an_apology_to_my_unborn_wonder onemorebumpintheroad For my child: I jumped out of bed last tuesday and called planned parenthood. they told me that they didn't have any free appointments until friday. so i hopped in my car and drove to walmart. it was something like eleven in the morning, and i rolled my windows down and opened the sun roof. it was such a beautiful day. my heart wouldn't slow down; i thought i was going to have a heart attack before i could even find out if i was pregnant or not. that would have been a laugh. my heart did not give out on me though. i bought an EPT test and took it back to your father's house. two lines showed within 30 seconds, but i left the test alone for the full 3 minutes anyways. maybe i thought God would just take a line away in a 'just kidding' type of fashion. didn't happen. i cried for three days. i'm still crying inside, but i don't let anyone know. everyone around me thinks that life is just peachy. couldn't be better. the only two people that know any differently are myself and your father. i'm so sorry. i will spend the rest of my life being sorry, but it doesn't change my decision. i'm not ready for you. he's not ready for you. i don't want my child to grow up with daddy the coke dealer and mommy the cokehead. what kind of life would that be? i don't even have a job. i have no skills of meritable worth. anything we could provide for you would come from drug money or some petty check i might make at some shitty cashier's job. this doesn't mean i don't love you. i love you already. i love you more than i've ever loved anything. i'm already wondering what color hair you'd have, eyes, if you would look like me. i wonder what great thing you could grow up to be. i want to raise you and teach you love, forgiveness, compassion, independence. i want to show you the things that my parents didn't show me. i want to lay out your world of options and let you choose your own path. i want to show you the magic in everything. i want to teach you to be strong but not heartless. i want to hold you and rock you back to sleep after you have a nightmare. i want to watch your eyes light up when you get your first Christmas present, your first date. i want to give you a life. but i can't. i'm sorry. know that you were conceived of love. no matter who would doubt it and say i am too young, i love him. he loves me. and even with his hard exterior, i can see that this hurts him too. he loves you. i love you. i've been so hungry since you've been growing inside of me. and every time i make myself something to eat i think, 'this is for my child, my little baby. i'm feeding my son or daughter' i am so sorry. i will never stop apologizing. i will always mourn you. i will never completely move on with my life. this is the only thing that i can give you. when you die, you will have a part of my heart that i will never see again. a piece of my soul, the chord between us. but it still changes nothing. i will still be a murderer soon. i will still give you to God, if He does in fact exist. and i know that he will be a good, loving father for you. these words are hollow, silly. an apology for something that i won't take back. i admit my selfishness. i just know that this is right. not good or fair, but right. the only choice. so i'm sorry. i love you. i hope your little soul can forgive me. i will always be your mother. Love, A 020603 ... tourist Much Sympathy to You. Take Care and Be Comforted This is a Hard World That was a Hard Choice Forgive Yourself and Move on Carefully 020603 ... things_have_to_get_better_right? To my child, I'm sorry. I do think of you, and for what I've done to you, I may burn in hell. At least you're better than you would have been with your 14 year old mother. 020603 ... Photophobe A painful ting either way. You're doing the right thing, I think. Your wishes are beautiful. Save them for a child with a better destiny. 020603 ... farmfish someday you will be an amazing mother. my prayers are with you. be at peace. 020603 ... Dafremen It was nice of you to apologize. If it's any consolation, in the grand scheme of things, you have done no harm. There will be other opportunities for the material that could one day have been your child. There is no unhappiness for that material and certainly no crime. There is only one potential for life which must wait a bit longer to be realized. That is all. 020603 ... god i was involved in the same scenario, and made the same choice. i'm a dude, though. i just want you to know i identify with your plight. 020603 ... onemorebumpintheroad it's strange that words can be so comforting. they're like a warm embrace. a fire on a cold night. no hug, no touch could be more tender or reach me so deeply. thanks. 020603 ... onemorebumpintheroad you would have been a little over a year old now. I still apologize. Time has not made my heart cold to this. I will always wonder what you would have been; the things I could have taught you. I already think that perhaps I made the wrong choice. Maybe I should have taken the chance to raise a wonder of the world. But maybe I'm just grieving... I'm not completely sure. That is life's greatest torture...uncertainty. Oh, well. I just said goodbye to my father again and for the seventh year, but I feel guilty that you never got to say hello. Which is the greater sin? Giving life with melancholy or not even giving the choice? 030303 ... gay gizmo the light shades of blue above. form beautiful thoughts. tears of warmth, sadness, and empathy are in my eyes. you will be an amazing mother. and one day your child will know, and they will know how uch it meant to you. and they will hold you, and look into your eyes. and then you'll wonder if its the same child. and you will be blessed. stay beautiful 030303 ... onemorebumpintheroad as the days run towards June i cannot let go of the two of you has your father finally found his wings do you have all of the things that i couldn't give you here? is there forgiveness from you two in my tears? the years have not washed away my regrets that i never met my little angel that i couldn't have kept your dad happy enough to stay alive that i pushed my feelings for you two aside when you died so i could attempt to get by it wasn't right but every day the wounds are as fresh as they were the day before and i want to give you peace but have none to offer anymore i swore to never feel close to anyone again but those walls are tumbling and the feelings are rushing back in and i've been so completely alone in my heart for so very long it feels good to let someone strong in but for some reason i feel guilty moving on am i so wrong to want happiness after tragedy? to see a potential life that could make me happy? to want to reopen myself to new possibilities? i'm not trying to replace the life that i had no one can i just hope you two understand. -For My Unborn Wonder And The Man I Couldn't Save. please forgive me for all i have done. i wish i could take it all back.- 050418 ... pSyche I almost cry every time I read this... ... ... ... I wonder... is that how that girl I know feels? ... ... 050418 ... onemorebumpintheroad Four years for you and three for your father some days i wonder what it would have been like to be a mother this message comes late this year the mere thought of you is harder to think of with no tears who gets to say when this will end should it end? or should i be stuck in the purgatory i'm in confined to love but never enough because i can never give them the warm parts of my now chilled heart that will always be yours and i add another useless death to the list he'll never know how i wished i could have been there to take the bullet undeserved he flies with the angels with the two of you but i don't have the nerve all these deaths and i'm left living for what? the next wake? the next time a friend or lover makes the wrong decision makes a mistake? and all i can do is look inside the casket and mourn you were never born, and my lover pulled the trigger on his soul my friend fell in the hole with someone he wasn't able to pay and dad, don't think i've forgotten you i think of all of you every day i go over the ways that i could have saved all of you but i fell short and all i have is your graves. 060821 ... ungreat your heart will defrost and you'll find love again, and you'll carry the weight of the past on your shoulders but you'llbe strong again, and life will move on and you'll be ok. You're far stronger than you know, you're still here. 070909 ... Dafremen Were you sorry enough to not take a chance on doing it again? If not..then this was just written to alleviate your feelings of guilt and get you back to "normal." Some way of..getting over the hump of casually creating, then just as casually discarding what might have been someone. Sex MAKES people...wanted and unwanted. Sex creates dilemmas, both asked for and unwanted. Otherwise if, you've realized all of that...congratulations..must've been hard. I was discarded at the age of four. (Guess "Mom" wasn't as on the ball as you are.) Congratulations on getting rid of your problem. 070910 ... KarmaBound Dafremen how you have changed over the years. You go from a post of comfort to one of ignorance, it makes me wonder what was done to you to make you so cold. I am sorry for whatever it was. Yes I was reckless back then, I had many problems, drugs were just the tip of the iceberg. I was 20 then, am 30 now and still I am paranoid about sex with a partner that I have been with for 5 years. I practice safe sex, but even so if I am late, I have panic attacks and have even had fits where I was inconsolable for days thinking that I was once more pregnant. I have considered surgery, but at this time cannot afford it. 10 years have past and at last I am becoming a person who is whole A person that I would not be ashamed for you to know I quit drinking last year I am drug free and my conscience is starting to clear Rocky I hope that wherever you are, you are at peace That in your death you have found a release I will miss you both to the end of my time But have found that my choice was in no way a crime I couldn't hold on tight enough to keep one from leaving And even today my heart is still grieving The choice that I made was not made in haste And no tear was wasted that went to mourning your passing I hope you are both laughing and care free There have been so many changes in me But one thing that will always remain My love for you both will stay the same. To Rocky and My child ~ Still missed and dearly loved. 120216 ... me You are strong. You are not bad. I am sorry myself for treating people unfairly, mostly in an emotional sense... but still, it worse when the people involved are already people and not potential ones. Forgiveness can be an abstraction, but it's one that often helps, as you wrote so powerfully. Now you just have to use iambic pentameter to match all those rhyming couplets, and you'll be set for life. See? You're better than the people who aren't yet convinced life is real. Like . 120217 ... Karma_Bound No more poems. Just missing what I never had... I had the surgery. No more wondering if I am pregnant, no more panic attacks about that at least. But now a part of my heart yearns for the child that never was. I think I will miss you for the rest of my life. I have been sober for over a year. It's something at least. 130127 ... epitome of incomprehensibility So I did read this before - I thought it was a sort of deja vu. But "me" was me, and I'm sorry I sounded like such an asshole. No idea what poetry had to do with anything anyway. I'm glad things are going better. All the best, . 130320 ... unhinged to_my_unborn_wonder 130321 ... onemorebumpintheroad Epitome - I have been wondering if the "me" post was supportive or if it was a knock. I appreciate that you took the time to say. It has been a hard week. Trying to return to Blather, this is where my heart has been for years. I don't write so much anymore. But every time I think of blather, I think of this page. I am back in the hole. I know I'll be out again, but it hurts. 130322 ... xeadl I don't recall ever noticing this on blather before. Forgive me for interjecting my own experience on this page, but I am struck with awe that someone could have an experience so similar to my own and yet so different. I had an unwanted pregnancy in my early 20's. It was very upsetting but I knew immediately it could not go on. I wasn't even fit to carry a child to conception for adoption at that point. I was deeply sad afterwards, and it certainly influenced my future choices, but it hasn't haunted me, and I don't think about the child that might have been. I'm not certain about a lot of things but I'm fairly certain that I couldn't have given the child what it deserved, and I don't believe in having children unless you're prepared to do your very best to raise the child. I know it works out sometimes, but I don't believe in accidental children. The world has enough people. We're not short on people around here. I do have my shit together now, and along with that, an intended child. I doubt I'd be where I am today if I hadn't done what I did then. I don't feel I have anything to mourn. I read something the other day that some women who have miscarriages are deeply affected, and others aren't at all (the point of the article was not to give condolences prematurely). I don't know first hand, but I imagine being more heartbroken by the unintended loss of a wanted child than the intended loss of an unwanted child. But I do understand that any and all emotional reactions are valid. Have to let that stuff bubble up. 130322 ... Lovers Lament I guess partially it may be my strong religious background that affects me. I got out of the Apostolic Pentecostal religion when I was 13, but some of their beliefs are still ingrained in me, even if my logical side, or my emotional side for that matter says that it makes no sense. I made the decision, the right decision I still believe, but for all of the wrong reasons. It didn't help that almost a year to the day of my abortion, the father shot himself. It made me wonder even more that I had sacrificed a part of him that might have lived on. But it's not just that either. In the short time I was pregnant, I marveled at the life in me, I felt attachment to that life. So when it ended, by my choice, it was hard. It still is hard. And although I managed to convince myself over the years that I am not the person to want or need a child, since I have had the operation to make it impossible, I have found myself regretting that choice as well. To permanently cut myself off from the possibility, but I know more than anything, if I could have a child, I wouldn't want a different one, I'd want the one that I chose not to have. I feel like it's good that not every woman is this deeply affected. I don't feel like it should be entered lightly, but I don't feel that people should punish themselves for the rest of their life for it either. However, as logical as I can be, my heart has never gotten past it. I feel the loss when I see a child, when I play with a friend's child or my nephew, I feel the loss when watching movies or reading books. It's not ever present. Not 24 hours a day, but I do believe it's 7 days a week. While it is much guilt, it is also sorrow. That is a life I would pay dearly to have seen grow up, and would pay even more dearly to be the mother of. I made my choice for selfish reasons. I didn't want to lose the father who said he'd leave me, and I knew I was an addict who would not give up a drug. I was scared, I didn't feel I was capable. For all of that, all of that selfishness, I am glad that I put myself first back then, because if I hadn't, I believe I would have given birth and kept the child, and probably given him (I feel like it was a boy, as ridiculous as that may sound) a horrible life. Not to mention the fact that he very possibly would have been seriously harmed in the womb by the drugs and alcohol I had consumed before I even found out I was pregnant. For all of the pain I feel, I don't want to put this burden down. I feel like it should be a burden that I carry for the rest of my life. But I am thankful that there are people who don't have to. Because I wouldn't wish it on anyone. In fact, I went back to that clinic, many years later, with a close friend who had an abortion. I felt like it was my obligation as a friend to be there for her when she needed me. She pretty much treated the entire thing like it was just a short inconvenience. I could tell she was nervous about the procedure, but after it was over, she acted like it never mattered at all. And I wondered why I even put myself through revisiting that place when it was so obvious that she really didn't need me at all. I tried to be kind, rub her back, hold her hand, but she seemed annoyed with the support, like I was making it out to be this huge thing when it wasn't. I guess we all feel differently, we all react differently, it's what makes us individuals, and individuality is beautiful. Even when we don't understand it. 130324 ... Lovers Lament Another year. It seems like when I was a kid, time dragged. Now that I am an adult, it's just FLYING. I rarely dream about your father since I stopped drinking. While I miss the dreams, I don't miss the alcohol. I've had a few tests since I quit and instead of wanting alcohol, I wanted to cut. Stupidly, I did the first time, but not this second time. I thought of all the people I have tried to help with cutting, and thought of what a hypocrite I was, and I muscled through it. So I think I am stronger now, I suppose. Wish I had been stronger back then when it would have mattered. I lost a close friend recently. Like you and your father, I have no grave to go to to mourn. I finally figured out a way to visit you that I think you'd like though. And she will be included. I hope you like it when you see it baby. I know you wouldn't be a baby anymore, you'd be a child still, but edging ever closer to a teenager. How I wish I could see you. I miss you both still so much. And love you. 130531 ... onemorebumpintheroad I feel so sick at heart reading how many times I mentioned Rocky with you... I'm sorry. I think in his way he may have loved both of us as much as he was able, but he was also an abuser and the main reason I had the abortion. I'm so sorry, this page was supposed to be the memorial for you, and it somehow became the memorial to you both. At the time, it seemed fitting because I was grieving. For over ten years, I couldn't admit it, but now I do, and I apologize most to you. You deserve to have this memorial of your own, not share it with the father who never wanted you in the first place. I'm sorry for the years I wrote nothing. Know that it was never because I forgot you, but sometimes I just came here, read everything, and broke. I always go back and read it all again. There is never a year I don't think of you. You're always in my thoughts. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what I wanted to. I still plan to do this in memory of you and my friend Rita, but it requires money, which as of late has been lacking in the extreme. It doesn't mean that it's not important to me because it is. I used to express myself in poetry, but it's hard for me to write that way now. I suppose some of that may have to do with the changes I've made in my life. I'm still clean and sober. It was three years this past November. It's rare I even want alcohol, but I struggle with the drugs sometimes. Seeing someone do them on TV, sometimes I have to change the channel because it's like an ache. But I've cut ties with everyone pretty much in my life but my husband (the good man - yes actually good, in fact, great - I've been with for 8 years), and my best friend I've known since first grade. They've both stood by my side through all my struggles. They've watched me fall down and picked me back up again, all without judgment. My husband doesn't drink, so that I won't be tempted. He never had a problem with it, but he understands I don't want it in the house. My best friend doesn't drink around me. She has no problem with it either, so it's easy for her to be sober when I'm around. These people are my lifeline. When I am so horribly sad, like I am today, they go out of their way to pick me up. So I have a support system. I'm never going back to the life that made me make the decision to have the abortion. I'm so sorry. I said in the beginning of this page, and I'll say it again, I will never stop loving you. I will never let go of you. I will never stop mourning you. That wasn't a lie from the lips of a fickle young woman. Yes, I was a fickle young woman, but nothing I said to you here has been a lie. The only things I have said here that may not have been true were about your father, and that was because I actually believed those things... and I still want to believe those things, that although he was abusive, he had SOME good in him. Enough to feel love and loss for you. I hope very much that was true. And if it wasn't, I hope my love over the years has been enough. And I hope if I make it to Heaven, I get to see you there and hold you and get to know you because it would be such a privilege and such a blessing. I love you my sweet child. Forever. 150608 ... Lovers Lament I’m still here Missing you. Even the years in between. I may not write here, but I am still thinking of you. 240608 ... . i still think i killed my only real chance at love that day at the clinic when they asked me if i had been coerced to show up there all_alone but then covid happened and my life fell apart in more ways than one when i refused the poison jab. glad i didn't have you to add to the list of my worries, concerns but_still think the universe sent you to me as a test that i failed 240608 what's it to you? who go blather from