shadow annoyingly insecure birdmad my shelter and my prison, the ones i cast over myself 010916 ... silentbob Cast 010917 ... pilgrim Oblique, for maximum contrast Revealing the subtle contours Even from a distance 020325 ... Sonya He went off to face the shadow. Whether or not he would return with the same fire in his heart and soul of courage was yet to be seen. And in a lonely tower by the ocean, a light continued to glow as his guide. The shadow would soon lift... 030427 ... bespeckled It lurks in the corners of their conversation, teen girl love drifting on the wind, amorous affection lurking in the air, long fingertips of affection softly pulling down, her words pulling back into her heart as a twirl of her hair drifts into the shadows that won't betray her demeanor 030428 ... timid in tenderness can i curl up here with you? i just want to sit at your feet and listen to your voice as you spin tales. the fire is warm here, and my head on your lap will be no more bother than a cat resting. i would very much like for you to paint my dreams as i doze. 040102 ... mon nice, everyone. i am watching candles spin 040102 ... birdmad skinny cat, she is, lean hungry build like a cheetah in the grasslands, not quite bony, and with a deceptive weight, heavier than she looks like she should be for such a whisper of a thing. little black cat stalking her toys with aplomb, spring-loaded muscles tightening in sequence preparing for the imaginary kill 050607 ... kerry i feel it behind me, always following no matter where the sun is, which way i'm walking, night or day. and it's not MY shadow, or my shadow-side, it is a shadow somehow outside of me, but its feet are sewn to my feet. (was it peter pan's shadow who wouldn't take a hint? or am i digging this up from some other childhood memory?) i told iz about the shadow once and she said she had a similar one, but it mostly kept a safe distance, though sometimes if she wasn't careful it would creep too close and peek over her shoulder. that was how she described it: peeking over her shoulder. at that point it seemed like our shadows were similar, maybe they were even related or knew each other but i feel like mine is growing or changing or having some kind of tantrum. some days my shadow is screaming (it was so quiet before) at me to take notice, open my eyes, why keep ignoring these bright neon signs the universe is flashing at me? and i get it, because when i'm ignored i want to scream too. 210826 ... tender_square "is a veil, behind which resides a darkly splendid world of unrestrained instinct, fantasy, and drive. and, like dionysus, yielding to it might create a kind of ecstasy of relief and/or dismemberment of who we thought we should be. most importantly, shadow is full of life; a raw life that fuels individuation if held in the *right* way. and the path that leads in the right direction is paved with a kind of inexhaustible curiosity." —joseph lee, "this jungian life" episode 182: confronting shadow 211015 ... tender_square you’ve done this your whole life, being afraid of your own shadow and how it stalks. you try to discard the parts of you that don’t fit with what you present, contouring and controlling the length of darkness that stretches. what’s that phrase you were told, “the closer you try to move to the light, the longer the shadow you leave.” 221204 ... tender_square "who is she?" he asked. he wanted me to define my shadow's characteristics. i shrugged and showed empty palms. how am i to know a woman i keep at life's distance? "pay attention to the muzzling," he offered. "what kind of anger is it provoking?" i indulge in revenge fantasies, i imagine breaking a certain man's kneecaps with a baseball bat, smashing his car windows, or, more tamely, shooting him with a hose until he's sniveling. if the fury remains unchecked, i know i am capable of these scenarios. i think my shadow sister is tired of laughing at jokes that aren't funny, pretending to be interested in conversation she's not. she's bored by the weaponized use of "goodness" her lighter sister wears as armor. my shadow sister's grip is a vortex that chokes the necks of those complaining about trivialities. "what i would fucking give to have some of your problems," she spits. 230704 ... tender_square there's been a lack of connection with the unconscious world. i wake up blotto: images erased. there are whole lives i'm living unremembered. my existence bobs at the surface like a lifeless fish. i edit a manuscript about the shadow and the text reinforces accepting parts of yourself normally rejected. how do i know what i'm refusing? he tells me i can't go digging when i don't know what i'm looking for; it's about what we encounter and what confronts us. if it were a simple matter of asking the rhetorical question and waiting patiently for the answer, i would know by now. 230801 what's it to you? who go blather from