frustration misstree You grin like it's a joke, while inside me, something growls, demanding satisfaction. Your fingers tease a trail across my flesh, knowing full well that I want, I need a touch much deeper, that I am desperate for release. It is in these moments that I know the rage that makes rapists brutal, makes them sieze upon the taunting denial and savage it into silence. My hands reach for your throat, seeking to latch on to some sort of power, to throw you down and thrust my frustration into you like a phallus, to fill the hole where you do not long for me, but you grip my wrists with too-easy power, turn my hands away, and grin, like it's all a joke... 010129 ... j_blue god i hate unemployment. i hate patronizing perfectionist boyfriends. i hate fuckin bullshit tech industry bullshit. fuck 010226 ... birdmad that's why i quit the tech industry and became a faceless bureaucrat. 010226 ... chanaka at my hormones. they are trying to fuck this up and almost succeeding. i didn't really mean to disconnect from him. it just kinda.....happened. one minute, msn. next minute, gone. he is just so fucking irritating sometimes. my murky rationalization frustrates me even more. but the thing that makes me ache the most is that i won't see him again until tomorrow night. ARGH! 010226 ... misstree i want to sink in teeth and rend 010227 ... silentbob i just want to scream, hello! 010906 ... arinna tells me that when i'm not good enough, i'll write. that when nobody will listen, that's when i have something to say. 010906 ... DammitJanet i've been very quiet lately and i'm not sure whether it's because i just don't have anything to say or i just can't get it together there seems to be constant motion but it's crumpled up into one big load of crap anything i think of seems to be a repeat of past and i'd hate to think i'm stuck in a circle concentrating on only one thing there's plenty of inspiration as of late but i can't grasp it and keep hold long enough to use it it's become a few weeks of frustration and it's wearing me down the need to write is overwhelming this needs to stop 030401 ... chiidi on a level you should be glad you'll never have to know 030401 ... DammitJanet it's constant and it's eating away at me this ongoing frustration that follows me where ever i go and it's with me in whatever i do it's driving me crazy i need to release it let it go i need to relax 030503 ... belly fire I can't sleep I am too far away from this place I can't relax I can't talk to anyone "Just sleep," he says. Just sleep? And close my eyes to the images of tears streaming down her face? And close my ears to the sound of the andon repeating and repeating at work? And wake feeling more tired than before? This is frustration. Frustration seemingly without end. 040115 ... nom naaaaaaarrrgggg! narg narg narg narg 040115 ... cocoon argh. goddamit do you ever listen to anything i say?! 040609 ... tilt there's nothing I can say. it's so lonely. . 070213 ... kyla I wish I had more time to die. 070213 ... cocoon Aaaaaaaaarggggh!!! I am going to be so annoyed with myself if this comes back to bite me in the ass.. Godammit, I should have paid more attention. 090708 ... unhinged i chew on the inside of my mouth because i can't chew on yours 110206 ... no reason unsolved/unexplained health matters 110207 ... no reason waiting over a month to even get an appointment to explain what's going on 110207 ... unhinged melts away to satisfaction 110209 ... epitome of incomprehensibility This will not be exciting, but auugh, I need to vent. I've been dealing with a stupid tech problem for two days. I'm a TA for a class, so students SHOULD be able to email me, but I STILL can't access my staff email address. According to the FAQ, it should have been set up automatically when I was confirmed as an employee, but I keep getting error messages when I try to log in. I emailed both the IT help desk and HR at once, so hopefully one of them will be able to fix it. But HR always takes 3 days to answer messages, and the IT department can't seem to deal with problems that have multiple steps. They treat everything as a "ticket" and they say something is "resolved" when it isn't really (I've encountered those terms, as I used to volunteer with an organization that used Zendesk for request sorting, but it's a bit alienating to see it in messages like that, imo). Also, the school uses Outlook. Fucking OUTLOOK. So the glitch could easily be with Microsoft. 220113 ... e_o_i But I get upset too easily, and it makes me either angry or anxious. The angry part makes me grouchy and I direct frustration against others who don't deserve it, and the anxiety problem makes me avoidant so I don't deal with the problem. Like earlier today, my dad asked me for a laundry basket that I'd put in my room. Simple request, right? But I stopped with my mouth open, "does not compute" style, since I had clothes still in there that I hadn't put away and I wasn't planning to do so right then. I had things to read for class. People to email. I had the tech problem I was avoiding (I tried logging on again this evening, was frustrated, sent the email). But I went upstairs and, instead of just dumping the clothes in the hamper on my bed, I put each item away. It took way more emotional energy than it should. And while I was doing so, I cast baleful looks at some other pieces of clothing still resting on the rocking chair. Christmas presents. I imagined marching downstairs and saying to Dad, "All right, here's your precious laundry basket, but you made me put my clothes away too, and that messed up my whole schedule!" Logical. And then turning to Mom and going, "Also, why did you torture me by getting me a cashmere sweater? It's just another thing to put away. Who said I wanted a cashmere sweater? I don't like expensive clothes. I didn't even want new clothes. All I wanted was the Cambridge Handbook of Historical Syntax." ... Oh yes, and I didn't say that THEN, but I effectively did just now before they went to bed. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut. I'm just making her feel bad by saying the presents weren't what I wanted. Well, they weren't (there are two other sweaters too, one some ugly velour thing with a logo on the zipper and she should know I don't like that style!) but why should it matter? ...I guess the second one's a hoodie and the third a cardigan, but isn't life easier if you call all sweater-like things sweaters instead of invoking childish-sounding or weirdly posh names? Jesus Christ. Now I'm getting annoyed at the words "hoodie" and "cardigan". You know you have an anger problem when you're mad about "sweater" not being a blanket_term. ...Maybe I'm still mad that she got David that copy of Mere_Christianity, like she can't accept him for who she is, like she has to try and change him. Except he wasn't the one who got annoyed, I was. He was a little taken aback at the perceived intent (and initially blamed my father; he's more sympathetic to my mom for some reason) but he said thanks, he'd read it in high school, but it was something he didn't mind having. But that was weeks ago? Why can't I let things go? I thought I was the type of person not to hold grudges and here I am, holding them. Let it go. The cold never bothered me anyway. 220113 ... e_o_i I get tired and start making song references. You know, to the famous ditty "All I Want for Christmas is the Cambridge Handbook of Historical Syntax." 220113 ... e_o_i tapas Sanskrit translation I'm not being an asshole about it now, though. Just an overactive set of tear ducts. 220127 ... e_o_i On the serious side, there is A Case To Be Made that the university severely, SEVERELY underestimates how much work it takes to be the only TA for a class of 65 students (hint: it ain't 80 hours a term) and even if I didn't have ADHD I'd be hard pressed to find translating time. 220127 ... epitome of incomprehensibility ...now in multilingual colours! PowerPoint of a "dream house" which is Traumhaus which makes me think of the word trauma (is a bad dream a Traumatraum, pronounced trah-ma-trawm?) and I am getting frustrated with my lack of Germysprach proficiency. Two things are Zimmers, and for the third room I have written, in the wan bloom of tiredness, "Ich bin sehr tired de Germysprach o mon dieu qu’est-ce qu’on va faire" 220921 what's it to you? who go blather from