mike namae This guy I know. Doesn't believe in any god; believes creation came to be, and continues to be, purely by chance. That's cool, but he also believes Iron Chef is staged based on the one episode where the challenger's wife left him just before the show and then sends him a letter during the match. Maybe it's just me, but does that seem maybe a tad hypocritical? 010730 ... DammitJanet why am i always made to feel like i can't be honest with you. we've been through so much together, and it's been... 7 years? i know you better than anyone. we were eachother's escape from reality. when we needed someone to talk to, we were there for eachother. but somewhere along the line i lost you. i lost you to people who didn't even care half as much for you than i did. and somewhere else along that line, you started to make me feel insignificant. i was someone to be tolerated, someone you were obligated to keep in touch with. so i decided to let you know exactly how i felt. even though we didn't talk much anymore and we've both been moving on with our lives, i still loved you. and i will always love you, because of all you've done for me, how you made me feel, and for just being you. the reaction i got was devistating. you hurt me more than anyone ever has. your words stung so deep they're still etched into my mind, burned into my skin. i will never forget them, or forget how they made me feel. and how much they made me lose all feeling. all i wanted was to let you know i loved you. even if we never talked to eachother again, i'd always love you. why was i made to defend myself for that? why did i have to continually say "not in that way"? and why did you never believe me? is it so horrible for you to be loved by me? what are you afraid of? i lashed out at you for that. and we never spoke again. and i cried. i cried more everyday. everything i had reminded me of you, everything i said or did, i had a bit of you there with me. and even though i'd go months at a time without a word out of you, it never hurt. but one week after saying a final goodbye and i felt as though i could no longer breathe. knowing i'd never hear your voice, read your words, or see your face again tore me up inside. nothing that mattered, mattered anymore. because i couldn't breathe without *mike*. then i gave in. i couldn't stand the pain anymore, so i fucking gave in. i wrote you and i apologized for loving you. you pretended like everything was fine and went on like always. but at what cost? the cost was my esteem, my confidence, my independence. myself. i gave up all of that for you. and i still can't be honest with you. because it will always be taken the wrong way. do i just not know how to word things right? or do you prefer being a fence sitter who can't handle what you feel? 030202 ... DammitJanet it's funny y'know... it doesn't matter what you do how much time passes or what you say i still can't stand to hate you 030418 ... raze the band he used to sing in sounded like a cold fist to the chest. a part of me still wonders if i got him sick all those years ago when i took a swig from a pitcher of water he was drinking and offered to me, forgetting my head cold for a second. back then you could still drink your water from the tap in this city. now it tastes like every poisonous thing your paranoid mind could convince you they might lace the stuff with. and to think we still bathe in it. 180208 ... kerry this morning walking through the airport beside me--the first time we met-- Mike said, i always thought you were supposed to treat your woman like a queen; that’s why i work so much, because i’m alone, because i can’t sleep. i’m too nice--they always leave me wondering what happened? i said, you remind me of my brother. he laughed and said, well he and i should get a drink. 210730 what's it to you? who go blather from