betrayal moonshine The cds melted into broken collections. Walking bridges before they were ressurected in the wake of railings and sucides. Octopus kiss goodbyes to surrender my freedom, to purge you of your emotions. Window tears, and illicit phone calls. Knowing well, when I choose to panic in my own murky web; It would be the last time I saw you.... 010228 ... silentbob I didn't even realize it until it was all over and all i could see was the look on his face and all i could hear was the dead silence in the room. 010228 ... birdmad It was late in the afternoon somewhere in the middle of march, just after both of our birthdays had passed. I had been working a variety of shitty temp jobs and my welcome was wearing thin in the place where i was staying and everytime it seemed i would catch a break with one of these jobs, everybody would get let go again. The day before i had gone on four interviews and none of them had gone well for one reason or another, i sat on the couch in the apartment watching some really awful crap on TV and falling aslep as i sat, i had just tried calling you again a couple of days earlier and the number still was not working, i had been trying at least once every other day and i had kept asking them if you had called at all whenever i came back. Suddenly as i began to drift into sleep, there was a knock at the door and i got up to open it and there you were and i threw my arms around you because i had missed you. you even said you missed me too. You asked me if i wanted to come along with you to the art museum and help you out with the term paper for your art history class. Of course, i said yes I had told you once of my feelings for you and though you had played them down, the way things had gone between us up til you disappeared would have convinced anyone that there was a glimmer of hope for what we were to become even more You car had a big horrible dent in one side where you said you had goten hit over the course of the time since i had seen you last, i could not get in the passenger side seat so i got in and sat down in the seat behind you, just as you had done on all those times when my house had ben the center of activity, when you were with him and i was always the chauffeur as we rode along down the same streets where i had driven you and him before, before i knew what the strange feeling that always hit me around you was, i could not endure the question any longer so i asked you where you had been that i had not heard from you for two months, had something terrible happened other than the obvious damage to your car? were you okay you paused, unsure of what to say, but then you spoke "I'm not sure i should tell you this" "Come on, you know you can tell me anything. Right?" "Well, okay, i haven't talked to you or anybody else in the last few weeks because i've just been really hostile to everyone after what happened, my boyfriend and me...i got pregnant and i wasn't going to keep and when i asked him to help me with the cost of getting rid of hit he stopped having anything to do with me." I bit my tongue (the only time i had ever heard you use the word "boyfriend" since you and the one who had lived in my house broke up was during a phonecall at your house when you begged off of somebody's weekend plan because "me and my boyfriend are gonna go out and do something that night" and since you and i had plans for that night, i made the logical jump that you were referring to me) that night i heard you say that was also the last time i saw you until today in the car and you are telling me that someone else left you high and dry we stopped at a convenience store and i stayed in as you got down i debated whether or not to stayu in the car or run away I stayed in retrospect, after what came down over the next few months i should have run 010228 ... unhinged he ran away with my heart and i didn't get it back for almost a year 010318 ... dB With a chip on one shoulder as big as a large asteroid, and the future of employees families on the other, you would consider that good incentive. It is. Now if only I could get these knives out of my back and give them back to hose who would try to stop me. 010318 ... startfires heh. i was only sixteen. it's amazing how many times you think you are in love when you are sixteen. she invited me over every day inticing me with the possibility that her roomate would be home (i don't know if anyone who lived there could be considered a roomate. more a flop.) she told me maybe he likes you. i came to wake her up one day to go to the vans outlet store and they were both asleep on her floor, wearing nothing but blankets and socks. i wish i would have puked on them like i felt i was going to. 010705 ... fallen here i sit...wondering who will be the next...the next to turn than back on me... 010706 ... mistaken (no no sleep deprivation does not have any affect on me) here i sit wondering....wondering....who will be the next....who will be the next to turn their back on me... 010706 ... silentbobfuckyou being crushed under a summer of lies waking up to the idea that it will be over in a month i won't have to deal i won't have to deal i won't have to deal i feel like something should die as a result of all of this. one of us... 010717 ... misstree all the worse when you do it to yourself 130319 ... tender_square my analyst argued that i'd been fighting against my intuition. i pushed back and said that i was typically good at following through and trusting that source of knowledge; rather, that the mistake came from having too many looming changes upon me. in my reiki session weeks ago, i shared with the practitioner that fear was leaving me and the courage was rushing to fill the void in my solar plexus. and later, my belly churned with the discomfort of all that i'm ashamed of. i was literal in my logic: these feelings were related to my divorce, the challenges of beginning anew, and of facing the dualities within. then, a during a meditation the night before my dream job interview (and the night before interviewing the tenant) i was struck with the anxiety and discomfort of a former position that went south because of interpersonal conflict. and i took it all as a warning about work, to think about culture and who i'd be spending a quarter of my weekly time beside. i should've known these feelings arose because of the tenant, the tenant, the tenant. and oh, what a painful lesson it is to learn at thirty-eight tender years of age that the only person you can trust to protect your interests is yourself. my analyst said my approach smacked of naivete. he's not wrong. i'm struck saddened and angry by the realization that two men have betrayed me in the same timeline: the tenant, who made egregious acts, who acted in a threatening manner, days into our close co-habitation, causing irreparable damage to our relationship; and the realtor, who knew my personal struggles with my divorce and lack of employment, who acted out of his self-interest, who has sought to diminish the harm this tenancy has caused me, also causing irreparable damage to our relationship. 230412 what's it to you? who go blather from