manic kerry i was watching Pixies videos on my computer and thinking about photography and the weather. and i took my brother and i made him be my model, and he took off his shoes and i propped him up places and leaned him against things and made him look in certain directions and even made him laugh which was surprising. and i had the housekey and wouldn't let him back inside until he cooperated and did what i said. i wish i knew spanish, sometimes, though i don't usually like the way spanish sounds, i only want to know it so i can write poems like the pixies, because everything even if its vulgar sounds so beautiful, because its spanish, and black francis. i felt sad when i realized the sounds of crickets were coming from the tv. and there is maniacal laughing everywhere, in my head, and i laughed all through the first presentation in AP this morning and pissed off my teacher, i guess i was pretty rude, but that girl put the transparency up on the overhead and it was all about the russian revolution, with hearts and stars and squiggly lines drawn everywhere, and slang, and exclamation points. and how could you not laugh at that? there was a bare lightbulb on the desk last night and i took pictures of it and of myself sitting around it and everything. ghosty. new favorite words: wasp rasp jamb james said "did you have a good time friday? i'm just wondering." and i'm laughing at him always, affectionately of course, and he makes me feel klutzy, and i was dizzy again at school, and i can't stop being dizzy, constantly. all of a sudden my desk starts turning and i hold the sides and try to focus on anything. there was an earthquake here last night. it lasted 30 seconds and supposedly sounded like a big truck, very loud, and shook everything. it was a 4.5 on the rictor(ricter?) scale. but i slept through it, and i'm disappointed. in my dreams i'm kim deal with a steady head. i'm disappointed that i didn't wake up. everyone was talking about it at school. i want someone to come kidnap me. 030429 ... kerry i want to go jogging, but it is thundering really loud and everytime i go outside i feel one single raindrop on my arm, and i don't want to get caught out there, so i go inside. and repeat. there was a poetry slam at my school and it was all bullshit, mostly. except this one girl i used to know because she was in my beginning art class, and she was cool, i remember she told me she was bisexual and i didn't know what to say, Cool? oh.. because i didn't care, really. but she cut all her hair off this year, it makes her eyes shine brighter, and she got on stage and recited a slam poem about how she wants to start a revolution, which sounds dumb but it was really an awesome poem and she should've won, and her face was glowing and she was teeny and cute, her poem said she thought people should wear shirts that said things like I Kiss Girls on the front, "because it's true!" and i thought that was magnificent. and i almost forgot about devin's stinky stinky feet under my chair making my eyes water, and i wanted to run up there and hug her until she was black and blue. and today everyone was looking someplace else. the sky is murky gray but there is brilliant light on the trees and i don't know where it's coming from, and i'm bloated, and i'm bitter and a little cynical and a little insensitive i realize now, and the thunder's louder but still no rain and i can't ever eat but it's alright. 030501 ... kerry and i'm going to go outside now. it would be okay to be stuck in the rain. 030501 ... kerry except not today kind of a dreary sliding smile, things were... yeah, dreary. not all bad. he was wearing his dark gray thermal shirt today. man i like that shirt. when i am walking down the breezeway to go to my locker after the last bell of the day, and it is slippery and sticky outside and i flip my hair out of my face and want to go shower a million times because its so steamy, i look up and i see him walking a ways ahead of me, and he's wearing that shirt, and he has a nice back and i described this once before on blather actually about how it made him look almost womanly, but in a masculine way... oh i can't explain. it's something about the way it piles itself up at the bottom of his back where his belt is underneath. something like that. bo, i can't stand. cannot take any more of her bullshit. i don't wait for her one day after lunch and first thing she says when she comes in to Photo is "that is the Meanest thing you have ever done." and it is just like that whole elementary school thing where girls have to go to the bathroom in pairs? you know? i want to spit in her face when she says stuff like that. maybe that's mean. i don't want to wait for her. that's what i told johanna when i was getting my stuff, because bo was taking forever, and johanna said Don't Wait For Her. just Go. and i said 'she'll ask me why i didn't wait' and she told me 'who cares, you dont have to explain yourself to her if you don't want.' well duh, i said to myself, and then she walked in, and held up one finger bossing me around like always saying Wait. and i walk out. big fucking deal eh? yeah apparently it was. so a little later we are not even in class, we are in the spanish room and i am sitting there bored as usual the way i always am in there, with those greasy chairs and fluorescent lights and stupid spanish posters i can't read. so i leave, again. always leaving. the power goes out and in photo these girls teach me and our teacher how to play Hearts, so we play three games and by the third i must admit i am really getting the hang of it. bo comes down and says James was Asking For You. and she is mad as usual the way she is mad about everything. she's always pissed off. i'm not pissed off now though i sound like i am. i am passed being pissed. haha that looks funny. i am way passed that point anyway though. i just don't care anymore, at all. i want to go screaming down the street and just laugh about everything and laugh MANIC-ally, or manicly, anyway for hours. anyways. bo starts in sounding upset saying "we were playing cards and i was going to come get you and then he said he would, that it would be so much better than This, and i said No I would, and he said no i'll go get her and also, I Fold, and geez it was so weird, i dunno if i even want to go into their french class anymore," yatta yatta yatta i can't help tuning out near the end. so i go in there she ditches me i sit in the corner near the window with emily james and john all around and we're signing yearbooks and laughing, the rest of the class is watching a movie because the power is finally back on. i want to play Hearts, right now. i want to talk to james, i always want to talk to james. this is a rambling mess... that was my day. 030515 ... kerry crazy-good day, in bits and pieces, it was so nice outside so cold and breezy the way i love May to be, the way it never is, in chemistry i was feeling kind of sad and worried about the final coming up, only on thursday and i'm terrible at chemistry so it's just... i'm just really dreading it i guess. and then ross-- who i don't particularly like except that he's kind of dumb and funny to laugh at (not in a mean way but his silliness is very amusing)-- said to me, "hey, i was talking to james, and it was kind of random but i said 'are you and kerry going out? i always see you walking together,'" and i started laughing, he said, "yeah so i asked him if you guys were like going out and he said, 'sort of, yeah we kind of are,'" and again i'm laughing, i tell jo about it and she gets kind of excited, tells me how cute it is, and i'm just thinking Why didn't I know this??? during photography it is so sos os so hot in the classroom so i keep leaving, walking around outside praying Praying not to run into any administrators who will yell at me, and when i am coming out of the restroom i glance into the gallery as i walk by it, two boys with spiky hair and baggy jeans are peeping in the drawing room stained-glass window, they look up and see me and as i push through the doubledoors they yell, "Hey You!" but i dont stop, assuming they are talking to someone else or just messing with me, later i am sitting on the counter by the dryer reading Tristessa by Kerouac in the processing room feet propped up on a wobbly stool, and they walk in. one is tall and darkhaired, the other a stumpy redhead, cute in a roundish way, they look at me and the tall loud one says, Hey it's the Girl we were Yelling At, and pokes his friend, and says to me, My Friend thinks you're Hot. ugh. hot. i hate the way that makes people sound. greasy and too-tan and naked. the poor little guy. "i-i-i-i never said that." its so funny though. i dont say anything, just kind of smirk. they both watch me off and on for the next hour, and as i walk past the green couch i catch the tall one gazing my way. after school we had art NHS induction and then johanna and i came here to my house and walked to the park and talked about guys and played hackeysack and played on the swings. when we were walking home vail drove by screaming our names, pulled into the next road, and was going to drive us home. then i saw the gift she'd bought for her NHS buddy and remembered i didn't have one. sweet vail, we drove around until we ended up at sevenanda, the little health food store nearby. i bought "sandal" incense and a holder for my buddy, only spent $2.01!! wow. it is nice to feel independent. summer is here and i cannot wait to escape things. but in the office at school audrey and i were waiting for jo and i was talking to her, her so teeny with new haircut and kitty eyes and little hands, i said i couldn't believe we were out of school, i didnt tell her how sad it makes me, i felt as if i would cry. it was odd. 030519 ... kerry yesterday was the last day of school! two days ago james asked me for my locker combination. yesterday i went to my locker before 1st period and found a note that said, 'sorry, no surprise just yet, come back to your locker after 4th, trust me. -james' so anxious, so excited, except i hate receiving presents really, afraid i won't like them and won't be able to fake it, and just feeling as if i dont deserve them... on christmas i lay in bed wasting time and procrastinating, it takes me Forever to open things. slowly slowly slowly peeling away the wrapping paper, slowly slitting the tape with my fingernail. during lunch i go to my locker because john, who knew about it, said the building would be locked after 4th and he'd told james to do it beforehand. johanna was with me. i opened the locker and it was there, 2 pink roses, and a note, that said something like, 'i dont know why i did this, except i did. i also dont know about the wrapping/extra leaves non-sense, but enjoy... i guessed on color. love, james' johanna is [quietly] doing that annoying girl-squeal thing and my eyes fill up with tears because i dont really know what to do with these and i'm so happy but i'm so confused, about katie and what's going on with that because i've tried to avoid the subject when i'm with him, and because he signed Love on the card, and because it's sweet, and they're roses, and they're too pink, but it doesn't matter, and there's only 2 and i love that, so we go to jackie's french class and sit around , they're watching a video of french disney sing-a-longs except not really watching, we tell jackie and i start up sniffling again tears in my eyes and nothing coming out, jo tells me i'm not supposed to know that james and katie started cooling off a while ago, and john told her in his cheesy john-way, [which is just how he is and doesn't reflect at all upon the cheesiness of the situation because it's NOT cheesy] that his [james'] heart is really with me, and i hate the way he put that, it made me feel as if i were bloated and mushy and puffing out, but it was nice, the concept. i'm really trying to stress the fact that this is NOT dramatic and not a soap-opera. we got let out of school 10 minutes early and since we weren't going to our lockers i didnt know where he was. so i walked around a bit, didn't find him, and went to the student parking lot where i talked to jackie and jo and marykathryn and started to get kind of worried because i wanted so badly to thank him. then he finally came and i went up the stairs to talk to him and stupid people were in my way but i wanted to hug him, he had something else in his other hand, a nalgene bottle or something, maybe it was a hat, so it was a one-armed hug but it was nice, he has strong shoulders and he is perfectly my size. we are the same height. [i am short, so he is very short.] i would almost like to hug him forever and nothing else because it is such a nice feeling. it wasn't that great of a hug but i'm sure there would be many more to come. better hugs that is. i asked what they were for and he told me he didn't know. he told me he'd gotten a gift certificate to the flower shop for winning the soccer tournament. i said "so there's really no reason?" wishing wishing there could be. he kind of shrugs, smiling, and says, "i dunno, i guess for gracing me with your presence." [later, johanna swooned over this statement. i didn't even think about it so much because that is the sort of thing he says all the time and it is normal.] when we were standing together sort of talking not really sure what to say but happy all the same, he kept watching me, smiling, and i kept looking at the roses, loving them, and didn't know what else i could possibly do to get the point across that they meant a lot to me. but hopefully this weekend i will be able to see him. last night i drove around for a few hours after the state soccer game with vail and jackie, we went to CVS and bought streamers and we found cones on a little street nearby and we pranked a couple houses. just silly people, nothing tragic no massive rolls of toilet paper or eggs because we were cheap and had a limited amount of time until i had to be home. but it was fun. a good way to start off the summer, i think. 030524 ... getting my kerry fix 080114 what's it to you? who go blather from