great big pumpkin.
|
141017
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sixteen years is but a blink and a sneeze to a dominatrix.
|
141018
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
four people sharing one bed in an apartment can get a little uncomfortable, especially when two of those people work in a restaurant-turned-retirement-home. but when you've got a kind italian man serenading you by playing "o tannenbaum" on an out-of-tune piano in his truck of musical instruments (or, as he calls it, his "porn roller coaster"), having set up shop in the parking lot near your bedroom window to serve as the soundtrack for your early christmas day, it's hard to complain too much.
|
141019
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a shotgun-clutching hunter who's never seen a real live caterpillar before is maybe not someone you want to allow to search for his first victim on your front lawn. after all, when he finds one all he's going to do is blow it to pieces, and who wants to see a caterpillar treated that way?
|
141020
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some people won't die even after you mow them down with a machine gun, coming back as slush out of season. all you can do is stomp on them and hope they don't gather themselves into a full-blown winter.
|
141021
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I go to "music editing school," I'll discover two old profiles I made for some music site: one is very girly, a lot of pink and floral patterns; the other is gritty and grey-black, and my favourite band is listed as Gears of War (a video game).
|
141021
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
all it takes to change a suicidal cousin's entire worldview is an improvised rap song.
|
141022
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
At a party, little winged fairies are supposed to form a tableau that'll be photographed and used as a graph for an elementary-school word problem. Naturally, this makes them bored and resentful: fairies have their own agendas.
|
141023
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it may be in poor taste, but paul mccartney's present day expanded version of the mean-spirited rewritten fragment of "yesterday" john lennon improvised in the studio in the mid-70s is weirdly compelling. it goes like this:
"suddenly
i'm not half the man i used to be,
'cause now i'm an amputee.
what happened to the rest of me?
why my lower half isn't there,
i'm not aware.
why my upper parts are still working,
i don't know."
(then it segues back into the stuff about how far away his troubles used to be. it's pretty seamless.)
|
141023
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm on the deck of a cruise ship, writing on the little desk attached to the old-fashioned school chair, I'll realize that there are two kinds of love triangles: the cat/bird/dog kind and the Beautiful_Losers' narrator/Edith/F. kind.
|
141024
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(Beautiful_Losers link not working because of my possessive apostrophe. Possessiveness is dangerous in relationships.)
|
141024
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
now they've got little yellow plastic "recording studio" toys, ostensibly for children, that are more confusing than half the equipment used by professional engineers. good thing there's always a friendly stranger around to explain how these things work.
|
141024
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
running a daycare is going to wear anyone out, soup or no soup.
|
141025
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best remedy for not having any clean socks when you need them most is some unexpected homemade bread. the hot jazz soundtrack is just a bonus.
|
141026
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some doors will only lock once confronted with jerry lewis' "joker face", and he can only keep his expression frozen that way for so long. what kind of home security is that?
|
141027
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Balloons camouflage.
|
141028
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
stones arranged on a bed just so can relax a basketball star like nothing else.
|
141028
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
apparently i was a cop for thirty years, which means i joined the force when i was one year old. i don't imagine i was too adept at reading people their rights in the beginning…
|
141029
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best time to tell someone you're attracted to them is while they're eating. it's a lot harder for them to reject you right off the bat when their mouth is full of food, and you can interpret their bewildered chewing however you like.
|
141030
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
frivolous complaints are best diffused with profanity.
|
141031
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a malevolent alien masquerading as an invisible cat only reveals its true form in the cold darkness of a laundry room.
|
141101
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
for some reason, nothing bad ever happens when the door's left unlocked.
|
141102
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock
|
Bicycles grow from soil like vegetables in glass green houses and need to be taken care of carefully for a fruitful harvest.
If you climb the green house it is very difficult to get down.
|
141103
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I think that my job is to be a sex counsellor for Molly and Leopold Bloom, it's really to be a professional walker. Not a dog-walker. Just a walker.
(And Leopold can't really "go and buy condoms" in 1904 Ireland, either.)
|
141103
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's only one thing to do to combat the awkwardness that ensues when the friendliness of a physical trainer is misconstrued as something deeper than it is: eat guacamole.
|
141104
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when people become symbols, the best you can hope for is proper alignment, airborne ouija board style.
|
141105
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
lying about death causes chaos. lying about the state of a boat, on the other hand, only leads to sexual frustration.
|
141106
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
For some reason, it's really frustrating to me when I'm trying to knit something and fully-formed gloves and socks keep appearing, unannounced, from somewhere inside the yarn I've knitted so far.
|
141106
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
not every stranger watching you climb a fence wants to rob you. some of them just want to buy the old engagement ring you've got in your pocket.
|
141107
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If Salvador Dali comes back to life, he'll paint figures from the Arthurian legends, Dante Rossetti-style... also dotted with discreet but pervasive flies.
|
141107
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the last thing you want to see swimming toward you on a long bus ride is a mutant animal like a squirtle, which is a cross between a squirrel and a turtle that looks like some sort of evil half-man, half-rodent. never mind how the bus is able to drive through a body of water in the first place.
|
141108
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the blade of a knife beneath a shirt sleeve is just a stranger's way of saying they care.
|
141109
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can kill a vampire with a screwdriver, but it's not going to be easy.
|
141110
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a sword fight won with the strongest lie is but a temporary victory.
|
141112
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
beer is not for smoking.
|
141113
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when your cat returns to the wild, she's probably not coming back. all you can do is get a new cat and try to forget her, for all the good that'll do.
|
141114
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
they say a picture's worth a thousand words, but that's not always true. some are only worth a few. especially those that are given as christmas gifts but are so awful, no one in their right mind would ever want to hang them up anywhere.
|
141115
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i have magic saliva, and if it travels through a long plastic tube into a vampire's spine it can infuse their blood with superhuman powers beyond even what they already possess, being a vampire and all. but what is given through spit can be just as easily taken away by anyone able to guess the password to the crude-but-complex infusion station. note to whoever set the password: it helps if it's something more complex than "ten points".
|
141116
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I get an uneasy feeling being more than "1,000 stories" underground. I want that elevator to get right back up to the surface, especially since one of the floors is a mine shaft and I can feel and hear the distant machines.
(What took me that far underground was apparently a Google search for the parody-horror website SCP Foundation; one of their objects was real and housed in this place underground, and an elevator is totally like Google.)
|
141117
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
hornets don't care one bit about young love.
|
141117
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Census takers don't like it when I write in boxes that I'm related to Moses ("at least mythologically") but they're fine with my inventing two imaginary sisters.
|
141118
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a bloody nose and a bad cold make for a cruel combination, it's not so bad being abandoned in a hotel room when you've got a good supply of lettuce and bread to keep you company, and if a mafia associate looks like a bartender, talks like a bartender, and is serving alcohol to teenagers who aren't yet legal drinking age at a party, you'd best not tell him he isn't the bartender.
|
141118
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you can handle jay mohr's screaming blue cat (who's more white than blue, but never mind), he's the guy you want in your corner when you get caught in the rain.
|
141119
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
In one day I can go from rescuing children from falling tree branches (though getting them to climb onto a steep roof might not be the safest way to do it) to covering up for a murder (though I'm afraid the police will read my mind when they find my fingerprints on a hand towel).
I can also make a convincing case that Hitchcock's movie Psycho was based on a book by J. G. Ballard, and that American Psycho was called Psycho 2 in the UK.
|
141120
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
mediocre coffee cuts to the heart of every family disagreement, as long as there's cream.
|
141120
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I find myself unexpectedly in Nairobi, Kenya, the thing to do is wrap myself in a garland, put a star ornament on my head, and film myself walking outside and saying, "Ha, Canada! It's Christmas here and it's NOT EVEN SNOWING!"
People will laugh at me... because it's not Christmas yet. And then I remember: of course not, because I'm spending the holiday in Ghana with my parents. And the Ghanaian landscape probably looks a bit less like St. Catharines, Ontario.
|
141121
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When some pranksters make a public washroom look haunted, down to smearing fake blood on the walls, that won't bother me - it's the frog jumping out of the toilet that'll make me scream (and then think, "Wasn't there something like this in The Sound of Music?")
|
141122
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
huey lewis is a hard man to kill, but if you can fit the evidence into the zip-up pouch of a backpack after the killing's done, you're home free.
|
141123
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
disintegration_by_dream_snake
|
141124
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
things you should not do when taking part in a televised cooking competition:
- tear the seasoning from another contestant's pizza with your bare hands and use it to garnish your own pizza after intuiting that theirs has more taste than yours
- start a food fight in which the target is not another person, but the floor, ruining every dish to be judged in the process
- eat vanilla ice cream
|
141125
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A series of reversible T-shirts will eventually reveal themselves as a drawn-out pun on the lyrics of the knick-knack paddywhack song.
|
141127
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in a pile of photo albums, the best stuff is always buried at the bottom.
|
141127
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
salvaging a damaged bed frame isn't so hard. it's all about realignment and accepting the reality of a somewhat diminished radius of extra support.
|
141128
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some scrabble words are so powerful, they create an aftershock of "three residual punchlines".
|
141129
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
P.D. James wrote art criticism before she went into murder mysteries, but her first book was "eclectic and uneven"; then she wrote for a light British TV comedy where, for example, each year the family cat had kittens by a different father, which allowed for the actors to slip in innuendo that otherwise would be deemed off-limits.
I'm on this TV set. One of the kittens is pink, and if I kill a fly and a mayfly to feed to the frog outside, the oink kitten will want to eat the frog.
|
141129
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
More cats! Cats climbing trees can solve equations, provided I have a genius friend with me who can interpret their movements.
|
141130
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some car stereo volume controls have a mind of their own. and those are the ones you need to worry about.
|
141130
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when all else fails, there's pirate speak. no one can resist its charms.
|
141201
|
|
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raze
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i thought this one might hold until the new year, but it's getting really slow to blathe to because of how large it's grown … time for a sequel to the sequel, maybe. what do they call that? a triquel?
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141201
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raze
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right then.
earlier: more_things_learned_from_dreams (itself a sequel to "things learned from dreams" on blue)
then: this.
next: and_still_more_things_learned_from_dreams.
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flux
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the cousin writes:
Dreamed I came to visit and you were living in a tiny, perfectly white apartment in Queens that somehow looked out on beautiful snow-covered mountains and a bay. The neighbor out the back window had a farm with horses and goats, and you'd gotten a beat-up aluminum skiff and outboard motor from the prior tenant. I showed up and somehow got in while you were at work, and started chatting with the neighbors...there was some kind of tenant rotation scheme where the newest person got the "fancy" apartment (yours), and then slowly got downgraded as they stayed longer. The elderly woman across the hall wandered over and started rummaging through the fridge, explaining that she was storing her leftovers in there to use for crab bait. The apartment had a bathroom and also a port-a-potty, neither of which worked, so the landlord had set up a composting camp toilet in the living room. When you got home from work we took the skiff across the bay to a mine tunnel, but there was some sort of rigamarole with tying up to a bunch of other boats that were there, and I ended up staying behind to untangle all the mooring lines and hang out with the passle of gay guys complaining about mud.
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150919
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what's it to you?
who
go
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blather
from
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