|
|
and_still_more_things_learned_from_dreams
|
|
|
raze
|
more_things_learned_from_dreams
even_more_things_learned_from_dreams
when a friendly stick of chocolate that's gone missing is found, admiring it trumps eating it every time.
|
141201
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some vessels, when struck, leak what they think is oil but is actually some kind of granular orange substance not unlike sand. and random bar patrons have a lot more jazz knowledge than you might expect.
|
141202
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's not hard to simulate a locked door. all you do is push.
|
141203
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
they don't just serve artery-clogging fast food at burger king. they save lives too. you see, every burger king is a hospital in disguise…
|
141204
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
Going on an isolated trek across a river isn't really safe to do when it's getting dark quickly, but you'll find there's a crowded swimming pool on the other side where it's always the last day of August.
|
141204
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
always beware he or she who has the perfect disc toss.
|
141205
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
My hair grows unusually fast. People with automatic car doors disapprove.
|
141205
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when an affair between student and teacher ends badly, there's always a drug-fuelled trip to the river of dreams to get you back on track with some simple personal truths expressed in a few large pink volleyball-looking things.
|
141206
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
Q: what do you find in a tree?
A: three of everything.
|
141208
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes a wetsuit just wants to alter your gender, make you evil, and turn you blue.
|
141209
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Self-aware guitars are my conclusion to a debate on artificial intelligence with Anita_Sarkeesian.
|
141209
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
burn my face with a cigarette once, overrated drummer, shame on you, and i toss you down a flight of stairs and possibly kill you. there ain't gonna be a second time.
|
141210
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
working in a restaurant is all about knowing which plates are dirty enough to demand your attention, and which ones are clean enough to be ignored.
|
141211
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I put my hands in the air, and it causes two people to plummet to their death off an overpass. To stave off unbearable guilt, I decide that they were cartoons.
|
141211
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
don't ever take a ride in a cab that looks like a flintstones car unless you're in the mood to eat sand and vomit foul-smelling red abstract art.
|
141212
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the cure for impotence is fruit punch.
|
141213
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the surest way to someone's heart is a crude remark about their posterior. who knew?
|
141214
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
don't worry about rushing young drew barrymore when you're walking with her at night, trying to evade shadowy villains. she's got more speed than she lets on.
|
141215
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every once in a while, a friend you're upset with becomes alicia keys.
|
141216
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
My immigrant father's rags-to-riches story can be told with a series of suspension bridges.
Electric wires that hit the sun at different angles hum different notes. Glowing wires are emotionally poignant.
My mother gets upset when she throws me an engagement party and I forget to invite the man I'm supposedly engaged to. He's the Austrian philosopher of the past, and our dream reconnection consists of exactly one exchange on the comment section of a website; he says something like, "Hi! What's up? I'm doing volunteer teaching in rural Germany this year" and I think that Germany should be rich enough to pay him.
|
141217
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
IBPD stands for "interesting boring psychotic drugs". and what do interesting boring psychotic drugs do? why, they give you super powers and multiple personality disorder. at the same time.
|
141218
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
failing a test isn't so bad when it leads to unanticipated flirting through acknowledgment of your failure, with the pretty girl who graded the test writing on the front, "all your answers in section a were wrong, but i really enjoyed reading them."
|
141219
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes a female anthropomorphic frog chases after a male not because she's attracted to him, but because she thinks he's a sardine and she wants to eat him.
|
141220
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm lined up in a long line of volunteers for a week-long space flight, excited but worrying if I'll be able to sleep well in space, it'll turn out that the whole thing is an elaborate prank to promote a movie about Chris Hadfield. Not fair, Chris!
|
141220
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
i rarely remember my dreams, but i know now that you cannot pull from the root wearing asteroid mittens.
also, a chameleon never acts on impulse, unless there is a breakdancer nearby with a loud ghettoblaster.
|
141220
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when fleeing from the cops and trying to hitch a ride in rush hour traffic, always aim for the back of a pickup truck. it's more difficult for someone to refuse you when you're already technically in their vehicle.
|
141221
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in a water-based tarp race, he who tears his tarp in two to make rudimentary water skis shall be crowned the victor.
|
141223
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
tricky reflections can lead to long hugs with depressed people. and that's okay.
|
141224
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone tries to steal your coat, one effective way to dissuade them is by biting them in the face and giving them ten dollars.
|
141226
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
Minotaurs are good at finding their way through mazes, but they have no concept of doors. It's easy to escape them when you're in a house with a lot of doors you can close and open.
|
141227
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a wicker bong is a poor substitute for a saxophone.
|
141227
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i don't have an issue with dating an adult film star until she brings her work home with her and into bed while i'm also in the bed in question, and the male talent inadvertently shares some of his … uh … leavings with me, in spite of my best efforts to get out of the way at the moment of truth. then it gets a little awkward. luckily there's always some strangely formulated hippie soap around right when you need to wash a stranger's love jam off of the back of your hand.
|
141228
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
nothing says "i grudgingly accept you" like allowing someone the use of your secret, meticulously maintained in-bedroom bathroom.
|
141229
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Bad news: my molars turn to dirt when I look in the mirror. Good news: it works well for a surrealist photo shoot in which I pretend to breastfeed a Big Bird puppet.
|
141229
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
once i wrote a song called "bimeum strip", and it was horrible, but no recording of it seems to exist, and no one seems to know what "bimeum" means.
|
141230
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can't go into battle wearing shoes without socks. you just can't. it's a bad omen, and when the battle begins on a beach, one way or another you're getting sand in your shoes.
|
141231
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you should never call someone "beefaroni" in a moment of anger. it won't end well.
|
150101
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i speak in barcodes.
|
150102
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a race of eerily lifelike automatons urinating generic fuel that can be used to run just about anything seems like a great idea, until one such automaton's careless urination starts a fire in my hotel room that spreads all the way to nick cave's apartment. of course, in the event of such a fire, the thing i'll care most about saving will be my glasses — not because i need them to see (in dreams i almost seem to see better without them), but because i'd be hard pressed to find another pair i like as much as the twenty dollar frames of yore.
|
150103
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'm all about changing_channels in dreams when I find the concept of the dream's scene creepy.
In a university dorm room, there's nothing to read about except the school's founders and Syria, so I go off to the main hall and start kicking some students who are acting in a play I find corny.
|
150103
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when a comet is about to destroy the earth, all you can do is try to find a place with no walls. a beach is best.
|
150104
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you sleep on the floor while it's raining outside and the roof is leaking all over the place, eventually some sort of insect is going to crawl under the blanket with you. it doesn't mean they want to sting or bite you, though. some insects just want to make a friend or hang out where it's warm and dry.
|
150105
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I can jump over a lot of small objects, everyone's going to want to hire me.
|
150105
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an uncommon but effective video game tactic: dumping a bucket of fried chicken on the ground to distract hungry enemies.
|
150106
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when confronted with an unexpected grand piano in a fancy restaurant, one should always play an absurdly overwrought instrumental version of "silent night", regardless of the season.
|
150107
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's easy to subvert Disney cartoons: cartoons are soft, so all you have to do is to reach into the TV, take the cartoon characters out, and reshape them.
But then Lula, the chicken with human breasts who's supposed to have an infamous sex scene with an octopus, decides instead to freeze herself into crystal and decorate herself with tiny jewels. High art dies hard.
|
150107
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best way to win over someone who's not easily impressed is by doing a really great job of folding your pants.
|
150108
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
good intentions are measured in the amount of hair one leaves behind in a hairbrush.
|
150109
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I get pissed off when I'm teaching a Film Studies Class and there's no Dr. Strangelove poster. How will I be able to talk about Dr. Strangelove without a Dr. Strangelove poster, I ask you? How??
|
150109
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some math teachers are no help at all, but bonding with them is still possible, even if it has to happen while you throw yourself down the stairs citing obscure statistics.
|
150110
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes a reunion with someone who was never really a friend turns into a movie with french actors speaking surprisingly good english.
|
150111
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can't fight off a hoard of zombies with a plastic sickle.
|
150112
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
After a friend and I attend a biology lecture - that explains how fetuses develop into frogs, then shriveled-up jellyfish, before being reanimated by mucus and turning into baby humans - she'll get grossed out at me eating raw shrimp.
As long as I'm an orphan, I can happily knock over buildings.
Strangers confide in me: "Contrary to popular belief, becoming an atheist didn't hurt my sex life at all."
|
150112
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every intermission deserves a discussion about nonexistent music.
|
150113
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
playing piano on the ceiling is a recipe for back trouble.
|
150114
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i speak in broken english to be understood when i find my big black gun.
|
150115
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
uma thurman's middle fingers are flesh-covered cigarette lighters. impressive to behold, yes, but blowing out one of her finger flames will only incur the wrath of her boyfriend, jack the ripper.
|
150116
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
uncle dave is a real woman of a man — not a soft egg like the others.
|
150117
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Hologram newscasts in malls tell me that ponytails make pop singers more memorable.
|
150117
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's official: flying is like swimming. It takes practice, and you need to kick to propel yourself as well as moving your arms.
|
150118
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone tells me i talk too fast and it has a negative impact on the things i write when read in my voice, i'll take it to heart enough to remove the back cover of my book even though it looks really nice, and i'll publish it anonymously so no one will ever know i wrote it ... but not before coming up with a strange and somewhat creative insult to fire back with.
|
150118
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a life lesson is there for the learning when there are three different sources of hair to clean.
|
150119
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
all future running buddies become potential stepmothers at some point, if only for a moment.
|
150120
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
last night, i fell asleep and woke up in a dream. so i've learned that i can wake up while still asleep.
|
150120
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you eavesdrop on some interesting romantic moments on trains after faking your own death.
|
150121
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
green grapes take on added significance in times of great distress.
|
150122
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I really want to climb on a roof, but I'm distracted by more effortless activities - such as staring at myself in the mirror until I grow plastic penis fingers and a hair tiara.
|
150122
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a screaming child can also be your canine protector in the cold.
|
150123
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I go to the bus stop tired, I'll find an unfamiliar bus and all the street signs will be in languages with "curly letters" (seemingly Hebrew, Hindi, Panjabi, Tamil, and a curlier version of Inuktitut).
|
150123
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
for some people, a dog being named governor is the final straw.
|
150124
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
invisibility only works on the roof of a shed, and even then, an audience will gather, and there will be hope invested in you, or invested in what the people who've never even seen you decide you must stand for, and so the only way to sidestep the complications created by shed roof invisibility is to return to outer space, where all the trouble started.
|
150125
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
after cleaving someone in two with an axe, all i can think is, "this david cronenberg movie has disturbingly realistic special effects."
|
150126
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Orbit_ethics. People are like stars and Schopenhauer is a woman.
|
150126
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
only demon-angel satyr children who operate outside the accepted divine governing channels can selectively slow down time so lovers can uncross the stars that shadow them.
|
150127
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Electric_acoustic outdoors.
|
150127
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some broken relationships cannot be repaired even by random optimistic dollops of hand lotion.
|
150128
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you're allowed two extra bounces when playing tennis in the rain without a net.
|
150129
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's very important that a drug dealer who looks a lot like a haitian heavyweight boxer believes you when you tell him he caught you dancing in a radio station to his music because you were enjoying it, and you weren't having a laugh at his expense.
|
150130
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a promise is a promise. even indestructible robot villains can't change that.
|
150131
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
to some, a used toothbrush in a drinking fountain is as good as a business card.
|
150201
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
restaurant bathrooms can do strange things to your metabolism.
|
150202
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Holding objects out over the park fence causes them to change colours or shapes, and if you jump over it, you enter another world. That's why it's called a force field.
|
150202
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Also, swimming pools are designated homophobia-free zones, though it's kind of sad the park staff has to specify that.
|
150202
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
trying to make someone laugh about hedge trimmers when they're mourning the recent loss of a parent is maybe a little risky, but i wouldn't be me if i didn't try.
|
150203
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"reverse valentines_day" involves a lot of dancing and looks suspiciously like regular valentines_day.
|
150204
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Musically_confused_dreams: The Velvet Underground = Violent Femmes = Lana Del Rey, but not quite, because none of them sing about violently dividing things by zero. Plus, I might not be Miley Cyrus after all because my stomach doesn't hurt enough.
|
150204
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when two famous musicians and one iconic tennis player all become croutons in a salad, one must pay close attention to who's on the bottom and who's on top.
|
150205
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone's digging around under your bed and you've stashed a story there you'd rather not have them read, stuff it in your underwear drawer. 'cause no one's going in there.
|
150206
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes a shower without a towel is a metaphor for a relationship, but the meaning is lost on me.
|
150207
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
sometimes, to save people, i will need to sing disney songs. also, i remember a lot more of the words to "be prepared" than i'd realized.
|
150208
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
demons run uphill.
|
150208
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a three dollar pint is a dangerous way to chase away the taste of dessert when a restaurant becomes a shopping mall.
|
150209
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
you can use a cheap pool cue to simultaneously threaten bad dj's and eat piles of lettuce. mouthfuls of lettuce also make the threats more intimidating.
|
150209
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a blind date with someone named jeanette seems like a fine idea until you have to scramble to put on proper pants because no one thought to let you know the date was set.
|
150210
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If someone says something gross on the bus, everyone in hearing range will look like they're about to throw up, because throwing up is as automatic as laughing. But I can stop my own nausea by turning around, finding the nearest horizontal bar, and starting to do chin-ups.
|
150211
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best doo-wop demos are hard to find but worth fighting for.
|
150211
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if singing yoga isn't a real thing, it should be.
|
150213
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's okay to hang around swimming pools naked, but you can't go in without a bathing cap.
|
150213
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if tomato slices have been mistreated for long enough, they just might rise up and enslave the people who've wronged them.
|
150214
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Viau is a Montreal metro stop (as in real_life) as well as a hotel you can stay at when you can't seem to get to sleep from riding the metro.
It takes me home, too, where I have to figure out how to thaw the "frozen recycling."
|
150214
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
cake misunderstandings lead to tasty acrimony.
|
150215
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
note_to_self: fall in love on a train at your own risk.
|
150216
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are hidden images in the late paintings of albert einstein. it's all about where you're standing to view them. they're meant to be seen from above.
|
150217
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Checking out books at a university library means holding up a book and waiting for the librarian (who's Patrick_de_Belen, incidentally) to give you an identical copy. Only, he tries to give me a calculus textbook instead of "Liberal Arts 1."
|
150217
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
I had something in my pocket that enables a twinkie to float in lava, but I lost it.
|
150219
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
green-tinted glasses and an iron resolve don't count for much when the villains have unplugged everyone's twitter feeds (shown in the form of several short multi-coloured extension cords that have nothing to plug into), leaving those who would otherwise tweet for help to dangle from the roof of an ever-shifting building until death decides to happen.
|
150219
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
q: how can you be assaulted by a house?
a: walls with hands.
|
150220
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in china, a building gets made by dancers who climb it to add to it, their movements generating growth. one poor dancer can throw the whole thing off.
|
150221
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Pearls_Before_Swine is getting awfully cynical these days.
When I was young, I thought that jewelry wasn't for wearing, but for pinning to wall fixtures and furniture in avant-garde spiderweb patterns.
I never got into the Golden Key honour society, but they did send me "honour cylinders," little red spools with gold edging.
|
150221
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
matt damon likes my early work.
|
150222
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I discover one day that me and a group of people that call themselves my family are suddenly living as cannibals in the wilds of Dorval's Surrey Park, I'll be a bit upset at the cannibal part, but more upset about how all the mud and people guts have mottled our skins, making us look like racist caricatures of Africans. I'll feel better, of course, when I find an actual black person and start making_out with her.
|
150222
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Libraries attach weights to borrowed books, but they're helium weights that lift books into the sky instead of grounding them. For some reason, the long strings of multiple library books extending into the sky never get tangled, but if I let go of a book, I'm in danger of losing it. Luckily I grab the "weight" in time.
|
150222
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
smack a bully with a bloated backpack and he'll reveal hidden complexities as the world becomes a comic book.
|
150223
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes all that's left to do is become the bee gees.
|
150224
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I lean over a neighbour's fence, their angry and unusually large-jawed rabbit will latch on to my arm and sink its teeth in.
|
150224
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when under arrest for attempted acts of terrorism (or "attempting to blow stuff up downtown", which is automatically perceived as terrorism) and facing significant prison time, it helps to have a first date with someone you've been admiring from afar scheduled on the eve of your arrest. no cop, no matter how embittered they are, is going to keep you handcuffed once they learn you've got a date.
|
150225
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes, when you're robin williams and you're shaking up a high school that's been kept down too long by a cruel principal with a dark secret, you have to break a bit of glass to sniff out the truth.
|
150226
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
broken teeth won't mend themselves, but swollen gums will.
|
150227
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Taylor Swift, wearing a glittery white dress, lets me know that her breakups are worse than other people's this way: "I feel like a ripped piece of paper... devastated."
|
150228
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
if you cheer loudly and tell a breakdancer that you want to be their agent while they are breakdancing, their limbs will manifest into skin-covered organic precompressed helical slinkies and into motions previously unimagined and otherworldly breathtakingly beautiful.
|
150301
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i'm not so sure i want a swat team tidying up my house, no matter how efficient they are in their gig moonlighting as a cleaning service.
|
150301
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sam roberts is a douchebag, but calling him a douchebag will only lead to cartoon violence.
|
150302
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
gambling isn't just for people. it's also for pigs who think they're cats and have almost but not quite mastered the art of meowing.
|
150303
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
My turn for simile! If I become a philosopher, I'll have to write at some point: "Reality lies like a single fingernail clipping on the basin of a sink, ready to be washed away at any moment."
|
150303
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
beating someone on the arm until it breaks is one way to dissuade them from dating your son, but it seems a bit excessive, doesn't it?
|
150304
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in a goodreads review of a four-thousand-page-long novel written by robert fulghum, this passage is described as "classic fulghum":
"ancient electricity runs through this house, sending old heat to all the places that need heating."
|
150305
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every once in a while, when a criminal respects the person chasing them enough to want to be caught by them, they'll crash the car they're making their escape in on purpose.
|
150306
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
random snakes don't make the most thoughtful friends.
|
150307
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
in a post-apocalyptic world, there's no wait at your favorite restaurant. or wait staff.
|
150308
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
to get somewhere quickly, you only need to wish yourself there … but the wish won't come true without the right hardcover book in your hand, and if you don't have a very clear picture in your mind of the place you wish to be, you might end up in some random forest instead.
|
150309
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
To celebrate H. P. Lovecraft Day, I read an essay about his critique of organized religion and his racism, and then look at my eyes magnified mysteriously in the bathroom mirror. They're bright blue-green, arrestingly beautiful, and as I look at them I discover that inside them is the landscape of an indoor swimming pool. This is very frightening. There are some things eyes were not meant to see - themselves.
|
150309
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
now everybody has the ability to launch nuclear warheads from their cell phones, creating an understated paranoia towards anyone using one in public, although most calls are to older female relatives about key lime pie recipes.
|
150310
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
keep offering strangers flowers long enough and eventually someone's going to pull a gun.
|
150310
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you can cover an entire city street with a series of gigantic tupperware containers using only the power of your mind, you can outrun anyone.
|
150311
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there is no greater halloween costume than a christopher walken imitation.
|
150312
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a broken glass can always be replaced by a boring but valuable book.
|
150313
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the poem-as-apology approach only works when the recipient/audience is willing to listen, and when that falls flat, all that's left is to thrust a desperate finger into their ear.
|
150314
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Demonic possession is like a computer virus. Swim in the wrong lake with the wrong people, and you'll get pop-up demonic manifestations like floating black gloves covered with spiders. It's not that scary, just irritating.
|
150314
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are people out there who are so skilled with fire, they can burn off one leg of your pants in a split second without singeing a single hair on your leg.
|
150315
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
When you're already late and you go to brush your teeth and the mirror is scrawled in red lipstick "STOP DRIVING", your showerhead will cackle and the toilet will leak all over the floor.
|
150315
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no matter how strange an idea is, someone somewhere on the internet has picked it up and taken it for a jog. even if that idea is compiling a list of movie scenes in which someone has their nose licked.
|
150316
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
the rustling sound from running through the desert in a clunky grass skirt will piss off/attract all of the rattlesnakes in the area.
|
150317
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i've killed myself so many times now, both in and out of dreams, that i've done something to alter my soul, and i might never feel quite like myself again.
|
150317
|
|
... |
|
|
past
|
it is hard to rent out an apartment if everyone doesn't have their own pantry.
|
150318
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some kids just want their american parents to be fiery british thieves. is that asking too much?
|
150318
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
old men who attempt suicide via falling bicycle become beautiful women on their not-quite-deathbed.
|
150319
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when the world is ending and everyone is caught up in hysterical looting, you gotta put a band together. after all, every apocalypse needs a soundtrack.
|
150320
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a place called animalania. it's not as heavy on the creatures as you'd think, though.
|
150321
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's no soup that contains all the good in the world.
actually, that's not true. there was a borscht that fit the bill, and it was dirt cheap. but when the store that sold it realized how popular it was becoming, they stopped selling it. because who wants to make money while giving people what they want?
|
150322
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the people who want to put together a comedy-and-magic act with you tend to be the last people on earth you'd ever want to go into business with. figures.
|
150323
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
cats get smaller when they die from cars, until you wrap them in foil like a burrito. then, if you put them in your pocket, they'll claw themselves out and back to life while you're running to the vet, back to their original size.
|
150324
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
wood doesn't forget. this means that even the dog who seems determined to lick and nibble on my face isn't beyond being reached by the sweet sounds of a pedal steel guitar.
|
150324
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one way to greet someone you haven't seen in years: refuse to buy what they're selling (in this case, marijuana).
|
150325
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are times when your only shot at freedom involves abandoning the vehicle that gave you a fighting chance in the first place. even when it's an awesome shiny black thing that's stupid-fast and has a turret gun mounted on the side. but hey, before you jump out, why not toss a CD to the person in the car next to you? you_never_know. they might dig it.
|
150326
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
just because a homeless dog has a sad overdriven howl, it doesn't mean he's at death's door. maybe he just needs a drink of water.
|
150327
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
cutting class for some impromptu thanksgiving dinner in the middle of march is never a bad move.
|
150328
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i know how to speak chinese at the strangest times.
|
150329
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
croissants make good shoe insoles for a few minutes...
|
150329
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
fm synthesis isn't so tricky once you get the hang of it, but sound-shaping is a lot easier if you're in a kitchen.
|
150331
|
|
... |
|
|
past
|
when writing a paper that covers the social history of a small place over a ~100 year period remember to address the geological record or else the reviewers will reject your article. it is the anthropocene after all.
|
150331
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a hospital is no place for healing — it's where you buy your groceries.
|
150401
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
when you're riding an ox, a locked door will not open until the ox emits a blue breath.
|
150401
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
after coming back to life, my grandfather's first act will be to blast a mingus song ("II B.S.") first thing in the morning like a pre-announcement high school surprise.
|
150402
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
there's a camera that can bend light to give overhead perspective to anything shot horizontally. the effects are like taking photos from a gps satellite, or something off the set of the movie inception, but more direct and real. i don't know where i found it and i think it's the only one left, even though nobody seems to be impressed with it.
|
150402
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes a spontaneous harmonica duet leads to the loss of a finger. that's just the way it goes.
|
150403
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the bathroom of a walk-in clinic is no place for boogie-woogie piano … unless it's being played by john pinette.
|
150404
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
sometimes a former co-worker will lock you in a windowless ballroom, drug you with quinine darts and release small wolverines to eat your paralzyed body while you watch, helplessly.
|
150404
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
For some reason, I have to work the words "souvenir" and "feedback" into my vocabulary when I'm talking about art, or else no one will think I know anything.
|
150404
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's always a barbie doll falling over to add some tension when you're trying to close a door without making a sound.
|
150405
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's no reason vampires shouldn't be able to take the bus like everyone else.
|
150406
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
bad things happen in secret basement rooms that can only be accessed through kitchen cupboards, but as long as there's a metal pipe around, revenge is always within shouting distance.
|
150407
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
using a tape measure as a whisk only angers the tape measure.
|
150407
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best way to get out of paying a monumental restaurant tab: epic violence. of course.
|
150408
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
How to profit from Fifty Shades of Grey:
1. People will buy books if the book titles have colours in them.
2. One must invent totally original book titles like Lady Chatterley's Purple Plum.
3. One does not need to actually write books to sell millions of necklaces with these titles on them!
|
150408
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
magic johnson is a racist when he's giving a drunk acceptance speech, holly hunter is an oddly appropriate choice for a biographical film about judge judy, and pulled pork pumpkin pie ain't such a sight for sore eyes.
|
150409
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
reverse zombification is a real thing, but you don't want to know who's capable of pulling it off.
|
150410
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
people you've sold something to on kijiji will sometimes call you on the phone, miffed that you haven't responded to a post-sale email, and you won't even stop to wonder how they got your phone number.
|
150411
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you gotta close your eyes to shoot what you can't see.
|
150412
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
give someone a mechanical pencil and they might get the wrong idea.
|
150414
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
hearts are not like seeds; you cannot bury them and expect people or animals to sprout from the ground.
|
150415
|
|
... |
|
|
past
|
"mullet" is a euphemism first used by upper class hipster twits to disparage those who adopted their once-high fashion hair styling. no one remembers what the hair style was originally called, nor what "mullet" used to refer to.
|
150415
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
all singers become cowards in the face of crouton oatmeal.
|
150416
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
crooked mouths hide gnarled hearts, and a wipeout on a bicycle is just another meet_cute waiting to happen.
|
150417
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
a restaurant called 'The H-less Place,' which serves only menu items without the letter H anywhere in them, will be surprisingly popular.
upon waking up, i realized it would be pretty doable to have a list of H-less foods. sometimes you'd just need to find replacement words, such wraps/buns/etc. instead of sandwiches.
|
150418
|
|
... |
|
|
past
|
the long term effects of using clover for nitrate fixing is desertification from the core up.
(it's weird days when agricultural science haunts me in my sleep)
|
150419
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_I
|
A thrift store hides all their books on a bottom shelf and here's what I find: P. D. James wrote a posthumously-published history of the Israel/Palestine wars, with a particular focus on Tel Aviv. Sherman Alexie's YA novel The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian is sold out, but they've got two of his picture books. Finally, there's a Penguin Classics paperback (published circa the 1980s but apparently written decades earlier) about a love affair between two WW1 soldiers - the blurb on the back explains that, while it may sound funny to modern readers, 1910s slang included calling one's male comrades "homo," meaning man. Naturally, the main characters' straight friends say this constantly.
(And after not remembering dreams for days, my mind comes up with this oddly detailed one. Well, why not.)
|
150419
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I stay out late with my new friends making moss sculptures in an otherwise-deserted field and we get caught in a thunderstorm, we can always head to the "midnight to one thirty" store. The Chinese family that runs it will be extremely nice and will give one of my friends a free haircut.
|
150420
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
for those times when you're naked in the middle of class and not terribly embarrassed about it, but you feel a little awkward, there's always neon drawstring pants.
|
150420
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Writing tips from my mother: I can take all my stories from the short books of the Bible, like Malachi and Philemon.
|
150421
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one does not simply answer the door when inhabiting an unfamiliar house with phil collins, no matter who might be knocking.
|
150422
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a real sombreness to urinating in a random red baseball cap.
|
150423
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
all television characters become past lovers that never were, given enough distance from the demise of the shows they inhabited.
|
150424
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a different kind of epiphany some people experience while in prison, not talked about as much as religious conversions but no less real: a man who wants to change his ways will grow out his beard and thread a length of straw through it so it points down and out, and they'll care for the straw and keep it from being bent or broken, treating it as a symbol of their new life.
|
150425
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
do not perform a spontaneous-but-seemingly-choreographed musical number with your stalker. it will only encourage them, regardless of lyrical content.
|
150426
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"if i could sludge my lasagna, it would be peanut butter."
|
150427
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even evil aunts have hidden reserves of tenderness.
|
150428
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you don't want to tell someone you've been smoking their pot for years while pretending to get high, going out of your way to never inhale properly. they might not react so well.
|
150429
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can poison someone with cinnamon and saliva, but the measurements need to be exact. otherwise all that choking and drooling will be for nothing.
|
150430
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no movie character morgan freeman plays will ever die.
|
150501
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every dog's a critic when you feed them bad spaghetti.
|
150503
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Piano teachers are impossible to impress.
If I'm in the dentist's office and the young woman I overhear in the next partition is grumbling to the dentist that she barely gets out of her house, not because she's ill or depressed but because she simply doesn't like doing things, I'll immediately decide she's my perfect life partner. Particularly if she's supposed to be a colleague from my old summer camp job whom I only had platonic feelings for.
|
150504
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you can't bring a gun to a knife fight, a knife with a blade much longer than the one your opponent has will do just fine.
|
150504
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
lion tamers tell the best stories in youtube comments.
|
150505
|
|
... |
|
|
past
|
the western skies burned brightest orange.
|
150505
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
how to smoke a potato: dip it in milk and light it on fire.
|
150507
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
avoid the buffet that features microwaved tree leaves and pinky tacos.
|
150508
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
My father's tired of piggybacking me between bus stops. He says he's too old for that.
A boyfriend is useful for bringing me flowers when I have to stay in the hospital for a day after giving blood. It's also romantic to feel faint, especially for noble causes.
I'm tasked with finding the equation that will "generate a logical grammar." Finding the whole equation is impossible, but finding part of it is certain.
|
150508
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
bruce springsteen speaking in ebonics is … well, it's pretty weird. maybe not the best creative choice.
|
150509
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Immigration is a matter of standing in lines.
I'll be convinced I love someone if I read what he wrote in a pamphlet and it makes very little sense but displays an impressive command of English vocabulary, since my main barrier to falling for him is us not speaking the same language.
(Nobody speaks the same language).
|
150510
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the removal of a screw fastening your index and middle fingers together isn't as painful as you'd think it would be, but you're going to want to have a bandaid handy.
|
150510
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
the broken cereal bowls scattered across the bed are surprisingly more alarming than the huge rattlesnake eating a baby orangutan in the corner of the room.
|
150511
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
i can be a foot model even with my feet in dire need of a pedicure
|
150512
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
only someone who's experienced the pain of broken ribs can understand the pain of a broken nose.
|
150512
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'm able to reveal the woolly mammoth caterpillar as a fraud, but in doing so I open up a whole slew of questions.
(I spot the caterpillar that was trying to coax outside wriggling back into its mammoth-like fur, which makes me think: isn't it surprisingly intelligent to be able to do that? And isn't there a fleshy part to this coat, too - can its nerve endings just disconnect and reconnect again?? Will woolly mammoth caterpillars take over the world???)
|
150513
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
...that *I* was trying to coax outside, I meant
|
150513
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"that which not is is also its own self." whatever that means. apparently it was one of goethe's theorems, and it had something to do with the true intended use of powdered milk, which almost no one picked up on.
|
150514
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you knew the true length of nose hair, it would terrify you. (hint: it's taller than you are)
|
150515
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if life were like a nonexistent video game, all your enemies would immediately die of neglect the second you walked past them and stopped giving them any of your attention.
|
150516
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
all grade school sweethearts someday become inexplicable restaurant-bound clones of themselves.
|
150517
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I warn a bus driver that someone's thrown a bomb on the road, his reaction will be mostly to the effect of "Not THIS again - thankfully it's just a small one."
|
150517
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i can catch just about anyone if they fall from a great enough height.
|
150518
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a backpack is a surprisingly good shield when dealing with a knife-throwing stranger.
|
150519
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you've got a cat, you've got a friend for life. especially if you're the doctor who saved their life when they were a baby duck vomiting up anything anyone tried to feed them. also, when god doesn't like the way you're living your life, he sends you a sign. sometimes it's a black hole. sometimes it's a grey hole. but usually it's a hole. even though it's really more of a hallucinated circle than an actual hole.
|
150520
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes you find yourself selling a guitar you don't want to part with or need to sell, for no apparent reason, without really knowing you're doing it. and those are some sad times.
|
150521
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you'd be surprised how sinister an unoccupied ambulance crawling around your block in unending circles with intermittent weak moans of the siren can be.
|
150523
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
trumpet players really get around.
|
150524
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
helpful tip for fugitives: slip on a police officer's uniform without doing anything else to alter your appearance, and you're instantly unrecognizable to even your closest friends.
|
150525
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Striped bracelets that change colour are not "real magic," as I scornfully inform children, but someone older tells me they stand for the "Soviet occupation of Israel and Palestine," a bloody time in world history.
|
150525
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
There's always a writers' panel at kids' fairs in Westmount, because Westmount is literary that way.
|
150525
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a flattening of the cake needs to happen, but the world isn't ready for that yet.
|
150526
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Words go in boxes. Where else would you put them?
|
150527
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
fighting off a would-be assailant with a metal pipe when they have a gun is a no-win situation. try to knock the gun away and they'll shoot you. try to incapacitate them before they can shoot you and they'll still shoot you. take too long figuring out where to aim before taking a swing, and guess what? they'll shoot you!
|
150528
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when a massive storm hits, prescription sunglasses will perish before all else.
|
150529
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
adult sisters are easier to carry in your arms when they're twins.
|
150530
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when it comes to the NBA finals, bribes make no sense. the team that's agreed to lose pays the team that gets to win. as if winning somehow isn't enough. what kind of backwards system is that?
|
150601
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a room full of tiny guitar amplifiers is a good place to be calm, especially when none of the amps are yours.
|
150602
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
waking up to a facebook message from lily allen offering to play trumpet for you is a pretty nice surprise.
|
150603
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
anyone can play the saxophone. you just need to buy one from a department store that corresponds with your level of skill.
|
150604
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a "snot dispenser" is about as gross as it sounds. luckily there are always some dolly parton / kenny rogers allusions around the corner to purge all thoughts of such a thing.
|
150605
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Now someone's trying to bomb my imaginary family's house, because he/she is against Mexican food and age-fluid children.
And websites tell me, sternly, that there are fewer adverbs than I think there are.
|
150605
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every once in a while a concert turns into a play. it's just a thing that happens.
|
150607
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
In order to figure out your way around a hill, you need to envisage a map and imagine yourself bringing the edges of the paper together. That will form a hill in real life, and since there is a map for it, it's navigable.
|
150608
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
what you should do after stealing a balloon from someone powerful enough to have you killed with little more than the raise of an eyebrow: sneak around town with a woman in a vintage green dress. because why not?
|
150608
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's something a little unsettling about a stranger showing you his pink discharge unprovoked.
|
150609
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a spray tan isn't a good look for a foot.
|
150611
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
stalkers only really become stalkers when you're about to close the door on them. it's a little like playing a video game where an enemy only moves when your back is turned.
|
150612
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an electric fan that grows out of your leg won't keep you cool in the summer.
|
150614
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if it makes sense to make any sense, don't litter just because you're paranoid. people get stabbed that way.
|
150615
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some cats have vicious rec room uppercuts.
|
150616
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an action film is only as good as its second and fifth villains.
|
150617
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Book_work: I'm not a hooker, just a bookshelf-looker - not considered "classier," just more abstruse.
|
150617
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(Before that:) Sugary floss that hardens into chewy candy should be referred to as "glass" in promotional pamphlets. Everything's prettier with glass.
|
150617
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
nothing says "sneaky revenge" like a small poisonous hammer hidden deep within a meal of chocolate mousse and roast beef.
|
150618
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when people take time off now, it can be quantified in all sorts of different ways. for example, if you don't feel like taking a week off, you can take a volume pedal off instead. a volume pedal (or a morley volume pedal, at least) is the rough equivalent of a week anyway, so it all evens itself out.
|
150619
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when the dying wish of an estranged relative is for you to have their cowboy boots, they'll fit like they were made for you. such is the power of dying wishes.
|
150620
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
turn off all the lights in your house and a moth will go on flying toward some source of light only they can see.
|
150623
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Pistachio bread is ridiculously expensive, but I'll buy it whenever it's on sale.
|
150623
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
a laughing bear doesn't make a good lifeguard, and will get fired, and won't be laughing anymore.
|
150624
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
i need to contact chula
|
150624
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
most people are pretty terrifying when they become octopi.
|
150625
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I'm babysitting a little girl and she crawls into a cupboard and transforms into a wooden hairless doll, my main concern will be replicating her original hair colour with thread - yellow is too light, she complains, and brown is too dark.
|
150625
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's difficult to forgive nicolas cage when he brazenly interrupts a conversation with your favourite lamb baby jerry just before he wanders off, turns into an egg, and breaks. of all the ways for a lamb named baby jerry to go, the whole "tragic egg death" ending is hardest to take, especially when you feel you could have prevented it IF NOT FOR NICOLAS STINKING CAGE.
|
150626
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I'm dropped from a plane into the middle of a forest, I'll know I'm in Europe because "some of the plants are the same but some of the plants are different."
|
150626
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when tied for third place in an ass-sliding race, it's only polite to get into a self-effacing argument with the person you're tied with in which each of you offers to defer to the other.
|
150627
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
be careful what you record over on an old cassette tape. you just might be wiping out a good song about taylor swift.
|
150628
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
insects carry hypertension.
|
150629
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can't get to part two of a two-part series before you've experienced part one. but if you choose to skip straight to the sequel, you're gonna have to be rodney dangerfield telling bad jokes about swimming pools in a record store.
|
150630
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I get drunk on whiskey mixed with 7-Up, I'll start drawing plans for a publishing company. (This involves drawing sloppy rectangles and enlisting the help of more sober friends to come up with book titles.)
|
150630
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one cannot demonstrate barbara streisand's gift for performing amusing pratfalls with just two silver coins.
|
150701
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some spiders live for more than a hundred years, or so the ceiling tells me.
|
150702
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the sting of the blue dragonfly isn't the most pleasant thing to experience, but at least it won't swell up and look like zucchini.
|
150703
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's hard to play soccer when the ball turns into a hill-shaped plastic prop, but that's what I get for playing in a gym that's also a stage.
|
150703
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
a very jolly chevy chase works for NASA now and shockingly discovers the moon's core to be filled with cold gravy.
|
150704
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are worse ways to spend your final moments at the dinner table before a terrorist blows you up than eating some delicious pickles he was kind enough to prepare.
|
150704
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"healthy eating" is a can of coke and a donut.
|
150705
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in another life, i'd take a good look at my grandmother at the beach.
|
150706
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
eddie money songs were made for quiet cafes.
|
150707
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no matter where you are, all helpful numbers begin with a local area code.
|
150708
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If my parents take me on an American road trip against my will, my only complaint will be that I need more clothes, and then I'll be faced with the burning question: Are there Value Village stores in the States?
|
150708
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(Yes. There are. Thank you, Google... I just didn't know if it was an obvious thing, like "Are there Walmarts in the States?" - or, on the other side, "Are there Canadian Tires in the States?")
|
150708
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
biting a stranger's hand is always a useful way of dissuading them from following you home. also, i'm batman, but i'm never in costume. that's why no one knows i'm batman.
|
150709
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you wouldn't imagine the trouble a missing suitcase can cause when all that's inside is a pair of socks and some other clothes in need of washing.
|
150710
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sarah_slean gives good advice.
|
150711
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when paul simon falls asleep on james taylor's lap, you know you're at the right house party.
|
150712
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when your life is on the line and magic and impromptu real-life music videos are involved, you want the backstreet boys on your side.
|
150714
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
lend your most comfortable pair of shoes to a friend in a moment of misguided kindness, and if they happen to fit you're probably not going to see them again.
|
150716
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
take care not to leave your genitalia flapping around aimlessly when you're being filmed. an unintentional penis cameo could come back to haunt you.
|
150717
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
speaking of unintentional penis cameos, maybe lebron lost the playoffs cause hes in a movie with amy schumer
|
150717
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
haha!
|
150717
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every time you need to give someone a good whack with a baseball bat, wool gloves have to show up to mess with your grip strength, and they'll keep finding their way back onto your hands, no matter how many times you remove them.
|
150718
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the last person you expect to help will be there with makeup when you give yourself an embarrassing black eye.
|
150718
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
parental instincts always kick in too late when there's fast food involved.
|
150720
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a swimming pool is not a chatroom, but if it were, you'd write your messages on the floor of the shallow end.
|
150721
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
value your pillows, because someday some stranger might just grab your favourite one and decide it's their pillow, and you'll never see it again.
|
150722
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
ray charles doesn't care what you're having for a midnight snack, as long as it's got alcohol in it.
|
150723
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I can change the plot of James Joyce's Ulysses for my play adaptation, but there are certain rules. I can add a romantic subplot, plus fight scene between the two women vying for Leopold Bloom's attention, but because of the no-serious-violence rule, it has to be a stylized duel with tinfoil swords.
|
150723
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
mind the milk when you're being cared for in some sort of secret hospital suite. if the nurse looks like she's trying to poison you, she probably is.
|
150725
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the most thoughtful strangers won't give you loose change when you're in need. they'll give you an unopened can of pudding.
|
150726
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
elmo is very concerned about his balls being cold.
(they're metal balls. get your mind out of the gutter.)
|
150727
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
dental floss can't cover the parts of your vision you've lost.
|
150728
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
rub the pads of a cat's feet and they'll enter a euphoric state.
|
150729
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"do they know it's christmas?" takes on a bit of a different feeling after serving as the soundtrack for a hotel murder while you hide in a locked bathroom.
|
150730
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
crashing a dance party in brazen violation of the strict dress code is always an awkward time, unless you're young john travolta. in that case, you can get away with anything.
|
150731
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
outsmarting a train heading straight for you with almost no room to move is easier than placing a successful 911 call.
|
150801
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
what we think is the present is really the past. if we were really living in the present moment, we'd all be swimming through a flooded world.
|
150803
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one has any idea what to cook when e.t. comes over for dinner.
|
150805
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Lack of self-confidence causes my teeth to fall out, but if I'm haunted by a disembodied ghost-face, I'll try to kiss it.
|
150806
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i like greg kinnear as much as the next guy, but i'm just not committed to filming his new television show when the set is a stranger's living room.
|
150810
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
i dreamt last night that i met up with a friend i haven't seen in years. it was a nice, long dream, and it weirdly felt normal (which is abnormal for my dreams), like how a catch-up session between us would typically go. except when he said he was getting into some new hobbies, and wanting to try out cutter.
i looked up 'cutter' when i woke up, and i learned that he's either wanting to try out an IPA, a boat, or insect repellent. i kind of hope dream-him meant insect repellent as a hobby.
|
150810
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the answer to the question "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just put off by my creepy pervishness?" is always "yes, it's a gun, and i'm going to shoot you with it now."
|
150811
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I get so skinny that my ribs are sticking out, I just need to dress as an artsy burlesque dancer and I'll grow curvier breasts, belly, and hips.
My brother doesn't like it that the university he's going to makes him pee in a white plastic barrel full of onions in order to register him.
|
150811
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a song called "the time", sung by adam sander and cuba gooding jr. while they share a cab, and it's better than you'd think.
|
150812
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Recreating Heidi means sitting in the pool of a hot spring drinking water out of tulips with a group of strangers, including a tall blonde woman who is the Immortal_Beloved (she just is).
The adults have glasses instead of tulips and I'm not sure if I'm an adult or not.
Next, it's all about climbing the Alps with a group of adventurers, then coming back and trying to convince your father that you hiked around the border of Switzerland in just one day.
|
150813
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
andre the giant could have been anything with the right support system behind him. even a furniture mover.
|
150813
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
today in "things you should never say to someone who's driven you to the bank after they ask if you think they're god":
"there isn't a word strong enough for how far away from god you are."
|
150815
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a cat only gives another cat an early christmas present for one reason: as a gesture of grudging acceptance.
|
150816
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
according to the "going back in time turns us all into the spitting image of random celebrities" rule, my dad = john cusack. i'm not sure who i look like.
|
150817
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes drums and electric guitar are "contrived". and those are sad times for musical instruments.
|
150818
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
once the bullet gets in your head, it's there to stay. it's got nothing to do with guns or being shot, though. it's a bullet. in your head. for no reason.
|
150819
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
leave it to me to say "shit" in front of the kids when i'm an irish recovering alcoholic.
|
150820
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
leave a hotel room door open long enough, and the essence of michael bolton just might wander in.
|
150821
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
It's okay to drive a car through the hall of a building when you're in Ottawa and it's the National Architecture Museum. Architecture museums have enough space for that sort of thing.
Also, when I'm leading an architecture tour, one of the adults will get upset that an ice castle I show them is only for children, since she really wants to "crawl through a small door like it's a beaver dam."
|
150821
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(Unwittingly gay lingo today, if beavers as well as cats are vaginas, and why the long moniker? Mysteries abound.)
|
150821
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you know you're in a dream when the drummer from metallica makes more sense than even the first openly gay president (played by rovert duvall).
|
150822
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
that would be robert. robert duvall. not sure how a runaway v found its way in there.
|
150822
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
music is a universal language. even in a mall parking lot, a well-known song can bring people from vastly different cultures together. but why does it have to be an avicii song?
|
150823
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's not wise to mess around with an unfamiliar television. what you think is the power button might be something else altogether.
|
150824
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when a photographer asks if you and your friend want to be a part of what you all know will become an iconic image, they're just being polite, and a little condescending. you're not going to be in the picture, no matter how hard you lean on the ladder supporting the main subject.
|
150825
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
walking with a stranger = instant anxiety cure.
|
150826
|
|
... |
|
|
tilt
|
Nothing again. Depression robs me of even the ability to cry.
|
150827
|
|
... |
|
|
tilt
|
sorry wrong blathe stupid crumbling cave. can't even blather properly.
|
150827
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
bass thieves all look alike and have similar names.
|
150827
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you're trying to impress someone after a one_night_stand by staging a scene where they walk in on you listening to poetry on tape and you feign surprise and embarrassment, to show off your supposed sensitive side, you might want to listen to some poems being read by a human voice and not a computerized stephen hawking-sounding voice. it's a little more effective that way.
|
150828
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone who knows even less about what you don't know much about than you do tries to discredit you, it's not going to play out in a way that favours them, even if they do get an hour on live tv to your paltry half hour.
|
150829
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
Malala Yousafzai only responds to tweets or texts, but she's only too happy to work with me in a hospital for Syrian refugees provided I bring along a former student who's also Muslim. I have to edit the posts he writes about the hospital, though. He still has his old habit of overusing adjectives.
|
150829
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
On the flip side, if I join Facebook, I'll be banned from my high school reunion after joking about my classmate who got into a vehicle accident that killed two people: "Guess I can't say to ------ 'what about the baby ducks,' eh?"
I need to use my powers for good and not evil. Luckily I can also be a miner, but all I dig up is parking garages, and who needs more of those?
|
150829
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Canadian TV is doing a version of Toddlers and Tiaras called "Pretty Dresses." It's marketed to kids, so it's less sleazy in that sense, but it also has loads more product placement.
|
150831
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you're injured, stranded in the wilderness, and a bear smells you and begins approaching, hide yourself beneath a red short-sleeved shirt and surround your body with pieces of steak. the bear will assume what it smelled was the steak, ignoring the person-shaped lump beneath the shirt. works every time.
|
150831
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
any shampoo that costs fifty five bucks a bottle must be something pretty special.
|
150901
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when a low-hanging power line collapses and shatters a restaurant window, it may have an impact on the freshness of your dessert.
|
150902
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
people you don't know are always saying hello to you in chatrooms when you're not even there.
|
150903
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
similar to spiderman, i can emit honey and chunks of beeswax from my wrists and decide to test this ability on all the clean vehicles leaving a car wash for charity.
|
150904
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's not a changed world. it's a world that's alive. it's a strange world. (so said a disembodied alternate universe hillary clinton, anyway)
|
150904
|
|
... |
|
|
past
|
the true reason why i'm not good with pop culture is that we didn't get a tv until i was in high school.
|
150905
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock
|
I cannot take my lover for granted, I cannot waste moments or affections (or the opportunity for affections?) I cannot neglect my self either. I was so lost without him in the dream. Everything hurt... thoughts, words, foods, coffee, grass, flowers... I saw him and us in allove it... in the dream he had died and I was alone. I was trying to keep living and loving but without him, it didn't feel worth while. I realized how very much I love him, more than just the love really, I don't have words for it. I realized too how alone I would be, how dependant on being in a partnership I am... I have never really been truly alone. I don't want to be. I barely stayed alive in the dream, I lost my mind, I saw his ghost, the ghost tried to stay but sadly and reluctantly faded away. I tried to go to work and could not function, tried to eat but vomited, tried to move and fell... I woke up crying and searching for his hand to hold. Luckily he was there, breathing asleep beside me.
|
150905
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I can't have sex with a sleazy school administration official. He just unbuttons his shirt and then falls asleep. Sleazy school administration officials are such teases.
I try to find a better way of bribing him, but he already has various kinds of chocolate stashed in his desk drawer; what else can he need?
|
150905
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you're going to drive out of town to get takeout for someone who can't even figure out where they're going to meet you so you can give them their food, the least you can do is buy something called "macho nachos" for yourself, for the ride home.
|
150907
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when all else fails, blame it on a swing set.
|
150908
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you don't want to see what happens when bees become birds. trust me.
|
150909
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I think I'm directing a play, it's actually a LinkedIn_Park concert (a cross-reference if there ever was one).
|
150909
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
skinny beds were not made to be occupied by three people, unless one of those people is an insomniac robot.
|
150910
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it might seem like a good idea at the time, but axe body spray is NOT a good lubricant.
|
150911
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Sidney Poitier will shake my hand if I meet him at a conference, but he'll mumble because he's hungry and waiting for birthday cake.
|
150912
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you're a teenage girl, and bono is your father, and you've hurt him deeply by breaking every glass sculpture he ever gave you out of love, and he's turned to the bottle, and you're expecting a friend from school, and dad is prone in his drunkenness to pointing a gun at the door every time someone knocks, you might want to bend the firing pin. just in case.
|
150913
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one does not simply drop in on inner city poetry reading/drug dealing parties, unless one wants to become a reluctant mentor to a stubborn shit-disturber.
|
150915
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
spaghetti square stilts are never not funny.
|
150916
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you come upon someone from your past in such a state of inebriation that they've become two legless pieces of human bread incapable of getting around, all you can do is call them a cab and hope for the best.
|
150918
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a new umbrella is always a good thing. especially when it's beige.
|
150919
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Sometimes I turn around and realize that my running pants have writing scrawled on the butt - specifically, the names of my high-school crushes. That's always embarrassing.
I can't be in a running-for-charity group anyway because I'm a poet, and the "poetry group" already has the maximum number of people.
|
150920
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
wind is not always an ally.
|
150920
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
everyone can benefit from the teachings of a dominatrix life coach.
|
150921
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you should feel bad when someone almost drowns because of you, but not so bad that you crawl away weeping and hide out in some abandoned theme park. there's a system to these things.
|
150922
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
falling asleep while hugging someone in a standing position is easier than you might think.
|
150923
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
life ain't so simple when i'm ice cube (not an ice cube, but THE ice cube … he of N.W.A. fame).
|
150924
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
my driver's license photo is sean connery's james bond, but sex: F and my address is just "caesar salad". so confused.
|
150925
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
al pacino and christopher walken? not friends. not friends at all. but when sly stone is having his bob_dylan moment, it doesn't really matter.
|
150925
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you'll never get the recognition you deserve when your coloured pencil is an esoteric shade with a name that's dirty.
|
150927
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The laziest and best way to travel: lay down in the whitish-yellow side-of-the-road sand between a river and a country highway, and let the sand pull you along as if it's a conveyor belt.
|
150927
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The Hunger Games isn't suited to a gymnasium. It's better as an outdoor game.
|
150928
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
using a defibrillator on someone whose heart is working just fine is a recipe for some pretty strange facial expressions.
|
150928
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you don't need two eyes to drive up a steep wet slope of a road. one will do just fine.
|
150929
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
stranded in a toronto where everyone speaks french, you're always wearing bulky gloves when you need your hands to be precise, and no telephone will cooperate with you? find a nice french girl and talk to her in halting broken half-remembered french about indiana jones. it worked for me.
|
150930
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's not a great idea to give a gift of a gold chain to an estranged friend. they might get the wrong idea and take it as a sign from the junior tennis gods.
|
151001
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Being locked in an easily-escapable room by the delusional husband of a woman offering a bracelet-making workshop isn't the same as being kidnapped, but when someone called "Jenn" accuses me of following her on Twitter only because she'd been kidnapped in the past, my response is, "See, I've been kidnapped too."
|
151001
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
And the "sideways glitter woman meme" is Twitter's plan to bring down Facebook.
|
151001
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
oddly enough, the most effective way to take a polaroid picture is NOT by closing your thumb on air and expecting the gesture to somehow cause an untouched button to depress.
|
151002
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Stephen Harper is taking away adult diapers from Canadians who need them... and mailing bags of them to me, just to embarrass me. STEPHEN HARPER, JUST STOP IT.
|
151003
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
just because a bootleg vinyl record costs a hundred and fifty bucks doesn't mean it's going to be good. it could just be two minutes of music and then a dude talking about pavement for an hour with a bewildered interviewer.
|
151005
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you want revenge against a careless police officer who scoffed at you and refused to help when it was clear to everyone you were being terrorized by a psychotic bully who was breaking every law in the book, the time to strike is when she's a vulnerable flower protected by two layers of plexiglass. also, when trying to evade the authorities during the post-revenge investigation, when your plan is to disguise yourself as a well-liked tenant of the hotel you've been living in, it's a good idea to put at least some effort into learning how to do a decent imitation of their voice. otherwise, when you and the person you're pretending to be are both in the same place at the same time and your outlandish wig gives you away, you're kind of screwed.
|
151006
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the strangest people will want to masturbate while listening to you sing.
|
151007
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Heaven is the King Arthur legend of Excalibur, except that a group of people have to stand in a circle around the sword and all lift it out of the stone together.
Heaven is nice, but kind of cheesy, so it's better to stay on Earth for now and construct giant spiderwebs in cottages.
|
151007
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
any revolution that includes an iggy pop concert on a mountaintop is okay by me.
|
151008
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'll ditch my plans to go to Ryerson University in Toronto for an academic conference when I overhear three guys on the bus (all with rather pretty mops of reddish-blond hair) planning to disrupt the conference with annoying questions. The next stop, wherever it is, leads to a concert-poetry-comedy show hosted by David McGimpsey and featuring "idol pop L," so that's fine by me.
|
151008
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the sound of fake gunfire counts as genuine applause when you're dancing a passionate tango of celebration with benjamin bratt.
|
151010
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
conan o'brien is a surprisingly tasteful lead guitarist when sitting in with the allman brothers band. most impressive is the total absence of goofy guitar faces during solos.
|
151011
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you need proof of the existence of a higher power, look no further than the dolphin. evolution alone could not have created such a remarkable creature.
|
151012
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you need to make a quick escape and there's no time to put your shoes on, the best place to hide out is the back of an abandoned school. seems like there's always one of those around when you need it most.
|
151013
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Restaurants with three floors close the first two floors first. On the bottom level, the place may look abandoned, but if I just climb up the side of the building, I'll reach a top floor buzzing with the chatter of late-night diners.
|
151013
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
anticipation does some really strange things to dreams. or it does to mine, at least. when i'm waiting for something and looking forward to it a lot, my brain will come up with all sorts of different ways for it to go wrong, or for it to turn out … not quite the way i'm expecting.
|
151015
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
arctic magnesium is a popular color of suburban house paint in the near future.
|
151016
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's an odd feeling when you tell a friend you're attracted to their ex-girlfriend, and instead of having an issue with it, they approve, and with genuine excitement they tell you: "*i* would date you! you *deserve* to be next in line!"
|
151016
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Also about restaurants: there's a pervasive myth that you have to pay for breakfast with a different kind of money than you use for other meals, but it's just not true.
|
151016
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when my grandfather comes back to life and is somewhat hard of hearing, i will contemplate eating a tomato as if it were a plum.
|
151018
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can pack your bathtub full of leaves, but that won't replace a missing shower head.
well, actually, it will. but you should probably expect to smell like leaves no matter how well you wash.
|
151019
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
my brain echoes events of the day
my cell phone completely dies on my way home from work.
i have a rare dream about trying to meet my brother at an outdoor event of some kind, a festival concert type thing, and have all these missed messages from him as he taps me on the shoulder
|
151019
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Just because people are talking to you, it doesn't mean that they're not actually dead. They can be dead in one place and alive in another.
|
151019
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the person who can link up psyches and share a dream with you is the last one you'd ever expect to have that ability.
|
151020
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
tightly hugging a fully inflated beach ball is a good way to traverse alongside a black hole without getting sucked in; a beach ball astronaut moves very slow but has a unique type of gravity.
|
151020
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Having an itchy red toe is a sure sign of pneumonia.
|
151021
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the first place they'll look for you when you're an escaped prisoner is the crummiest bar or restaurant where there's still a lot of clarity to the sound of a saxophone. you either want a really murky-sounding place they'll never think to check, or you want to chance upon a random band rehearsing in a stairwell so you can set the guitarist's hands on fire.
|
151022
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
pickled carrots not only communicate telepathically but a high percentage of them have dreams of having a career as an orchestra conductor.
|
151022
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
writing your phone number on a red towel isn't so tricky. getting an email address to be legible is the tough part.
|
151023
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you never know who's going to show up to distract you from potential bathroom-related unpleasantness with sponge cake.
|
151024
|
|
... |
|
|
amy in red
|
"I've never been to Paris. Or London. Or Rome. ". is a stable dreamthought. These places have histories and populations and unassailable buildings. "I forgot my passport." is not - it sends the dream into a goosechase and derail Somehow it was made inevitable by the first assertion.
|
151025
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When a small airplane spins out of control and sinks into the ocean, I just have to step back a bit so that it's small from my perspective and then I can scoop it out of the water with one hand.
|
151025
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a guitar amplifier that's also a brown leather truck will come with free goodies, like strange little bobble head baby figurines.
|
151026
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
ordering the last episode of a television show that ended years ago as a pay-per-view event in a store while several people stand around watching and waiting with nervous anticipation is … not an easy thing to do. but it can be done.
|
151027
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
on a spaceship, racist-sounding chants can save your life, if you know how to use them.
|
151029
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A bad drug trip can be caught by watching other drugged people, and then you hallucinate people making bacon and eggs at 6 AM. It's frightening.
|
151029
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
random jazz drum grooves at catholic grade schools are always a good time.
|
151031
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
siblings who suddenly become teenagers with intensely-styled hair are weird, man.
|
151102
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's always a way to counteract a witch's silencing spell, as long as you've got paper, a black sharpie, and the means to write the letters of the alphabet one at a time.
|
151103
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
once a cat mistakes a big bowl of tempura batter for a big bowl of milk, he has no choice but to leap into it. then he is compelled to find his way into the fryer. it's like a form of hypnosis. he has to be taken to the bathtub and rinsed off immediately to break the spell.
|
151103
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"catch and release" is not specific to fishing. it's also a thing you do when you find a butterfly in your living room.
|
151104
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Before feminism happened in the early 2000s, there were only three types of designs on little girls' schoolbags:
1) crows or ravens
2) princesses casting magic spells by throwing glitter
3) princesses pouting about being princesses
Now there are more options, but those are still the main three.
|
151104
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the handshake test never fails, on any plane of consciousness.
|
151106
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"what if my heart bleeds out and i set the vodka on fire?" is one of those questions that has no immediate answer.
|
151107
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I shouldn't read poetry by poets I've actually met: that's cheating.
|
151109
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can chase small dogs away with a broom, but there's no way of knowing where vents that double as doorways will lead you.
|
151109
|
|
... |
|
|
paste!
|
you can go into the restaurant's kitchen and make one NOT two free appetizers, otherwise the executive chef will you text you things with LOTS of asterisks.
|
151109
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
how to fail a test without giving a single wrong answer: insist to a teacher who doesn't believe that god created steel walls.
|
151110
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when i'm a young girl sleeping in the wild, trying to evade my evil captors, random_acts_of_senseless_kindness will come from the most unexpected places.
|
151111
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
In this season, all drawings of the outdoors should feature snowmen, even if it isn't snowing.
Trying to endear oneself to a roomful of math students by saying, "I like cylinders, but I don't remember the formula for them," doesn't work. You should say "I like cylinders" and stop there.
|
151111
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
my back now lives in a ticklish-free zone.
|
151112
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you don't want a perturbed high school teacher to give you bird cleanup duty. it's not a good time.
|
151114
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
my teenage niece looked right at me and said 'an invectored curve always contains a vectored curve'
uuuuhhhh
riiiight
|
151115
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if i watch over you while you sleep, i'll spend most of my time plucking strands of hair from your face that don't belong to you.
|
151115
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some sex talk doubles as morse code for more intimate confessions like, "i eat donuts six times a day."
|
151116
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can never have too many variations of power cord in one place.
|
151117
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when your marriage of twenty-something years comes to an abrupt and very public end and leaves you with an empty refrigerator, the obvious response is to lead a roomful of strangers in a group singalong of "the first noël".
|
151118
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
high school can be tough for the budding dominatrix. just stay who you are, and if female bullies try to get you down, show your defiance by drawing on the face of their leader with a sharpie marker you've souped up with glue to give the ink a thick, tar-like consistency.
|
151119
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
getting an important message out on the radio show of an influential DJ doesn't always have the desired effect. sometimes people who are in agreement with you give you a distant, silent salute when they see you in a public place, and that's all. it's called "saluter's 101".
|
151120
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The best way to attract a man is to argue about religion with him on a subway.
|
151121
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
controlling someone's voice through an electric piano is a pretty strange thing to experience.
|
151122
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
People will get very displeased with me when I fail to define the term "best friend" to their satisfaction.
Oh, and if I'm Drew Barrymore I'm also simultaneously Cindy Crawford, which really means Carly Simon. And since I know little about these people, I assume that one incident in their shared lives involves them hanging up clothes on a store shopping rack while witnessing their multiple boyfriends fall in love with a shirtless (male) firefighter climbing up a pole outside.
|
151122
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in a world without marijuana, those who want to get high will visit backroom anesthesiologists for sketchy oxygen "treatments".
|
151123
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
at some point, TV shows won't even exist to be watched anymore. their raison d'être will be for people to react to their titles. "bovine banker" will be one such show.
|
151124
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's weirdly touching when a radio DJ and a lucky caller take turns singing the simple minds song "see the lights" to each other.
|
151125
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you shouldn't give elements of your bed away to a russian stranger. but if you do, or if family members decide to do it for you, the least the stranger can do is tell an audacious lie about you in presenting you to his people.
|
151126
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when taking a leak in the electricity-free bathroom of a coffee shop that doubles as a charity for those in need, there's one important thing to remember: don't whiz in the bucket full of raffle tickets.
|
151127
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"if you hear a flashlight at any point, it's me trying to find my way."
|
151128
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'm afraid that undoing braids that I've left in my hair for a week will cause a brain aneurysm.
My dad says, "If this were true, you'd be in excruciating pain by now. You've started undoing them already."
|
151128
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
cupcake pattern baldness is a sad thing. no one wants to lose their frosting while they're hanging out in the fridge.
|
151129
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i may be outmatched when i find myself playing in the NBA with no fanfare or time to prepare, but my defensive skills are a surprising game-changer.
|
151130
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i need to start paying more attention to the auras of others.
|
151201
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
poems that aren't meant for you but end up in your sole possession are strange things to behold.
|
151202
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you don't strip a grand piano for parts when its name is "ferrari". you just don't.
|
151203
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
any high school assignment that involves shaving your body just isn't worth completing.
|
151204
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows becomes a book that was written by Orson Scott Card in the 1970s, Harry and his friends defeat Voldemort with an elaborate military strategy before taking on the Soviet Union.
|
151204
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you're trying to fight someone off, and you happen to be missing an arm, it's always your strongest arm that's gone AWOL, isn't it?
|
151205
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
everyone should have the experience of starting a ragtag junkyard band with a violinist and a washtub bassist. it's fun.
|
151206
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
we can't change time, but we can change now.
|
151207
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
not all typewriters are created equal.
|
151208
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
villains give surprisingly revealing mini-speeches sometimes when one of their minions is introducing them and no one's really listening to what they're saying. like this one: "i have everything, but i'd give it all way … for more."
|
151209
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a swing set is more dangerous to a courtship than you can imagine.
|
151210
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a good way to amuse a friend is to repeat their own good advice back to them over the phone.
|
151211
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
half an apple does not a motel room door lock make.
|
151213
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it isn't difficult to outscore your sister in a video game, even when you have no real understanding of the game's rules.
|
151214
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
not all wall wounds are visible things.
|
151215
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
There's a market for coffee-flavoured water.
|
151216
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
purple hair + bicycles = eventual hand-holding. that math never fails.
|
151217
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A machine that looks like a screen hanging on a wall can judge whether you're singing in tune. If you're not, it sends specks of dust down from the ceiling. But it's very precise in its measurements, so it's impossible to sing perfectly in tune. The best thing to do is just sing and hold out your arms to the falling dust.
|
151217
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
("the best thing to do is just sing and hold out your arms to the falling dust" sounds like good general life advice. poetic too! i like it.)
|
151217
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
trying to write with a pencil after replacing the broken point with a lump of wax is about as awkward as you'd expect.
|
151218
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the most impressive magicians are those who can pull endless handkerchiefs out of their throats instead of their pockets or shirtsleeves. bonus points for being able to conjure breaded chicken cutlets and t-bone steaks that are still warm enough to eat.
|
151219
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
cats are so easily impressed by phantom guitar-playing.
|
151220
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's a strange feeling to realize you've been going in every day to do the first job you had after high school and no one's thought to mention that you quit almost fourteen years ago and won't be getting paid anything.
|
151221
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
someday you'll have to make a decision: do you save the life of someone you don't really know when their own poor decision-making has been their downfall, or do you break the villain's neck with knives? because you can't do both at once.
|
151222
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
spend enough time contorting your body to fit into tight spaces and anything can start to sound like an insult. even a compliment about how adept you are at contorting your body to fit into tight spaces.
|
151223
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
john huston's "fat city" makes for a pretty bizarre, depressing video game when it's adapted for the sega genesis.
|
151226
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A cool dome-shaped sculpture that is decorated with a tessellating map-of-the-world pattern is marred by sculptures of people around the base. People ruin everything.
Similarly (or not), explaining human sexuality to talking forks and spoons can make for awkward dinner table conversation.
|
151227
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
pop stars you've never heard of are always going on about their tongues when you meet them in a public park. it's a bit of a problem.
|
151227
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"Divorce boxing" is a kind of bingo. When you or someone you know is going through a divorce, punch one square out of a 3x6-square chocolate bar whenever one of the divorcing parties does something stereotypically divorce-like. When you've completed a row, someone wins. Maybe.
|
151228
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when selecting a prisoner to act as a spy, a working knowledge of handcuffs is a definite plus.
|
151229
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
manga is every literate songwriter's secret weapon. that's where their poetic words really come from. they just steal the dialogue and call it a song.
|
151230
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
just because you have reason to believe your doctor is having an affair with your wife, it doesn't mean you should rule out going in for a checkup when you want to get to the bottom of some unexplained weight loss.
|
151231
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
dogs don't make good cooks. at least not when it comes to making food for non-dogs, like people.
|
160101
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The Highland Games committee pays people $10 to sing a Scottish song translated into different languages, but I cannot make any money since I only sing in Italian and the Italian one is missing.
|
160101
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
brain-numbing is an unfortunate side effect of an unwillingness to follow the teachings of an obscure spanish philosopher anthologized in three bible-size hardcover books.
|
160102
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
People don't take it well when I inform them that I'm married to their husband in an alternate universe. "We have our own versions of the world," I try to explain. Clearly, she doesn't agree because she's a Christian.
|
160102
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
leave it to socks and underwear to complicate things and multiply at the most inopportune time.
|
160104
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I have another class with the graduate professor I feared and disliked. The hard part about it is gathering seaweed from the indoor pool and then getting to class on time: it's impossible to do both.
|
160104
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
non-erotic self-asphyxiation with a pillow will ultimately lead to a heart attack. it won't be fatal, but you should really rethink smothering yourself with the thing you sleep on just for something to do.
|
160105
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the noble thing to do when you apprehend a would-be thief is to walk to the nearest park and die together.
|
160106
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
according to roger ebert, mick jagger "got what he has and kept it by being calm and careful".
|
160107
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
before touching chests with someone else, it's very important to make sure your glasses aren't hooked on your shirt collar, waiting to be crushed by the force of casual affection.
|
160109
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a cigarette that falls apart before you can smoke it but has a nice falling-apart aroma isn't a total waste of time.
|
160110
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
how to get in with the popular kids: convince them there's a vague artifact from mars stuck to the ceiling of a public bathroom and only you can retrieve it. then climb up there and grab it. instant accolades. thunderous applause.
|
160111
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if being relatively tall doesn't really register until you're around people a good deal shorter than you, walking through a narrow room inhabited by people twice your height is going to be very strange.
|
160112
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Sure, H. P. Lovecraft came up with the original Cthulhu, but Stephen King actually wrote most of the Cthulhu mythos and invented the names of the other monsters/entities, because he writes a lot. And C. S. Lewis wrote one book about it, but only one.
|
160112
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Also, if you try to get an advanced copy of a book for your brother, it'll fall apart in the middle. This is so publishers insure that advanced copies aren't widely circulated.
|
160112
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
*ensure, not insure, but insure maybe too. I need to go to work in any case.
|
160112
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you lack the necessary jewelry to ward off evil spirits, awkward restaurant altercations are going to happen.
|
160113
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the sun and the moon playing speed chess with each other on a beach in the middle of the day is pretty and all, but their acrobatics might just mean our days are numbered.
|
160114
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes "you're dead" is not a threat, but a useful reminder to those who've forgotten they're no longer living.
|
160116
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you're going to wake up in a zoo cage after having unexpected off-screen sex with a friend, there are worse people to be than mark wahlberg.
|
160118
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
never try to hump a machine before understanding exactly what it does and how it works.
|
160119
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in basketball, you can win and lose simultaneously. but only by winning.
|
160120
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in prison, a pencil under your pillow means a good night's sleep.
|
160121
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When you're on a spiritual retreat, you shouldn't float up a hill just because you can. It's more spiritual to walk - to put in some effort.
|
160121
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
selecting a rolling stones song to send someone as a statement of intent is probably not a thing you should do offhand as you're getting out of the bathtub. that's how a person finds themselves choosing "start me up" instead of something less obvious and more interesting like "sweet virginia".
|
160122
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
courtney love singing about skulls is pretty compelling, but you have to go back in time about two decades to make it so.
|
160123
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
we're not dogs. if you hit someone thinking you're playing, there's no guarantee they won't hit you back with bad intentions.
|
160126
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you've heard of being held scoreless in a game? well, apparently being "held sexless" is also a thing.
|
160127
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
my dreams are becoming amazingly predictive
|
160127
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
strange but true: pickles can be a precursor to foreplay.
|
160128
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's no need to fear heaven.
|
160129
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
your arms might be too short to box with god, but that doesn't mean you can't belt a prison warden in the face.
|
160130
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it ain't a trivia-based quiz without a piece of stale rye bread.
|
160131
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
meeting a man with teeth that resemble the mouth of a pair of pliers while visiting a friend in the hospital isn't going to do anything to put your mind at ease.
|
160201
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the harder you have to work for your beverage, the better your brain is going to convince you it tastes.
|
160202
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every so often, you should ask a random prostitute to be your friend. it could work out better than you expect.
|
160203
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you don't want people to know you're hopped up on cocaine, you'll want to refrain from pulling a gun out and opening fire on your own attic crawl space. 'cause that's kind of a dead giveaway.
|
160204
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
kris kristofferson is the last person you want to see standing outside of a door that will not lock.
|
160206
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone writes a poem about you, and it's not very flattering, and they perform it like it's a blues song, the obvious response is to sing along and play some harmonica.
|
160207
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no matter what anyone says, walking out on a movie that's in the process of happening in life instead of on-screen doesn't say anything about your true feelings for minnesota.
|
160208
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
mailing drugs is a bad idea
it ruins relationships
|
160209
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
if you bring a suitcase to an airport early, they will charge you extra (on top of the extra charge due to weight), because they don't normally have people working at that time and they have to bring in employees specifically to deal with your luggage.
|
160210
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
mothers give the WORST advice when it comes to washing wigs.
|
160210
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
being a 25 year-old virgin gatekeeper with the soul (and voice) of a senile 71 year-old man trapped inside of you, and no control over which voice or mind will take over at any given time, makes for some interesting conversations.
|
160211
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Somersaulting inside a backpack, if I can manage it, is a shortcut to traveling around the world.
|
160211
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"intermitten" is not very_punny, as glove-related made-up words go.
|
160212
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
if you say "that looks like a mcdonald's tiara!" to someone who's wearing a toy tiara, people will think it's hysterical, even when you're not even sure in the dream what you meant. someone will even say "nice dig."
|
160213
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one can hide from the man-eating ball of eyes.
|
160213
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's hard to stay mad about being kicked out of a cult band you didn't even know you were in when you find asparagus and corn growing in your video camera.
|
160215
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
hugs should last longer than they do. sometimes you need mos def to remind you of that.
|
160216
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock.
|
Always choose the woods over the city, learning over distraction, and when you see your error and run back to the class in the woods, you will be forgiven if it if you are sincere, because only your sincere skill and love will keep you alive and helpful.
|
160217
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can kiss someone in the rain indoors where rain should not be able to find you, but only in the presence of prince (the purple one formerly known as previously being himself, now known as himself again). figures.
|
160218
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes you just gotta leave your castle and return to the place where you were once busted having sex by neighbours.
|
160220
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
not even the pavement you walk on outside of the mall can muster up good feelings for jian ghomeshi anymore.
|
160221
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's never polite to punch a pig in the face. you don't want to do that if you can help it. but when a mother pig misunderstands your relationship with her little piglet and she's trying to tear your arm off, sometimes all you can do is belt her one. the good news is, the horrible sound she makes after you hit her isn't the sound of suffering. it's only the stunned need to sneeze.
|
160223
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
bob saget was narrating the end part of my dream. so i guess i learned that i watch too much tv.
|
160224
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
don't poison my cat. that's one thing i won't be able to forgive.
|
160224
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
never trust a basketball coach when the fate of humanity is hanging in the balance.
|
160225
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the last person you'd expect is secretly a fan of the same anime series you are.
|
160226
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it doesn't matter how good your saliva control is. hold enough illicit pills in your mouth long enough, and a few of your teeth are going to decide to get you high.
|
160228
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a spontaneous eight-minute grunge song is just another way to say "i'm confused about my last sexual experience".
|
160229
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"'j.d. wrangler' is bizarre. all you see are monkeys and bananas with wounded eyes."
(excerpt from a review for a movie that doesn't exist in the waking world)
|
160301
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a linoleum floor can be just as fancy as a restaurant table. don't let anyone tell you different.
|
160302
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a child's diabolical plan in hell: "we will find great men of science and see who can produce the most impressive sneeze."
the question is, what are great men of science doing in hell?
|
160303
|
|
... |
|
|
amy in red
|
great men of science are always in hell. great means unboring. the boring or bored men of science are patient hungry ghosts playing cards. mediocre scientists making money are in wannabe heaven, being demogogues.
|
160303
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I go to "welding school," I'll learn that the glass windshield of a rocket needs to be frosted glass. If it's clear glass it won't withstand re-entry.
|
160303
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a coat that fits half a dozen people at once and makes them into one big people marshmallow is cause for an experience-ending song, bollywood style.
|
160304
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes it's easier to dance a melody than it is to play it.
|
160305
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the calendar / graphic novel crossover is a thing now.
|
160306
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when television episodes triple in length and become standalone full-length films, it isn't clear if it's some sort of conspiracy, or just memories putting on weight.
|
160307
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
minnie driver gets the strangest premonitions at 7:14 in the morning.
|
160308
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
having a waterfall in your apartment that leads directly into the waterfall outside your apartment (which is somehow right at water level) is not something you'd desire, no matter how cool it looks or how large the apartment is.
|
160309
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you should empty your pockets before you wash your jeans, but not for the reasons you'd think. it's about flatness. the flatter your pants are, the better they wash, and full pockets = not a whole lot of flat action going on.
|
160309
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
billy joel cares about the employment situations of his fellow man.
|
160310
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
meeting for blinky after drinky isn't what you think it is.
|
160311
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a yellow thumbtack is a difficult thing to dig out of your left cheek.
|
160312
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a musical instrument that casts no shadow can be played but not seen.
|
160314
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
anyone who can repair a guitar can perform brain surgery. you just don't know if you'll still be the same person when they're done working on you.
|
160318
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
stephen colbert is everywhere.
|
160321
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
everyone wants to spy on the neighbours until the sun goes down and unease sets in.
|
160323
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
When Thanksgiving and Halloween happen on the same day, it's an excuse for my college friends to get drunk and play the "puking off of bridges" game. That's disappointing for me, since I was playing the expanded Settlers of Catan game with them and we were just getting to the point of planting a real miniature farm on the gameboard.
|
160324
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it says a lot about a person, whether or not they feel a need to lie about why they're buying so many chocolate bars from a corner store.
|
160326
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you know a person has decided they really trust you when they show you their two most personal tattoos.
|
160327
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can't outrun a voodoo chant.
|
160328
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
automated voices are not to be trusted on the telephone. ever.
|
160329
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Q:What do you wear to a "person celebrating getting their MBA" party?
A: A whitish-grey collared shirt, dark pinstriped pants, and tan mules.
(That was two days after I learned, or relearned, that shoes called "mules" exist.)
|
160329
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a fine line between moving to another city to appease someone and making sure you don't inconvenience yourself too much.
|
160401
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the most effective hiding place of all: the viscera of a water park.
|
160403
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when a film is made of chocolate, you'd best be watching it before it melts.
|
160405
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a teenage limo driver won't be impressed by spontaneous doo-wop singing.
|
160406
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
getting an uncooperative bathroom stall door lock to work with you is easy. all you need to do is talk about it like it's a person you really, really don't like. but you don't talk directly TO it. you talk ABOUT it to another bathroom occupant so it can hear what you're saying. that's the trick.
|
160407
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can't trust a person who tells you their breath smells like strawberries. you never can tell if someone's just saying a thing like that to trick you, so they can blast you with bad breath.
|
160409
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
fresh bread and toilet paper are not interchangeable, unless you're thinking about harry chapin.
|
160410
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a picture's worth as many words as the person in the picture wants to say when the image comes to life.
|
160411
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in the event of an apocalypse, camping is always a novel idea. just be sure to tear down your tent before moving on to the next desolate city.
|
160412
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are times when a digital piano's temperamental power cord is also a con artist, middle-aged, female.
|
160415
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the kind of person you've been throughout your life determines the kind of currency you're given by an angel of death to take with you into the afterlife. not every soul is worth its weight in gold.
|
160416
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the only way to separate an evil spirit from the body it's possessing is to draw just the right amount of blood from the possessed person that a reverse air bubble is created.
|
160417
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
how you wear a bulletproof vest has more to do with fashion sense than self-preservation.
|
160418
|
|
... |
|
|
jane
|
as long as the sun is shining, the snow cannot freeze your toes.
|
160419
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there comes a time when a damaged reputation can only be repaired by facebook compliments.
|
160419
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you're going to tell a group of people they're beautiful, you'd best be sure you know how many of them are in the group. there's nothing more embarrassing than blurting out a number that's wrong.
|
160423
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if there's a bird chirping fifty two miles away, i'm probably gonna hear it.
|
160424
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a new kind of pickup line: singing sweet nothings in someone's ear about leopards eating dogs.
|
160425
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"There's a world of difference between a train and the sound it makes."
|
160427
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's never fun checking into a hotel only to realize the key you've been given isn't for the room you've paid for, but for a narrow janitorial closet. being meryl streep makes it a bit more fun, though.
|
160427
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an aging hitman should always make sure he's alone when putting on his shoes, for obvious reasons.
|
160428
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
samuel jackson says the strangest things in close proximity to a malfunctioning toilet.
|
160430
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one does not gift someone a vintage snare drum without complications.
|
160505
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an elastic band is no substitute for a belt.
|
160506
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
how to interrogate someone who's broken into your hotel room at 5:00 in the morning: ask a question. if you get an answer you don't like, pull down their pants and stab them in the ass with a dinner fork. repeat as needed.
|
160508
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one to add to the list of useful but unexpected inventions: the bulletproof couch.
|
160509
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some breakups end with your partner trying to buy your own furniture from you so they can sell it to someone else. for all the sense that makes.
|
160510
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can't outrun a parasite that's taken on the form of a liger, but you can stuff it in a dresser drawer and leave it to die there.
|
160511
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
(i don't dream much anymore)
|
160512
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are worse last-minute things to be thrust into than sing-acting onstage with robert downey jr. and joss stone as part of a presentation for nikon.
|
160515
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Graduating from university gains you a flannel suit (pants and jacket) and the ability to work as a cop for a while (while wearing the suit). I'm not sure either of these is a good thing.
|
160515
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
suicide is strange in the way it erases you from the world, but not completely. for instance, you can find a way to promote the restaurant you were working at from beyond the grave.
|
160516
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one wants to adopt your laugh when you're evil. poor evil laughs. they get no love.
|
160517
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
tony parker can't hang with kyrie irving anymore, even on the same team. point guard, know thy place.
|
160518
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
don't waste your energy on hope
|
160519
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
hillary clinton is easy to beat as a videogame boss. almost too easy…
|
160519
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Even in a surreally large Value Village, it's hard to find a suitcase or purse that's watertight. And I don't usually think about the watertightness of handbags, it's just that I have a bunch of fish to keep alive on a half-hour walk.
|
160519
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(That sounds like it's the fish that are walking. I didn't mean that!)
|
160519
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
we take away by trying to give.
|
160521
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if what you think is a one_night_stand turns out to be a case of a vampire who wants to turn you, her being a dominatrix vampire at least makes it a lot more interesting.
|
160523
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the cheapest form of post-fight drug testing involves your test results being held hostage in london, england for a while, just because.
|
160525
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Nobody can steal anything because possessions are a stable loop.
Specifically, if you try to trick a group of rich elderly women into giving you "donations for charity" they'll just give you back the jewelry you gave them before.
|
160526
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
keep throwing potatoes at someone long enough and they'll start throwing people at you.
|
160527
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes blogs that have disappeared reappear. they're like zombie blogs.
|
160530
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best ideas for recording a piano are often born in bathrooms, and the best-made pies are often hanging out in a relative's mailbox, spending the day settling into themselves.
|
160531
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A dream_movie moment of a thwarted kiss.
|
160601
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you die and realize you're headed for hell, you can always kill yourself again. i'm not sure where you go when you're double-dead, though.
|
160603
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a window air conditioner can power an aircraft.
|
160605
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you haven't lived until you've accidentally boarded a bus reserved for senior citizens when you're very much NOT a senior citizen and there isn't one seat left unclaimed.
|
160606
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's impossible to play "marker wars" while concentrating on pushing a shopping cart.
|
160607
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If J. F. Kennedy's in a closed car, it means he's not going to be shot that day, so I can climb in. However, he's going to refuse my offer to kiss him, since he's on a date with another woman. I'll just have to sit there silently while he goes on about how she's better-looking and more narratively appropriate (whoever she is - I never find out).
|
160608
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's not much to be done when someone insults you with a beach boys reference.
|
160609
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
plastic cups thrown as weapons will do nothing to deter a pissed-off mike tyson.
|
160611
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm in Australia, it will be part of a globe-trotting scavenger hunt. Next stop is somewhere in the Pacific Islands.
My next novel will be called The Further Adventures of Amos the Prophet.
|
160612
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
for some reason michael jordan's name is really hard to remember when compiling a hypothetical list ranking the best laughs of basketball players.
|
160613
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A "car theatre" is nice and cosy, and it's cool when you press a button and all the windows deploy roll-down curtains, but the movies shown are really, really boring.
|
160615
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when neil young becomes iggy pop, he'll want you to know he's sweeter than honey wood.
|
160615
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
it's considered poseur-ish to say your favourite band is radiohead now that their new album just came out.
guy: what's your favourite band? ... and don't say radiohead!
me: but i would've said radiohead even before...
[guy shakes his head disapprovingly]
me: okay, well lately, father john misty!
guy: father john misty? [nods approvingly]
|
160615
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
being held hostage in someone else's house ain't so bad when you've got a strokes album to keep you company.
|
160618
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the perfect picture is a shot of a few people standing on the roof of a building at night, trying and failing to take their own perfect picture.
|
160622
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A cashier at a bakery won't let me buy a strawberry muffins because she says it's only for pregnant woman.
Me: "Does that apply to all strawberry muffins, or only to the ones here?"
She evades the question.
|
160622
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
being michael douglas comes with some unexpected built-in badassery, especially when staying in a fancy hotel room.
|
160624
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's rude to have a garage sale at the table outside of a Dorval Artisans meeting. Other people in the guild will send you sarcastic and oddly eloquent emails savaging your insouciance at garage-saling in the wrong place.
|
160624
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
bryan cranston singing J-pop is weirdly compelling.
|
160625
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Past-tense braids are different from present-tense braids.
|
160626
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
select FBI agents get special demotivational cassette tapes to keep them from getting any grand ideas about their place in the universe.
|
160627
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i kind of enjoy being kat dennings.
|
160628
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's nothing like intentionally losing money to bring strangers together.
|
160705
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
having a little demon inside of you really just makes you a better actor.
|
160708
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
All the interesting-looking birds are hiding behind a ledge in the Biodome. You have to get inside and scare them a little in order to see them.
|
160708
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even the meanest of anthropomorphic crows like having their vanity appealed to by starstruck humans.
|
160709
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you know things are getting weird when you find clint eastwood standing at the edge of a gravel pit in your basement.
|
160710
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a household vacuum cleaner is not the best tool for cleaning one's ears.
|
160711
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's not so easy to save the day when everything becomes a cheesy, slightly-slowed-down music video.
|
160712
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when staircases meet drawstring bridge designs, getting to the basement becomes an arduous task.
|
160713
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
need to get somewhere in a hurry? become a bird.
|
160715
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I get a notice that my poem "Paper Wolf" will be published in the Journal of Hardcore Literary Inquiry, but the acceptance letter is a bit threatening.
It says I owe the journal $5 and that if I don't send it in the next few days - cash only - I will lose "the already meagre readership I have" as well as my chance of being published.
|
160716
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Also, my 11th-grade poetry isn't quite as bad as I thought. In particular
"the terrorist dawn
on the ineluctable shore"
and the brave statement: "the raincoat is wind, like a lesbian."
|
160716
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when a woman removes her bra and leads by example, jumping into an all-encompassing aquarium with abandon, she's "like a ballerina chasing the seven dwarves". whatever that means.
|
160717
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one can handle the kind of power that comes with being the man in the moon, no matter how pure of heart they think they are.
|
160720
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no good mood can last in the halls of a high school.
|
160722
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even a live soundcheck is an opportunity to connect.
|
160723
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best way to combat bullying is actually through singalong yoga solidarity. who knew?
|
160724
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
for whatever reason, it's a little unnerving when long-lost childhood friends reappear in hulking, insanely muscular form.
|
160727
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you never outgrow nap time.
|
160728
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's bad manners for adults to eat chocolate that's marketed to children. Also, the children's chocolate brand is called Lil' Freaks.
|
160729
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
singing about crustaceans while urinating is never a bad idea.
|
160730
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
Q: what's better than brass knuckles?
A: brass gloves.
|
160731
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's a pain in the ass to be spiderman.
|
160801
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
You don't appreciate what it means to be Holden Caulfield from A Catcher in the Rye until you're inside a train station, thinking about the textures of its seats.
|
160802
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"skeleton walrus" can be both and insult and a compliment.
|
160806
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
("an". not "and". get out of town, superfluous d.)
|
160806
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock.
|
Dreams prefer a sober mind to play in.
|
160807
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"mother" is a british sniper. the question is, is she on your side?
|
160808
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
If I teach Americans how to fly, Donald Trump will come to my parent's house with the aim of personally killing me. However... I can fly, so escaping is no problem.
Still, it's rude to fly too low over university campuses. Students shouldn't have to worry about flying Trump escapees bumping into them.
|
160809
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you think of all kinds of mean, witty things to say to someone you despise when you're pretending to watch television.
|
160810
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The "mom car rescue" thing works when I'm driving, get into a crash, and I start dreaming/hallucinating that I'm at a mall that has free chocolate samples on a Sunday afternoon. I'm not really hurt, I just need somebody to wake me up and drive me home. Thanks, Mom.
(Also, why the long name yesterday? Trump did not kill me. I can fly!)
|
160810
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
In the UK, people remember Luke as the one who married Mary. In North America, people remember him as the one who built the well. (A British band called Abbey Road says this, and a Beatles reference can't be wrong.)
|
160811
|
|
... |
|
|
amy in red
|
built the well or built the wall?
Beyonce knows to be accepted in the world i want to be accepted in, i have to be a single mom. And to be ruthless about it, get the mail order frozen sperm. Her team of cool people will use their educational laboratory for the location of injection. This shot does not guarantee an outcome (obviously, it's not magical), but only I can care.
|
160812
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes even talking to god isn't enough to set a whale on fire in the middle of the ocean.
|
160812
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
not every dog likes having their head scratched. who knew?
|
160813
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"Fraternal nachos" are two chips that look alike but are not connected.
|
160815
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(In the other dream, "built the well," because Luke was someone from the Bible, though not the someone he really is.)
|
160815
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one piece of music by a supposedly brilliant composer whose work was undocumented in any form (apparently because he lived before the time of audio recording and never thought to write anything down) is worth at least two or three of the lesser pieces by ravel, or so one old manual typewriter would have you believe.
|
160815
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
forgetting to bring a guitar to a campfire is one of the worst things you can do, right up there with stealing someone's stamp collection.
|
160816
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
buying a used van is never as simple as it should be.
|
160817
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night with a question you can only ask by shouting it at no one: "is anyone real?"
|
160820
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock.
|
I repress positive/good/nice/warm memories of my past/most recent ex relationship. A lot. Like I forgot there were any. They feel unreal and undeserving of my attention or memory space. Why are they still there?
I dreamed a memory, just lying together, not sex, just falling asleep holding eachother as the sun set and waking as it became outside and being happy and comfortable in that moment. In the dream I felt it was fake, I knew it was just a blissfully ignorant moment of good floating in the unlisted toilette bowl of our shitty reality together. That moment of relief after taking a shit just before the horrible smell makes you gag. So brief and fleeting.
Then my lover, heartmate, husband, woke up sad after having a dream that I cheated on him. Maybe dreams touch wlbetween us while we sleep. I could never dirty this trueternal_bliss we share, there is no toilette bowl this time, just clouds that nourish the soil when they storm.
|
160820
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
just because werner herzog once cooked and ate his own footwear (see: "werner herzog eats his shoe"), it doesn't mean you should eat your underwear. some things aren't meant to be tasted.
|
160822
|
|
... |
|
|
flowerock.
|
Even if I am presented with two free tickets, a ride, and a place to camp, I am still not interested in attending burning_man, according to my dream.
|
160822
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I'm dissatisfied with a book in the bookstore, I can always rearrange the print with my eyes, usually to rename random characters "Gertrude Stein". (This is illegal, and if anyone catches me, I could get a hefty fine.)
|
160823
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
all the best math tutors are teenage alcoholics.
|
160823
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some spiders are actually beautiful women made of yarn.
|
160824
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
motorcycle chases in the dark: less thrilling than advertised.
wearing a dress shirt with a broken button: recommended, as long as the colour's good.
|
160825
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
skipping stones in a swimming pool is a future olympic event.
|
160827
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
lose a finger, get a glove, but only for that finger lost.
|
160828
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I tell a former classmate who shows up in a dream that he is, in fact, in a dream, so he can take risks with impunity - and if he then jumps off the roof of a building we're on and smashes to a sticky blot on the ground - the only thing to do is to scatter cinnamon on his squished and now-impersonal body.
|
160828
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in the event of a raging house fire, the last thing you want is a bunch of casual firefighters to show up who are more interested in catching up with one another and cracking jokes than breaking out the hoses.
|
160830
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's something oddly awe-inspiring about a groundhog in a greenhouse.
|
160831
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
piano salesmen are full of useless titles.
|
160901
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
James Joyce tricks my brother into lending him $2... again... which leads my brother to complain how he prefers more "traditional" Celtic authors, anyway.
For this reason or another I have to dive down to the ocean floor and retrieve sunken receipts.
|
160902
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in the event of an in-house avalanche, carry a tragically hip song in your head.
|
160903
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some helpful ideas are best kept to oneself. especially when lady gaga is involved.
|
160905
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"Transpay" is short for "transparent" and is used for ordering transparent pizza. Sometimes you just don't want opaque pizza.
|
160905
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
wooden hardware and hardened wood-wear are two very different things.
|
160908
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
wind is no excuse for serving double-faults in a tennis match, especially when basketball rules apply and you're standing right at the net.
|
160909
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
random country singer's face is random.
|
160913
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you think you're dying, of course you'll ask someone to call an ambulance. but you'll want to make yourself a sandwich first. if you're going to die, why do it on an empty stomach?
|
160914
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you don't want orange juice injected into one of your eyes. trust me on this. you do, however, want to believe anything steven spielberg says about mel gibson. it's steven spielberg, after all. would he lie to you?
|
160915
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Elijah Wood goes on TV to announce the New World Order, which is a kind of hurricane happening in Vermont.
|
160916
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"god job" is not a religious sex act or a typo, but rather a strange compliment unique to reddit.
|
160917
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if given a choice, it would be best NOT to shoot a random thief in the hand and scrotum.
|
160918
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
soap opera assassins lead such bland lives.
|
160919
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
cancer is a jerk. as if we didn't already know.
|
160921
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
leaving food out for a scarecrow isn't like feeding ducks or chipmunks. the scarecrow isn't just going to appear out of nowhere and start eating on your lawn. especially if your idea of scarecrow food is a whole cucumber.
|
160922
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
cookie monster and big bird engaging in rough sex is a recipe for, if not a "childhood ruined" moment, at least something a little off-putting and disconcerting. if nothing else, no one should be that passionate about cookies while making sweet love on your front lawn.
|
160924
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I can vote in the US election, but only for the "federal North American" party, an apparently leaderless committee that would have governing power in US and Canada. Still, just in case, I put down my second, third, fourth, and fifth choices (because that's how voting works): Elizabeth May, two imaginary people, then Hillary Clinton.
|
160925
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(This wasn't meant as a diss at Clinton; the imaginary people were real in the dream!)
|
160925
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some typos can only be forgiven through repentance at an expensive hotel.
|
160928
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The children's novel that I have to read in two days for a graduate history course keeps changing. And that's not a good excuse: "Sorry I didn't do the reading, Ms. Hybrid-of-high-school-history-teacher-and-British-literature-professor - the book kept disappearing and turning into something different."
Also, there's a database that collects instances of swearing in the works of well-known authors. L. M. Montgomery never wrote "fuck", but she did write "feck" - along with "damn" and "hell". Naughty, naughty. What would Anne of Green Gables say?
|
160929
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when joseph_gordon_levitt offers you a piece of pizza, it doesn't matter how full you are. you gotta chew.
|
160930
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm 50, my brother will still look 25; obviously, it's because he's worked at summer camp for 29 years and working at summer camp keeps you young.
|
161002
|
|
... |
|
|
macquaria
|
It's OK to want to remake 'When Harry met Sally' as a touching yet comedic gay love story.
However, upon waking, you realise 'When Larry met Sarah' is not the name you should have chosen.
|
161003
|
|
... |
|
|
macquaria
|
It's OK to want to remake 'When Harry met Sally' as a touching yet comedic gay love story.
However, upon waking, you realise 'When Larry met Sarah' is not the name you should have chosen.
|
161003
|
|
... |
|
|
macquaria
|
It's OK to want to remake 'When Harry met Sally' as a touching yet comedic gay love story.
However, upon waking, you realise 'When Larry met Sarah' is not the name you should have chosen.
|
161003
|
|
... |
|
|
macquaria
|
Triply so it seems.... Sorry.
|
161003
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are much more poetic ways of saying you shook hands with someone. try this one on for size:
"we were locked in a rigid hand embrace."
seriously. where do dreams even come up with turns of phrase like that?
|
161003
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
before appointing oneself the granter of all wishes, perhaps consider that not every person will wish for something noble, and some will wish for things that are downright evil.
|
161004
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if someone is attempting to break into your house with the intent to kill you, maybe searching out the best possible pair of socks to escape in shouldn't be the top priority. socks are important and all, but not getting killed is kind of nice too.
|
161005
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
all random haircuts are somehow inspired by russell crowe walking down the highway. also, there are these things that lurk outside of fancy hotels. ghost dogs, for lack of a better description. they're not really dog forms, but they're not human forms either. only certain people can see them. they're like weird semi-visible cotton candy spirits you can't feel. if they see someone they're interested in, a bunch of them will throw themselves into that person in rapid succession, and if enough of them are able to do that, at a certain point they'll have gathered enough information to emulate or imitate the person they've studied and absorbed. it could be morgan freeman, or it could be you. the point is, you don't want to linger outside the main doors for too long.
|
161006
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
presidential candidates don't, as a rule, make good gym teachers.
|
161007
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
almost anything can be amusing in the form of a talking penis caricature.
|
161008
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"the real motivating factor is a governing wind."
|
161010
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you're trying to hide in the hall so a high school teacher won't know you didn't finish your group assignment, what you need is a banjo. i don't know why. but you do.
|
161011
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when dealing with someone who's suffering from dementia and exhibiting a lot of anger and aggression, there's one surefire way to calm them down: crouch as low as you can to the floor, and speak softly.
|
161012
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Dream_movie review says: "Crack cocaine is like calcium carbonate: it brings you back to life and then kills you."
|
161012
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you have to find the train to get on the train.
|
161013
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
marriage needs no ceremony. it can happen at any random time. you just decide you're married to someone, and then you are. divorce may be a little more complicated.
|
161014
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's a little disconcerting talking to a killer on the phone when all they do is repeat everything you say.
|
161016
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a seven-star hotel is not an actual thing. but if it was, that would be a pretty impressive hotel.
|
161018
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Bob Dylan's putting on an informal show in Montreal and tickets are selling for only $21 or $22.
Then I remember I'm supposed to be tutoring at that time.
|
161019
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
seasons should always be judged by their productivity (or your productivity while navigating said seasons).
|
161020
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
stalking the halls of your old high school wearing nothing but a pair of underwear need not be a source of anxiety. embrace the freedom of near-nudity, and all those who interact with you will revel in your uninhibitedness.
|
161022
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
juggling a falling frying pan full of food isn't as tricky as you'd expect it to be.
|
161023
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
celebrity sightings don't mean much when you're talking with your mouth full.
|
161025
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
always be wary of anyone who wants you to cut class so you can spend all day kissing and smelling each other's hair. chances are they only want to drug you and steal your kevin spacey audiobook.
|
161027
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it ain't where the ground beef comes from but what you do with it that matters (at least when it comes to borderline nachos).
|
161028
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If you're patient and quiet, you can watch a slug make a cocoon and morph into a banana.
You should wait about an hour after the banana starts looking banana-like to eat it, though, or else you'll have a banana that tastes like slug.
|
161029
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the communal desire for hand-washing always strikes at the most inopportune moment.
|
161030
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some people are very free and loose with the offering of romantic kisses, which can get kind of strange when they have a significant other and said significant other is watching them kiss you.
|
161101
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if orson welles tells you to kill a mouse using the cardboard tube that once held wrapping paper, you don't really have a choice, do you?
|
161104
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a way to get a murder victim to give up some clues about who killed them, but you're not gonna like it. (it involves a flammable liquid and the bottom of a cliff.)
|
161106
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A character named Polly comes up with obscure insults - "parth", for example, means whale ejaculate.
|
161107
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
(that just made me cackle out loud. and then i thought, "well, that probably *is* something close to the phonetic sound it would make if distributed underwater...")
|
161108
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the way to a dog's heart is through a belly-rub. but we knew that one already.
|
161109
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
science vs. the school pendant is an argument that can only be resolved through a destructive act of protest.
|
161110
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
castration at the hands of an angry stepfather wielding a tripartite razor blade is about as painful as you'd expect it to be.
|
161111
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
narrowing one's focus to a single freckle on someone's arm somehow leads to sudden and intense nasal pain.
|
161112
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
So I'm at a choir luncheon where most choristers are dressed as clowns. I'm not, and I feel left out. An older woman kindly suggests some kinds of clownish garb I might get: "a cape, or at least a deer leg ornament."
|
161112
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I can get arrested for accidentally dropping my raincoat on the metro track.
|
161114
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when your eyes play tricks on you in near-darkness and you aren't sure what a random animal visitor is, it's always the third thing you think it is.
|
161115
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
as much as i wanted to believe you, i shoulda_known you were nothing but a liar
it's gonna be a long four years
|
161117
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you don't want to ask donald trump to sign your yearbook. trust me on this. he'll just bend you over and sign whatever you're wearing, and announce what he's writing as he writes it, and it'll be all kinds of awkward and offensive.
|
161118
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
whenever possible, you should manipulate events to get someone you have a crush on to be a passenger on a train at the same time you are. you know, to help pass the time. bonus marks if they wear glasses.
|
161121
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
they've got the strangest knitted winter wear for newborns now.
|
161122
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"in the end, the people you miss the most are mystically buried in someone's apples."
|
161123
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in a world where taco bell serves nothing but chicken, sometimes all we can hold onto are random death cab for cutie songs that rise up from nowhere to serve as a soundtrack to the lives of strangers.
|
161124
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best apology is always a tomato. at least it is when you're a middle-aged teacher named santos and you're having a nervous breakdown.
|
161126
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i don't know how a turkey dinner becomes french toast, but when it does, the peas stick around. where would they go anyway?
|
161127
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
You know you're in a fancy high school when an entire hall is devoted to pictures of Queen Elizabeth I.
|
161128
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
best comeback when you're standing in line and a stranger who's ahead of you makes fun of your appearance: "at least i don't look like i've been soaked in sour cream and cooking in the sun for fifty years."
|
161201
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
pocket kleenex is an acceptable form of currency in grocery stores, with each tissue the equivalent of one dollar. who knew?
|
161202
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even a broken foot can't stop someone who changes the colour of sidewalk as they step on it from working their magic.
|
161204
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'm a bit skeptical when a travel agent assures me that Vermont is inside New Hampshire - but then, I'm not from there, so what do I know?
|
161204
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
broken fingers aren't so bad in a world of voice-activated everything.
|
161205
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you only have one random famous figure come to your rescue in a city park this year, make it noel coward.
|
161206
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
trying to exchange time that's already expired for time that has yet to be spent is a fool's errand.
|
161207
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
having far more suitcases than you could ever hope to fill with luggage is a sign of genius. at least that's what the people who have more suitcases than necessary will tell you.
|
161209
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some guitar pedals also heat soup.
|
161210
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when all else fails, you can pay your rent with fourteen sterling silver spoons.
|
161211
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sooner or later we all have to make a choice between love and lunch.
|
161212
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's not so easy to find your way around using a city map that's a cookie when all your destinations are raisins.
|
161213
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
toppings on a "gladiator burger" include barbecue sauce, onion, and cherry tomatoes. not sure how that's inspired by russell crowe, but there you go.
|
161215
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
carrying a nodding cat around never gets old.
|
161216
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you probably don't want to buy an upright bass from canadian tire.
|
161218
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
i know the high heels will hurt me
but the sensible shoes just don't go with my outfit
|
161218
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if a tom_waits impression isn't hurting your throat, you're not doing it right.
|
161219
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
announcing your friends is a good way to make them feel awkward.
|
161220
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Dogs can read, but not long texts, only comics.
That's why I think my cousin's little Lhaso Apso would relate to the bichon frise character in the comic strip Pooch Cafe.
|
161222
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i don't make a terribly attractive drag queen.
|
161222
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(It's spelled Lhasa Apso. Anyway.)
I'm not sophisticated enough for a "Christmas cocktail brunch" with friends downtown, since I'll inevitably get a bit tipsy and then lick a metal street-sign pole. My tongue won't get stuck, but it'll be embarrassing for the said friends.
|
161224
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
for whatever reason, learning a second language on the fly is always easier in someone's kitchen.
|
161224
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
beware the founding father of some city you don't live in, or its streets, or something. what he's the founding father of isn't as important as what will happen if he finds out you've been lying about a horse. dude is intimidating.
|
161227
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best way to diffuse a fistfight is to give your opponent a sweater you knitted just for them. they might still punch you in the face one more time after you've finished hugging, but it'll be more of a glancing blow.
|
161228
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
(defuse, even. talk about using a word that means the opposite of what you want to say.)
|
161228
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there may come a point in your life when you think it's a good idea to try pulling a fast one on a drug dealer, selling them some broccoli and telling them it's weed.
it's not a good idea. at all. ever.
|
161229
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
chocolate DVDs don't really matter unless you eat them.
|
161230
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
yet_more_things_learned_from_dreams
(new one for a new year, 'cause this one's getting a little slow to load now)
|
170101
|
|
|
what's it to you?
who
go
|
blather
from
|
