traitor slothisily i'm not okay i cannot explain the extent of my feelings 19 years of emotion and occurances have led up to a pile of mush a brain of mush no matter how hard i try to tell myself it will be okay or how many times i hear it from someone else "in 20 years it will only be a faint memory" but it's now that i'm worried about i want it to be better now i feel bad because my mom doesn't think she's done anything wrong and you know, she probably hasn't she hasn't and i feel so ashamed it's all about the atmosphere the one here and the one there and i keep thinking if only i'd been there and he had been there, none of this wouldn't have happened but that wasn't even an option we were here and we had no choice in my depression i blamed it all on the stepman and it was true but it was unfair being there i was depressed too i can't blame it all on one thing it's the scapegoat but it's not i don't know what it is today has made me think that what i have thought for the last 15 years is completely wrong that i have been fooling myself but im not okay with that i not okay with thinking that my entire perception of my life and the people around me in no way portrays the truth i am not okay with living a lie i am torn between letting go or suffering with the hate i am harboring i want to blame someone for my life being horrible when the only one i can blame is me for letting myself believe my life was horrible and when i have to comfort those that have previously hurt me i feel empty i feel like a traitor, first to those that love me for questioning my love despite their occasional tears in my psych that they may not have even know they were creating, and then to myself for negating every feeling i have ever felt and being untruthful to everyone including myself. i don't know who to believe and i can't believe everyone i'm a mess and i'm not okay and i don't see the end coming anytime soon i don't want to forget i don't even know what i want to remember but i know that i don't want to forget 050712 ... Isaou Whenever I think about these things I feel like a traitor. To you, to myself, and to those who I am thinking of. When will I begin doing the right things for the right reasons? 091030 ... pony Every day I wake up a traitor to myself, making decisions I don't understand, dreaming in worlds that don't exist, of people I discarded and blamed for betrayal. Little of what I do makes sense to me, but I talk to myself as if I know what I'm saying. 240806 what's it to you? who go blather from