who_you_are_now fyn gula change is the one welcomed even though the dogs bark as if a stranger has arrived. you hear the steps on the wood planks of the porch in between the off key howls and when the door opens, you say to come in. change doesn't remove the shoes. the mud is brought in and the footprints remain when the dirt dries. change is the one who hangs the coat on the hook where several coats already hang on top of each other and when it falls to the ground, one of the indoor cats crawls quietly on top of it and falls asleep. change walks into the kitchen laughing, telling stories of when you were someone you no longer are, drinking the last of your toscana, and you hear the words, but you see the future. and you know when the hours pass and the car rolls down the stone driveway, when the barking fades from four dogs to one and then silence, you will turn off the porch light, sit down at the empty table, and measure the distance from here to there. at each chair you will see the ghosts of your former selves. and somehow you realize who you are now is a passenger in the car that just left, rolling down the window, feeling a strange wind in your face. 010228 ... silentbob bobby 18 living with my parents single and hating it scared about college unsure of myself 010228 ... TeriiK I'm "such a nice guy"... i'm, "only a friend"... i have no idea who i am, people define themselves by other people's view points. So to my X, im just another guy she cheated on. To my parents, im a working failure. How do you define yourself when you feel like your dead inside? I guess i just answered my own question...im dead. She killed me. 010311 ... dB I don't even belong here. I can't say who I am, or be anything in particular. In me, people see exactly what they want to see. In many I am all their fears personified. To others I am some great tycoon or something that they respect because they have to. To others still I am just a smart guy who hates. I am all of these things, I am none of these thing. I am who you would have me be. 010311 ... Aimee a crying, embittered, hurt, and confused little aimee 010311 ... nocturnal absolutely nothing like who I wish I was. 010311 ... johnny west something different every day. i can change the way i look. i can change the way i act. but i can't change the fact that i'll never fully understand who i am. and to accept that is to accept myself. 010311 ... farmfish i am the one you look at because you see a part of yourself in me, maybe a part you like, maybe a part you're glad you're not. you want to talk to me and i could tell you some fucking shit and we would laugh our asses off and go away friends, in just five minutes. 011012 ... stars So different from who I was last year.. but not really. I'm still me. I'm still stupid and naive. I'm still a child. But I'm different. I'm older and I know things you don't, or maybe I know things that you don't want to admit you know. 011012 ... niki college student that's about the only difference 011012 ... mister mourning traveling man one who moves 011012 ... yummyC faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat ugly horrible i destroy every guy i CAN as much as i can im never happy with anything i hate babies. thankyou forcryingnonstopandnotlettingmehelpyouicanneverfigureoutwhatshescryingaboutandshewontstopisweariamneverbabysittingagain 011012 ... soul person in the corner. Unsocial. Uhh. In those darn teenage phases where your trying to figure out who you are. arghhh. i hate teenage phases. stupid..stupid..stupid things. SEND MONEY 011012 ... Sonya the sullen feline College student in massive debt. Someone who refuses to be called a "woman" (I prefer the term girl, long explanation.) I'm sullen and opinionated. I have many fears and doubts. I'm also dead inside due to being "unintentionally" hurt beyond imagination and comprehension. I'm constantly taunted by fate & circumstance. I'm confused, misunderstood, anti-social to a certain degree. Let's see what else...I'm short! Oh and I'm also the proverbial hopeless (perhaps tragic) romantic to top it all off. I realize I'm not much different now than when I was younger. People still expect a lot from me but of course they're constantly disappointed or something. Wouldn't want to be me you say? I don't blame you. 011013 ... unhinged so i'm 20 now have been for a few days i was doing fine for awhile thought you liked me or something but you were just using me like all of them i've had time to ruminate on the past couple of decades and i'm seeing the trend 'how does it feel to be used?' normal average american when i was a teenager i used to hope that i would find a niche where everyone cared; well maybe not everyone but at least someone but the more years that go by the more painfully obvious it becomes that there are those who walk on and those who let themselves be walked upon so i'm sitting alone on a saturday night because no one needs to go for a walk today no one needs to get high no one needs to have sex just sitting here talking to sheryl contemplating cutting missing my brother who am i now? i still didn't know but i'm desparate 011013 ... Dafremen I've thought about you do0d. Not necessarily in a right here right now, real world way. More in a hypothetical New York strangers that pass in the night sort of way. Sort of a scene from a play that was never followed up with intention(I'm too madly in love with my wife and family to have even wishful designs on anyone else), but which was certainly an expression of my frustration at seeing you suffer through disappointment after disappointment, emotional abuse and indignity after indignity. It was an expression, not of sympathy, but of empathy and motivated out of a desire to ease the pain before your heart turns to stone. I wrote this about a scene in the big city. You were one of the main characters: Hey there wonder why You make me laugh You make me cry With your cold feet And your silly way of making me numb Hey there gotta know Is there a reason That you gotta go? I'm all alone And I thought we could get out of the cold...you know? Take a short trip to anywhere You get the coffee I'll pay the fare And we'll talk about All the things we never thought we'd get out. Then when they're closing up When your toes are warm You've drained your cup And I've drained mine Time has finally come for lonely folx to be off to bed. We give our hugs say our goodbyes I look into Your lovely eyes And I want to tell you something But the things I say just get in the way...you know? Hey there wonder why As you turn to leave I start to cry Cuz I know I'm all alone And I know that soon your feet will be cold. 011104 ... nocturnal I am now in that sickeningly cliche stage of finding who I am. not searching, just realising. this is what I've got so far: I'm finally really ready for independence. I don't want to go home anymore. not to that house with those people and their twisted mentalities that have fucked me up for the last time. I'm nearly impossible to get along with because I'm so self-concerned. but not when it counts. if you're my friend and you're upset for whatever reason, I'm right there, listening to you pour out everything till you feel better. I'm an addict of different things. I need a substance to kill sobriety all day every day. I don't deal well with reality. no one understands me because I don't give anyone the chance. the core issue of understanding me is simply that I'm fucked up, too lazy to want to change that and lock myself up because of it. I put myself first except for those times when I'm supposed to. I'm a bad person, but I don't have a problem with that, which makes it even worse. I'm a flirt but only with complete strangers. I'm terrified of any kind of commitment, personal or otherwise. I am fake. I'm a liar. 011104 ... . : * p s y b o r g * : . A bratty little 7th grader who refuses to do her homework, particularly math. Giddy and hyper whenever Justin or Tyler looks, smiles at, or talks to me. 011104 ... whoknows -------- 011104 ... whoknows that didnt quite work. it was supposed to be an arrow pointing to my identity. poor attempt at being witty i know but im bored. 011104 ... yummyC not who I used to be. 011104 ... birdmad same piece of debris i've been throughout my adulthood i was quite prepared to believe otherwise, but it was brought sharply back into focus before i really got the chance to see past it like the bug in an ant-lion pit, just when i'm about to reach the edge of it and climb out, it all caves back in again and i'm right back where i started i finally understand the madness of Lady MacBeth, my hands will never be clean. nor will i 011104 ... unhinged daf...just read that poem. it made me cry. liked it a lot. 011105 ... Dafremen Me too just now, cried with you. Glad ya liked it do0d. 011105 ... Aimee someone who is unhappy because she can't please anyone, and when she finally tries to please herself, she gets sh*t on. 011105 ... unhinged i come back to this page to read it a lot daf. i think it's earned a place in my real life journal. 011115 ... lovers lament since i left you i am nearly invincible don't let many things touch me the way that they used to since you've been gone i have all the confidence i need i see the way i am beautiful i've learned how to get along. so you see me now see a smile that's honest and sober see i'm so independent, alive say things to try and bring me down the thing you don't know is i've had your number for awhile realized i don't have to settle although you are missed real love doesn't die i've had enough time to understand so my smile doesn't mean i've changed i'm not just getting by it's all part of a plan. 011115 ... Dafremen I know you've already earned a place in mine do0d. I believe it started with TACT. Is this what they call a blather_moment? 011115 ... Aaron i know i'm not who i used to be.. but who am i now.. confused.. alone.. i don't sleep right.. hardly ever social.. usualy quiet.. very much going insane... schitzophrenic on medication.. -artist~at~work-/..... not a very good one.. the only thing that i'm any good at at the moment is writing.. at least i think so.. i can't draw the way i used to. like riding a bike? i doubt that.. my black and white semi tribal would be tattoo designs don't come to me the way they used to... and what of who i am... not much.. alone in a house made for three.. theres only me.. three animals who i end up playing mother to.... and my computer which doesn't really count.. all my love interests eather don't see me as one.. or don't live close enough to be with right now.. i'm a recovering addict.. i'm hardly ever on time.. i'm running out of me to talk about.. 011116 ... psychobabe hmmmmm, i can look back on only the 15 years i've been alive and see whats changed in my. Fuck i've changed greatly from what i used to be. So what if i'm only 15, i can say i've lived alot of my life hid under a fake imagine until about this summer. God i cant even explain a quarter of this on this site, it'd just keep going and going. But what i can say is that i've changed many times. Started out being a happy kid, ya know, skraped knees, running outside till it was dark and then comeing in to take a bath and go to bed. Mainly thats what it was until the emotions caught up with me and i finally knew what pain and heartbreak was. SURE i can complain about how my life was fucked up, and other bullshit whiney things but man, save that for some talkshow. I mean come on, when you think you have it bad, there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse. I havent seen anyone prove that statement wrong which is why i respect it. But what i am now, is something i never thought i could be! something i never thought was possible for me to even try and imagine, i am soo happy. I have friends, many friends that love me and would do anything to keep me around : ) do you know how great that feeling is? I have a family, an actual family-mom, older sis, little sis, dad, step dad, and step mom. I have a family! i could be out on the streets being murdered but i'm here under this roof, safe and warm where i wont be hurt. My family would die for me, they would do anything to keep me around also. Thinking of these things i never realized them before, before i was a fucked up little kid! Like i said i'm only 15, but hell i've matured soooooo greatly! I have a long way to go still, but i've lived. Free, happy, sad at times, but all in all happy. I was sad, depressed, let down, and a fucking fake image of me before. I started with popular *not ment to bash the type* people and i was hurt. They hurt me DAMN good, then i went to the goths and dark *also not ment to bash!!!!* but somehow i thought i was happy, but i never really was. Inside i was screaming to be something different but never had the guts to let go of the goths. After a long and hard fight with my main friend from the group *not anymore* i learned none of this was me. None of it! and i went back to my friend sarah *she's me best bud i knew her in the beginning!* and i always stayed friends with her, but going back to the past type and just being with those friends then also meeting friends form outta town *I LOVE YOU GUYS!* totally turned it all around. I was happy. I was loved. And now here i am, happy and liveing my life like i should. i dont konw if i could ask for anything better 011116 ... sabbie right now? right right now? sabbie is one of my muses. everyone has arcetypes, from ancient mythological charaters such as aphrodite and eris to charaters from your favorite books and movies, door from neverwhere, rosencrantz and guildernstern ( are dead ) to charaters you have come up with yourself ( such as marissa and fogmuse and, of course, sabbie herself). whatever you have been exposed too in your life up till now. your inner life is partly a play with all these charaters having roles and cameos in it. mary and lucifer and eris and god and salome and alice and the_woman_clothed_with_the_sun and medusa and joan of arc and pandora and yossarian and ophelia and lilith are all a part of my life; they are all a part of me, and i am a part of every one of them (its only fair that way). other people believe in gods. i believe in muses. muses are people (and things) who inspire you over and over again, or even just once. my friend silvermae is one of my muses. blather is one of my collective muses. theres a certian red haired girl and a black haired boy who share an apartment in my head (the decor is pretty phenonomal!) sabbie is another of my muses, she's one of my faves- a muse with a wicked sence of humour and an evil grin. she and i get along really well. who am i now? after years of exploration i am finally beginning to understand who i am, and that makes me feel more secure than i have ever been before. "and as she labeled that bit of herself [one thing] she was then free to label some other bit [something different]; and she felt a little like herself all over, as though she were fitting into her skin a little more securely. she was still not sure what she was, but at least she need not be unhappy for not knowing; and now, perhaps, she had the missing pieces she needed to begin to learn" (robin mckinley 'the blue sword') 011124 ... piercedjenny i'm this girl who doesn't look in the mirror or look at my shadow, i'm afraid of what i'll see. i don't step on a scale because it would mock me by reading a low number when i can look at people's faces when they see me and know that i am not as skinny as a scale makes me seem. i sit up day and night and think about how much fun i used to have when i was confident and alive and partying and the centre of the fun. i am a girl who has died twice, and somehow is still here, even though knowing i can't do what i used to puts me in a position of not feeling alive. i do not sleep i cannot eat i travel with companions in my head. they are full of distrust disgust and general non-use for me, i wish they would go away. i'm a smart girl who everyone assumes is dumb because of all the drugs i've taken. i don't take them anymore because they would kill me, but then again, maybe if i did, just for one more day i'd feel fucking alive. i'm a fucked up girl. 011124 ... Effingham Fish A pyramid structure based on who you were then. 020112 ... unhinged i've found part of the answer in the ensuing months i have begun to let some past injustices go i have let go of childish attachments of the past i have opened my mouth to ruin simplicity again but i found out why i scare people i think because my words are too bright and abrupt for what i am really trying to say that if they could look into my heart without having to read the words they would find that i love wholly i just want to fix that's all but with these realizations i've lost another shred of the small fabric of hope that i still held on to that i had placed him on a sufficiently high pedestal that is now pretty much shattered remembering him speak of her while he told me i was his ecstasy all in one breath that he's gone out there to bring her back that i can't compete with that because he is more human than i gave him credit for but i stare into her tiny blue eyes and realize that everythings_not_lost the hope of unwritten innocent unexperienced life written on her tiny blue eyes arielle changing me into my last stage of adultness helping me realize that i can't ever have children because to look into those eyes is to build a wall to shelter from reality which may be the cruelest form of child abuse known to man i am an aunt with unfinished designs 020112 ... girl_jane I am simple. 020912 ... CJ I don't know time will tell 020912 ... devalis the people we've become will never be the people who we are. 020913 ... Scabbed Angel i have no clue who i am iv looked and looked and cant seem to find my self, iv become a beast that i have no clue who it is but i hope i find myself, im lost right now on the journey to fimd meaning in this world. 040115 ... egger well captured, fyn and sabbie. 040116 what's it to you? who go blather from