closure APRicochetMVP so it seems you have moved on. it's about damn time. let's see if it's for real this time. 050619 ... . Just gotta screw it in a little tighter, don't ya? Try getting over your self. 050620 ... Sonya This never seems to materialize soon enough for people. Some people never get their closure. The scar just covers the wound. 050622 ... suicidalchinadoll it came when I saw the beast and wasn't scared or ashamed. after that, the baggage was all my own. 090707 ... raze isn't always all it's cracked up to be. 130306 ... unhinged regardless it feels better than groundless uncertainty when the sound of a ringing phone can give you panic attacks silence is a blessing 130306 ... no reason i never, ever get this. even/especially with the people i've trusted the most to give it to me. it sure makes it hard to trust people. 140825 ... unhinged (i never do either my trust is currently at an all time low) 140825 ... nr "life isn't about closure." this may be true, but if you know something for certain, it makes it a lot easier to accept reality and move on. if you never know what happened or why, there are always dangerous lingering possibilities that can be hard to let go of. 150825 ... nr weird. it was exactly a year ago that i posted about this. 150825 ... amy in red blue nr, that sounds like something I would think and say. If you are still in the same space, that is. But then, if the repeated contact with key people in your life is always one-up, one-down you go fuck this i gotta get out of here. But i can't eliminate the thing where you have time away from people only to come back to them some unknown and unfigured amount of time later. My med precludes drinking much alcohol and I'm trying to discern what, without any sort of judgment, the effect of alcohol really is. Does it include forgetting how one *feels* at various junctures, or does it depend more on the strength of the various emotions at the various junctures. As I get more agéd I'm losing my sense of continuity (not that I think that I have Alzheimer's but I might, although I wouldn't put it passed the meds to ruin me sooner than I think). It will take 3-4 days to prod myself to remember something from 3-4 months ago and I'll be all, ah that! I should probably remember that, it's helpful. I bring it up because a remembrance of "screw him" can really help one get out of weeds and shut down possibilities for the time being. I know part of the deal where my friends aren't around any more is because i have "screw you" written on most of my doors - definitely not closure but also not open, either. I figure it's either i'm not mature/grown up/can't talk/scared or they can't care for whatever reason so it's, yadda yadda, "their loss", so why be open at all. Now it suffers from chicken and egg syndrome. Until later, when the accounts are more settled and forgiveness checked off the list, residue from stupid life detritus cleared out, and we meet again. But life is far, far, far from perfect & we are on different timekeepers, so demoralizing, but i guess one's relationships need to get stronger. I've been bad at gender roles and I won't get better r'ships till I manage something more polarized. Boo and hiss that was really ramblely and venus rx... 150826 ... nr amy: you mean you'd say life isn't about closure? sometimes i wonder if it would matter as much if we didn't let it matter as much. if we said exactly how we felt and what we wanted. sometimes it seems like there's some kind of pride taken in being mysterious or aloof, in exhibiting some kind of false security, when in reality, honesty could get us more answers. or at least provide some closure on our end. 150826 ... amy in red blue jew Yes, I would say that. As far as I can think it is hard to get closure because of three main objectives that are kind of hard to achieve, after some sort of camaraderie has been established. You'd have to really dislike the person. They would be a low priority. They'd have to show an unhealable misunderstanding such that they are a waste of time unless you were a teacher or a tireless charity provider who needed a paycheck or brownie points. Otherwise you will meet people again, either them or their reflection in somebody will remind you of them. I think it's hard to be over people- I really do. if you need to "get ahead" or you feel entitled to something and someone seems like they are in the way, you really are not relating to them (and maybe they are too aloof to notice so they are not relating to you) that would be more self centered and territorial, which can get so silly, but i should stop because i fear i'm probably being triggering and too flexible and nothing to lose ( i really don't have anything to lose ) and uncommitted to life. This is why you get those Moses clay tablets: people like me bring too flexible, disrespecting time, gender norms and being hypocritical and inconsistent ( & i'm not sure which of the last two is worse of me, actually ) Also, nr, the people of chi-town are a little fuzzy... with clarity egos doing oneupmanships, always. which is worse the fuzziness or the egos not sure not sure. 150827 ... unhinged at this point it is just something that i expect NOT to happen. people come and go. things come and go. especially in the case of people, even if you can pinpoint the ending or going, it really doesn't help you feel 'better' in most cases. or maybe what you thought was the end wasn't the end to them and they still contact you. the endless permutations of that make this whole concept a fantasy to me know. there is never a clear cut line where things begin or where they end. replaying the regrets in an endless loop never made the things i missed come back. we tried to make some kind of closure when we broke up. we talked about it even though he tried his best to avoid having a conversation as i gathered all my things in his apartment. he said mean things, petulant like a child, to cover up the fact that it was painful for him. that alone should have been enough to show me it was better, to sever the relationship and not let it linger on as a friendship. i emailed him a few days after to address some of the things he had said that were hurtful to which he never responded. pretty much classic example of closure. to this day, we have not said another word to each other. but a little over a year later, i found out he was already married to someone else and my heart and hands shook after i found out, like an earthquake or a knife in the back. all those things i thought were buried came back. so much for ending. 150827 what's it to you? who go blather from