traitor
slothisily
i'm
not
okay
i
cannot
explain
the
extent
of
my
feelings
19
years
of
emotion
and
occurances
have
led
up
to
a
pile
of
mush
a
brain
of
mush
no
matter
how
hard
i
try
to
tell
myself
it
will
be
okay
or
how
many
times
i
hear
it
from
someone
else
"
in
20
years
it
will
only
be
a
faint
memory
"
but
it's
now
that
i'm
worried
about
i
want
it
to
be
better
now
i
feel
bad
because
my
mom
doesn't
think
she's
done
anything
wrong
and
you
know
,
she
probably
hasn't
she
hasn't
and
i
feel
so
ashamed
it's
all
about
the
atmosphere
the
one
here
and
the
one
there
and
i
keep
thinking
if
only
i'd
been
there
and
he
had
been
there
,
none
of
this
wouldn't
have
happened
but
that
wasn't
even
an
option
we
were
here
and
we
had
no
choice
in
my
depression
i
blamed
it
all
on
the
stepman
and
it
was
true
but
it
was
unfair
being
there
i
was
depressed
too
i
can't
blame
it
all
on
one
thing
it's
the
scapegoat
but
it's
not
i
don't
know
what
it
is
today
has
made
me
think
that
what
i
have
thought
for
the
last
15
years
is
completely
wrong
that
i
have
been
fooling
myself
but
im
not
okay
with
that
i
not
okay
with
thinking
that
my
entire
perception
of
my
life
and
the
people
around
me
in
no
way
portrays
the
truth
i
am
not
okay
with
living
a
lie
i
am
torn
between
letting
go
or
suffering
with
the
hate
i
am
harboring
i
want
to
blame
someone
for
my
life
being
horrible
when
the
only
one
i
can
blame
is
me
for
letting
myself
believe
my
life
was
horrible
and
when
i
have
to
comfort
those
that
have
previously
hurt
me
i
feel
empty
i
feel
like
a
traitor,
first
to
those
that
love
me
for
questioning
my
love
despite
their
occasional
tears
in
my
psych
that
they
may
not
have
even
know
they
were
creating
,
and
then
to
myself
for
negating
every
feeling
i
have
ever
felt
and
being
untruthful
to
everyone
including
myself
.
i
don't
know
who
to
believe
and
i
can't
believe
everyone
i'm
a
mess
and
i'm
not
okay
and
i
don't
see
the
end
coming
anytime
soon
i
don't
want
to
forget
i
don't
even
know
what
i
want
to
remember
but
i
know
that
i
don't
want
to
forget
050712
...
Isaou
Whenever
I
think
about
these
things
I
feel
like
a
traitor.
To
you
,
to
myself
,
and
to
those
who
I
am
thinking
of
.
When
will
I
begin
doing
the
right
things
for
the
right
reasons
?
091030
what's it to you?
who
go
blather
from
