disappearing maruku savoring my last moments of freedom. sheesh. i need a hug. 010528 ... farmfish hug. 010528 ... Aimee *hugs* 010528 ... blue star every day I pray that my fat is disappearing. I hate that. Why can't I just not care? Why should I "have" to wait until I meet a societal standard before I can wear clothes I like and desperately want to wear? I'll tell you: Because I'm still holding out the ridiculous hope that (in spite of genetics and my unfortunate weakness for any kind of food at any time, whether I'm hungry or not) I might one day be able to see muscle instead of the layers of fat that are mildly defined by underlying muscle. And yes actually, I do realize that without some really fabulous genetic restructuring or a grueling training routine this will never happen.... so fuck it. I just want to be happy with me. And that's not a size 5/6. I'm not asking that much. A 9/10 would be totally fine with me! and it's only one size away... I promised myself when I was a little girl that I would never get this way about my body. But that was before I knew the true definition of the noun "fat," and before I realized that a society that even has a size "0" in pants will never stop their ever-turning wheel of commerce for all the girls who must realize that they will never look like Ariel, or Sleeping Beauty, or Jessica Rabbit, or any of those women in movies that they break out the sexy sounding music for. (Don't you just hate run-on sentences?) 010803 ... kinkazoid i once had this friend when i was like in 4th grade i think. she lived down the street and i used to go to her house everyday. she lived with her aunt and told me a story about how her dad used to beat her and her mom really bad and almost killed her mom so my friend called the police on him. he went to jail for a while and got out. he found out where the mom lived and was trying to kidnap my friend so she had to move in with her aunt. i didnt believer her at first so i asked her aunt and her aunt aggreed with the story and even added more. a few weeks later, we were walkng down the hall of her apartment and there was an old (about late 40's early 50's) woman walking toward us. my friend stopped walking and looked at me she looked really scared. the woman stared at my friend with a grin on her face and sorta shrugged passed her into the room down the hall. it was my friends dads mom, the next day i went back to my friends house and her aunt said she went back to her moms house. she told me to come back in a couple days cuz she was going to get a phone call from my friend when she got there. i came back a couple days later and her aunt told me she never made it to her moms house, she was a missing person they like had papers for it and everything. like a week later i went back to her aunts house just to see how she was or if she heard anything. i knocked on her door and she didnt answer, her car was in the parking lot, i tried again and again for like a week and she never answered, after that her car was gone and someone else was moving in, i think someone killed my friend and her aunt. 010803 ... uow dizzy peering 040925 what's it to you? who go blather from