jon unhinged some would say it's obsessive, compulsive, unhealthy..but it still hurts...and even after all the truth you think that it was youngstown that made me suicidal...how ironicly painful...it would mean so much to me if you could realize the way i cared...i think that is beyond you...you don't come to ivet shows anymore.."i don't like them anymore...they are too negative"? since when have you been the sunshine in anyone's universe? we both have festered...it's no surprise. and some sadistic part of me misses you. there could have been some genuiety somewhere in all that angst we both had but i still have this need to make you understand. please please please just understand. i can only talk to you anymore when i'm drunk and i'm sure you wouldn't appreciate that being the straightedger that you are. it makes it easier to say all the things that have been bottled up for seven months. loosens the tongue and the heart. shows just aren't the same without you...i just hate it when i fuck things up. 001211 ... unhinged he says being suicidal is part of my charm....he didn't even know me when i was suicidal. i don't know how he could say that. the ivet board brings us back together we drift apart. someone please get me out of the goddamn town of sharon pa...my life got inherently more complicated because of good old sharon pa. just fuck you .....just fuck all of you. 001211 ... unhinged jon: youre gonna bone the blind one me: i am not me: i'm not boning anyone me: now you sound like frank jon: ooo jon: thats not cool jon: i called you a cysco dyke jon: always wanted to do that me: ooooohhhh me: i'm so hurt now me: i might go kill myself me: ooooohhhh me: :-P jon: not funny! jon: not funny! jon: ;-) me: ok.... jon: truth me: alright... jon: lets just face fact me: um....ok jon: we will, no doubt, one day procreate jon: i have resigned to that fact jon: :-) me: lol me: if you want to believe that go right ahead jon: ha! jon: oh, i see, youre over me huh? jon: ;-) me: i'm not answering that question jon: must you be so rude? me: what? me: me jon: no, the other double ass freak jon: im not trying to be mean on here you realize me: lol jon: rando and i are practicing good cop bad cop me: you aren't? me: pppffff jon: WHY do you fight with me? jon: always me: it's what we do best baby me: don't take it the wrong way me: it's a sign of endearment jon: like, i honestly try to be nice to you sometimes jon: and you just clobber me me: sorryu me: it's a gut reaction jon: sometimes i actually try to be nice, and people REFUSE to let me jon: so i just go back to not being nice me: it just seems weird me: to be honest jon: what? me: when you are nice because it doesn't seem to fit you because you usually aren't me: at least to that degree me: i wasn't friends with you because you were "nice" jon: why were you then? me: because i had some kind of connection with you and it was cool to hang out with you me: it still is mostly jon: well, i just want you to realize that, admist our fights, sometimes, a sincere person attempts to step from my shell for a little while. it doesnt have much of a halflife and gets shot down pretty quickly. id probably be a nicer guy overall by now if a continued indifference wasnt being cultivated in me by everyone around me me: dude i don't want to be indifferent around you me: but it seems like something always goes wrong when i'm not me: or at least pretend to be jon: im just saying that for a person to be allowed to grow into a better form he must not be shut into his current one through expectations and reservations me: have i ever been reserved with you? me: and honestly i don't know what ot expect from you jon: you reserve that i cannot, in any means, function as a "nice person" me: no me: i don't me: i know that you can me: i've seen it me: i remember jon: i am simply surrounded by a community of friends who bare no amibtion to change, personally, in any way, and reguard me with the inability to do so myself me: dude i know you have changed me: it has been obvious to me for months jon: (let me remind you, howevever, as i state all of this im not trying to seduce you in any way, i just felt the sudden need to explain my condition) me: i don't think that you are me: honesty is not particularly seductive to me jon: ok, good me: i just want us to be able to talk to each other again jon jon: because i have reached a conclusion that i am at my best when completely removed from any assemblance of a relationship me: which is not healthy jon: it is quite healthy jon: believe me me: no; it just means you are hiding and scared me: that's all jon: i understand my chemical makeup jon: im not hiding at all me: what do chemicals have to do with it? jon: chemicals are at the core of every emotion me: bullshit me: don't go stravinsky on me jon: this is the honest progression of the relationship for me jon: : jon: elation at the beginning jon: which declines jon: and resolves into disgust jon: EVERY time jon: once or twice in the past it wasnt but that was before me: before what? jon: eh, before i began enterign the cylce me: well something made you enter it jon: puberty jon: :-) me: haha me: :-P me: i doubt that was it but ok jon: i got lots of new "god machine" songs me: cool me: you are good at that you know jon: his new band is even more "i want to kill my selfish" then the old jon: at what? me: changing the subject when you are done discussing something jon: i did no such thing jon: :-) me: yeah..... jon: "i think i lost another friend today. he says hes gotta go, but hed like to stay. is it because we dont see life the same way? well maybe i should lie and say everythings ok" jon: i realized today that it all didnt really matter though. because i dont care enough about any of my friends to care what they think of me me: well then 001213 ... unhinged i think about it everyday now...i'm sure most of you read this and sigh...oh not another fucked up relationship told one-sided on the imaginary drama of the blather pages....but this place is so beautifully simple...i say things and maybe someone reads and responds...i'm putting it out here for you all...i want to help him now. i want him to see that i do care...that i care so much that it hurts to hear someone admit that they would rather spend the rest of their life without someone because it is better that way...it isn't...it isn't better that way jon...i love you now...or at least i just realized that i do...and a couple of months ago makes me feel even worse now....but i couldn't tell what you where thinking, where you were coming from...i was just wrapped up in my own scars, my own pain...and it was fucking selfish i know...please come back...please...i want to change you but i know that there is no good in that...we would only end up hurting each other again if i expected anything like that...but i will try hard very hard not to be cruel anymore...you helped me grow up somehow...see just how different two people could be from each other and yet still have some kind of bond...i wish that if i held you that i could make all of that go away...i will listen when you have something to say....don't hide from me anymore...there's no reason for that anymore....please please please understand 001214 ... Remiel most of what I write is odd. Rather, most of what I write isn't writing. It's me trying to figure out as my fingers push bits of plastic to activate relay switches what exactly it is I'm trying to say. Sometimes, the results are spectacular. Sometimes less so. No matter. 001214 ... unhinged most of what i write is a stream of related thought that no one here really cares about but it makes me better to get it off my chest in a concrete form other than talking...that's all blathering is about to me really...concrete forms of abstract reality..things i say to myself everyday "god, i think i love jon olsavsky" so that i can put it out and maybe someone else is reading my secrets. that's all. 001214 ... Remiel I realised today (well, I didn't realise today, but I thought about it consciously today) that I've never dumped anyone. I've been in relationships that have ended, but I've never ended them. I don't know why. 001214 ... unhinged i've never dumped anyone either. the way it ends is the guy just stops talking to me. no "well i don't think we are working out" speech. just nothing at all. but he never meant to hurt me you know. he didn't want to ever cause me all that pain. well ya know what...he did. 001215 ... god my name is jon. 001215 ... goddessness hey there, jon. 001216 ... unhinged apathy do what you want i really don't give a flying fuck 001219 ... alkalinepixie why do boys named jon always make the world go wrong. even if just fer a few minutes. 010104 ... unhinged i have no idea...maybe it's because they are lacking the consequential "h" 010115 ... shiva my name is jon too. 010115 ... Aimee my best friend, he always knows how to make me feel better, even if I can't do the same for him. 010310 ... johnny west I'm John with an "h", if that changes anything. And it doesn't. My father's name is John. His father's name is John. My step father's name is John. I think my family is full of too many John's. I know too many people named John. If I ever have a son, I'll name him Notjohn. *chuckle* 010310 ... Jamie hey. i was just wondering who you were i think this is a pretty cool thing you have going on here... 010314 ... tourist The powers that control my internet access at work have just pulled my plug. It looks like I won't be here as often as I like now. It's been fun and enlightening. Best wishes to all of you. Goodbye for now. 010314 ... br_Oken I love you 010507 ... recovering addict we talk to each other now. just the other night we had a real conversation. it took almost a year. but he was wrong. he said at the beginning of it all that by next easter we wouldn't even know each other. i think that in some ways we know each other better than anyone else in the world knows either of us. 010517 ... jon my ass is on fire 010517 ... Lost Amanda - never knew Mandi - got weird Clarissa - never knew Jennifer - never knew Alissa - never knew Nicole - never knew Elyse - never knew Angela - never knew Jenna - ran away Carly - became friends Sylvia - hated me Kristi - hid behind her boyfriend Racquel - became a slut Jannan - severed ties Mariana - never knew Sarah - pretended never to know Amy - never saw her again Meghan - thinks she's too good for me Alicia - got weird Jenni - never knew Kristina - might've known Donae - was flattered to find out I'd liked her months later Alison - might know, isn't discouraging it yet Ah... 13 years of Jon's lovelife, kindergarden through senior year, condensed into bite-sized chunks of rejection. 010524 ... kinkazoid i have an ex named jon and he used to like stalk me and tell all of my or his friends that he was in love with me and that it was so mean of me to break up with him and i ruined his life and shit. i tried to be nice to him and be his friend and stuff, but he had to get annoying so i told him to leave me alone and left it badly it was the only thing left to do. poor jon 010608 ... nocturnal must be something in the name. that EXACT same thing happened to my best friend. she went out with this guy named jon who was always telling her how cold-hearted she was and how in love with her he was. he told all his friends the same thing and it was really shitty of him. when they broke up, she also wanted to remain friends but he went psycho and ruined it all. 010609 ...