windsor tender square after trump got elected in 2016, i nearly came back to windsor. michael and i filled out and sent away his residency application for him to be granted approval to live in canada. the only reason we didn’t go through with it was because, when the application was held up for us to provide more proof of our plans (residency, jobs), i tearily confessed that i couldn’t go back there with what was happening with my sisters, not while my family was still enabling their behavior. we withdrew the application. 210925 ... raze the city i was born in. the city i'll die in. everyone i care about leaves, but i remain, a cockroach dreaming he's a butterfly refusing to take flight. 210925 ... tender square last night’s dream: michael and i were walking through neighborhoods with canadian flags all over their properties. we were trying to move away from something unseen, something aggravating that had been tailing us. at some point, we stopped to sit on the lawn by one of the curbs to return to our breath, to rest. i think the sky had darkened at that point and we looked up at the stars for a few moments. we then realized whatever we were trying to get away from wasn’t following us anymore. we continued to walk the neighborhood and it became light. at some point we nearly crossed in front of a chained doberman who looked sort of threatening, but i pointed out a path around the dog. then i awoke. 210926 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Windsor and dogs: when I was at my aunt's in Arden, in her batik_boutique, a woman was there who'd lived in Windsor but moved to Kingston. Reason? She and her partner had a dog and it kept getting parasites that were in Windsor but not in Kingston, apparently. Or it was that the air was muggier. But her frown prompted me to defend the city, although irrelevantly: "Have you seen the lakeshore walkway, though? It's beautiful! And what a view!" She did agree that the walkway was nice. (I was there in, what '15 or '16? Several people were walking around playing Pokemon Go.) Not that it had anything to do with her dog. 210926 ... raze according to piano_gorillas and i_do_not_eat_the_bus, you were here in 2016. you remain the only person i've blathed with like that, with both of us in the same room, at the same time, seated at the same computer. that was so much fun. i can't believe it was five years ago already. time is insane. 210926 ... tender square this afternoon: a call with isaac, our real estate agent from windsor. he’s been sending us listings since mid-june. we’ve been waiting for border restrictions to be lifted so we could begin the process of looking. in the two visits we’ve made this month, we drove around the neighborhoods we were considering, and opened a canadian bank account so we’ll be able to make a down payment. we plan to start seriously looking at the end of october with the goal to buy before the end of the year. michael is not applying for permanent residency, at least not yet. the house is the first step to see if he likes the feel of living in windsor; we plan to keep our place in ann arbor and move back and forth between the two. this feels so different than five years ago, because so much has changed: [1] my family is no longer enabling candi and terri’s alcoholism. we are estranged from both of them and have kept our boundaries firm. there are many reasons why this change occurred and has stuck, traumatic things i need to write about here but i building the energy to take on. [2] losing michael’s mom and being so isolated in our home during covid has made us realize how alone we feel in ann arbor. family is more important than ever. michael’s family all lives in the south, and as i mentioned in a previous post, he will not go back there. our only option to feel closer to our loved ones is to be in canada. a few weeks ago, michael said to me, “i just want to be able to have your parents over to our place in windsor to eat pizza and watch hockey, to do something normal” and it was filled my heart with such fierce love. [3] earlier this year, my parents changed their will. i have become their power of attorney in the event that they cannot be it for one another. in the past, these powers had been given to candi and terri; my parents had not updaded their will since they went on a vacation to mexico in 1995 and didn’t realize until they travelled to cuba in 2020 (their first real vacation in 25 years) that it was dangerous to keep it as is. i am the only person strong enough to take on this responsibility in my family. now that my dad has been diagnosed with dementia, there’s added complexities with this arrangement. my mother takes care of their finances; if something were to happen to her, i would have to step in to take care of my father. my father, in his condition, will very likely not be able to act as poa for my mother in the event that he had to, which introduces the possibility that i could be called to step up for that too. being in the area would make it much easier for me to do this if and when the time comes. [4] ann arbor has changed. michael and i were only gone for 8 months when we lived in ohio, but in that time something dramatically shifted. the nearer we get to middle age, the more we realize that this place no longer fits us—it’s a young person’s city. ten thousand new people have been added to the population in the past ten years. new high rises are cropping up all over. long-standing local business have been shuttering en masse because they can no longer afford the rising rents. every new storefront looks like it’s been curated from “better homes and gardens” or some shit. there is no edge, no authenticity, just spit-shined buildings offering ridiculously expensive things that no one needs. we keep commenting that it’s starting to remind us of dc, or some other east coast town with busybodies who fill their lives with meaningless shopping and experiences. 210927 ... nr tender square, i love reading your narratives; they're so descriptive and character- (well, real-person, i assume) driven. they remind me a bit of zoe whittall's, writing, which i love. and your last paragraph is exactly why i'm becoming disillusioned with toronto. we were in windsor a couple of years ago on a weekend trip to (mostly) detroit (but staying in windsor because cheaper) and i did notice a couple of the places i'd been to or heard of in years past were no more. and we went to a brewery that was new to me. 210927 ... nr why is there a comma after whittall? i, do, not, know. 210927 ... tender square nr: thank you so much, your words made my day. (and yes, real life; i've never been good at fictionalizing.) i'm not familiar with zoe whittall's writing, i will have to check her out! one of the biggest things i miss about living in windsor is its proximity to detroit. i spent a lot of time there in my twenties; michael spent a lot of time in new orleans during his; we miss the places that hum with the energy of the past, we miss being near waterways that edge the city. sorry to hear toronto is turning for you the way a2 is for us. 210927 ... tender square [5] i had to leave windsor in order to achieve my vocational aspiration of being a writer. i had tried writing there in my twenties but was paralyzed by fear and self-doubt (see “creation_myth”). when michael and i had considered moving in 2016, i hadn’t yet accomplished what i needed to do. i realize now i had to prove this to myself before i could say yes. 211002 ... tender square [6] in a journal entry from april 22, 2021 i wrote about the preliminary talks michael and i were having about windsor. i wrote that i couldn’t believe that i was willing to go back, but reflected on the reasons that it felt different, which are already enumerated here. later in the entry, i mention: “i said to michael that if i lost him, chances are i would go back to windsor.” i remembered telling my therapist about that exchange shortly thereafter, revealing to her that this admission surprised me, because it wasn’t something i was aware of wanting until i said it aloud. 211004 ... nr i randomly found a pretty good job posting there with a company i like. wouldn't it be funny if half of the current red blatherers ended up in windsor? 211015 ... nr i'm not sure how i'd adjust, as i'm so used to large cities. but i like it enough, and i like the proximity to detroit and the halfway location between toronto and chicago. 211015 ... nr and closer proximity to my newest family member in wisconsin. 211015 ... yep nr again actually i say "ended up" but i don't really see myself ending up there. but it might be an interesting stopping point. 211015 ... tender_square every time i return i find myself surprised at how large windsor is because it didn't feel that way growing up. the sprawl of it reminds me a lot of houston now that i've visited there a few times. the population is larger than ann arbor. and yes, it would be cool for a congregation of 'skites to be there! 211015 ... raze that would be insane! in a good way. a little canadian blather_party. 211015 ... tender_square first day searching, first offer accepted. (thank you universe) 211028 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Where I'm currently headed, for the second time in my life. This time, with a plan to record something like an album! And that wouldn't be possible without blather's raze, so if this train finally gets anywhere like the city in question, I'll see him and a newly tuned piano tomorrow afternoon! The plan: twelve songs, in a frame called Twelve_Tone_Blues. To be honest, I don't know how much of them I can do; I only have five days, because there's a poet friend's wake next Saturday. She was the partner of my former teacher too. Another thanks to raze; and then to tender_square for desciptions that bring this city to blather_red life. I only noted small details from my own strolls five years ago: -a plastic rat with red eyes perched on a tree on someone's lawn -lakeshore sunsets; a beautiful vast stretch over the Detroit River, white tents in the distance; and people on the boardwalk immersed in Pokemon Go 220820 ... e_o_i *six years ago (and you wrote about the Pokemon Go-ey boardwalk last year, silly self) 220820 ... e_o_i At first, Walker Street seemed dull for walking on. Everything was geared to people in cars and not on foot, I thought - wide lanes, car washes, car sellers, car parts suppliers. Ottawa Street is more the pedestrian one. It's where I got supper: a nice banh mi sandwich and rose soda topped with petals. I passed Storyteller, which it was closed; when I called David, I mentioned I could look in there this week, but he suggested I go to Biblioasis first since I didn't get to it last time. After that call, I made a mistake - went west instead of east on Memorial Road (nothing remembered?) Then I was caught in the rain. I had my umbrella, but my shoes got soaked. The coolness was welcome. At one point, thunder cracked loudly above me and I hurried to get down to the main road from the overpass-ish area. I had the thought that being both low to the ground and away from things that fell down easily lessened one's lightning-related danger, though I wasn't sure the danger was much to begin with. Walking Walker-ways again: on the way back south, on sidewalks newly washed, I noted all the non-car-related buildings that were painted green: a weed store, a gym, something else I can't remember. Nice shades of bright green, too. 220821 ... nr i hope you got to biblioasis! they're one of my favourite small presses. i've never been to the store, though. 220822 ... nr border cities always have a different kind of flavour 220822 ... e_o_i I'll see about it tomorrow! I'm kind of smack dab in the middle (Division Road, dividing north and south), so it's far to walk to the outer edges, but it's a useful exercise (for independence and leg muscles). Oh yes. The other bright green building was a sort of hardware store. 220822 ... e_o_i Tuesday was my walking-a-lot day (thus the sore_feet) and suprisingly full of arts and crafts. That afternoon, I found an art store called Walkerville Artists Collective. The name caught my eye, and so did a blue and green glass pendant in the window - it was nestled in a beaded cradle woven with tinier beads and hanging from a dark blue braid-pattern thread. I went inside, looking at the various paintings on the walls, a few textile/scuplture pieces, many cards. Some were excellent, a couple made me think, "Well, I could do THAT better," and a few had me going "Even if I could do that, I wouldn't have thought of it" - like the painting I bought from mt 11-year old cousin (cousin's kid, technically) in Arden. I bought the pendant necklace and a card with a picture of an elephant. The woman at the cash commented on the tag being faded in the sun, commented on getting one of the attachments from a friend...and then it dawned on me that she'd made the necklace. I asked to confirm. "Did you also make the, the snowflake necklaces?" I said, tapping my ear. She looked confused. "Earrings," I corrected myself. "They're really nice." She seemed pleased, and I set off with renewed energy for Biblioasis. I went through a park to get there and discovered I had to head east again, not west. By that time I'd ditched the printed maps, carrying only a few addresses, and I didn't check my phone until I wanted to know where exactly it was. "Three minutes away," Google, which knew where I was, stated. Three minutes? By car, though. But walkable. ... Not all, but swaths of the landscape, the zeitgeist, seem carrish. (Carrish: relating to cars. Infused with cars, to be fancy.) Man at the Travelodge desk: "Did you come here by car?" (I guess for parking). I said no, by train. And a minute later, asking to see ID to confirm the booking, "Do you have a driver's license?" My mouth: no. My mind: would I drive without one?? But the train had come in late and it was past 1 AM. Besides, I'd call a necklace "earrings" a few days later, after a reasonable amount of sleep - see above. ... Wyandotte Street. Biblioasis looked like the near-Concordia Argo, but not quite as small. In the front, a round display of books by the publisher. I read most of a pamphlet about how independent bookstores can push back against white supremacy. Even if they are a small part of the book market. Small, obscure(d): a book on the back bottom shelf that I thought wasn't given enough room to shine. Indignant, I picked it up: it was a memoir of a writer who came back to piano playing in her fifties. On one side were rows of bookshelves with fiction titles arranged alphabetically. I read bits of, or noted, some books for future reference. Two had stories in the forms of lists: A Safe Girl to Love - Casey Plett: one story in the form of a list amused, then moved me; I thought it was interesting she got the book published under a Creative Commons license and started wondering whether any local publishers would do that (she's Canadian but this was published in the States). Maybe Metatron or Metonymy but not Vehicule? And I Do Not Forgive You - Amber Sparks: I read a surreally delightful story about instructions for a funeral/memorial service. The only part I didn't like was the part that said dreams are boring. To me they're not! But it worked in context: narrator didn't want relatives sharing dreams about HER. Her ghost would find that yawn-worthy. In the poetry section, I saw tender_square's book in the local writers section! (I mentally waved. A brain wave, you know.) I ended up buying the music-memoir book, Music, Late and Soon by Robyn Sarah, and a book of poetry, Far Company by Cindy Hunter Morgan. The poems that I read in it were immersively descriptive - with active descriptions, not static ones. I mean even when the words lingered over something they seemed active, swooping from one angle to another. It's something I admire in descriptive writing. It reminded me of Carmine Starnino, or what I remember of him; of tender_square evoking rooms and bike rides in Mayflies; and of Salman_Rushdie painting comic, frantic landscapes. Then I wandered back to Ontario Street. Native Wonders: Gourmet Grub had an inviting name, though I had a sense of being pulled out of a so-called comfort zone, of having to try new foods, for instance, but also that I would be rewarded in some way if I went in. Which I was - it turned out the kitchen had just closed, so no food, but I looked through the clothing and art section, admiring intricate beaded change purses. And then I ran across some vials of vivid seed beads - three shades of pink to purple. They were Czech seed beads, not Indigenous-made, but it's hard to find those colours. (See purple_pride, etc.) I chatted with the friendly cashier - are cashiers in Windsor always friendly? I'm sure people living in the city could find a few grouchy ones, but I haven't - as I got those beads as well as a pack of gold-tinted ones. Storyteller, the other bookstore I'd been to the last time I was here, was closed. Past five. But I saw a funny title in a window: Feck Perfuction. Oh yes, and between Wyandotte and Ontario, or maybe it was between Ontario and Tecumseh, I saw a Little_Free_Library that was actually CALLED Little Free Library. Over here they're either not called that or called something different (I could run two blocks to check, but after this I'm eating lunch, and I'm lazy.) I wrote down another title to maybe read later: Look Homeward, Angel by Thomas Wolfe. In a fancy neighbourhood, with a street called Niagara and something Britishy starting with a D, I saw a Little Free Art Gallery as well. And then I headed to fancy food at Tim de la Horton - a decent bowl of chicken salad with rice, like the more expensive mixed-bowl meal I had at Fresh in Toronto the next day (but meat-containing and not quite as varied). 220827 ... tender_square [brain-waving back, e_o_i! getting "mayflies" carried at biblioasis was actually a very recent occurrence; i hadn't been back to the store to see if it was actually there yet. it delights me that you found it.] 220827 ... leif Landing to T. in an hour. Will be in St. Catherine's/Niagara for a day and then on to Windsor for a week. Anyone want a skite date? 230420 ... leif four Oh 3 8 six 1 forty-three 11 Text me! 230420 ... tender_square it's been almost thirteen years since i left. today, i returned as a resident. 230420 ... leif I’m leaving on Thursday this week, but keen to meet anyone who wants to visit! 230424 what's it to you? who go blather from