|
|
yet_more_things_learned_from_dreams
|
|
|
raze
|
more_things_learned_from_dreams
even_more_things_learned_from_dreams
and_still_more_things_learned_from_dreams
the cops are so inept around here, you can kill someone and leave your fingerprints and other miscellaneous DNA evidence all over the crime scene, and they'll still never even think of you as a suspect.
|
170101
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when a baby buffalo who thinks he's a puppy shows you his jellybean belly, well ... that's one of life's precious moments.
|
170102
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
Yay! Another!
There's an art that involves suspending glass beads in vials filled with clear liquid, but when I try it with water, the beads' dye wears off, muddying the water and making it stink.
|
170104
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
(i figured with the new year and all, we were due for a new collection!)
anyone who expects you to witness your own signature when signing a contract in the absence of an actual witness probably isn't the most trustworthy person.
|
170104
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
the_four_dharmas_of_gampopa
|
170104
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
things i ruined: "gateway music", and someone's face. i'm not sure how the face-ruining happened, though. i mean, how do you ruin a face anyway?
|
170105
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
There's a place called the Lake of Discarded Food Packaging.
|
170106
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's a strange feeling waking up with nose sideburns.
|
170106
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
locking a saxophonist in a burning room is a surefire way to get a virtuosic performance out of them.
|
170111
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Men in bikinis on the beach = higher capsaicin content in the sand. A proven equation.
|
170111
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
hug one wrong person in public, and your whole political career is over.
|
170112
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
You need to remember the postal code of your childhood swimming pool in order to leave a proper restaurant review. It involves the combination "lo ol".
|
170112
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the first song played to announce the existence of an elliott_smith listening group was always going to be "needle in the hay".
|
170113
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The memetic phrase "Fuck vegans!" originated in a crossover between The Princess Bride and The Sims.
When I heard someone say it, I thought: "Oh, so that's where it comes from." But I don't understand what's wrong or mockable about vegans: after all, a call from a vegan uses up less cell phone battery than a call from a meat-eater.
|
170114
|
|
... |
|
|
.flowerock
|
Laughter is nourishing
|
170114
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one to add to the list of "strange but useful insults":
"you're dumber than an alternative form of teeth."
|
170115
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
hungry cassettes only ever eat themselves.
|
170119
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's strange feeling small when you're tall.
|
170120
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
gaining a duck's trust means nothing if a jealous dog is just going to bark in its face until it runs away.
|
170121
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
someone else signing your name instead of theirs when asked for an autograph is really funny, but it's one of those "you have to be there" kind of things.
|
170123
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
we will all be crying for neoliberalism when facism sets in
|
170123
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
when you leave your sex toys out for people to find they will leave your sex toys out to embarrass you
|
170125
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
projectile vomiting in bed is not the best way to spend an early morning. note_to_self: insect repellent is not meant to be ingested.
|
170125
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
nobody tells you what the proper etiquette is when you swallow a piece of gum mid-conversation in a very dramatic way.
|
170126
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one wants to visit the trump botanical gardens. no one.
|
170127
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes a hell of your own making is a better place to be than someone else's idea of heaven.
|
170128
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can't just invent a two-person "bow of romanticism" on the fly. these things take years to develop.
|
170129
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
frame me for murder once, shame on you. frame me for murder twice, and maybe i should stop packing a large knife in my lunch box.
|
170130
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's easy to get a laugh in a roomful of people you despise. almost too easy...
|
170131
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
think long and hard about how you're going to get your hair cut before trying to win the approval of the father of the person you've been dating.
|
170201
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
hugh grant's charm cannot be defeated.
|
170207
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when oranges are the size of grapefruits, strange times are surely ahead.
|
170208
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if speech capabilities break down, you can always sing what you feel.
|
170209
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
failing to honour the terms of an imaginary contract is "a big east coast felony".
|
170210
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
taking on the movie role of "the soul of nigeria" is pretty serious business — especially when you're a white actor.
|
170211
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Like the things in dream_movies, it's another (slightly) tragic gay romance. I'm in love with a my gymnastics partner, and I'm afraid my mother will become suspicious that I'm meeting her more often for rehearsing our artistic pole vaulting/trampoline routine more often than necessary. Or not. That stuff is hard.
Also, deterring dogs from doors can be a full-time job.
|
170212
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(Redundant wording. I'm wiped out. Also, dream_movie?)
|
170212
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
never underestimate the pool boy. he just might start singing a strangely compelling song in a slowed-down voice with appropriate and atmospheric music provided by some invisible band, apropos of nothing.
|
170213
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's maybe not the best idea to be surfing the internet on your phone in the middle of a bear attack.
|
170214
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's funny how difficult it is to write about forgiveness when it's so easy to write about pain.
|
170217
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Menopause = retirement.
Therefore, it's my goal to stop having periods by age 30 so that I have more time to write.
|
170217
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a banjo choir is never a bad idea.
|
170218
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When my words come out in my friend's voice, I'm startled at first but then I prefer it: my thoughts sound better and more rational in a calm alto voice.
|
170218
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"nice to meet you for the third or fourth time" is a perfectly acceptable greeting when someone acts like you've never met before but you know the score.
|
170220
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
inclusiveness is great and all, but "you too can have a spinal cord injury" isn't exactly the sort of thing to get a group of kids excited.
|
170222
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a tidy bed can turn into complete chaos in an alarmingly short period of time when books are involved.
|
170224
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm not sure if I've brought my bus pass, the college girl next to me will suggest stealing three dollars out of the pocket of the rabbi who's volunteering at a local fair across the street. "She won't notice," the girl assures me, referring to the rabbi. "She has very wide pockets."
|
170225
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(This seems to be an element of tradition, not any anti-semitic greediness stereotype: clearly, Reformed rabbis wear jackets with wide pockets. That's just how it's done.)
|
170225
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
want to surprise someone you're attracted to? figure out where they live using dream logic, and instead of leaving a flower for them to find, leave them a french fry.
|
170228
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you just can't talk sense to someone who's convinced you're bob marley reincarnated.
|
170303
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
lettuce is not the best replacement for an absent sink drain strainer.
|
170307
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
self-cleaning kitchenware ain't all it's cracked up to be.
|
170308
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one does not simply explain the entire plot of one of the "rocky" movies to a total stranger while mimicking the voices of every major character for key lines. unless you're me. then maybe you do.
|
170309
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
whatever you think of her music, it's hard not to feel good about rihanna telling you your smile is infectious.
|
170310
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's a little strange figuring out someone you've been building a relationship is only a figment of your imagination, and then having an argument with them and wondering what onlookers must be thinking.
|
170312
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
WITH! WITH! building a relationship WITH!
|
170312
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are times when only a t-shirt with a quote attributed to god on the front will do. it doesn't matter if god actually said what's on the shirt. what's important is that the shirt says god said it. people tend to take what shirts tell them at face value.
|
170314
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the worst thing you can do when some random street vender prepares you a plate of gumbo is ask them for a glass of water. it doesn't matter if you're dehydrated. they'll always take it as a profound affront to the gumbo gods.
|
170315
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
just because someone's mouth is open and their eyes are closed, it doesn't mean they're dead or dying. they could be sleepy and hungry at the same time.
|
170321
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
buying a failing theme park is maybe not the best idea when you don't know the first thing about running the place.
|
170324
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"whose semen is this?" is not a mystery you want to be trying to solve in the middle of casual hanky panky.
|
170326
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
of all the times your clothes could go missing, an outing at the beach has to be one of the more inconvenient.
|
170328
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every woman is "a struggle of habit turning into logic", apparently.
|
170401
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
proving there's a fetish for just about anything (at least in the dream world), there are people out there who will cauterize their own faces to better resemble ducks.
|
170403
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
don't trust strangers who turn up at your house claiming they're paying your wife a fortune to use your above-ground swimming pool as a whirlpool. especially don't trust them when your wife is nowhere to be found.
|
170404
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are times when you need to express your feelings through a tuna sandwich.
|
170405
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a restaurant is not the best place to dig for foot debris using a nail file.
|
170410
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a pair of novelty shoes is a perfectly acceptable form of payment for the killing of an irritating parking lot attendant.
|
170411
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you wouldn't think the roof of an apartment building would be a good place for a grocery store, but when it works, it works.
|
170412
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one of the stranger compliments someone can give you: describing you as being "devastatingly present".
|
170419
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
mine are stressing me out. the sheer amount of them, i mean — so much dreaming makes me not feel rested. or maybe that's a coincidence. or maybe i'm not getting enough sleep or the right type of sleep.
blerg and yawn.
|
170419
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some folks just have no compassion for the plight of random cassette tapes.
|
170420
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the only kind of fighting allowed in the fighting room is "affectionate fighting".
|
170421
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Broken coins are still usable currency if they have the letter "C" on them.
|
170421
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Broken coins are still usable currency if they have the letter "C" on them.
|
170421
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i can command a restaurant full of people when i am not myself.
|
170422
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a family-hopper is someone who finds a potential mate, wins them over, has children with them, and then abandons them and does it all over again, and again, repeating the cycle as many times as possible. a family-hopper who's also a recording engineer ... well, that's as bad as it gets.
|
170423
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are worse ways to fight off a home invader than by chucking free weights at their head from the top of a set of stairs.
|
170424
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
q: why do certain species of birds commit seemingly random group suicide?
a: because they're "signposts for the country".
|
170425
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
of all the possible allergic reactions to experience, "sudden ear swelling accompanied by deafness" has to be my least favourite.
|
170426
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's nothing cuter than a babbling baby (except for maybe a babbling baby who's smiling).
|
170427
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
people will always shoot you and your dreams down when you believe in change but little do they acknowledge the universal reality of entropy
|
170427
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
grief makes you do strange things, like walk around searching for a missing backpack that isn't missing at all, knowing you've got it slung over your shoulder the whole time.
|
170428
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"sergeant cupcake" and "sergeant muffin" are fine names for bench players on your basketball team.
|
170429
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
all the secrets of the universe just might be hiding inside a slowed-down version of the song "kiss me" by sixpence none the richer.
|
170501
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When a couple in the train seat across from me have not one but three babies, the only logical conclusion is that this train is actually a transitional period between different lives.
The family is from "South America in the 1800s" - as I somehow know - and they aren't traveling far. Probably to South America in the 1900s.
Me? I don't know how I died or what other life I'm going to.
|
170502
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even in college they'll try to bully me into taking a french class when i don't need the credit. some things you just can't escape.
|
170504
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
The characters in Game of Thrones don't think that Quebec's separation from Canada would solve their conflicts.
|
170506
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
my ability to offer "being erica" plot summaries is pretty impressive for having only ever seen the show dubbed in italian.
|
170509
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a failure due to "beard creatures" is the saddest failure of all.
|
170510
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are now video games that can tell you, based on a list of probabilities, whether or not your significant other is cheating on you.
|
170511
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in one version of "beauty and the beast", belle wins the beast's heart by teaching him how to pick a lock. that's real love, man.
|
170512
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there may come a time in your life when you're watching satellite TV with estranged relatives, and one of them will nonchalantly switch to a channel showing hardcore porn, and you won't quite know how to react.
|
170513
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
eating a pastry is a time-sensitive thing that has nothing to do with the freshness of the pastry itself. it's more about efficiency than anything.
|
170515
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone is trying to break your fingers, you've got a surprising amount of leeway before the actual break happens. you'll hear three safety cracks before the ultimate crack of breaking.
|
170516
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
jude law as bono: it works, but talk about your strange casting choices.
|
170518
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when an actor who's recording the voiceover narration for a documentary can't get through their exposition without choking up, you know you're dealing with some serious business.
|
170519
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no birthday party involving an overabundance of random mounted baseballs can ever be boring.
|
170522
|
|
... |
|
|
phyterjet
|
When collecting soft toys off the street, first make sure they're not sentient.
|
170524
|
|
... |
|
|
phyterjet
|
Remember to laugh at a strangers misfortune, they might just be related to Kevin Spacey and deserve it
|
170524
|
|
... |
|
|
phyterjet
|
If you need to take a selfie, be quick about it. The universe could turn into a surreal abstract haze before you can accomplish your goal
|
170524
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sleep and death are not so different in the end. snoring exists as a sort of car alarm to help us tell one vehicle from the other.
|
170525
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
decapitating someone with an axe is a lot easier when they sit still.
|
170531
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's such a thing as a thief who breaks into your house with good intentions.
|
170603
|
|
... |
|
|
Phyterjet
|
Never confide you secrets to a Turkish horse whisperer
|
170604
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When The Handmaid's Tale comes to life, Muslim women superheros will rescue the oppressed American women by climbing roofs and stuff.
In Canada, when there's a June snowstorm, a lot of neighbours get upset and want to sleep at my parents' house.
|
170605
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
steal someone's tennis racquet at your own peril.
|
170607
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When choosing apartments in a building made of stacked toilet paper rolls, it's best to get one near the bottom in case the whole thing topples.
|
170607
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone is holding you prisoner in their home as part of some strange psycho-sexual arrangement, it's going to be a lot easier to play jimmy webb's "galveston" for them on guitar at their request if they don't amputate the middle finger on your dominant hand beforehand.
|
170611
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
for having never played the position before, i'm a surprisingly decent point guard.
|
170612
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The best way to protest the hiring of a suspected molester as a choir conductor is to stand at the back of my parents' house. It's very protest-y there.
One of my students failed a standardized test that I tutored him in (this is true). In revenge, he's slowly poisoning me, and I can't catch him at it, so I have to get a magician to poison-proof all my food.
|
170612
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you always sing the sweetest songs when you're inches away from death.
|
170614
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(I am dreaming about housing a lot. I don't remember my last dream, except it involved a school.)
|
170614
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the two things that keep a veteran tennis player going are "hope and fear of humiliation".
|
170615
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the decapitation of star-crossed lovers by a jealous king is not the end of everything. their heads will float off together after they're dumped in the river, a poetic gesture of their death-proof love.
|
170616
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
when you wait at the wrong busstop for too long and finally find the right busstop, there will be a stampede of people headed straight for you
|
170616
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
here's how the famous jimi hendrix guitar-burning business really went down, before legend took over and bent the story out of shape: it wasn't a guitar at all, but a pencil. jimi dipped the eraser in gunpowder and slammed it against a small table over and over again, trying to get a flame started. when the pencil was almost broken in half from his failed efforts, he tossed it into the crowd. it started a small fire in the grass upon impact, and everyone erupted in surprised applause.
that story didn't have enough intrigue, of course, so it needed some tweaks.
|
170617
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
My answer to a quiz question needs to be "boxcar-like".
|
170619
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's this giant autonomous ass, devoid of any other connecting body parts, and all it does is go around defecating on everyone and everything. its name is ronald rump.
oh wait...
|
170620
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
'theres no safety in dreams'
|
170621
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
getting sent to detention isn't necessarily the worst thing in the world. matter of fact, when you're provided with a vast library of books and vinyl records to lose yourself in, detention isn't bad at all.
|
170621
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's something to be said for wearing your own boots in apocalyptic times.
|
170623
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If you're going to dance until 4 AM at an Arctic cabin party, make sure the cabin is built on permafrost, not frozen ocean. It gets warm early...
|
170623
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
improvised math is easier than you think. and hey, if you don't understand the concepts, you can always just make a face out of part of the equation and draw a little backwards baseball hat for its head.
|
170624
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
something you never saw in "the third man": the harry lime lap dance.
|
170625
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
with someone who's always wearing a wig as a fashion accessory, it can be a little jarring to see the hair they were born with for the first time.
|
170626
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
spend enough time flipping through a family movie guide and you're bound to find some strange, questionable choices.
|
170627
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
grey dogs are always looking for attention. black dogs are our ancient ancestors.
|
170628
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
impromptu duets with strangers on bizarre piano-like instruments promise nothing, no matter how much chemistry they might seem to generate.
|
170629
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can't visit hell without fundamentally altering the fabric of the world you live in.
|
170701
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Do you see a truck decked out to look like a wild animal (lion, zebra, etc)? It belongs to the Montreal Biodome, whose side gig involves painting nature murals on suburban houses.
|
170701
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
things that don't go together:
taylor swift and dentistry.
|
170702
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
wearing an old bandana is the simplest form of time travel.
|
170704
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even hatred cannot compel me to rob a hair salon.
|
170706
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
taking a good picture of an unnatural amount of frogs in a driveway is so much more difficult than it needs to be.
|
170707
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's a sobering moment when a newscaster goes off-script, addresses the viewer, and says, "slow down and ask yourself: how will i be remembered?"
|
170708
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The camp equipment store stays open until midnight, but 11:30 PM is a scary time to experience their roller coaster elevator.
|
170709
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Then:
"I'll fly home," I insist.
My brother looks dubious.
"No, no, I can. I can usually fly in dreams." (But not when I'm carrying a lot of things, since I need my arms free to steer with.)
|
170709
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in the new disney film version of "lolita", an arrogant teenage musician who's going nowhere fast (and who looks like bruno mars with floppier hair) treats a lowly hotel employee (also a teenager) with contempt until he learns she's a good-hearted witch who can solve all of his self-made problems with a flick of the wrist and a happy thought. the question is, in the time it takes the movie to hit its various predetermined plot points, will he grow up enough to see her not as a means to an end but as an individual worthy of his respect? the answer is, of course he will. in the final minutes these two dreamy teens will fall in love and sing about it in a mushy show-stopping ballad probably written by diane warren or a team of fifteen faceless songwriters in suits.
(the other question is, what the hell does this toothless family fare have to do with nabokov?)
|
170711
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there is no situation in which changing your name to "bill cosby" is a wise choice.
|
170712
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you don't need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to know how they feel. just slipping them onto your bare feet for a minute after a bizarre sexual encounter with a stranger is enough.
|
170713
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Jasmine Blue isn't my stripper name. It's my cartoon avatar's stripper name. This cartoon avatar has taken on a life of her own, but I'm worried that her sexiness and her colour-based nym will get her Internet-harassed, just like Blac Chyna was (by her ex, not by people in general, but same difference.)
Also. If you want to make friends with a band, you have to like their dog.
|
170713
|
|
... |
|
|
.flowerock.
|
my mind if an unruly box of paper ribbons.
we sat down to this task of examining its contents and were quickly overwhelmed. sighing, crying, laughing losing sanity... unraveling our minds, mostly my mind... you had this look on your face like an eye roll, but still smiled as you tried your best to help me stuff it all back in as we admitted defeat for the time being... enough home work gathered to last me a while... the box seemed un able to contain the contents it previously held... mental confetti... should we just drop a match? why does my mind cling like static to the image of you?
|
170714
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a baby cheetah is just like a kitten, until they bite you. one cat's playful nibble is another cat's rip-you-to-shreds-without-meaning-to.
|
170717
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even michael jackson was not immune to showing too much cleavage on the first date.
|
170718
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
english teachers have the best vintage VHS collections.
|
170719
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When admiring Rihanna's necklace collection, try to avoid complimenting her on a necklace that you gave her earlier. It's bad etiquette.
|
170722
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
running backwards is easier said than done when you're being accosted by a man with a gun burrowed beneath his stomach flesh.
|
170723
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
everyone should have access to transporter insects. you never know when they'll be useful to you.
|
170724
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when faced with certain death, you can always become an angry cartoon dog and attack the people who mean to do you in.
|
170725
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
drumming along to some distant election results is a surefire recipe for violence. there's always going to be someone who doesn't appreciate your cymbal work.
|
170728
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one way to humiliate someone who's publicly insulted you: force a pack of D batteries into their mouth with your foot.
|
170730
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
showing someone a bunch of polaroids they have no interest in seeing until their low-level irritation deepens into dread is one of the more obscure forms of casual torture.
|
170731
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes the only way to prove yourself to a potential mate is to engage in a spontaneous a cappella singing duel with other would-be suitors.
|
170801
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a simple blindfold renders you invulnerable to all toxins a villain might unleash upon the world. (at least it does if you're batman.)
|
170802
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a stray cat can be intimidating until you realize she's just a blue-haired old lady who wants to be your friend.
|
170804
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
buying a used teacup from someone in their home can never be simple.
|
170805
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
ten years of prison time will change anyone's face.
|
170807
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I can't do math in dreams, but I try!
Specifically, when I'm playing a complicated board game with my friend's brother whom I haven't seen in years, I need to calculate the formula for finding the average of six dice rolls before we play. For some reason I get (d1 + d2 + d3)/(d4 + d5 + d6) instead of (d1 + d2 + d3 + d4 + d5 + d6)/6.
|
170811
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when william shatner asks if you can knock a melon out of a tree, it means one of two things:
1. he thinks you have longer arms than him and are better equipped to pry a cantaloupe free from a cantaloupe tree using a baseball bat.
2. he's obsessively in love with you when he doesn't even know you. we're talking "presenting you with a random cake to declare his intentions" love.
it's probably both things.
|
170812
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I need to add Galileo to the email contact list at work.
|
170814
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even dr. phil needs someone to stand up for him sometimes.
|
170815
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"jurassic park" will never not be relevant.
|
170818
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A totality zone is not only where you can see the total eclipse of the sun. It's also where exaggeration and exclamation marks are strongly encouraged.
|
170818
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's always going to feel a little strange walking into a bookstore and seeing books written by people you used to be friends with but no longer talk to. almost like having an awkward encounter in a public place, only instead of running into them, you're running into their words.
|
170819
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
There's always someone around to say he fathered his first child at the same age you were when you got your first pair of glasses. (But 11?)
|
170821
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i'm a pretty reluctant hotel room prostitute, no matter how much money is involved.
|
170821
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's nothing more frustrating than showing someone a movie you just saw and really enjoyed, only to watch the narrative completely change, as if the script is rewriting itself in real-time, rendering everything you tell your fellow viewer irrelevant.
|
170822
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
hanging out with an alternate version of yourself gets a little old after a while.
|
170823
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
not all ukuleles are created equally, but you can't go wrong with a ukulele that's blue.
|
170824
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
taking care not to smile too wide so your vampire fangs aren't revealed will only get you so far.
|
170826
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The Sound of Music was ripped off from a 19th-century opera by Franz Schubert. A widower marries a woman who's come to teach his children singing lessons; there are comedic scenes; and they live in an unnamed European nation that's about to be annexed by the Austro-Hungarian empire (in S of M, this will be changed to Austria and Nazi Germany).
|
170826
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Sleep is a kind of technology. It says so right on the label.
|
170827
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's always time for a little shoe surgery.
|
170827
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
In a world where you can hang around theatre food courts in your pyjamas, anxiety still exists, but there's less of it.
|
170829
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
shovelling snow is a lot more complicated in the middle of august. chain link fences come into play.
|
170829
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an acoustic piano is the best aphrodisiac. failing that, a random glass pipe will do.
|
170830
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
be wary of the sudden reappearance of an old flame. it might just be a ruse designed to distract you so someone can steal your pumpkin pie.
|
170831
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when scaling a window high above the city isn't possible, there's always time travel.
|
170904
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when your divorce outlasts your marriage, maybe getting married wasn't the best idea.
|
170908
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If someone's name is Ferguson, their computer password is "erguson".
My friend won't want to talk to me anymore if I get "too intense about Christmas" - even if the interest I display in Christmas is mostly food-related.
|
170908
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's possible to be fired up while giving a speech and, at the same time, falling asleep, as long as you're sitting down.
|
170912
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Some people will disapprove deeply if you say you like both oregano and basil. The oregano/basil rivalry runs deep.
|
170914
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
prophetic crayon drawings are going to get you into trouble one of these days. and by "you" i mean "me, in the form of a woman whose mother is an unhinged jennifer lawrence".
|
170922
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The hard core of a star looks like an elaborate seashell rather than a rock.
|
170922
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every crime was once a moon.
|
170923
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when court reporters get bored, they skip out on work to spend time with famous tennis players.
|
170924
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"Annate" is either an academic term meaning "related to spoken words" or the heroine of a 500-page Western-adventure-romance novel. It all depends on what book cover you find it on.
|
170926
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
returning a shirt is a bit of a pain when you have to wait twenty four months to get a refund. in that case, you might as well just keep the thing.
|
170927
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you have a lot of long talks when you're busy building telescopes for two.
|
170928
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when i am robert de niro i like to be cold.
|
170929
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Tying knots in lettuce leaves seems like a good way to write dialogue, but when the leaves flop over or twist, the meaning is gone.
You can bribe people into temporary friendship with free carrots.
|
170930
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
to paraphrase steve winwood, "while you see a book you want, buy it."
|
171002
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
dead fruit flies can carry a real ominous charge.
|
171003
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's easier to form an emotional connection with a webcam model when you're the only person in the bathtub.
|
171007
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are better things to do with your time in a department store than chewing aspirin that hasn't been paid for.
|
171008
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you lose your sense of sight and are preparing for a (literal) blind date, it's always helpful to have your sight return to you in time to stop the chicken wings you've got in the microwave from overcooking. it also helps to see what colour tie you're wearing before you leave the house.
|
171011
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some people just wanna squeeze your head past the point of comfortable squeezin'. and that, my friends, is what love is all about.
|
171015
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you should have one goal during a zombie apocalypse, and one goal only: making sure you're very well-dressed. this way, when you inevitably get infected and become one of the undead yourself, you'll be the sharpest-looking zombie of them all.
|
171017
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
On "debauchery trees," berries result from sex between miniature wooden people. But there aren't many berries, so maybe there isn't that much debauchery.
|
171018
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"couch heckling" is a thing you can do, but i wouldn't recommend it.
|
171019
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"hi alien" is generally not the best way to start off a facebook message when the person you're addressing is not, in fact, a creature from outer space.
|
171020
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I want two things out of a room filled with boxes: a "sophisticated fall coat" and some cinnamon donuts.
|
171021
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in the land of unfamiliar public restrooms, the blind janitor is king.
|
171024
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i make a surprisingly attractive woman. i think it's the headdress that does it.
|
171025
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i'm not mel gibson, but i play his stunt double in dreams sometimes.
|
171028
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one goes home before 9:00 pm on a friday night unless their pride has been wounded in the heat of a spontaneous outdoor rap battle.
|
171029
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If you're nominated for an Oscar but don't win it, you get a visible scar, usually under your arm.
|
171030
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a surefire way to scare the crap out of me: a macabre rap and a decayed dog's corpse. something about the confrontational hip-hop and the dead animal together gets to me on a gut level.
|
171102
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"i can't say" is the name of the newest rod stewart collection "every completist will want to do without".
|
171104
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are people out there who will try to convince you mac & cheese tastes best when mixed with vanilla ice cream.
|
171108
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Telling stories gives me the power to fly, and I use that power to fly up to the corners of rooms to clear away dust and spiderwebs.
|
171110
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sliding down the side of a mountain: another activity that does not come highly recommended.
|
171113
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some people can't tell a book from a bookshelf. those are the ones you need to watch out for.
|
171118
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a serious enough leg injury will turn even your sworn enemies into sympathetic cohorts.
|
171121
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
apparently "counter-terrorism" now involves beating up random caucasian people in bars.
|
171124
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
money will always lead to the death of romance.
|
171127
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when someone rejects all of your advances with quiet contempt, somehow you're supposed to know they still want to go to the school dance with you.
|
171128
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
don't ever try to comfort someone who's just suffered a small, split-second seizure. it's a trap.
|
171130
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
here's a reason to blow certain people off when they call you on the phone: when talking to them will lead to YOUR HOUSE BEING SET ON FIRE.
|
171201
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
cheetos the size of donuts always make everything better.
|
171202
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some doors only lead to tragedy. especially doors in weirdly empty shopping malls.
|
171203
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a name for what happens when you take a bath and everything goes wrong:
a hellbath.
|
171208
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when your cynical improvised country songs impress waylon jennings, you know you're doing something right.
|
171209
|
|
... |
|
|
epitome of incomprehensibility
|
When Justin Trudeau shows up unexpectedly at my parents' house, he won't accept any chocolates from me because he thinks I'm too young to vote.
|
171211
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one asks you for a doctor's note anymore when you ask to be excused from school or work. now the hip thing is getting your doctor to write a blog post confirming whatever medical issue you claim to have.
|
171211
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some skunks are convinced they're dogs.
|
171213
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Are you writing a story? Do you have a character who's a visual artist but bad at writing? Clearly, her name should be Floss Writelesser.
Also, it's hard to make friends with a fish, but I'll try.
|
171214
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
things you should not do:
1. confront a demon in a stairwell
2. stay up until three in the morning watching basketball on your computer
3. put a cassette tape back in a tape deck that already threatened to chew it up once but mercifully spat it back out as a warning
4. quit a cushy job and insult your boss on your way out using some random office pens as the catalyst for an insult
5. tempt fate by rewinding a helicopter crash you were lucky enough to survive so you can experience it again, knowing it won't quite be the same the second time around
6. investigate the green feet of a cadaver who wasn't fortunate enough to survive said helicopter crash
7. sing with bruce springsteen live with no rehearsal
|
171215
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
putting down fresh pavement is nice and all, but it's probably not a great idea to carry the work over to the inside of the dishwasher.
|
171216
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you're hanging out with the drummer from queen and you're both down to your last ten dollars, the last thing you should be thinking about is buying shoes.
|
171218
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a whole hidden science to making hot dogs at four in the morning.
|
171219
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sean connery can convince you of anything he wants. especially when he's kayaking.
|
171221
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sing doors songs in the bathtub at your own risk.
|
171223
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one wins when you fight over lettuce.
|
171224
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
christopher plummer is not an easy guy to impress when you're living on borrowed time in another man's body.
|
171225
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's nice to join another creative writing class, but it's always awkward refusing the token European girl's festive dish of pig poop.
|
171227
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a half-full jug of orange juice in a grocery store will never have a price tag on it. and that's just tragic.
|
180101
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
bono would be so much more endearing if he stopped running his mouth off to the press and just ran around onstage screaming about peanut butter or coconuts or something.
|
180102
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
don't go to the casino; you will lose and the machine will shred your voucher of losing when you try to get back the small change you wanted to keep
|
180104
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
making a joke about what might have happened in the 1870s just doesn't work as a pickup line anymore.
|
180105
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's a strange thing to process when you learn both you and your doppelganger are "variants", and neither one is the original version of you. especially strange when you feel pretty authentic and like the only you there ever was. at a time like that, all you can really do is beat up the alternate version of yourself to assert your dominance.
|
180106
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
without a nose, vince vaughn kind of looks like a very tall owl.
|
180108
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The best-smelling employee gets promoted first.
|
180110
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
obama is just like everyone else
(too bad he chose to make the rich richer and let the banks kick people out of their homes)
|
180112
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's not easy finding good homes for 28 kittens.
|
180113
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The final standoff in an avant-garde movie involves the villain stabbing himself and the hero comforting him by saying, "Maybe you won't bleed to death. Maybe you'll starve instead. You haven't eaten in over a year."
|
180113
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Oh yes, and then there's the henchwoman who repents. As a reminder of her crimes, she'll have severe acne on one cheek.
|
180113
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A man is reluctant to talk about his first wife's past: she was a limited linear function, a line on an algebra graph. When the line stopped she died.
(Waking mind adds pun: at least she wasn't a statistic.)
|
180116
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in "CSI: NUS" — yet another spin-off — sylvester stallone stars as an au pair who has a twin brother from whom he's estranged. played by daniel stern (marv from "home alone"), he's an evil criminal mastermind. he also looks nothing at all like his supposed twin. once a year they have a three-hour phone conversation that always leaves sly shaken and in need of talk therapy.
no one knows what the "NUS" stands for. i don't think it's the national university of singapore.
|
180120
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
any cop can be bribed when a public swimming pool that's meant to double as an animal sanctuary is involved.
|
180124
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
for whatever reason, asking someone how they feel about witches in the middle of sex is a total mood-killer.
|
180125
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
food brochures you get in the mail aren't just junk mail; they're a form of thought control, trying to tempt you to consume more.
|
180128
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I turn evil and push a woman into the hellfire that the metro runs on, it will turn into water and she won't be hurt. She'll just turn into a type of Play-Doh with beads that will return to human form when dried.
|
180129
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when my "idiot socks" sing a song asking me what i want to be, i write a chorus that goes, "greater than the sum of my parts."
|
180130
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a handy cane is not a hand-shaped candy cane, but rather an awkward handshake/dance you do after encountering someone you don't really want to talk to but aren't angry enough to shun altogether.
|
180201
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
singing opera with lebron james is more fun (and more pleasing to the ears) than you might expect.
|
180202
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
r&b singers with impossible-to-remember names will steal your heart every time.
|
180203
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some people are very apologetic about not having perfect teeth "at the intersection of mystery and lunch".
|
180208
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
time makes cookies toxic. at least it does if the cookies in question are "korean chocolate" and upwards of thirty years old.
|
180213
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
money turns some people into sadistic fitness trainers.
|
180216
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the island of misfit racists is not a place you want to visit.
|
180221
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a person who can duplicate themselves at will to act as their own group of backup singers ... now that's someone to keep an eye on.
|
180222
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I'm losing consciousness due to "electric burn" I'll rescue my phone and falling-apart backpack before I black out.
|
180224
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in moments of distress, it can be of some comfort to remind yourself you know how to recite the alphabet in french.
|
180225
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
my dad told me my mom had gotten engaged to ray romano.
|
180226
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When my parents buy a small cottage off my aunt's property, they don't appreciate my remodeling ideas along the lines of: "Let's put these shelves here, and instead of books, we can put products on them and start a store. And I can sell my bead products on this table."
They don't like my zeal for industry, because they prefer using it to have people over to dinner. You don't make a store in a dinner cottage.
|
180226
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
people in the real world are just like characters in books: they need a good writer to supply them with dialogue, invest them with depth, and give them direction. otherwise they wander through grocery stores with no purpose and degenerate into mindless insect-eating husks.
|
180227
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
tom waits + morgan freeman singing a duet = instant gravitas.
|
180301
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
regardless of how little it resembles a cigar, a pen in my mouth makes me feel like groucho marx.
|
180305
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'm worried that the melting, silver-glowing metallic substance I've been playing with is radioactive. It solidifies at the touch of a powerful magnet into a sort of nail shape.
But it's not cesium, it's silicone, and I should KNOW that kind of thing already, my boss says.
|
180306
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's not fair to bring psychic powers into a dance-off.
|
180307
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i love cats and all, but if you threaten to remove my brain and transplant it into the body of a cat, you're probably going to get some pretty strong resistance.
|
180310
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
david crosby and graham nash putting their differences aside long enough to present shania twain with an award while dressed like her in skimpy silver dresses ... that's a strange sight to behold.
|
180314
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's warm right now in Casablanca, but I don't know if it's really Casablanca: it's on the movie set, where things are kept black and white.
|
180314
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A dream_object - an old tin of wooden game pieces - represents a series of different but related morals; one of them is "Usually follow the rules, but not always."
|
180315
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Don't bring me to the hardware store with the entertainment section or I'll get addicted to the videogame "Sega's Legend of Zelda".
(The dream gave it a lot of details. The friend characters are all ponies, modeled after My Little Pony, and the game is a long narrative sort that rewards both reading comprehension in the decision questions and fast clicking in the action sequences.)
|
180318
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
And from yesterday: "America's Funniest Home Videos" has a segment where people burn embarrassing VHS tapes. In fact, the main draw of the show these days is seeing people set things on fire.
|
180318
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some teachers want to turn a request to go to the bathroom into a philosophical discussion. those are the teachers you want to avoid talking to while doodling with silver and gold gel pens.
|
180319
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
be careful who you present an "honesty bench" to. not everyone is willing to tell the truth from a seated position.
|
180322
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
giving a monkey a hammer doesn't guarantee a carpenter. you might just get a monkey who hits you repeatedly with a hammer.
|
180324
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a musical number called "try not to stab yourself in the shoulder" may be educational, but it isn't the sort of thing the producers of a children's television show are looking for.
|
180325
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
patrick stewart possesses not just one penis, but a series of penises: one for every mood and occasion. it would be unsettling if he wasn't such a benevolent presence.
|
180330
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
What do you do if a pharmacist gives you oversized pills you don't want? Imagine a bench into existence, lie on it, and cry.
|
180331
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
the heart pays attention even when you are sleeping
delves deep into recesses
you hide access to when awake
|
180406
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Real-life emojis are heavy. I have to rescue a teenage girl who brought emoji balloons into a swimming pool and started sinking under their weight.
|
180406
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a reason every single unattended dog in some city that could be new_york responds without fail and becomes your new best friend when you ask them if they want to go east with you, and it's not because they all want to travel. it's because when you say "east" what they hear you saying is "eat".
|
180406
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
stereolab made "lounge music for a century we won't live to see".
|
180407
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The jelly candy buffet is about $26, which is just cruel.
|
180411
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a slow-rising flood is the worst kind, because it gives you plenty of time to ruminate on everything you're going to lose if you aren't able to get it out of your house and transferred to some dry, safe space.
|
180412
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
things you never said in interviews that were never conducted will come back to haunt you at the strangest times.
|
180414
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when your mother threatens you with a gun, you can always kiss her to throw her off.
|
180416
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I discover I'm about to marry someone I don't know, my first worry is: "For the wedding I'll have to shave my legs and I don't have time right now."
|
180416
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
contrary to popular belief, pickle water isn't quite the grossest beverage in the world. at least not when it's home-brewed by peter falk.
|
180421
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
effective voyeurism cannot exist in a world ruled by paranoia.
|
180424
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a con artist's temporary redemption is always just around the corner.
|
180427
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in a world where protest music has been outlawed, you can always steal a cow.
|
180429
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's difficult to reprogram an evil robot to offer help to those in need when it has no concept of what it is to be helpful.
|
180504
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
all a skittish-but-friendly dog really needs to turn their life around is a canine dietician.
|
180507
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
whatever you do, do not descend the red ladder. it isn't safe.
|
180513
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
At a garage sale, I can find a boxed collection of all the movies from the 1990s that contain scenes where a bee stings somebody. There are at least 20.
|
180514
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
pro tip: if you wake up to find someone in your house you don't especially want to speak to, fake a spontaneous wrist injury. works every time.
|
180524
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I join an online dating site, it's all text and it looks like an Excel sheet. Also, everyone on it lives too far away.
|
180525
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
learning you've only got one week left of gradually-fading sight in one eye will do some strange things to you. if you're me, the knowledge will cause you to take on the form of a famous female tennis player for a short time.
|
180603
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If you stare at the moon long enough, it will turn into a snowflake or pinwheel shape and start spinning clockwise. It takes more concentration to make it spin counterclockwise.
|
180604
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there was a time when a harmonica solo in a folk song was little more than an intellectual exercise.
|
180604
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
unethical video editors will always find a way to persevere.
|
180606
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
what the cavs really need right now is to infuse some femininity into their starting lineup. that's what golden state doesn't have an answer for, and what can turn this one-sided series around.
|
180608
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a break-in can never be friendly, no matter how approachable the criminals may look.
|
180626
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you'd think the services of professional piano movers would be necessary to move a piano, but no. a single person, possessed with enough spite, can move a piano all by themselves.
|
180627
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The winning entry of an art contest will be the painting depicting a beaded tapestry, not the tapestry itself.
|
180628
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The winning entry of an art contest will be the painting depicting a beaded tapestry, not the tapestry itself.
|
180628
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The winning entry of an art contest will be the painting depicting a beaded tapestry, not the tapestry itself.
|
180628
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The winning entry of an art contest will be the painting depicting a beaded tapestry, not the tapestry itself.
|
180628
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The winning entry of an art contest will be the painting depicting a beaded tapestry, not the tapestry itself.
|
180628
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The winning entry of an art contest will be the painting depicting a beaded tapestry, not the tapestry itself.
|
180628
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
What in the what what what what what. That's what I get with a slow computer. Sorry about that, and just pretend it was a haiku-like creature.
|
180628
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
getting drunk is fun and games until people start puking up fully-formed eggs.
|
180704
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
given enough thought, the peeling and separating of an orange can seem as violent as dismembering a human body.
|
180711
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
as album titles go, you could do better than "a pretty taste of off poison".
|
180716
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
My boss says not to wear purple and blue together; if you do, "you look like you come from Uganda."
I want to ask him what's wrong with Uganda, but he clarifies, "I mean, if you're being filmed, it's very hard for the camera to tell blue and purple apart."
|
180719
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when people write poems in my honour, they're always short. i'm talking "gives new meaning to the term 'micro poetry'" short.
example:
"always giving
bienvenue"
that's it. that's the whole poem.
at least it's bilingual. so it's got that going for it.
|
180731
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
improvised speeches about spaghetti will always win the respect of a hostile audience.
|
180801
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
mel gibson has considered suicide twice, but decided against going through with it both times because he doesn't want to "disenfranchise" his children.
|
180806
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When Giorgio Armani writes a pop song called "Boyfriend," it's considered widely applicable. Christian camps play it as a worship song because "it sounds more loving than usual songs," an East Asian woman explains. A reporter who shows a picture of Armani as a young blond man wonders whether he's gay or straight; Armani says "either one, in the abstract; I can be anyone's boyfriend."
|
180808
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Not a new dream, but about the last one - Wikipedia says "Armani is an intensely private man, but has publicly identified as bisexual."
I feel oddly vindicated. It's like my mind making up what I thought was an imaginary French verb in another dream (nier) and then learning it meant "to deny" (raze knew or looked this up).
Mind you, I could have read both things somewhere (Armani being bisexual, nier being a French word) and then forgotten. And in another dream I was quite sure "Aerotahn" was the German word for airplane, but this wasn't true in real life (though I comment my mind for airlifting an Autobahn and shifting its letters around).
|
180813
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"comment" was supposed to be "commend," silly me
...It's hard enough to convince someone there's a ghost around, but harder to convince them I'm not afraid of this ghost ("She's just an invisible person carrying groceries; what's scary about that?")
Also, ghosts are invisible people.
|
180814
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even someone who hates billy joel can appreciate some of the deep album cuts that never got any radio airplay. especially after you threaten to eat their face.
|
180818
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
how to pay proper tribute to someone who has just died in a big-budget action sequence: hang them upside_down from an overhead power line, amputate their hands, and somehow remove every discernible feature from their face without making a single mark or leaving any evidence the now-blank flesh-coloured canvas ever was a face.
|
180821
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
only gabrielle union can put a biased country boy judge in his place in front of a packed courtroom and get away with it.
|
180822
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you attempt to stage a one-person intervention for an alcoholic who really doesn't want to stop drinking, be prepared for him to hire a group of troubled teenagers to throw footballs at your house in retaliation.
|
180823
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I don't need to feel guilty about not buying anything from the friendly middle-aged women who has a booth selling bundles of cheap pyjamas. Turns out she's a wealthy political mastermind who's willing to kill her personal pilot squad in order to collect insurance money on the helicopters.
|
180824
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"the germans are coming" is a phrase no one wants to hear, even in a cartoon.
|
180824
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there is one true weapon you can wield against encroaching senility, and that's impromptu free jazz saxophone. it's more effective than shooting at an olive plant with an antique pistol, at least.
|
180825
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a rhino is really just a silky elephant.
|
180827
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one ever wants to give you a free television just because. there's always some sinister plot at work.
|
180904
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
at some point, the variety of hairstyles available to people will be condensed and organized according to decade. "the sixties" will be especially fetching.
|
180909
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
people just don't appreciate being squirted in the arm with lemon juice anymore. it's a sad situation.
|
180915
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
someone could be filming a moody black_and_white documentary about you right now. everyone's a filmmaker these days.
|
180923
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's one thing to give a speech naked, another to discover that tentacles have grown from the flesh around your nipples and are whirling in circles like something out of a cyriak* video.
*digital artist who makes surreal animations out of photos; you can find his stuff on YouTube
|
180926
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I have a job sorting online index cards into categories. According to one of them, "pregnancy insurance" is only offered if the pregnant person has had less than 3 miscarriages and the pregnancy is not the result of incest or rape.
This distracts me from my sorting job; I think, "Okay, I get that the company doesn't want to lose money on risky pregnancies but this is SO UNFAIR! I can't believe it's real."
...Waking up determined it was, in fact, unreal, though probably inspired by the "pre-existing condition" BS that plagues American health insurance.
|
180926
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm J.R.R. Tolkien, it's because Einstein reset the universe. (More about this in dream_movie.)
|
180926
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
You've heard of stereotypical lesbian haircuts? Well, now there's also stereotypically lesbian ways to trim the top of a head of lettuce that's morphed into a Christmas tree. (Now, the person holding this lettuce-turned-Christmas-tree cuts below that, so clearly she's not a lesbian.)
|
180928
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even satan himself is vulnerable to the charms of a charismatic teenage hoarder.
|
180930
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you're never outnumbered as long as robert duvall is in your posse. even when you literally are outnumbered.
|
181001
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when given a choice of which twin sister to date, of course i'm going to choose the twin who turns out to have an issue not with sleepwalking, but very aggressive sleepRUNNING.
|
181002
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
they say time waits for no one. what they don't tell you: time is also impossible to hide from. he rides around in a big truck, and no matter where you hide, he'll always find you.
time is not a very fun guy.
|
181003
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a cult is only as good as its dress code.
|
181007
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
harmonica thieves hide in plain sight.
|
181008
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a basset hound using a pay phone will never let a stranger hear what he has to say.
|
181011
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a cucumber is a useful clue when you're trying to guess the identity of someone whose face has been blacked out in old family photos.
|
181012
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
In the golden age of cinema, the female equivalent of a cowboy is a "carabelle."
|
181015
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
cast aside projections and expectations
|
181016
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's something both peaceful and hilarious about the sight of someone who's fallen into a deep sleep while taking a dump.
|
181016
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
before he was known as the joker, in his early days of aspiring to be a villain, the man who would one day be batman's chief nemesis was calling himself "the pleasure".
as you can imagine, this wasn't a pseudonym that struck fear into the hearts of his adversaries.
|
181022
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I buy lipstick from a craft fair vendor even though I don't really want to, she might just write me a thoughtful critique of one of my stories.
(No idea how she got the story, though.)
|
181022
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
another activity that isn't recommended:
doing handstands on a pool table.
|
181028
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
jell-o, much like an animal, isn't always genuine.
(i have no idea what that's supposed to mean, but the lesson was very clear.)
|
181029
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
people from my past have an odd habit of popping up as drug store employees.
|
181030
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"meet me in the parking lot" is always an invitation to fight, no matter who it's coming from.
|
181101
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
For some reason the German tourist industry thinks that people want to see "luxury toilets" in travel ads. And luxury toilets are prone to frog infestations.
|
181106
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when i'm the best ball handler on the basketball team, you know we're in deep shit.
|
181109
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
At first, Beyonce and Jay-Z's "private Instagram" seems heartwarming, until I see the post detailing their fetish of vomiting on each other's knees.
|
181110
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A "feminist gym" is one that has a mezzanine. What else would it mean?
|
181114
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if a very small dog swallows a lunchbox that's almost as big as they are, and that lunchbox contains an unopened bottle of beer, digestion is going to be ... interesting.
|
181122
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when tasked with selecting a song for my choir to sing (because apparently in the dreamworld i sing in a choir), i won't choose anything obscure, cool, or witty. i'll go straight to james taylor and "shower the people". tucked into my reasoning will be the thought that no one else will want to sing the lead part, so i'll likely be saddled with it myself.
of course, once everyone gets their bearings, what we'll end up singing instead — with no explanation — is an otherworldly half-improvised take on bon iver's "skinny love".
|
181127
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a ruler has no autonomy; it needs your hand.
|
181204
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Adding a giant Transformers robot to a WW1 battle doesn't lighten the atmosphere - it just provides one more thing that could crush me to death.
|
181204
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when looking for cover in the middle of a gunfight, the legs of a pool table aren't going to be much help.
|
181211
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
To make Jane Austen's book Mansfield Park follow the title pattern of her two most famous novels (Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility), a publisher decided to rename it "The Eraser and the Broom."
This seemed very smart to my dream mind.
|
181222
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(The title was possibly influenced by a newish Irish book I read this fall called The Mark and the Void.)
|
181222
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
my dad interviewed john lennon back in the mid-1970s for an independent newspaper that went under before any of his transcribed material could be published. so there are dozens of typewritten pages of lennon in conversation during one of the more interesting periods of his life, and none of the stuff has ever been released to the public.
(THREE separate dreams ended the second i was about to start reading those "lost" interviews. argh. i guess the lesson here is, "the subconscious can be a real prankster sometimes.")
|
181222
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the house band in hell has a pretty cushy gig, just as long as satan isn't displeased by anything he hears during the soundcheck.
|
190101
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Some human-sized fairies don't just have wings, but they also spontaneously generate extra clothes. Cynical humans like me might tell them to turn their gift into a business, but they prefer to give the clothes away for free.
|
190109
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in the inescapable house called "ready or not" you either end up stuck in the closet of the master bedroom, surrounded by darkness, pressing against an impenetrable unseen wall, or else you wind up in the bathroom nailing tacks into the sink faucets, and all that's going to do is make the tubas sound crunchier.
|
190117
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some rabbits are thoughtful enough to hold a plastic shopping bag for you to aim at when you want to practice your jump shot and there's no basketball hoop in the area. they'll even move closer to help you out if your shot keeps falling short.
|
190122
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when things are going wrong, there's always a chance 1970s tony bennett will show up in your garage to sing to you about your life.
|
190124
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
rufus wainwright doesn't respond well to lyric-writing suggestions, even when he himself has solicited them.
|
190130
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'll get a bad mark on an essay if my thesis sounds too happy. Successful essays require a certain grimness.
|
190203
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
throwing handfuls of tuna salad at someone you dislike is probably not the best way to cause them harm.
|
190215
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I get lost in Montreal North, I might accidentally cross the Canada-Guatemala border, and then I'll be worried I can't cross the border back, since I don't have my passport. (Said border looks suspiciously like a row of turnstiles in a Montreal metro station.)
HOWEVER! A kind gentleman has just gone to the dentist, and he lends me a copy of his tooth X-rays. See, it turns out that tooth X-rays are an acceptable substitute for passports when crossing national borders, and the guards don't bother to check if they show your own teeth or someone else's.
|
190216
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it isn't clear what role he plays in "whale sauce 2", but paul rudd is definitely in the movie.
it does seem odd that he would be voted "everyone's favourite geriatric" when he's only 49.
|
190217
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when navigating a series of tripping hazards, trying to prevent someone from falling is a pretty effective way to get them to fall for you.
(very_punny, no?)
|
190305
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
early in their career, R.E.M. released a fascinating eight-song EP called "bicycle stories" (or something like that). the trick is, the deeper you dig to find it, the less it seems to exist, and what little information you were able to uncover in the beginning seems to fade away. i can only remember one song title now ("hell, texas"), along with a strange low-budget animated music video featuring michael stipe rapping about the unpredictability of what's on the screen.
|
190308
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A gossipy article on the extramarital affairs of a minor celebrity is titled "Days of Sex and Dandelions."
It doesn't live up to its title, which a pun on the story Days of Wine and Dandelions.
|
190309
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when everyone becomes swarms of insects inhabiting strange balloons, the only way to remind them who they once were is through their dreams.
|
190317
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
for someone who never learned to drive, i can handle sharp turns pretty well, just as long as i'm in some sort of danger.
|
190405
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
rihanna has reached a new creative low, shamelessly recycling the vocal melody for "three blind mice" on a new song called "U & AI, U & AOL".
|
190415
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an evil anthropomorphic steak can only be killed with a steak knife. oddly enough, no amount of hurling random coins at its head will do any good.
|
190509
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
eating chinese food can never be simple.
|
190531
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
inquiring minds want to know: what's your parents' belgian weight training team?
|
190628
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
celebrities enjoy preferential treatment for two main reasons: plastic surgery and complacency.
|
190629
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are less pleasant things than getting an injection straight into your liver, but i'd still suggesting avoiding it if at all possible.
|
190701
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
(that's right. i'd still suggesting. i would also remembering, but then i'd forgetify.)
|
190701
|
|
... |
|
|
macquaria
|
After my Dad passes away he visits me in a dream - we are outside on a grotty northern shopping street sat on a bench with my Mum. He is ever so slightly in grey scale. He looks at me without saying anything and my Mum shows me what she has taken out of his pocket. We look at what seems to be a solid metal webcam which weighs as much as a mini vice and I look at my Dad and he meets my eyes yet still says nothing, a calm smile on his face.
As I know my Dad always had the right tools for everything, I can only assume that we must need this to Skype in the afterlife.
Thanks Dad!
|
190706
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in the event of an apocalyptic happening, i'll have a hell of a time trying to decide on only twenty or so albums to bring with me to listen to for the rest of my life in whatever skeletal version of the world still exists. it won't be made easier by the discovery that someone has stolen all my aphex twin CDs.
|
190706
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when your life becomes a video game, every villain you've ever wronged will remember you no matter how much time has passed.
|
190709
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if the blob under your bed is in love with you and it won't take no for an answer, you can always fight love with salt. nothing immobilizes a lovelorn monster like a salt shaker.
|
190818
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an attic that was once a thriving casino but is now decrepit and serves as a direct route to the ocean apparently fills me with unease.
|
191013
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
contrary to van morrison's assertions, it's NOT always an appropriate night for a moondance.
|
191029
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i am gwen stefani's puppet master.
(i know ... it surprised me too.)
|
191107
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it doesn't matter how many times it happens, or how much of a clichéd telltale sign it is that you're dreaming. a light switch not cooperating with me will never tip me off. it'll just frustrate and confuse me.
|
191108
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sean connery's doppelganger is personable enough, but he doesn't like to pay for his own meals.
|
191119
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
megaphones have a way of appearing when you need them most. also, it's difficult to sleep when someone is singing underneath your bed.
|
200129
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
i wish jack black and i could have a real-life pizza party
|
200130
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some people are more articulate when they talk in their sleep than they are when they're awake.
|
200203
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
everything is music.
|
200219
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
crumbs are easy to mistake for cocaine when they're in close proximity to the nostrils.
|
200319
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"What makes scary music scary" is a legitimate topic of study for a linguistics class, because language is a kind of music.
...Also you might be perfectly aware you're dreaming because you know that class wouldn't meet in person in the covid_19 crisis, but you'll still take notes in case the notebook will make the leap from the dream world to real life. And you'll forget how to pronounce Penderecki (it's like Penderetsky - pesky Polish pronunciation, pah).
|
200403
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(oh, the link is to covid19)
me with the spaces
off to the races
listenin' to Lana del Rey
(and Penderecki)
|
200403
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
being held on david byrne's lap like an oversized child isn't so strange when you're having a discussion about bodies.
|
200409
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
if you own a trailer with a specific location painted on the side, you will have no choice but to drive to that location when you stay in the trailer
|
200409
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you ever end up at a restaurant called "picked & dried", you'll want to try the pepperoni wing sandwich. it's quite a popular dish. has a bit of a kick to it, though.
|
200414
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Free food in libraries will distract me from seeking loved ones who've fled from grumpy librarians (see "guilt").
When I wake up and see the face of a man in the mirror, I don't trust myself to look at my own body. Instead I think, "If take a photo of myself and it turns out to be ME, I'll know the mirror isn't telling the truth." But when I go downstairs to find my phone I'm distracted by books.
|
200415
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(The 2nd one was kind of distressing because I was SUPPOSED to be me. It wasn't the kind of dream where I'm someone else. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought, "Huh, is this what trans people feel like?" but maybe gender wasn't the main point.)
|
200415
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a table top is a musical instrument. don't let anyone tell you any different.
|
200502
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A new version of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" has the line "sarin and semolina."
I suppose it should be "semolina, sarin..." to fit more with the rhythm.
|
200504
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the ultimate over-the-phone insult: pouring beer on a book that belongs to the person you're speaking to.
|
200508
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'm about to write an earnest comment in a forum about how Canada has never really come to terms with its crimes against indigenous people.
But that seems too complicated, so I just write: "You know what would be really cool? If you recycled stained glass windows to make pool tables!"
|
200519
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
dionne warwick and robert redford make for a strange romantic pairing.
|
200526
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The best place to plant strawberries? The floor of an old car.
|
200529
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you shouldn't give someone unsolicited grapes unless you're sure their parents are pro-botanical berry.
|
200603
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
people need to stop being so paranoid about interacting with cigarette-smoking dogs.
|
200606
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I and my new friends Jenny and Jessie are raising awareness about an important environmental issue: young women need to stop designing cosmetics and accessories for frogs and turtles, who don't need them.
Jenny and Jessie tease me about having a "My Little Pony" email address, but they agree that the show is a more harmless pastime than one that pollutes the water and kills sea creatures.
|
200608
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
even one's subconscious can miss one's ex...
|
200608
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you know times are hard when people start snorting sections of toy necklaces in the absence of conventional illicit stimulants.
|
200618
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'm growing a berry called "traitor fruit" that looks like a miniature red pepper and tastes like raspberries.
There's a whole story about how it came to be associated with treachery, but I don't remember that part.
|
200620
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'm trying to decide whether my significant other is going to break up because I ditched a date with him to visit a McGill professor in a hospital when it turns out I don't actually know this professor.
Clearly, the place to look for clues is a footnote to one of his academic articles, which goes something like "Although I take a more secular viewpoint, I can't help being influenced by the school of Jewish film philosophers that includes the noted [e_o_i]..."
This doesn't answer my question and I'm neither Jewish nor a film philosopher, but it makes me feel better.
(Is there an INTP impulse to treat a relationship as an academic exchange as well as a friendship? I'm teasing. And wordy. Apologies if either is in excess.)
|
200621
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Gah. Break up WITH ME. Not break up, as in dissolving into small particles or something.
|
200621
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The best way to escape household chores as a teenager: remove a window and fly away to the park.
|
200624
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A paradise/utopia won't give you a permanent feeling of ecstasy, because that's not sustainable. Instead, the moments of ecstasy are to be recalled in contentment.
...This is a lesson, my thoughts on which are:
-Will this help me reconcile myself to the Christian idea of heaven?
-Ecstasy means looking into people's eyes. And orgasms. But looking into someone's eyes won't give you an orgasm, because that would be awkward.
|
200625
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Oh, and then:
Madeleine L'Engle's writing is best personified as a scrap of yarn held between the thumb and forefinger. It's soft and, if you look at it, colourful.
|
200625
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(OK, but I mean "embodied" not "personified." A scrap of yarn is not, in fact, a person.)
|
200625
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when your cat finds a way to get herself stuck inside of a roll of toilet paper, there's no way it's going to end well.
|
200626
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
You know someone is a foodie when he says, "I don't like how this restaurant serves pad thai all mixed together. The pad and the thai are supposed to be separate."
|
200626
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some millipedes are retractable snakes.
|
200715
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
J.K. Rowling spreading prejudice against trans people, so the detectives in the mystery show Vienna Blood think she's a murderer (it's actually someone else).
|
200717
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'm missing a verb above.
But also: When I can't find the right section of the massive choir I'm supposed to sing in, I pretend I'm part of Swedish metal group Sabaton - but no one buys that.
|
200717
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I don't understand why I'm on a train in my pyjamas, but it's better not to panic.
|
200719
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm forced to teach a class I'm not prepared for, it's a relief when all four students get tired and want to end it early.
|
200722
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Despite the covid19 restrictions on international travel, I'm allowed to visit part of Hawaii because it belongs to the Toronto Zoo.
|
200724
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"spoken-for" is another term for "legal guardian", apparently. as in, "i'll be his spoken-for."
|
200730
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A woman with bobbed pink hair won an award for best punk album, though she's been more into hippie/folk music for two years.
People misunderstood the hair as aggressive rather than peaceful, since it's before the days when dramatic dyed hair was common.
Oh yeah: she's a composite of Joan Jett and Joan Baez and it's also 1959 somehow.
|
200805
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The 3rd common kind of tea besides green and black is called Galicia Tea, not Galatia Tea.
|
200818
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Also:
I'm not too surprised when I have to retake my last year of high school, but it does confuse me a little that I have to pass a calculus class in order to retain my family's title in the British nobility.
|
200818
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"Lycanthropy is not the problem."
Of all the things I have to worry about, werewolves are not among them.
|
200925
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"Schoenberg was greatly influenced by Mozart, because Austria."
|
200926
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the future is a soap-free zone, with only coin-operated wet wipe dispensers to remind us of the good old days.
|
201023
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can make lasagne with spaghetti noodles, but no one's really sure what such a concoction is supposed to be called. laghetti? spasagne?
|
201026
|
|
... |
|
|
cocoon
|
Spasagne for sure
|
201026
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one person's meaningless old soccer ball is another person's lifeline, or at least it can be when you're teaching yourself basketball fundamentals.
|
201027
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some car stereos are demonic. those are the ones you need to worry about. when the CD player starts spitting out endless copies of the same few albums, you've just said goodbye to the rest of your day.
|
201028
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
all you need to reattach a severed limb is a sewing needle and some thread.
|
201030
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you don't cut it yourself, and you don't own it, you have no business calling it yours.
(so said a snippy hairdresser.)
|
201104
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you find yourself back in school and you're late for class, you can always contrive a physical altercation with a knife-brandishing defrocked priest to serve as an excuse for your tardiness.
|
201105
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it might not be as meaningful as giving you the shirt off their back, but someone offering you the last of their baking soda is still a pretty thoughtful gesture, especially when you're just going to use it to disguise ill-gotten dog food and dilute your cocaine.
|
201109
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
poets tend to be more sympathetic than most to the plight of the tired and overheated.
|
201110
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
dressing up as a bearded witch for halloween is all well and good until people start assuming it isn't a costume at all.
|
201112
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when dealing with a psychotic cardboard-brandishing assailant, the impromptu singing of a david_bowie song just might be your best shot at freedom.
|
201113
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes when there's an evil holographic giant stomping through your house and making it rain in your living room, all you really want is to eat a good sandwich for lunch.
|
201116
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a home away from home can become just as meaningful to you as the house you live in, especially when you stand to lose it over a bizarre misunderstanding involving a photograph that doesn't exist.
|
201204
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when death is a foregone conclusion, you can always write a message of love on a map of the world.
|
201205
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes a chest freezer is also an acoustic piano. good luck keeping one of those things in tune.
|
201208
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Sometimes a couple comes into my parents' house and dances on the stairs, singing about how rice and beans give them diarrhea.
|
201218
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When a craft fair vendor follows me to the kitchen and "accidentally" squeezes my butt, I "accidentally" spill water on him, complete with a fake "I'm sorry."
His look of profound disappointment is not because I don't like being molested by strangers in kitchens, or because cold water is annoying, but because he feels my response is stereotypical. That's the reason for the sadness in his voice as he asks, "Did you just spill water on me?"
|
210112
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
seeing a youtube video embedded in a blathe is unsettling for so many reasons.
|
210130
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
tuesday is always the coldest day of the week. it's one of the unwritten laws of the universe.
|
210201
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
believe it or not, a website named "montana momma" is NOT a useful data extraction tool.
|
210203
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the food you make might not tell the whole story of your life, but the same can't be said of the food you draw with sidewalk chalk.
|
210204
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if someone really loves you, they'll sprinkle parmesan on your pancetta. i think that's a metaphor for something, but i couldn't say for sure.
|
210205
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you define yourself by what you do when life throws a series of curve balls at you that break your jaw.
|
210207
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you can bond with someone who's no longer living through the desk they chose to make their workspace, but only on a surface level. there are no secrets to be mined from a desk without drawers.
|
210208
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you're lost, all you need is for a magic house to come to life on an unfamiliar street and fly you back home.
|
210209
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a single plum can contain the entire emotional arc of your relationship with someone.
|
210210
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
just because you're dead it doesn't mean the people you cared about can't still screw everything up for you.
|
210211
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's possible to be so stunned by someone's beauty that you faint at the sight of them and then regain consciousness with eyes that are a different colour from the eyes you had before you fainted.
|
210217
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
of course the one time i need my glasses in a dream is when i want to assay the faces of strangers while getting drunk.
|
210218
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The sign on the exit of the 20 highway leading to my parents' house has been changed to read "William Buckley Jr."
(Apparently my mind wasn't inventing things because there was a real well-known person with this name, though I've no idea where I heard of him.)
|
210223
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The sign on the exit of the 20 highway leading to my parents' house has been changed to read "William Buckley Jr."
(Apparently my mind wasn't inventing things because there was a real well-known person with this name, though I've no idea where I heard of him.)
|
210223
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The sign on the exit of the 20 highway leading to my parents' house has been changed to read "William Buckley Jr."
(Apparently my mind wasn't inventing things because there was a real well-known person with this name, though I've no idea where I heard of him.)
|
210223
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The sign on the exit of the 20 highway leading to my parents' house has been changed to read "William Buckley Jr."
(Apparently my mind wasn't inventing things because there was a real well-known person with this name, though I've no idea where I heard of him.)
|
210223
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The sign on the exit of the 20 highway leading to my parents' house has been changed to read "William Buckley Jr."
(Apparently my mind wasn't inventing things because there was a real well-known person with this name, though I've no idea where I heard of him.)
|
210223
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(Why did it appear 5 times????? I only pressed the button once. Sorry about that.)
|
210223
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Need to write a funny speech? You can get a lot of mileage about how small-town Estonia is nothing, NOTHING compared to the cities of Middle Earth.
|
210225
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
an improvised doo-wop song about toxic masculinity and werewolves in love will only really start to matter when it's fading away.
|
210226
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a true warrior never hangs up his axe ... unless he feels the need to take a bathroom break in the heat of the battle so he can read a romance novel.
|
210310
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
donald trump just might decide to pursue canadian citizenship so he can become "the first singing prime minister".
|
210311
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's confusing at first, but I'm ultimately glad my two uncles have resolved their differences - by merging into a single person.
|
210323
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When in-person church resumes, I'll refuse to sit next to the tenor in choir I used to have a crush on (not the previous tenor, the later one). His family is too big now and I'm prejudiced; I think they're poor because everyone's white. (Sure, my family and I are white, but we're only four people, so it's less noticeable.)
|
210325
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
of all the games of chance you can blow your money on, feeding an insane amount of money into a futuristic payphone is probably not one of the wisest choices.
|
210402
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every newborn dog is just a rodent in disguise.
|
210403
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's nothing like a length of rope around someone's neck to dissuade them from stealing your coat.
|
210404
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the death of a single potato is all it takes for a fragile alliance to collapse.
|
210407
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I'm entering a draw run by a prof who taught my Literary Surrealism course, I don't need to write my email or phone number. Just my "least favourite Bible chapter."
|
210410
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best way to steal paper money? eating it. even if you don't swallow, chances are the person you've taken the cash from isn't going to want it back after it's all chewed up and spitty.
|
210417
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
having an adopted daughter isn't so bad. especially when she's witty enough to tell you one of your songs "sounds like fiona apple's dog".
|
210419
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"hypertrogophia" is sort of like a phobia, except no one knows what it's a phobia of.
|
210421
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some meat thermometers are really digital barometers that display values completely unrelated to meat.
|
210424
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"nut punch: the movie" is, surprisingly enough, a movie in which two boxers pummel each other with nothing but intentional low blows.
|
210425
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when the walls of your hotel room are bleeding water without explanation, there's only one appropriate response: glam rock.
|
210426
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
my animal adventures are only beginning.
|
210427
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the more you want to focus on someone's face, the blurrier they get.
|
210430
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Describing the grassy slope of a hill that's actually inside a room would make for a poignant and surreal essay, but should I be so confident I can write it?
|
210503
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a giant dog in the sky is a portent of doom. but man, it's just so cute with its tongue hanging out like that.
|
210509
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
male adult film stars make surprisingly helpful cashiers.
|
210509
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
(i didn't mean to do two in one day. oh well.)
|
210509
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
being a human ashtray isn't such a great gig. take it from me.
|
210510
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"Necky" means "cool" and "foundling" means "someone who goes from metaphorical rags to riches by starting a business."
|
210510
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It always takes me a long time to eat shredded wheat soaked in cranberry juice.
|
210513
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
even if my mother is no longer alive in real life, she occasionally lives on in my dreams looking nothing like she actually did.
|
210520
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
interpretive dance is capable of moving me to tears, but only if it involves alicia keys.
|
210521
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"junkies always trust goons because of the roaring of the room."
|
210531
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
My attempts at dirty jokes get a bit...odd: "A penis is like a yellow straw - you have to pull it out of your mouth sideways."
|
210606
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
waves crashing on a beach aren't half as dangerous as waves crashing in a parking lot.
|
210610
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i have to say, i make a pretty good second trombone in an impromptu phys ed. class marching band.
|
210615
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
To curb my teenage self's tendency to throw rocks at windows, my uncle buys me a bow and arrow.
|
210618
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are people who live inside of headboards, or maybe the headboards act as portals into the lives of those people, and some of those people might be related to you, but you'll probably never know it because they all have unusual last names that are nothing like your own.
|
210620
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
straightening a wire hanger isn't such a big deal until you decide to give that wire hanger a voice. then all bets are off.
|
210625
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you need to stall for time before embarking on a dangerous mission, might i suggest getting involved in a phony snoring chorus? it worked for me.
|
210626
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"home alone" makes a surprisingly effective horror film once the latent sadism inherent in kevin mccalister is shown for what it really is.
|
210627
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
avatar_the_montreal_sanskrit_berlin_wall
|
210627
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
don't entrust your handwritten lyrics to anyone who works for the department of transportation. it won't end well.
|
210630
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you find a stranger in your house digging through your son's dresser for the money he's owed, and your reaction is little more than mild interest, chances are you've seen this scene play out many times before and your son is kind of a shithead.
|
210701
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Demonic-looking architecture opens the way to an innocent amusement park, but then when you right a story about it afterwards you forget to cut out the orgy scene before sending it to your Sanskrit professor. (Embarrassing, even if the people involved in the fictional amusement-park sex are clearly adults.)
|
210701
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(The more embarrassing part is that I still mix up right/write. For shame.)
|
210701
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"heat and someone you have a poor relationship history with do strange things to people."
(the grammar is suspect, i know, but i still think the point is made.)
|
210703
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
If I'm in trouble in high school, I can pacify the advisor/counselor by giving her a) a fresh copy of a novel I'd defaced and b) a non-fiction book about linguistics.
See, she studied linguistics before she got tasked with regulating unruly teenagers.
|
210705
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"World-O-Rama" is the name of a make-up-your-own-theme restaurant. I peek in and see a table of people dressed as angels.
|
210709
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"World-O-Rama" is the name of restaurant that changes themes to suit its customers. I peek in and see a table of people dressed as angels, with a devil bartender behind a counter.
|
210709
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(Huh, I thought the first didn't post. Slow Internet, sorry.)
|
210709
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i do not make a very effective assassin for a shadowy palestinian army. i do, however, make a mean strawberry salad.
|
210709
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a chair that doesn't burn when it's set on fire reveals hidden artistic depths.
|
210711
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the key to making great home fries has nothing to do with potatoes, or how you spice them, or how you cook them, or for how long. what you really need to do is contrive a way to fit a whole whale in your oven. not just part of a whale. not most of a whale. only a whale in its entirety will do.
|
210712
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
"Sourdough" is now stinky cheese made in a bucket - but it's okay, I don't have to try any.
|
210712
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
old habits die hard, but old keyboards die very easily.
|
210716
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
punching someone in the face repeatedly is hard work, especially when you keep hitting them with the same hand and they don't seem to take any damage.
|
210719
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
most people wait for a car to slow to a stop when they want to get out of it. not boz scaggs. he opens the door and rolls down the highway like it's no big thing at all, smiling the whole time.
|
210720
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
getting fired doesn't mean you can't abuse company resources and monopolize the printers for your own selfish purposes. in fact, it's almost encouraged.
|
210721
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
replacing quotation marks with em dashes is just as disruptive to my reading experience in dreams as it is in the waking world. i can handle no quotation marks at all. i can handle dialogue rendered in italics. but the long dashes pull me right out of it. in its regular application, the em dash has always been one of my favourite forms of punctuation. i think the problem is seeing it used in a way i would never use it myself, forcing my brain to keep recalibrating when i just want to get on with the reading.
|
210722
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
symmetry is a beautiful thing, and "being the maid" doesn't mean what you think it means.
|
210723
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
My brilliant idea to improve early childhood education?
Just put more writing on walls, low down, where small kids can see it. And math equations too.
|
210723
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
rabbits are shapeshifters. just when you think they're doomed, they find a way to leap through the tie wire of a chain link fence.
|
210724
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you need to be on guard for "one honeyed emergency in your mind".
|
210725
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are two things you need to do if you want to pass mr. merschback's english class:
1. drop to your knees
2. breathe through the tentacles
|
210726
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there is such a place as "the home of god's sacred plasma", but no one really understands what happens there.
|
210727
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a trivia game you invent yourself and that can only be played alone gets pretty boring after a while. not because you know all the answers, but because each answer is only worth three points.
|
210729
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
even when on the run from a stranger who means you harm, it's important to wear the right shirt for the occasion.
|
210730
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
love is dramatic, misinformed, and unspoken. in that order.
|
210731
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i make a pretty inept concession stand attendant, but at least the accent i choose to speak in is interesting.
|
210802
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
dream_conversations:
1) When faced with a homophobic speech therapist, you can win an argument by talking about linguistics.
2) Franz Schubert's music is dangerous mind control and makes people's pupils smaller. Perhaps.
|
210803
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"a lesson in linear exemption" means admiring or observing an environment without imposing yourself upon it in any way.
|
210804
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every once in a great while, violence and music intersect and become impossible to separate.
|
210806
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
building a novelist is a precarious undertaking. you never know just what your protégé is going to write about. there's always the chance they'll reject all your teachings and settle for pumping out self-help books that consist of little more than recycled platitudes and boasts about the size of their muscles.
|
210807
|
|
... |
|
|
tender square
|
when faced with a basement floor filled with a child's toys left soaked after from some sort of pipe failure, i will take the time to to put aside a catwoman polly pocket, setting my sights on finding the tiny figurines to make a complete set for my keeping.
|
210807
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's something called the golden corporation that owns everything now. they've got a pretty nice takeout and delivery menu for a soulless corporation, but they won't cook the food for you. they only do the prep work.
|
210808
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
jeff_tweedy knows about blather. matter of fact, he's written a book about it. or at least he's written the forward. maybe someone else wrote the body of the book. i'm not sure. in any case, jeff lists his favourite 'skites, and his choices promise to shock and delight you.
|
210809
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some folks have a very different conception than my own of what constitutes soup.
|
210810
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there aren't words for how strange it is to see a blathe with a floral background, but there are words ON that blathe, beginning with a contribution from endless_desire.
|
210811
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you'll show, and then you'll know.
|
210812
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"the balsa rule" is both a physical slide ruler that looks like an empty picture frame and an intricate series of endlessly shifting principles related to life_and_death.
|
210813
|
|
... |
|
|
kerry
|
the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
|
210813
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
It's embarrassing when my love for lemons is seen as a sexual fetish. Also, I have to refute the notion that I go to conventions to compare different brands of lemon juice.
I mean, I DO compare different brands of lemon juice, but not at specially dedicated conventions.
|
210813
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
cliff remembers the lyrics for "not to touch the earth" where my memory falters. of course he does.
|
210814
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when i grab, i push out. when i see, i pull in.
|
210815
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when math and fiction combine, all you can do is try to find a pen that works.
|
210817
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some cinephiles hang around parties for the sole purpose of correcting people who mispronounce the last names of famous film directors. seriously. that's all they do. their commitment to the cause is almost impressive.
|
210819
|
|
... |
|
|
kerry
|
if your sun hat ain’t got a string, it’ll fly away
|
210819
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a reason some combinations of words resonate the way they do: they cause the blood sugar level of the reader to rise and fall with a ferocity that mirrors the effect of a powerful psychotropic drug. in fact, words might be more dangerous than any foreign substance, though there isn't enough data yet to form a full understanding of the long-term health effects of chronic powerful reading experiences.
|
210820
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
death is not the end. it's just the beginning of a complicated series of business transactions.
|
210821
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
david_foster_wallace once worked for newdream. in fact, he was one of the very first official 'skites. good look finding him now, though. dude was pretty stealthy about his blathing.
|
210824
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
trenches that appear in the ground in front of you mid-conversation aren't for climbing into. they've been put there to encourage you to deliver hard truths to terminally ill men you've never met before.
|
210825
|
|
... |
|
|
tender square
|
the maenads’ pleasuring ritual is so revealing i clutch my pearls and leave. audre lorde is the only one who asks why i’m disturbed, pushes me to question how their ritual differs from the acts that i’ve witnessed or condoned. the answer is their wedding dresses.
“are they hurting anyone?” she presses and i concede that, no, they are in fact not. audre lorde knows a hell of a lot more about the erotic than i do, so i’ll take her at her word.
|
210826
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Dream_conversations: talking dogs need to be addressed according to their maturity level, not human perceptions of their cuteness.
|
210826
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the worst thing you can do to a bartender is root through his cupboards looking for his home brew.
|
210827
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no guitar ever really wins a guitar fight.
|
210828
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Don't go to the restaurant that offers a puppet show with dinner. It's not just that the children watching it are noisy, but also that you'll end up eating a plastic toy wrapped up in a crepe.
|
210828
|
|
... |
|
|
tender square
|
after being blessed with a preponderance of dreams over the past few weeks, i couldn’t remember a thing for two days in a row and felt like i was suddenly without a map.
before falling asleep last night, i asked my guides to help me remember the images. 11:30 pm: woke up from a dream, wrote that shit down. asked a second time for images and drifted back to sleep. 3:00 am: woke up from another dream, wrote that shit down. asked a third time. 4:30 am: woke up with my final dream, wrote that shit down.
typically, i don’t heavily interpret my dreams; a flash of insight gives me the overall sense of what it’s about and i trust it. but last night’s dreams were inscrutable. after writing nine pages of plots, analysis of the symbols, and interpretations this morning (thanks to robert a. johnson’s “inner work”), i have received three different symbolic variations on the same theme:
“you are exactly where you need to be.”
|
210830
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
wow. that's powerful stuff. a lot of my dreams seem to actively avoid interpretation, but every once in a while something runs right through me and i feel like i'm being taught a life lesson while i'm sleeping. it always amazes me when that happens.
my latest lesson: trying on pictures to see how they fit isn't quite the same as trying on sweaters. but it's pretty close.
|
210830
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when nico wrote lyrics, she used an old typewriter that didn't take paper. all her words moved to the left and then vanished, never to be seen again.
|
210831
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sylvester stallone isn't the best percussionist around, but damnit, he tries. it would be nice if the bangles appreciated his enthusiasm instead of making fun of him after bringing him onstage to play on a song called "tambourine boy".
|
210901
|
|
... |
|
|
kerry
|
if you want a lime peeled properly you have to do it yourself.
|
210901
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
trying to recreate a dream in a later dream doesn't really work, even if the setting is the same. but it just might lead to a strange little high_school reunion.
|
210902
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
everyone is more adept at playing "spider-man vs. the kingpin" than i am. and i mean everyone.
|
210903
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The annoying thing about being part platypus? People always try to get you to raise your hand, just so they can look at it.
(My dream hands have opposable thumbs, but the other fingers are joined together in a mitten-like flipper. I'm tired of being an object of curiosity, though.)
|
210903
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one *really* wants to see "rocky XVII", but that doesn't mean the movie won't get made.
|
210905
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
(almost forgot the tagline: "he can't walk. he can't speak. but he can still punch!")
|
210905
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i have a blue hair tie that possesses miraculous absorbent properties and serves as its own advertisement, complete with a voiceover track. sadly, the hair tie doesn't absorb liquid so well when someone else is watching, and the invisible voiceover artist has some serious performance_anxiety. so you'll have to take my word for it.
|
210906
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the most meaningful apology is the one you deliver in the voice of elmo.
|
210907
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there are quite a few things that live on the list of "things i'd like to see when i step out on the front porch to see if i've got mail", but a huge spider made of stones isn't one of them.
|
210908
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
q: what's the secret to a great electric bass sound?
a: a flat sweatpants drawstring.
|
210909
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it takes a while for a person's nose to come in. that's why you never know what a baby's going to look like when they grow up.
|
210910
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if you're hoping to form a lasting relationship with someone you've just met, it's probably not a great idea to have all your friends cover their furniture with sleepy ants.
|
210911
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's always enough time to watch "the wizard of oz", no matter who or where you are.
|
210914
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the hardest stain to get out is the one that doesn't exist.
|
210915
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when a seemingly straightforward novel turns into a choose_your_own_adventure book without warning, you might find yourself becoming one of the main characters and fearing your own reflection, not knowing what you're going to look like the next time you see yourself.
|
210916
|
|
... |
|
|
tender square
|
if you cough near the president, you're going to get escorted away by secret service.
|
210918
|
|
... |
|
|
kerry
|
let the vine do its thing.
|
210918
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
When I'm wearing my "preppy punk" outfit (all black, suitcase, ponytail) and getting into a car with my three preppy punk roommates, it means we're all spies.
Spies for what, I'm not sure. Something about graffiti and overthrowing capitalism.
|
210918
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when it comes to applying sunscreen, orson welles isn't very attentive to my needs, but as a public speaker he'll always be second to none.
|
210919
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i don't know what shania twain has to do with running a bath, but it's her face i see when i can't seem to get the water hot enough. maybe it's that song of hers. you know the one. i think it's called "any bath of mine" (though i always did prefer "no one needs to know").
|
210920
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
free_airline_tourism and shall_never_take_me_back are blathes on blue.
(as it turns out, those blathes don't exist anywhere, but my sleeping brain seems to think otherwise.)
|
210921
|
|
... |
|
|
tender square
|
sometimes the best place to hide classified information is in plain sight.
|
210921
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A bedsheet isn't the best place to write down a dream I had. (I had to wake up fully to realize I had not, in fact, written on the sheet.)
|
210921
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
A bedsheet isn't the best place to write down a dream I had. (I had to wake up fully to realize I had not, in fact, written on the sheet.)
|
210921
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
boris becker does not take kindly to attempts to expand his summer wardrobe, no matter how well-intentioned they may be.
|
210922
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
only those who have been around the noise can appreciate the game.
|
210923
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
in an unfortunate turn of events, they no longer offer free in-home chest shavings for hirsute men in scandinavia.
|
210924
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes all you need to do to get a nosy neighbour to leave you alone is shout at them about how you're against polio.
|
210925
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i don't mind sacrificing myself to save the world, but i'd rather not do it before i have a chance to lie face-down on my grade school gymnasium floor one last time. you_know, for_old_time's_sake.
|
210926
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
eating saran wrap won't save me after i've eaten a poisoned banana, but it'll at least make me feel better about myself.
|
210927
|
|
... |
|
|
tender square
|
if you taste the rainbow you'll vomit a road of gold.
|
210928
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I'm trying to find information about someone, but I don't know if she's alive or dead. Her first name is either Rosemary or sarajevo (no caps); she composed music for The Lord of the Rings and acted in Atarnajuat: The Last Runner; she's indigenous but maybe not Inuit.
|
210928
|
|
... |
|
|
tender square
|
i have yet to meet the great mother; her number isn't in my cell phone.
|
210929
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"spirit be like . . . a cognity ambition."
|
210930
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
willem dafoe plays a great villain, sure, but he's the kind of villain who'll lead his nefarious crew in song when they get to the edge of the city.
|
211001
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Salads left on top of shelves for who knows how long: fine to eat. But mushroom slices stuck to your bedroom wall? Stale and rubbery.
|
211001
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some people have such a capacity for dishonesty, they don't even enjoy the act of joking.
(i learned this from seth in a very special dream episode of "the o.c.")
|
211002
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
poetry is everywhere. it's even embedded in the ground beneath your feet. but you can only see the words when you're not really looking for them.
|
211003
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
mixing two different kinds of birthday cake is a lot like mixing beer and liquor. it's fun for a while, but you'll pay for it later.
|
211004
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
I don't feel personally threatened by the knowledge that the government crashes trucks into "dissident professors."
Is that because
a) I'm not a professor
or
b) This was in a different time/place?
Nope, it's because
c) I CAN FLY
|
211004
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
vincent price sporting a silver mohawk on the oprah winfrey show is . . . well, it's something to see.
|
211005
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there is no effective medication for a suicidal mandible.
|
211006
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a walkabout isn't a rite of passage or an informal stroll, but an occupation held by those who've fallen from grace and are now tasked with tracking down troubled young men and bringing them back home. everyone aspires to be the 9J walkabout, but no one's ever made it that far.
|
211007
|
|
... |
|
|
tender square
|
letters are magnetic; each new arrangement of consonants and vowels increases their attractive properties (see "magnetic_letters")
|
211007
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you're about to spend time with an old friend you're not thrilled about seeing again, it's never a bad idea to eat some of your own hair. you know, in case the food they serve you doesn't really hit the spot.
|
211008
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's probably not the best idea to write an essay at the same time you're driving a convertible and listening to rusted root. bad things could happen.
|
211009
|
|
... |
|
|
tender square
|
there was a few:
when my aunt doesn’t remember raze sending her a 3rd bass cd, he’ll remind her that friendship is reciprocal, with equal give and take (recommended listening: “step into the a.m.”)
when I get drunk with altitude on an airplane, i’ll turn into paul westerberg singing replacements songs to entertain other passengers in the cabin as i make my way through the aisle.
the best way to recover after a near brush with death on a descending airplane with your husband is to buy lots of chocolate bars from the duty-free shop.
|
211009
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
(see, you *did* have one of those blatherskite_dreams! and i *am* the kind of person who would get a little salty over a thing like that. maybe. sometimes. especially if 3rd bass is involved.)
|
211009
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
every one-woman show should end with an a cappella country song and an invitation to the audience to hang around and talk about politics.
|
211011
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when i publish a book, it'll be a thin red paperback, and this is what the blurb on the back will say:
"quickly then: all the ice is inside, and there's no link to dante's inferno."
|
211012
|
|
... |
|
|
tender_square
|
if you burst into your boss's office without knocking first, you're going to get some major side-eye.
(why i need a dream to teach me this, i have no idea. seems pretty obvious, no?)
|
211012
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
try to coerce me into snorting cocaine, shame_on_you. trust me to go upstairs and snort the stuff without your supervision, cool beans. i'll stash it in my dresser and save it for a rainy day.
|
211013
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"telegraphic scrambling" is what happens when two people with telekinetic powers think unhappy thoughts about each other at the same time.
|
211014
|
|
... |
|
|
tender_square
|
i don't know where i'm going, but i'm driving myself, alone.
|
211014
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some of the most interesting poems ever written are etched into the barrel of a pen.
|
211015
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
breaking into my house to steal my cassette tapes probably isn't going to end well for the would-be thieves. you don't mess with my music, man.
|
211016
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some people will steal the back insert of a cd when all that's on it is a picture of a bathroom door. i'm not sure what the point is. maybe the pointlessness *is* the point. or maybe they've got a thing for bathroom doors.
|
211018
|
|
... |
|
|
nr
|
a doctor will insert a needle into your foot, when your appointment has nothing to do with feet. he'll say he's giving you a shot of "fenalyn" (phenyline?). when you ask what it is, he'll say he won't tell you what that is just know. you'll give him a strange look, asking yourself why he won't tell you, and doesn't he realize you can just google it? he'll say something like "my wife had the same reaction when i gave it to her. i knew to leave it be [with her] after that."
you'll look up the drug when you wake up, under multiple spellings, and find it doesn't exist.
|
211018
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if a restaurant serves you an arrangement of biological and organic fluids and semisolids for dessert with a ravioli chaser, it's probably time to ask for the bill.
|
211019
|
|
... |
|
|
tender_square
|
apparently, folks will get flustered when you swim naked inside an indoor public pool. in my defense, everyone was wearing their full clothes in the water and that just seemed too heavy for my liking; i said ‘fuck it’ and ignored them.
|
211019
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Breaking up chunks of granola into smaller bits will help me learn new languages.
|
211020
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you've heard of the band his name is alive? well, a guy who looks just like michael cera has a musical project he calls "his name is dead", and his name is my name too. not his stage name, but his actual name. it's pretty weird.
|
211020
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes it's not such a great idea to make lunch for the strangers who've taken you in. especially when you don't know how they like their steaks cooked.
|
211021
|
|
... |
|
|
tender_square
|
i take my job as a vigilante archivist very seriously—i can't begin to tell you how many poetry books our library has lost to theft. i stow away the ones that need to be preserved for future readers.
|
211021
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
a single square of toilet paper isn't the best weapon against a bathtub about to overflow, but it'll do in a pinch.
|
211022
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when i'm taking a test that deals with different quadrants of the neck and i'm unprepared, only a pair of black goggles can save me. and they don't even show me most of the answers.
|
211023
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
this is a revolutionary idea, but it's probably wise to *read* an email before responding to it. writing out your dreams on a tablecloth might not be the best way to go either. of course, i'm not about to let something like good sense interfere with my plans.
|
211024
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
one of the greatest ethical dilemmas i'll ever face is the question of whether i should keep a sweater for myself when it fits looser than i'd like it to, or regift it to someone i don't have much respect for when i know they're expecting a christmas present from me.
|
211025
|
|
... |
|
|
tender_square
|
suddenly, it's become acceptable to visit people at their hospital bedside dressed in only a bath towel wrapped around me.
|
211026
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you find yourself stuck at an empty diner that serves only frozen food, take it from me: try the sweet beef butillon. it might sound like beef bouillon, but it's nothing like that. matter of fact, it doesn't even have any beef in it. it's just a salad. but it's got a tasty surprise at the end.
|
211026
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
having more than enough change for the bus doesn't do much good if you keep missing it at every stop.
|
211027
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
part of the process of buying a new mattress is being photographed naked on said mattress by the people who deliver it to your home. it's not as awkward as you'd think.
|
211028
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
blathing at school (something i never did when i was actually *in* school) is a strange thing to experience in adulthood, especially when the blue homepage doesn't have a recent page anymore, but rather a link that asks, "what has blather taught you," sans question mark. stranger still to find the recent page intact on red, with select blathe titles presented as strikethrough text and the words within only visible when they've been highlighted, turning red to blue.
there's a lesson here, but i don't know what it is.
|
211029
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
santa claus likes to give people pillows for early christmas presents, both for their heads and their legs.
santa's got pretty good taste in pillows. he writes clever things on ominous-looking wrapping paper, too.
|
211030
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
selling your spinal cord for fifty dollars isn't the wisest course of action, but if the buyer makes you angry enough you just might regain full mobility.
|
211031
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's nothing that can't be made better by a visit to the nearest swing set.
|
211101
|
|
... |
|
|
unhinged
|
i am not ready to forgive her; even in my dreams i leave the room when i see her
|
211101
|
|
... |
|
|
tender_square
|
somewhere in an alternate universe “spin magazine” is still alive and kicking it in print, and my byline is culture reporter. i tell the young girls i’m interviewing that their story will be out soon, but the thing is, the mag isn’t for purchase just anywhere—they’ll have to go to special bookstores to get their mitts on it.
|
211101
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes the person you think wants to kill you only wants to make music with you.
|
211102
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"imaly" is an italian statement of intent.
|
211103
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you want a group of nosy strangers to leave you alone, all you have to do to put them off is start singing about loincloths and undercarriage. it works every time.
|
211104
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's difficult to find two half-eaten bricks of cheddar cheese willing to spend the rest of their lives together. difficult, but not impossible.
|
211105
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's nothing more terrifying than what's written on the chalkboard in a grade school classroom.
|
211106
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
not everyone responds well to peanut butter on a spoon.
|
211107
|
|
... |
|
|
tender_square
|
trees branches are a lot like broccoli florets. when wind blows them upward, i’ll watch curiously until a microburst yanks the stalk from the ground, flinging it skyward. in a stairwell i descend for safety, when i see a girl from grade school crying on the landing, i embrace her and weep too.
|
211107
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
it's such a satisfying feeling to punch the mayor of windsor in the face.
|
211108
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
some flowers are too beautiful to pull from the earth, even as an offering to someone you care for.
|
211109
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
The "Good News" Bible only has music scores inside.
That's why it's good news.
|
211109
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you'd be surprised how poetic a review of an adult film can be when it's translated from spanish into english, and how little interest the critic has in the kinky business that surrounds the story. of course, it helps when the plot involves an american president who needs to get over his swearing-related anxiety in order to embrace his truest self.
|
211110
|
|
... |
|
|
tender_square
|
he says my new pants are hitting me in all the right places, but when i look in the mirror my ass is suddenly very lumpy. when i ask about it, he says he can’t answer. i tell him if he can’t see what i’m talking about it says a lot about the state of our relationship.
|
211110
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
"the shining" makes a pretty strange video game.
|
211111
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the last thing you want to see when you're trying to scrub a stain out of the floorboards is the floor itself heckling you (in the form of brendan o'carroll, in character as agnes brown).
|
211112
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
Tree branches are falling. It's either the wind, or it's because the teacher has moved from a ternary to a binary branching model of sentence structure and those extra branches are crashing down, uncertain of where to go.
(Seriously, mind, stop dreaming about syntax trees. First time it was cute. Fourth time it's a little silly.)
|
211112
|
|
... |
|
|
e_o_i
|
(And "ternary" means "three", not "any arbitrary number larger than two"; the old model was such that you could have any number of branches if it made sense)
|
211112
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
no one takes a blood-hungry black squid seriously until it's too late.
|
211113
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
you don't want to buy aa batteries from the diner i work at. they cost $12.99 a pop. a white baseball cap will run you $17.99. bread for your sandwich costs extra (the oreo bread is a popular choice).
anger and bewilderment are on the house.
|
211114
|
|
... |
|
|
tender_square
|
when the ground outside sounds like it’s being pounded by a foreboding drum, the best place to hide is curled behind a pile of clothes and stuffed animals to calm yourself down; your family will know exactly where to find you.
|
211114
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
any baseball diamond you have to descend a fire escape to get to isn't really worth visiting.
|
211115
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
the best cure for glasses-related depression is unexpected meatloaf.
|
211116
|
|
... |
|
|
tender_square
|
(now i need to know, the food or the singer, or both?)
|
211116
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
ha! only the food, sadly. but it was meatloaf presented in the form of sliced kielbasa, with a red dipping sauce and grated carrots. even dream chefs care about the presentation.
|
211116
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
sometimes the identity of a mysterious computer hacker on a nameless but popular television show is of so little interest to anyone, even the show itself decides (in the thirteenth episode of its first season) that it doesn't care who the villain is.
|
211117
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
there's a restaurant where every server knows your name, and instead of food they've got designer antidepressants on the menu. i recommend the dark marrow. there's also the golden wonder, if you're in the mood for something different. that one pairs well with tea.
|
211118
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
if i can't shoot you with my finger, you can't shoot me with yours either. it's one of the unwritten rules of the dreamworld.
|
211119
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
when you're dealing with an evil impostor on a train, sometimes all you can do is make them pork chops on the rind.
|
211120
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
unlike the real billy joel, when *i'm* pretending to be billy i still sing "a matter of trust" in the original key (not that there's anyone around to hear me singing it).
|
211121
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
small_dogs_are_bad_liars (still).
|
211122
|
|
... |
|
|
raze
|
i was hoping we could hold off on starting a new instalment of this long-running dream thread until new_year's_day. but after almost five years, this blathe is getting so beefy it's taking an eternity for a new addition to go through every time i have something to say here (i'm guessing it's just as slow for everyone else too).
i think it's time for some new_dream_lessons.
|
211122
|
|
|
what's it to you?
who
go
|
blather
from
|
