melancholy lacrima Noun: 1.Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom 2.Pensive reflection or contemplation. www.dictionary.com This seems to be the perfect word for what I am right now. And the feeling has me sinking deeper than I want to go. At first it was just a tiny prickling at the pack of my neck, telling me that something would be happening. Then you came, with your questions, expecting answers I couldn't give. So, now I'm thinking about me, and that's never a goos thing. I say everything in the past should be forgotten. People don't learn from their mistakes, the repeat them over and over. So, I sit alone. alone in my house, and alone in my soul. Others are in my mind, telling me what will happen, they say its inevitable. My mind turns, for the first time in a month, to the knife that is always beside me, sitting in the hidden compartment of my purse, waiting to be used. I think of how easy it was before, when I cut, and no-one knew. Now I have people who look at me, and ask me, and expect the truth. But I don't even know what is truth anymore. Up until this moment, I could say in complete truth that I haven't thought about cutting. But, once again, it is consuming my mind. No drugs to dull the pain, a pain that is my constant companion. I don't even remember where it originates from, what causes it, what could quell it. Its just there. All the time. And now I want it to mutate, to turn into something tangible, that I can defeat, or not, that I have control over. 040502 ... guitar_freak I am tired. My body aches and my soul aches. I've spent all day working on a paper that I have to turn in tomorrow. I know that it is sub-par but I just could care less. I have shit due 6 hours from now and I can't work and I can't sleep. I need to get in my car and drive all the way home later today to comfort friends and to be comforted by friends. The funeral is tuesday the visitation is tonight. No sleep no sleep. It is hell week and I'm going home and missing class. Probably a bad idea but my professors are relatively understanding. The circles under my eyes grow darker with each day. Every morning I wake up and see a living zombie, apply concealer and a smile, and go on with my day. The concealer doesn't hide the puffyness or the dark deep lines. My lack of peace exposes me to everyone who can see. Must seek shelter in the world of unconsciousness. Today is going to be a long long day. 040502 ... epitome of incomprehensibility But why? Yesterday I finished my little golf article, I'm almost done setting up the worksheets for tutoring tomorrow, my brother's sitting at the table yesterday finishing his animation homework, and The Lord of the Rings soundtrack is playing in the background. Maybe it's the deja-vu aspect of the animation class. I took the same thing when I was in the same school, with the same teacher. With his program it's a lesser sort of elective than it was in mine, but still he's being a perfectionist. Doing drawing after drawing. Maybe it's the soundtrack. Lothlorien/Lorien has quite haunting music - and why is it spelled both ways? Is "loth" some sort of Elvish prefix? I've never reread the books. In my opinion, the music made the films much better than otherwise. An anxiety is that I'm not sure I have taste. I seem to find merit in pretty much any kind of music that's thrown at me, if I'm in the right mood. And why not? It's not as if there's a set of things I'm "supposed" to like. That's an adolescent kind of attitudes. (Yup, that's right, teenagers don't have attitudes, attitudes have teenagehood.) I've got nostalgia? Or I've just been using that word too often lately? Now my brother is rebuking the CD player, "Why is it skipping? I don't understand it. I'm so fed up with this machine." (Is specificity really that interesting, former poetry prof?) Is it that things aren't changing? Maybe I want to be busy. Maybe while some people are looking for a slower-paced life it'd be healthier for me to speed things up a bit. And that reminds me of the Spice Girls "Stop Right Now" song. Good globberbloink. At least today's pop music isn't as annoying as it was in the 1990s. That's true, right? Maybe? 140917 ... e_o_i My brother is not "sitting at the table yesterday." I guess reading that over made me grin. 140917 ... leif I don't always wake up wanting you... That scares me. Sometimes, I have to make the choice to want you. I don't know what that's means--if anything. 140919 ... Ugh. that* 140919 ... leif It means I get to choose you. And I do. 141021 what's it to you? who go blather from