phobia mon yesterday near the house abandoned i saw a grouse resting on the body of a fallen tree it did not move, it stood so still it was camouflaged hidden from the dog walking up an old logging road running the steep hillside an animal i crawled hands and teeth needles sewing my skin sinew twining the path arms and trees feet to the floor clinging holding on to the edge breathless i buried my hair in kinnikinik looking up into the dark pines twisting my heartbeat i cried whole_body_shaking paralyzed afraid of moving, of losing balance falling away rolling down crashing onto the rocks below an ancient creek bed, dry i screamed wondering if the bird could fly 040524 ... mon *kinnikinic 040524 ... mon 'bathmophobia' i read in google fear of steep slopes my brother tells me i didn't have this problem as a child running the_woods "you used to run around like crazy" he says i recount again the skiing incident from grade seven and he reminds me of the second time i broke my arm "oh yeah. that must've really hurt." and i think of the moving truck episode and other thoughts continue to cloud and shower my head with possible explanations but still, i can't explain my fear 040524 ... mon it's quite ridiculous really 040524 ... monee freaking_out_on_the_edge this last summer i couldn't swim at my beach i had to go to the public one at the park nearby 'cause i freaked out one day on the stairs going down a bit but especially coming up from my beach through the black locust trees through the thimbleberries i dropped to the ground crawling up i crawled bruising my knees on the rocks i crawled up and across the railroad tracks i crawled clutching on to the rocks felt like i was slipping off the earth felt like the earth was slipping off felt like i was slipping slipping off i freaked out they're not even very steep at all those stairs those stairs going down those stairs those stairs coming up they're not even my stairs not mine no but they are there for to be used so i've used them lots it's just that sometimes i freak out and everything goes sliding and i haven't even dared to try to go up or down again them since i freaked out last time my neighbour laughed when i tried to explain everyone laughs and i laugh with them i can't explain it very well it just feels like the world is falling falling away behind me i can't hold on when i'm freaking out like that the world goes sliding and i cry and i drop to the ground and i start crawling or i stay still still shaking i start crawling until i find level ground but even then the world keeps spinning crazily and my heart sounds strange and_i_can't_breathe and i can't breathe 041231 ... monee it's_like_suddenly 041231 ... nom) i'm trying to climb 050811 what's it to you? who go blather from