jon
unhinged some would say it's obsessive, compulsive, unhealthy..but it still hurts...and even after all the truth you think that it was youngstown that made me suicidal...how ironicly painful...it would mean so much to me if you could realize the way i cared...i think that is beyond you...you don't come to ivet shows anymore.."i don't like them anymore...they are too negative"? since when have you been the sunshine in anyone's universe? we both have festered...it's no surprise. and some sadistic part of me misses you. there could have been some genuiety somewhere in all that angst we both had but i still have this need to make you understand. please please please just understand. i can only talk to you anymore when i'm drunk and i'm sure you wouldn't appreciate that being the straightedger that you are. it makes it easier to say all the things that have been bottled up for seven months. loosens the tongue and the heart. shows just aren't the same without you...i just hate it when i fuck things up. 001211
...
unhinged he says being suicidal is part of my charm....he didn't even know me when i was suicidal. i don't know how he could say that. the ivet board brings us back together we drift apart. someone please get me out of the goddamn town of sharon pa...my life got inherently more complicated because of good old sharon pa. just fuck you .....just fuck all of you. 001211
...
unhinged jon: youre gonna bone the blind one
me: i am not
me: i'm not boning anyone
me: now you sound like frank
jon: ooo
jon: thats not cool
jon: i called you a cysco dyke
jon: always wanted to do that
me: ooooohhhh
me: i'm so hurt now
me: i might go kill myself
me: ooooohhhh
me: :-P
jon: not funny!
jon: not funny!
jon: ;-)
me: ok....
jon: truth
me: alright...
jon: lets just face fact
me: um....ok
jon: we will, no doubt, one day procreate
jon: i have resigned to that fact
jon: :-)
me: lol
me: if you want to believe that go right ahead
jon: ha!
jon: oh, i see, youre over me huh?
jon: ;-)

me: i'm not answering that question

jon: must you be so rude?
me: what?
me: me
jon: no, the other double ass freak
jon: im not trying to be mean on here you realize
me: lol
jon: rando and i are practicing good cop bad cop
me: you aren't?
me: pppffff
jon: WHY do you fight with me?
jon: always
me: it's what we do best baby
me: don't take it the wrong way
me: it's a sign of endearment
jon: like, i honestly try to be nice to you sometimes
jon: and you just clobber me
me: sorryu
me: it's a gut reaction
jon: sometimes i actually try to be nice, and people REFUSE to let me
jon: so i just go back to not being nice
me: it just seems weird
me: to be honest
jon: what?
me: when you are nice because it doesn't seem to fit you because you usually aren't
me: at least to that degree
me: i wasn't friends with you because you were "nice"
jon: why were you then?
me: because i had some kind of connection with you and it was cool to hang out with you
me: it still is mostly
jon: well, i just want you to realize that, admist our fights, sometimes, a sincere person attempts to step from my shell for a little while. it doesnt have much of a halflife and gets shot down pretty quickly. id probably be a nicer guy overall by now if a continued indifference wasnt being cultivated in me by everyone around me
me: dude i don't want to be indifferent around you
me: but it seems like something always goes wrong when i'm not
me: or at least pretend to be
jon: im just saying that for a person to be allowed to grow into a better form he must not be shut into his current one through expectations and reservations
me: have i ever been reserved with you?
me: and honestly i don't know what ot expect from you
jon: you reserve that i cannot, in any means, function as a "nice person"
me: no
me: i don't
me: i know that you can
me: i've seen it
me: i remember
jon: i am simply surrounded by a community of friends who bare no amibtion to change, personally, in any way, and reguard me with the inability to do so myself
me: dude i know you have changed
me: it has been obvious to me for months
jon: (let me remind you, howevever, as i state all of this im not trying to seduce you in any way, i just felt the sudden need to explain my condition)
me: i don't think that you are
me: honesty is not particularly seductive to me
jon: ok, good
me: i just want us to be able to talk to each other again jon
jon: because i have reached a conclusion that i am at my best when completely removed from any assemblance of a relationship
me: which is not healthy
jon: it is quite healthy
jon: believe me
me: no; it just means you are hiding and scared
me: that's all
jon: i understand my chemical makeup
jon: im not hiding at all
me: what do chemicals have to do with it?
jon: chemicals are at the core of every emotion
me: bullshit
me: don't go stravinsky on me
jon: this is the honest progression of the relationship for me
jon: :
jon: elation at the beginning
jon: which declines
jon: and resolves into disgust
jon: EVERY time
jon: once or twice in the past it wasnt but that was before
me: before what?
jon: eh, before i began enterign the cylce
me: well something made you enter it
jon: puberty
jon: :-)
me: haha
me: :-P
me: i doubt that was it but ok
jon: i got lots of new "god machine" songs
me: cool
me: you are good at that you know
jon: his new band is even more "i want to kill my selfish" then the old
jon: at what?
me: changing the subject when you are done discussing something
jon: i did no such thing
jon: :-)
me: yeah.....
jon: "i think i lost another friend today. he says hes gotta go, but hed like to stay. is it because we dont see life the same way? well maybe i should lie and say everythings ok"

jon: i realized today that it all didnt really matter though. because i dont care enough about any of my friends to care what they think of me
me: well then
001213
...
unhinged i think about it everyday now...i'm sure most of you read this and sigh...oh not another fucked up relationship told one-sided on the imaginary drama of the blather pages....but this place is so beautifully simple...i say things and maybe someone reads and responds...i'm putting it out here for you all...i want to help him now. i want him to see that i do care...that i care so much that it hurts to hear someone admit that they would rather spend the rest of their life without someone because it is better that way...it isn't...it isn't better that way jon...i love you now...or at least i just realized that i do...and a couple of months ago makes me feel even worse now....but i couldn't tell what you where thinking, where you were coming from...i was just wrapped up in my own scars, my own pain...and it was fucking selfish i know...please come back...please...i want to change you but i know that there is no good in that...we would only end up hurting each other again if i expected anything like that...but i will try hard very hard not to be cruel anymore...you helped me grow up somehow...see just how different two people could be from each other and yet still have some kind of bond...i wish that if i held you that i could make all of that go away...i will listen when you have something to say....don't hide from me anymore...there's no reason for that anymore....please please please understand 001214
...
Remiel most of what I write is odd.

Rather, most of what I write isn't writing. It's me trying to figure out as my fingers push bits of plastic to activate relay switches what exactly it is I'm trying to say. Sometimes, the results are spectacular. Sometimes less so. No matter.
001214
...
unhinged most of what i write is a stream of related thought that no one here really cares about but it makes me better to get it off my chest in a concrete form other than talking...that's all blathering is about to me really...concrete forms of abstract reality..things i say to myself everyday "god, i think i love jon olsavsky" so that i can put it out and maybe someone else is reading my secrets. that's all. 001214
...
Remiel I realised today (well, I didn't realise today, but I thought about it consciously today) that I've never dumped anyone. I've been in relationships that have ended, but I've never ended them.

I don't know why.
001214
...
unhinged i've never dumped anyone either. the way it ends is the guy just stops talking to me. no "well i don't think we are working out" speech. just nothing at all.

but he never meant to hurt me you know. he didn't want to ever cause me all that pain. well ya know what...he did.
001215
...
god my name is jon. 001215
...
goddessness hey there, jon. 001216
...
unhinged apathy

do what you want
i really don't give a flying fuck
001219
...
alkalinepixie why do boys named jon always make the world go wrong. even if just fer a few minutes. 010104
...
unhinged i have no idea...maybe it's because they are lacking the consequential "h" 010115
...
shiva my name is jon too. 010115
...
Aimee my best friend, he always knows how to make me feel better, even if I can't do the same for him. 010310
...
johnny west I'm John with an "h", if that changes anything. And it doesn't.
My father's name is John. His father's name is John. My step father's name is John. I think my family is full of too many John's. I know too many people named John. If I ever have a son, I'll name him Notjohn. *chuckle*
010310
...
Jamie hey. i was just wondering who you were i think this is a pretty cool thing you have going on here... 010314
...
tourist The powers that control my internet access at work have just pulled my plug.
It looks like I won't be here as often as I like now.
It's been fun and enlightening.
Best wishes to all of you.
Goodbye for now.
010314
...
br_Oken I love you 010507
...
recovering addict we talk to each other now. just the other night we had a real conversation. it took almost a year. but he was wrong. he said at the beginning of it all that by next easter we wouldn't even know each other. i think that in some ways we know each other better than anyone else in the world knows either of us. 010517
...
jon my ass is on fire 010517
...
Lost Amanda - never knew
Mandi - got weird
Clarissa - never knew
Jennifer - never knew
Alissa - never knew
Nicole - never knew
Elyse - never knew
Angela - never knew
Jenna - ran away
Carly - became friends
Sylvia - hated me
Kristi - hid behind her boyfriend
Racquel - became a slut
Jannan - severed ties
Mariana - never knew
Sarah - pretended never to know
Amy - never saw her again
Meghan - thinks she's too good for me
Alicia - got weird
Jenni - never knew
Kristina - might've known
Donae - was flattered to find out I'd liked her months later
Alison - might know, isn't discouraging it yet

Ah... 13 years of Jon's lovelife, kindergarden through senior year, condensed into bite-sized chunks of rejection.
010524
...
kinkazoid i have an ex named jon and he used to like stalk me and tell all of my or his friends that he was in love with me and that it was so mean of me to break up with him and i ruined his life and shit. i tried to be nice to him and be his friend and stuff, but he had to get annoying so i told him to leave me alone and left it badly it was the only thing left to do. poor jon 010608
...
nocturnal must be something in the name. that EXACT same thing happened to my best friend. she went out with this guy named jon who was always telling her how cold-hearted she was and how in love with her he was. he told all his friends the same thing and it was really shitty of him. when they broke up, she also wanted to remain friends but he went psycho and ruined it all. 010609
...
johnny west Good thing I've got an h. 010609
...
nocturnal that remains to be seen. you could very well go psycho (in the bad sense) and then I would be obligated to hate you. who knows what the future holds? 010609
...
unhinged "youre fine just the way you are"

weird

where have you been god?

i kinda needed/wanted to talk to you today
010620
...
god aka einstein aka pat sajak aka jon been fallin' asleep around midnite/ one for the past coupla nights. my body can't take constant abuse like it used to. i'll be 'round tonite fer sure. 010620
...
unhinged i wish either one of you was here tonight. i need to talk. my mind is going to explode. but you're both gone. oh_well. indeed 010804
...
unhinged the fact that i even made this page makes me sick now 010829
...
little ol me why do I want him? why do I keep going back? I've thought about it...I always think about how I'm only hurting myself, and I make myself believe that the next time I see him, I won't fall, I can't let myself go back. And I really think I can do it. So the time comes when I'm going to see him, and I'm still good. He walks in, and I think, "ok, there he is, you can do it" and I'm ok...right up until he looks at me with those eyes, or even just seeing him smile. and then i fall. i still try to stay away, but then there's the flirtatious taps and punches...and its like, everything that's true about him; the kind of person he is, what he has done to me, everything that's happened...it all goes away as long as he is holding my hand. and when i have my arms around him, or his around me, i feel right. i feel secure. i feel wanted. but even so, I'm thinking about how crazy I am to do this to myself. because I don't think he wants me. But I guess I just feel that no one does, and he is all I have at the moment. That's just how I feel...it's probably not the truth. I hope it's not. so for those of you who keep asking me why I do this to myself, why I keep going back...That's why. 011007
...
unhinged "what happened to you? you used to be such a nice girl."

"how am i not a nice girl anymore?"

"well you have to admit that was kind of slutty."
011007
...
little ol me too bad its the same jon..... 011007
...
unhinged huh 011007
...
god criticism is generally born of ignorance and arrogance.

when i think "slutty", i think "robust"
011030
...
Annie111 i haven't seen you in a while. I'm glad. it freaked me out, whatever it was. 011127
...
ClairE Ha, Annie! Jon is awesome; you guys shouldn't have freaked out. Alex likes to gossip as much as Basha, sometimes.

Although I doubt you guys were wrong.

He wants someone to hold in his arms while they fall asleep.

And I'm not fucking him because...?
011127
...
Effingham Fish I think he thinks I'm gay. Who am I to question the presumed presumptions of a near total stranger?

Then again, maybe it's just me.
011130
...
whoknows also known as peroxide pete 011201
...
unhinged i'm supposed to go help him with his newly purchased viola this week. or next i suppose since it's only saturday. technicalities, but i just find it funny that in the past month and a half no one has wanted to do anything with me, and even though he only needs a service provided by someone less ignorant than himself, the first one in so long is him. "you get too attached you know"

ps. hey kiddies, ever hear of a TELEPHONE?
011201
...
unhinged what did i do? i'd really like to know because i'm done with 'getting back at you' or whatever you are implying by saying you 'deserve some reimbursement'

can't we just forget the past already?
011202
...
ClairE Sorry that I blathered what I thought when I heard the name Jon... 011202
...
Annie111 Hey, everyone who writes here, ever heard of a JOURNAL???

Get bent.
011202
...
god jon is crazy 011202
...
ClairE Who isn't?

Isn't your name Jon?
011202
...
unhinged i guess the thing that has been argued over and over again here is what blather really is. journal, messageboard, substitute for long distance calls....whatever. that's probably why it's called blather. say what you want and i'll say what i want and we'll get into spats along the way and sooner or later everyone will be happy.

something page related: fuck it. if i can't know what i did then i guess there is no point. fucker.
011202
...
unhinged i had an online journal (stupid i know) and the topic of this page found it and threw its contents in my face...hence my year long...wait a second, i've been blatheing for a year friday...addiction 011202
...
ClairE Jons are sometimes Jonny.

That's dead_sexy. I think.
011203
...
Annie111 as long as it's cool. you'll use it as a journal and we'll use it as a telephone. 011203
...
ClairE Dude, I can use this as a fucking journal if I want to!

Oh. Wait_a_minute.
011205
...
unhinged denoument:

i won't be coming back to this page anymore....i just wanted to say one last thing because he might read it. or she might read it and say something to him about it. i know why you're mad at me and i'm not even going to defend what i did because i know you won't get it. i never wanted to ruin your life; i just wanted to understand you. i guess the problem is that until recently i didn't understand myself. and i guess compared to me you are a freaking optimist. i was in your town the other day and i thought what a shame it was that i couldn't finish what i started with that viola. what a shame it was that after all this battle, the ending was rather anticlimatic. just apologizing for the last time for being a child.
011208
...
jon ... 011209
...
whoknows may or may not have gotten his most recent ex pregnant. which i think is a bit funny. i dont know anyone who would actually want to fuck him. and im sure she cheated on him. all of his girlfriends have, including me. hes such an asshole. 011209
...
whoknows thats also kinda sad though... 011209
...
jon I came to "blather" just recently. I had no idea there was a page called "jon" until now. My name is Jon. I am not a Jonathan, like many Jons are. For reasons unclear, I was simply named Jon.

I feel as though I should use a different name while blathering from now on. With so many Jons roaming these halls, someone might mistake me for one of the others. It seems there is a bit of animosity toward Jons around here. I'm not sure I want to get caught up in the undertow.

I don't think I could ever treat a woman like some of the Jons mentioned above. They are giving us a bad name.

I hope I can help our cause, if there is one, by proving that not all Jons are assholes or psychos.

Anyway, should I use another moniker from now on?
011209
...
jon ??? 011209
...
ClairE Sure, what the fyke. That's why I'm ClairE, instead of Claire. Welcome to the club.

Yeah, blather_jons are assholes, and blather_seths are good boyfriends. Go figure.
011210
...
god jon, you should use whatever name you want. 011210
...
the final cut fuck all that, we've got to get on with this 011210
...
oren Okay then, it's settled. I'll be known as "oren" from now on. No need getting labeled a jon from hell. 011210
...
ClairE Don't leave. 011216
...
ClairE I think I shouldn't listen to this song. I think about how I'd listen to it if I got stoned, and if you did I would have a totally outlook on it, and how you doubt yourself like we all do, and how I have too much confidence to better myself, and not enough to lead the way. To take you by the hand and pull you up. 011221
...
ClairE Sometimes there isn't any right thing to say.

For someone who thinks almost exclusively in words, this is very hard to comprehend.
020102
...
kerry jon
john
long-john
020102
...
Mahayana: Zakah: when kerry
-or-
*K*erry
says long john
i cant help
but 2 wonder
does she have
a chocolate
ecalire
-or-
e*C*laire
hidden somewhere
& if she does

[why isnt she sharring]?
020102
...
ClairE Sarah: damn
S: hes confusing

ClairE: i know

S: and i dont even talk to him
020107
...
ellen cherry charles are you in New York right now?

I wonder if I'll ever hear from you again...

I hope you found a boy that makes you giddy
and a life that leaves you content
(your shirt, still intact, remains in my drawer)
and the band plays on...
020131
...
kill rhythm ive actually found a jon that isnt that bad of a guy. yes, a j-o-n. actually he is a really great guy. i love him :) 020320
...
kill rhythm please dont do what i am afraid that you are doing.
it would really kill me.
020413
...
girl_jane my uncle that died a week ago- 020414
...
kill rhythm his little sister. great. i will love him forever 020415
...
kill rhythm i am completely baffled by him. 020429
...
unhinged you wouldn't be the first one. 020429
...
Lotusmagic my older brother's name is Jon. It is actually his nickname, well it's actually jon-jon, but we call him jon. 020429
...
Sailor Jupiter You know who you are.
A steady ship in the wild turrents of the world,
you are only rocked by concerns for others.
You say I facinate you;
and want to observe with your magnifying glass my brain, which
will give you the magical insight,
on how to sneak you way into my soul and make it seem natural.
Please don't hate me b/c I am unfair,
b/c I guard my core of nothingness
with mines and barbed wire.
You are more than good enough,
but 2 Jon's have stomped on my heart
and I'm not looking for another.
Even if 3rd time's the charm, I won't have another shattered self.
020430
...
kill rhythm well nicole, im glad there is someone who knows exactly where i am coming from on this one... 020430
...
unhinged dear, i do

totally
020430
...
-Ivory- ...you're fucking beautiful...
...too bad your brother thinks we're in love...
021110
...
jon i am jon 021203
...
cotton schwubb The Jon that I know is indefinitely the Jon that a few of you also know. But then again... you will never know HIM... just what you want him to be in your mind. And isn't that sad for your sake? How can you tell me that I am miserable, that we are, when I am the only person beside himself that has ever known him? We will always be beside each other. WE are in love. 030608
...
unhinged he called on friday night looking for me

'where the hell are you? why aren't you here right now? take the bus or boss or something...oh nevermind don't do that. call some people up. get some people down here. come down here dude'

and i was standing in my bathroom in my underwear getting stoned talking to her on the phone when the call waiting beeped. and it was hard to understand him; he kept cutting out.

i'm trying not to get over-excited. i'm trying to deflate myself, my reaction to him. or my over-reaction. but he makes me all mushy. i need to feel mushy sometimes. i want to tell him, but time has taught me better than that. i want to buy him cookies and give him bone-cracking hugs. i want to sleep next to him on his couch. hold him, holding me, holding him. and i get those anxious twittery butterflys in my stomach when i walk up to his house. and i say and do things that i don't mean to throw him off the track that i might possibly like him.

i'm trying to not get over-excited. i'm deflating myself. but he makes me all mushy inside.

(the irony that he too is missing the consequential h is not lost on me)
041004
...
god i don't know but two people who call me that hardly. 041010
...
unhinged by the way, it's terminal;
i had a dream of him last night. even though my hope is mostly deflated when he's not around, when he smiles at me it still makes me pitter patter. me and every other girl known to man. when i have dreams where a boy draws me to him in a crowded room, it is most definitely terminal.
041023
...
unhinged if i could erase my intial posts on this topic or at least a word or two to cover the googleable tracks of blather i would, but alas i cannot. i have only a couple things to say to the future girlfriends of the original jon in my life (i dare not use his last name again on this page since that's what's caused all the mess in the first place):

1) notice the date of the initial posting on the topic. they were written in december 2000. over FOUR YEARS AGO. i'm sure he's changed since then since even the most static people i know can change even a small degree in the course of FOUR YEARS.

2) while i refuse to apologize for anything i may write, it would be bad etiquette of me to post private conversations and last names. so if you have a problem with this said jon, no need to drag me into it. grow up.

3) anything i wrote was a reaction to a very specific feeling that i had at a very specific moment in time; refering back to 1) these things have changed. i haven't even spoken to him in at least five months. and i probably won't for another five months because of this.

if i could erase it, i would. but i can't. such is the folly of blather. or blabber as some people that i have written about here so fondly refer to it when they find things i have written concerning them. which has caused me much anxiety for being such a dumbass. all this shit seems like a life ago, a different person. *sigh*
050129
...
jane you all know it should be john 050129
...
badjonni i'm not really bad 060123
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from