imaginary_life not quite nr you appear in my dreams but not in a haunting way; maybe just in a way that reminds me of you and your role in my life. i go over to your house to bring back your banjo. you greet me in the hallway and we walk into your kitchen, and you grab a can of Blood Brothers beer out of the fridge. you offer me one and i take it. we chat and catch up, and one beer turns into two, and then we decide to bring the third one into the living room, turning on some TV coverage of what's going on around us. i look over at you, wondering what role you actually do play. it's similar to the dreams in some ways. do i want to kiss you? a little, in the moment, because of the strange, indistinct, sporadic connection we share, but not really. do i want to do more than that with you? it would be good at the time because of who we are and our subtle connection, but not really. it definitely wouldn't be worth it. i decide to just lean into you, burrow into your warmth, trying to forget. you're the most intriguing blanket i've ever known. 220113 ... nr "sometimes i feel like i've wasted my life being fearful. i'm too old to feel as free as those 20somethings i read about." "what's free about them?" "they move somewhere foreign just because they want to. they tour in a band and meet interesting people. they lounge around drinking coffee and reading the paper with their lovers like it's something new and exciting." "well, you're lying around with me. and you play in bands, even though you don't tour. and you've lived elsewhere." "but it never feels the same. and you don't want me for real; you never did." "some things are romanticized for a reason." 220113 ... oops actually not_quite_nr 220113 ... not quite nr you're in the next room, asking if i need anything. i reply that maybe i should have some more water, but i can't handle anything else. i tell you how crappy i'm feeling and that it's a bit scary. "i know," you say sympathetically, out loud. "but you'll feel better soon, and i'm right here." "thanks mom." 220116 ... epitome of incomprehensibility A good deal of my thoughts are spent on imaginary people. 220116 ... nr she took a sip of her vodka tonic, staring listlessly at the hockey game on the TV behind the bar. then another sip, and another, and another. "hey," she called to the bartender. "another vodka tonic, please." "you're going to get drunk pretty quickly at that rate!" he said from the stool beside her. she shrugged, still staring ahead. "i'm used to it." "do you like being drunk?" he asked. "it helps me access my emotions. sometimes it makes me think i care," she replied. "about what?" "myself. others. the world. this bar. you. the guy beside you. politics. weather. brad pitt. anything." "and do you care? about those things?" "i don't care about most things." "do you care that you don't care?" she finally turned to him with a faint chuckle. "yes. and no." the bartender handed her a new drink and she took a sip. 220119 ... gah again, this should've been not_quite_nr! 220119 ... unhinged has always been fuller than my external waking_life 220120 ... not quite nr "let me know what you're doing for your birthday. if you're in town, i might be able to fly in," he told her. she paused, not sure how she felt. "i don't know yet. i don't know what i'll do or when. i don't know where i'll be." i don't even know what i want or who i am, she added to herself. he told her to let him know when she knew, because he'd need to book a flight. he'd need to stay in the place she'd have likely wanted to use to host a party, rendering that inconvenient. he'd have other needs. but he'd be coming here "for her." this isn't the way you would have done it. it's not the way things are done. she pressed mute on the phone so he wouldn't hear her sigh. 220209 what's it to you? who go blather from