b_t_e__epilogue__more_pointless_longings birdmad It's the middle of January, 1997. It's been 15 months since you lost your mom, things have mostl;y been on a downhill slide since the middle of summer. Derek, Aaron and Amber's brother Danny are all in Derek's room playing Mortal Kombat. It's nearly freezing outside and all three of your collective cats, Gabriel, Bongo and Anubis are asleep on the back of the couch in the direct path of the heater duct. You've just gotten your hands on some extra cash based on an assload of overtime you worked at your remaining job last week and decided to splurge by going to Zia to buy some tunes. In the store, Amber buys a bottle of deep, purplish-red hair dye and since you are currently sporting half blue and half purple, Amber asks you to do the honors of the dye-job. Jenna, to the relief of everyone but Aaron, is staying at her mother's house for a few days while her two jailbird brothers, one older and one younger are spending a short stint in the county lock-up. Popping one of the CDs from the Wax Trax "Black Box" set you bought into the CD player you wait by the coffee table for Amber to change into something she's not afraid to ruin with the hair dye. When she comes back with her hair down from the ponytail it was in and one of those sort-of-long sleepshirts, she sits down in the chair in front of you. You can't help but pause to take in the sight of her and be jealous of how or why an asshat like the kind Derek has continuously proved to be could be so lucky. Scooping up the gel dye in your gloved hand, you start massaging it into her hair trying to get it applied as evenly as possible. You feel that same rush of heat through your chest that you haven't Lifting her hair away from the her shoulders to work the dye in, you freeze for a moment, fighting the relentless desire to kiss her on the back of her neck.. She can sense something is up with you, but doesn't let on that she knows. You chuckle to yourself to try and break the tension that is tightening your every muscle. "what's so funny, Alex?" She asks. "Just wondering if you're not gonna get in trouble where you work for this." "Oh shit, I never thought of that, I just thought it was so cool that you did yours, i felt kind of inspired to do something crazy." "Hmm...well, it's already in and as liong as your hair is, some of it has started to set already," you tell her, flattered and blushing unnoticeably except for the palms of your hands which are just compararively pale enough to show the blood_rush. "Yep," She smiles, a smile that manages to seem both innocent and sly in the same breath "no going back now, if i get in trouble, i'll just have to cover it over." putting the other glove on, you massage the dye into her hair even more, mow with both hands. Seeming to find the attention quite enjoyable, Amber closes her eyes and leans her head back while you work on the crown of her hair. She makes the occasional soft, pleased moan as your fingertips work their way around her hair. You are suddenly glad that you have not untied your black hoodie from around your waist because it has just become obvious that she is not wearing a bra underneath the night-shirt. Her nipples, which seem quite large from the impression they are making against the fabric of her shirt are standing at full attention.. Fingers still working, you look away after a glance just brief enough not to be a stare. Between her involvement with Derek and the fact that you have come to consider her enough of a friend in her own right that you are afraid you might screw things up if you tipped your hand, you decided that it is perhaps in your and everyone else's best interests if you just keep quiet. When you are finished combing the dye through as the final step and give it time to set, Amber takes a shower and comes back out with a head of vvid burubndy hair with dark, rosy pink highlights, she changes back into her black and white long-sleeve t-shirt and jeans and calls the rest of the guys to check it out. Derek seems suitaqble impressed as he and Amber start kissing and evict Aaron and Danny from the room. The two of them move their now drunken game of Mortal Kombat to your Playstation in the living room.. Bidding the guys goodnight, you tell them that you need to take a drive and that they are welcome to keep playing. You head for The Atomic Cafe and find a pretty and indiscriminate stranger to help you take your mind off of things. (...) 041109 ... birdmad It is, after all, the height of frustration to hang around with someone you find yourself falling for while they are quite busy getting noisily horizontal with someone else in the next room, and besides, ever since Tina, this is how you've always coped with that feeling. Can't have who you want? Have whomever will let you. It's a nice temporary salve for that disposable, empty feeling, and for those otherwise frustrated longings but you've been beginning to notice that it has cultivated an empty feeling all of its own. On your way back home, as the sun is coming up, the late-night DJ on The Edge is playing The Sisters_of_Mercy "More" as if to just further embed the thought process in your head. "And i need all the love i can get and i need all the love that i can't get, too" As Eddie Murphy once said "Ha-Ha, Very Funny, Motherfucker!" Sensing that you are more interested in Amber than is healthy for him or you, on day a few weks later, Derek decides to introduce you to Serena, a girl who he used to know and who has the uncanny knack for finding him, showing up at your doorstep one evening while you were at work. Amber, having known her from high-school, dislikes her intensely, but in addition to finding her more than a litttle bit interesting, she seems to gravitate to you at first. Unfortunately, the same morning your grandmother dies, you awake just before the phonecall to the sound of Derek and erena fucking in the next room without evwen knowing how and when the hell she even showed up. After one last prolonged argument over rent, cooking and Anubis's repeated habit of shitting in one particular corner of the living room far from the nearest cat-box, you kick Aaron and Jenna out. Derek, who thought it was a bright idea to bring them into the house is apparently delighted as Jenna and Serena also cannot stand each other and inspite of their usually coy and cutesy patter and Aaron's insistences of how committed he is to Jenna, you can tell that he's a little too interested in her for Jenna's liking. While Jenna was never anything you would have considered genuinely physically attrative to you, the only thing that made her truly repellent was her insistently superior attitude and Aaron's toady-like willingness to agree woth her on every fucking thing under the sun. Well, hey, Alex...the guy was dumb enough to go to prison for a couple of years for robbing a Taco Bell in his own neighborhood, maybe he just got used to the notion of being somebody's bitch. The last straw was that the last time it was their turn to do the cooking, for all of the money they spent, they produced nothing worth eating, producing a repeated occurrence of smoked sausage with ranch styloe beans over white rice and canned beef stew over white rice. one medium-large pot of each, to be shared for the duration of a whole week between five people. and even though the grocery funds were communal, they blew the rest on stuff they stashed in their room for themselves. The following week, with wnat cash was left plus what you and Derek threw in on top, you produced, for a hundred and fifty dollars less than what they spent, a weeks worth of big meals for everyone. While Serena was briefly away, still defying your question of who gave her permission to stay and managing to sweet talk you out of kicking her out, you asked your other friends, Jason and Carolyn to bring their baby and pick up Amber along the way. Amber refused and you came to blows with Derek when you found out that not only was he cheating on Amber but had even been a spineless enough bitch to break up with her over the phone when she had called to offer her condolences over the passing of your grandmother. The week before you finally had the paycheck that would justify your being able to kick both Derek and Serena out, Derek decides that he is tired of Serena's machinations and lets her loose on you where she spends the last three days before you tell her to get the fuck out teasing you relentlessly with thinly veiled come-ons and brazenly intentional "peek-aboo" moments, and then behaving as though she wants nothing to do with you when you even intimate that you are willing to take the bait, which after having spent the last three weeks under the influnece of a steady stream of tequila, you were. Derek calls Amber back and for some strange reson, she forgives him, all the whikle still showing you his true colors with regards to how he feels about her when she's not around. After four days of it, you use your free day to take the initiative to pack his shit up for him while he is at work and tell him that his mom can pick him up and if he can convince Aaron and Jenna to bring their shitbucket car around they can pick up his gear. What you don't count on is that somewhere along the line, Derek gave Serena a copy of your house key and in addition to Derek'ss tuff being moved out ahead of the weekend, the house is now a complete mess and derek thinks you are hiding half of his stuff. "Nice tryy, asshole," you tell him over the phone, but based on the note that none of you bothered to read, it looks like Serena came in with that housekey you gave her, took half of your shit, took about five hundred dollars worth of the cache of rare books that old Tony the Warlock at SineWave gave me, which i kept in a box in my room and which only you and Jenna had even any vague knowledge of, so this one's on you, assmonkey." "Fuck you, Alex!" "Isn't that why i kicked you out, bitch?" After having to resort to your least favourite tricks to get your books back, Amber calls you and tells you that apparently one of Derek's co-workers who went to school with her brother got an earful of Derek and his usual locker-room diatribes about her and kicked his monkey ass to the curb while visiting his house and made sure that she told him off right in front of his mom, who may well ne the only member of Derek's family who doesn't operate with her head loddged firmly up her own ass, because god knows if you had a dad or brothers like derek's or derek himself, you'd either kill yourself or proclaim that you were adopted. You make plans to hang out with Amber after she mentions that she would be amenable to such things, but in one of the great tunrs of the karmic wheel, you end up losing your license when the recently released Ngo brothers manage to get you snared by the glendale cops after chasing you from the I-17 and McDowell all the way up grand avenue to 67th Avenue, a gunshot zinging through your open windows and pinging off the concrete embankment into a nearby billboard letting you know that they were out. You spent twenty minutes handcuffed behind your car trying to convince the cop that of the seven other people with felony warrants and the same name as you showing up on the NCIC database, none of them is, in fact, you. Upon realizing this, and hearing your story of two crazy guys chasing you, the cop slaps you wioth a very large speeding ticket anyway, where the ticket becomes expensive is when you learn that the checks you wrote to cover your insurance and your registration have both bounced and you are now into the system for about 1200 dollars in one shot thanks to all of that. Brilliant. Niec fucking going, Alex. 041112 ... birdmad after a great deal of mental illness and messing about, You get one set of tickets paid off, forestalling the suspension of your license, but from here, you get tagged roughly every three weeks from april through to the first week of August and accumulate another three grand and change worth of fines in a brilliantly kafkaesque downward spiral. You try to lay out the case for the judge, who will hear none of it, deciding not just to be implacable but to be a dick about it as well. "Your honor, I'm not typially one to make excuses and up until these lasst few months i have been, throughout what there has been of my adult life, pretty good about keeping current on my expenses. I'm in kind of a bad spot right now and it doesn't help that i keep getting ticketed when i am eiterh on my way to or from work or on my way to an interview for a job that might actually pay me enough to dig myself out of this hole. I'd really appreciate it if you coud see clear to show a little leniency here because otherwise, i am being repeatedly taspped for more money that i already don't have" "Lenience?" the judge laughs, sarcastically. "Mister, you're driving around with no registration and no insurance, if you were to hit and injure y twelve year old son, how would my family be compensated for that?" "I don't drive through many residential streets, sir and other thn the job interviews, i predominantly work graveyard shift." "Couldn't you just take a cab or a bus?" he asks, his tone becoming increasingly curt and rude." "I tried that sir, but as most of the electronics and tech industry jobs in this town are either on the extreme north side of town or out in the extreme southeast valley, the cab ride to or from any of those places is, at the cheapest, thirty dollars one way, and if i could afford that kind of cab fareon a nightly basis, i could afford the payment plan that the city imposed for the rash of tickets i've piled up here." "And the bus?" "Most of the jobs i've been working or been offered have been evening and graveyard positions, and few of the bus lines in this town run much past 10 PM, and if i don't get off shift at one or two AM then i am stuck on the opposite side fo town for at least four hours, leaving me to run the risk of falling asleep at a bus stop and being further ticketed for vagrancy in that event..." "My decision stands, for this latest offense, you will be fined $400 dollars for the expired registration, $800 dollars for the lack of insurance and $175 dollars for failure to show proof of insurance. and your licesne is hereby suspended" "Well then, your honor, before i go...if i might add, since you brought it up, knowing the hours i keep and the routes that i travel to get to and from work, if your 12 year old son ever found himself in the path of my car, the first question anyone should raise shouldn't be about my responsibilty as a driver but about your responsibility as a parent." YOu end up getting one more ticket which gets you remanded to the Criminal court section for the charge of driving on a suspended license, where the judge is a good deal cooler and drops the felony after hearing your re-iteration of what you told the dick upstairs in civil court. "Well, upon reading the ticket and hearing your side of thje story, i'm going to dispense with the criminal charge here, as is my prerogative, i will also drop the fine for registration and failure to show proof, however, i cannot drop the charge for your lack of insurance coverage and i'm sure you can appreciate the favor i've done you." "You've got that right, ma'am" You manage to get your hands on a temporary license and a 30 day transitional registrtion/license slip to put in your window since the cop who busted you last time took your license plate You try to talk to amber, but for the duration of summer she isn't really returning your phonecalls. You take one last trip to the Atomic Cafe because even in spite of the encroaching loserdom that is creeping up on you, you feel the need to get loose for a night and get freaky. By sheer change you run into a girl you haven't seen since one of the last times you came with Teri back before your mom died. Her hair, just a deep enough shade of red not to be natural, is cut into a short bob with neatly cut bangs. She's wearing a blood red PVC lace-up bustier with black boning and accents and silver hooks and eyes for the laces "Hey," she says, spotting you, "you aren't playing fag-hag today are you?" "No...flying solo." you answer, kniowing what she means, not necessarily liking the tone of the wy she said it. "I was interested in yuor, uhh...not-quite girlfriend last time you two were here, but she shot me down. I guess she doesn't like bi chicks." "Yeah, that's about the size of it, but she's gone back east... took some huge job offer." "hmm, fuck all that, let's dance." You don't need to be asked twice, spending the remainder of the night on the dance floor or at the bar with her. She can sense you hesitating a bit, but after a few drinks, you are persuaded to follow her to her apartment down in Tempe. Apparently she has taken notice of the little patterns you have carved into your skin with your old pocketknife, the one with the long, thin blade and the mother-of-pearl handle. "Do you know what edge-play is?" she asks you as you walk in the door. "Heard of it, never really thought about letting anyone else do it to me though." "Fair enough...ever been into any kind of S&M play?" "Yeah." "Would you say you were more of a top or a bottom." "bottom mostly, i have to behave like top ot of the time in real life to get anywhere in the world, it's nice to switch gears when i play." "Hmm, good answer," she chuckles. She makes you an offer you are too intrigued to refuse. Her tall, delicate frame stands in contrast both to the shorter and occasionally women you are generally attracted to, but you haven't ventured down this road in quite some time. you are fascinated by the amount of control she displays with the salpel she is using to make the various incisions she is cutting into you. They are shallow, but it is warm and you are better hydrated even in spite of the alcohol you've runk than yuo might normally be. occasioally, she stops and licks a drop as it wells up This goes on for nearly a half hour before both she and you are both too aroused to practicve something so low-key Since you are already naked, she points you to the bathroom and tells you to take a shower, after the warm water has excited a few of the deeper incisions on your back to bleed fresh, she stops watching through the glass shower door and commands you step out for a moment and unlace her. as soon as you have undressed her, she joins you in the shower, clawing slightly at some of the cuts in your back. Being a good bottom, as commanded, you don't even wince. Besides, it barealy feels like a paper cut. while you are clearly aroused by al o fthis, there is one ting that is starting to bother you in that her expression seems to convey that this is all run-of-the-mill to her, even if she says that some of her intended playthings are afraid to let her hve at them with the blade. After the shower, chantal decides, with your agreement, that a taste of the lash might make a nice brief last appetizer before moving on to her bedroom. sitting backward in the folding chair, you notice that the metal feels cold against your skin, compared to the vaguely hot sensation of the cat_o_nine_tails doing its thing aginst your exposed back in her hands. In her best dominatrix act, Chantal picks up your chin and looks you in the eyes, letting her robe fall open. "You maky fuck me now." Not one to turn down that sort of offer, you heartily and enthusiastically comply. it is sunrise by the time the two of you have had your colective fill "That was nice," she says, "might even be worth repeating, if you're lucky" Right then, as you walk out of her door and down toward your car, you deided that this sort of thing isn't what you want anymore. Now instead of wishing you had her back in your arms, you are suddenly filled with a need to shake away what you were with her and everyone else. You feel hollow inside, again. In your head you come to the conclusion that you no longer want sex just for it's own sake beause you've already been there and done that, you have always been a closet romantic, as the rush of feelings that overtook you areound Tina at the fair all those momnths ago evinced. You get this crazy notion that you no longer want sex if it isn't about love? Umm...Hey, ALex, not to piss on your parade or anything, but what's your lifetime batting average in THAT category so far? When you get home, Amber has left a message on your machine saying that she wil be in Monterrey visiting relatives for the nest month or so, but that she would definitely be interested in spending some time with you once she's back. Don't fuck up, Alex, she actually seems to like you and your interest in her actually is only peripherally about sex. If love is what you think you are after, she might not be a bad choice, but then again, if you're thinking this now, you've been thinking about her for awhile, haven't you? 041126 what's it to you? who go blather from